Husband not into bdsm so...

[kalligeneia]

Never, ever, go into a marriage just because the other option is expected or not of you. You are not in a relationship to keep your family happy, EVER. You are setting your husband up for the rest of his life - going with the whole 'til death do us part' vow section - of lies and dishonesty.

Better of cancelling the marriage, and getting into a relationship (not with this Dom you are toying around with now) with someone who your sexual tastes are compatible with.

 

[MeekMe]

Hi all,

Once again, thank you for all the feedback. Just thought that I'll update you on my decisions.

I've decided to continue being my dom's sub. He is almost 25 years older than me so there is no way that I could fall in love (I think). Besides, we are in this "anonymously". He does not know anything about me including my name and we correspond only through a specially-created email. He is divorced but very close to his family so this is a very discreet relationship, if you may call it that.

Regarding divorce, if i may be frank, I would not have married this man if not for the many implications it'll cause, from causing our families absolute disappointment, amongst many other things. Divorce runs in my family and as callous as it may sound, I am open to one in the future if it is for the better.

I am indeed disgusting, but I've finally found the courage to experience BDSM - something I've always been fascinated by even as a kid. I remember being 12 when I found the idea of being choked titillating.

Maybe when i'm 80 and on my deathbed, I'd regret not taking the "right path" but right now Ive never felt as awakened, both sexually and emotionally in my entire life.

For the bold stuff, here's a link.

So you're happy to hurt the guy you're marrying for some orgasms? Sounds like true love to me.

You're meeting up with a guy you barely know and that doesn't know you, and you don't see the danger you're possibly putting yourself in? You found the courage to experience BDSM? More like you dropped your brain in a dumpster. You're letting a guy you barely know incapacitate you and gag you.

You're betraying the trust of your future husband and you don't sound like you've even thought of building trust with this guy that's helping you cheat. This all sounds very selfish and dangerous. Ah~ but those orgasms. Good luck, hope you don't end up in a ditch.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Hi all,

Once again, thank you for all the feedback. Just thought that I'll update you on my decisions.

I've decided to continue being my dom's sub. He is almost 25 years older than me so there is no way that I could fall in love (I think). Besides, we are in this "anonymously". He does not know anything about me including my name and we correspond only through a specially-created email. He is divorced but very close to his family so this is a very discreet relationship, if you may call it that.

Regarding divorce, if i may be frank, I would not have married this man if not for the many implications it'll cause, from causing our families absolute disappointment, amongst many other things. Divorce runs in my family and as callous as it may sound, I am open to one in the future if it is for the better.

I am indeed disgusting, but I've finally found the courage to experience BDSM - something I've always been fascinated by even as a kid. I remember being 12 when I found the idea of being choked titillating.

Maybe when i'm 80 and on my deathbed, I'd regret not taking the "right path" but right now Ive never felt as awakened, both sexually and emotionally in my entire life.

It is one thing to say "this is something I need to experience because I don't want to regret mising out later in life" and "love and sex don't have to go hand in hand".
The problem is that you are taking away your partners possibilities of making informed choices about his life, by going behind his back.

 

[Netzach]

So two people have already waved the threat of death over this woman for doing something that it's possible 20 percent or so of women will do. WTG literotica. Jesus. Yes, it's an asshole move, she knows that, we know that. So's buying sweatshop pants. We must threaten her with death because AFTER 8 YEARS she might be blown away by some better sex! How DARE this whore prioritize sex over the feelings of a LDR who doesn't care that a clit bump and a hump might not be perfection in bed! (And we are all 100 percent sure that he hasn't cheated on her because bad behavior is always one person's fault.)

It's true, there are dangerous men and crimes of passion, but if every random hookup were Ted Bundy and if every husband who found out she cheated went on a killing spree, the world would have a much higher body count. Also 35 percent of men cheat. And that's only the self-reporting. Please.

This incident, however, this isn't a red flag. It's a gift of sorts. You are being given a huge neon sign saying "CALL THIS OFF."

What doesn't make sense to me is this: you've just learned something really really important about this relationship, something which is throwing up a sign in front of you saying "this isn't going to work." You only get one life. Spend it with someone who either fills the need or doesn't mind where you do. It's probably not the guy you met just now with the magic penis, but who the fuck knows, maybe it IS, just assume it's not and you're going through some crazy.

If you love your spouse like a brother on day 1, there's nothing firey to keep you guys going when other challenges show up - when libidos quiet (temporaily or otherwise) among couples who had bonded by fucking like mink and love-lettering like James Joyce to Nora, there's something to go back to, there's that shared halcyon start point.

That definitely helps. You ain't got that, it sounds.

 

[Netzach]

It is one thing to say "this is something I need to experience because I don't want to regret mising out later in life" and "love and sex don't have to go hand in hand".
The problem is that you are taking away your partners possibilities of making informed choices about his life, by going behind his back.

Yep. It's shitty. It's also normal. Just not that normal 15 days till game time, THAT is like, hello?

Wait, I can't believe I just said that. Every movie cliche has SOME basis in reality, and I'm going with the " you need one more hot fling before she puts the ball and chain in place dude" movie didn't just spring from nowhere. I'm thinking MAYBE at a bachelor party somewhere in time the stripper and the groom didn't just lap dance.

So - seriously people. SERIOUSLY, fuck this sexist policing.

That said, we've got problems here.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yep. It's shitty. It's also normal. Just not that normal 15 days till game time, THAT is like, hello?

Yes, I fail to see the reason to marry in that situation.
"People expect us to", is about as high on my list of reasons for being married as "I like to wear plain gold rings on the designated finger all the time".

 

[Netzach]

Yes, I fail to see the reason to marry in that situation.
"People expect us to", is about as high on my list of reasons for being married as "I like to wear plain gold rings on the designated finger all the time".

That's generally a bad reason to do anything other than pay taxes and not shit on sidewalks.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yep. It's shitty. It's also normal. Just not that normal 15 days till game time, THAT is like, hello?

Wait, I can't believe I just said that. Every movie cliche has SOME basis in reality, and I'm going with the " you need one more hot fling before she puts the ball and chain in place dude" movie didn't just spring from nowhere. I'm thinking MAYBE at a bachelor party somewhere in time the stripper and the groom didn't just lap dance.

So - seriously people. SERIOUSLY, fuck this sexist policing.

That said, we've got problems here.

It may be that we tend to call out the women who post here looking for validation of their tie-me-up-and-fuck-me-on-my-way-to-the-altar fantasies, but I wonder if it's largely because the guys who get it into their heads to do such things as the bell-ringer is starting to put on his carpal-tunnel wrist wrap don't bother to post here looking for validation.

 

[Netzach]

It may be that we tend to call out the women who post here looking for validation of their tie-me-up-and-fuck-me-on-my-way-to-the-altar fantasies, but I wonder if it's largely because the guys who get it into their heads to do such things as the bell-ringer is starting to put on his carpal-tunnel wrist wrap don't bother to post here looking for validation.

Probably. They're probably busy doing it.

(Said wearing my patented see how outraged I am look.)

 

[midwestyankee]

Probably. They're probably busy doing it.

(Said wearing my patented see how outraged I am look.)

That's my take on it. Which is to say that our societal mores are and have been for a long time wildly out of balance.

 

[Netzach]

That's my take on it. Which is to say that our societal mores are and have been for a long time wildly out of balance.

I wonder if our compulsion to talk about every last thing in existence isn't the problem - when people actually had secrets, I imagine a lot of them were pretty juicy and not all bad ones.

 

[midwestyankee]

I wonder if our compulsion to talk about every last thing in existence isn't the problem - when people actually had secrets, I imagine a lot of them were pretty juicy and not all bad ones.

Could be. I suggest we start by outlawing 24-hour news.

 

[jezzilee]

Well apparently he is not your husband yet, and I think you are doing him and yourself a huge disservice by not telling him how you feel. You may find happiness with him in every aspect of life aside from sexuality, but without the intimacy that a good sex life brings I don't hold out much hope for your future. How would he feel if he knew what you did? How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. This place is a perfect example of people looking for something they are not getting at home. You have a chance to NOT go into that kind of a relationship. Just my two cents, good luck

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yep. It's shitty. It's also normal. Just not that normal 15 days till game time, THAT is like, hello?

Wait, I can't believe I just said that. Every movie cliche has SOME basis in reality, and I'm going with the " you need one more hot fling before she puts the ball and chain in place dude" movie didn't just spring from nowhere. I'm thinking MAYBE at a bachelor party somewhere in time the stripper and the groom didn't just lap dance.

So - seriously people. SERIOUSLY, fuck this sexist policing.

That said, we've got problems here.

Uhm, I fail to see the sexist policing in what I wrote.
I think it's just as shitty no matter who does it or how normal it is.

 

[Netzach]

Uhm, I fail to see the sexist policing in what I wrote.
I think it's just as shitty no matter who does it or how normal it is.

Not you, the thread in general.

 

[Netzach]

Could be. I suggest we start by outlawing 24-hour news.

There's no putting that genie back in the bottle.

Maybe we need to adjust our marriage fantasies and expectations slightly to what people actually are inclined to do.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Bramblethorn]

It's true, there are dangerous men and crimes of passion, but if every random hookup were Ted Bundy and if every husband who found out she cheated went on a killing spree, the world would have a much higher body count. Also 35 percent of men cheat. And that's only the self-reporting. Please.

Noting also that the risk associated with a "dangerous man" may not have much to do with whether his partner is cheating. The sort of guy who's capable of killing his partner for actual cheating may well be just as capable of killing for mistakenly perceived cheating, or trying to leave him, or some tiny bullshit thing...

so, yeah, I agree. There are honking big reasons why the OP's course of action is likely to be a bad idea, but "he might kill you for it" seems like the least of it.

 

[Dave_Loves_Puss]

Being blunt and honest, you fucked up. I think you would be better off leaving your fiancé and telling him why. If you respect him at all, you would not have done what you did and you would not continue to live the lie you are living.

Your passion to be a sub is too strong to make a commitment to anyone not okay with it. Don't change who you are but make sure those who want commitment from you understand your feelings.

 

[Primalex]

There are honking big reasons why the OP's course of action is likely to be a bad idea, but "he might kill you for it" seems like the least of it.

Funny thing, because most big reasons are not really big reasons. A divorce is just a divorce. Cheating itself - the universe doesn't care at all. Being stuck in a sexless marriage is no problem if you already have the sex-problem solved. So what are the honking big reasons you see, if it is not the possible fallout of your actions?

 

[Netzach]

Hmm, why? There is not the same social pressure to get married anymore most places. It remains an option, and IMO it should remain an option for people to enter into relationships that are what we think of as marriage, and I am a huge fan of civil marriage too. When uk won the right for civil marriage I kinda thought we missed a trick not having civil partnership for all, retaining the right for various religions and spiritual groups to have marriage for blessings ( as some already do for any type of union) or not as they feel their little rules decree.

Union of marriage presuming monogamy is a choice, not a forced option these days. Fwiw, G and I were not perfectly matched in previous sexual expression before our getting together. You'd have to ask G if he regrets his choice, but as the one who changed most, I don't.

Fwiw, I also feel the option NOT to get married or in union remains important both in a choice and in what it tells us if we are brave enough to hear about a relationship that is committed only from one side.

Fwiw, I'd think exactly the same about a man or a woman in this situation. Its not fair or honest on anyone involved. Its not worth proceeding with the wedding without disclosure and discussion.

Juicy secrets? In my marriage, no ( well, not that I know of) ....from others......you bet.


Oh, and when I can I don't check the news. Liberating. The last two weeks I turned my phone off. Fantastic. String of furious messages to work through today though.

Judging from the high volume of people in their 50's who are third-ish-non-cousins-who-are-actually-half-brothers-and-sisters-and-more-or-less-know-it-cause-dad-was-away-sometimes in the small towns around me, non-monogamy seems to be the reality of "monogamous traditional marriage." (And not every woman involved was single either.) If something approaches a third of all relationships (someone going outside it) why can't we just accept that the norm isn't the ideal and that the ideal may not be realistic for all people? If you want it and you've got it, hooray for you, you know, but really it's not necessarily something we must all expect.

Discourse around this topic never gets past the equivalent of "Drugs are bad."

 

[James1324]

From a guy who recently came out of a long-term relationship for, among other reasons, sexual incompatibility (similar thing, actually -- I'm into BDSM, she's not at all) there are a *lot* of things to think about in making a decision about whether to end it or not... But ultimately, you only get one life, and you can't spend it with a particular person just because you don't want to hurt them, especially if you feel already that you're gonna be unhappy in the relationship..

It's a lot of things to weigh up,don't rush into a decision, whatever else you do.

 

[BiBunny]

Yes, I fail to see the reason to marry in that situation.
"People expect us to", is about as high on my list of reasons for being married as "I like to wear plain gold rings on the designated finger all the time".

*Snort* Yes, that.

And if you're inevitably going to get tired of the boring sex, anyway, it's a lot easier to get rid of a boyfriend than it is to get rid of a husband.

 

[Bruisedgirl]

Thank you.

I think you've hit the nail right on the spot. That I love him like a brother and he's a best friend to me. But no one (not even the naysayers tho I really understand where you're coming from) can fault me for not trying to ignite the passion. Maybe I should have dipped my toes into bdsm years ago, say during the halfway mark but I was young and afraid to be alone and thought things might change.

Also, I cannot imagine him being a dom or even being rough w him in bed. I can't even bring myself to look at him in the eyes when we fuck (something which I found I enjoy doing w my dom because I love the intensity I am making him feel)

Yes, all these are signs of a doomed marriage. But I will go along with it. Not because he's there to stand in till I find someone aligned w my needs, but to fulfil the responsibilities we both have.

So two people have already waved the threat of death over this woman for doing something that it's possible 20 percent or so of women will do. WTG literotica. Jesus. Yes, it's an asshole move, she knows that, we know that. So's buying sweatshop pants. We must threaten her with death because AFTER 8 YEARS she might be blown away by some better sex! How DARE this whore prioritize sex over the feelings of a LDR who doesn't care that a clit bump and a hump might not be perfection in bed! (And we are all 100 percent sure that he hasn't cheated on her because bad behavior is always one person's fault.)

It's true, there are dangerous men and crimes of passion, but if every random hookup were Ted Bundy and if every husband who found out she cheated went on a killing spree, the world would have a much higher body count. Also 35 percent of men cheat. And that's only the self-reporting. Please.

This incident, however, this isn't a red flag. It's a gift of sorts. You are being given a huge neon sign saying "CALL THIS OFF."

What doesn't make sense to me is this: you've just learned something really really important about this relationship, something which is throwing up a sign in front of you saying "this isn't going to work." You only get one life. Spend it with someone who either fills the need or doesn't mind where you do. It's probably not the guy you met just now with the magic penis, but who the fuck knows, maybe it IS, just assume it's not and you're going through some crazy.

If you love your spouse like a brother on day 1, there's nothing firey to keep you guys going when other challenges show up - when libidos quiet (temporaily or otherwise) among couples who had bonded by fucking like mink and love-lettering like James Joyce to Nora, there's something to go back to, there's that shared halcyon start point.

That definitely helps. You ain't got that, it sounds.

 

[bob53]

Thank you.

I think you've hit the nail right on the spot. That I love him like a brother and he's a best friend to me. But no one (not even the naysayers tho I really understand where you're coming from) can fault me for not trying to ignite the passion. Maybe I should have dipped my toes into bdsm years ago, say during the halfway mark but I was young and afraid to be alone and thought things might change.

Also, I cannot imagine him being a dom or even being rough w him in bed. I can't even bring myself to look at him in the eyes when we fuck (something which I found I enjoy doing w my dom because I love the intensity I am making him feel)

Yes, all these are signs of a doomed marriage. But I will go along with it. Not because he's there to stand in till I find someone aligned w my needs, but to fulfil the responsibilities we both have.

I understand your thoughts, HOWEVER you have to be true to yourself before you can be any good for everyone around you.
By looking at this marriage in the light of a "being responsible" to others you are putting down responsibility to yourself.
Been there and 2 divorces later I have just started to wake up to being responsible to myself which includes putting my physical health ahead of demands from others.
This responsibility to self first goes a long way to being happy with choices you will make over time.
You can't be any good in business or personal relationships if you don't take a stand for your own desires. Letting others dictate what your desires should be under the guise of "being responsible" only leads to total burnout in all relationships whether they be business, family, or personal / romantic.
Others will respect you for taking a stand on what is right for you. They may not like it because it does not fit their "picture" but they will respect your stand.

Another thought for you - have you ever wondered why the Airlines always say to put your oxygen mask on first BEFORE helping anyone else you are traveling with? It is so that you will be able to help the others without passing out while helping them.
You won't be any good to your fellow traveler if you are passed out from lack of oxygen. Your needs are a form of oxygen in your personal / romantic relationships.