Husband not into bdsm so...

[Bruisedgirl]

Hi there,

I hope to seek some advice on my current situation. I'm 29 and about to get married to a man I really love.

Problem is, I am into bdsm/taken roughly and he's into plain vanilla sex which he's not really good at either. He has a low sex drive, and probably goes down on me once every few months I've tried to discuss w him Abt my sexual preferences but to avail.

We've been together almost 8 years. In the period we've been together I've never cheated on him but last week I could not take it anymore (thinking that it's weeks before I get "tied down" by marriage" and I found a dom on Craigslist (yeah not the smartest of choice but still) and had the most intense and life-changing experience. He knew I was a novice so he went gentle at first but by the second night I was bound, gagged and fucked like I was little fuck toy.

The problem is, I feel absolutely no guilt towards this blatant act of cheating. I am not going to have romantic feelings for the dom, yet I know that I will never ever be satisfied w my to-be married sex life ever again. My husband is based overseas so it's not a problem to meet my dom and I'm wondering if it's a viable option to stay married and yet continue my foray into bdsm..

 

[rebel3987]

if you're asking if it's ok to do this, that's for you to decide for yourself. However I will say that its really tough to have urges and desires that are not being met. I ended a relationship for that...well not only that but I won't lie, it contributed.

 

[SpunThings]

The marriage will not be a healthy one if someone is betraying the other person.

Here's the honest way to do things. Tell your husband-to-be that there are certain things that you need in order to be satisfied. You'd like to pursue them outside of the marriage. He can then choose whether or not he is OK with that situation. It may mean the two of you break up. If you're lucky, he's OK with it. It's not fair to him to go behind his back though. That leads to resentment on both sides. You know he'll figure it out eventually.

Frankly, if this is so important to you I don't think you two are compatible to be life partners unless both of you can be happy with non-monogamy.

 

[LadyVer]

Marriage is hard enough as it is. It would make sense to get these issues discussed before marriage, and even then, it probably would make sense to wait to get married to see if any issues still come up. Your fiance could say he's perfectly fine with it, and then a week later, 3 months later, he says he can't do it, or maybe he decides to get a gun instead. And most partners are not ok with relevant information being withheld or being lied to. Trust is one of the most basic requirements for most partners and relationships.

 

[RawHumor]

Sex is a pretty important part of the bond of marriage, so if he won't change and you feel completely nothing sexually with him, you're setting yourselves up for failure.

 

[Eldan01]

I completely agree, you must talk to him about this. It's a very serious thing to not have him even open to possibly of growing and sharing in a sexual relationship with you. Maybe he would be willing to slowly learn some things. It's a compromising situation. I myself have a husband who has pulled out of the vanilla sex because he knows I have those urges that must be satisfied and I know that sometimes he just want to have his type of sex, to which I gladly accommodate. It's a sharing and compromising situation but if you love him enough and have that open communication you can do it. Please know that it does take a while to get that communication up and going, it's not easy but totally worth it. I would make sure you have some understanding or possibility of openness from him before fully committing otherwise you'll head right back to that Dom in no time.

 

[luvnmyboys]

I agree with the above posters. You should work this out with your fiance. Maybe he will be ok with you having a dom outside of the relationship or maybe he will be willing to try. Whatever comes of the conversation, i would give it some time to see how everyone adjusts should you reach an agreement. Best of luck.

 

[Bruisedgirl]

He'll never be agreeable.. he's a traditional man through and through.

Thanks for the sensible replies, anyway. I understand where all of you are coming from but to me, somehow love and sex don't have to go hand in hand, which is why i've been able to endure these years of vanilla sex.

I've tried plenty of ways to spice things up, from getting to place his hands around my neck or even asking him to try simple ropeplay. Apart from that, I don't think hes a sexual creature by nature after all. He doesn't respond to sexy lingerie, and yes it hurts when i try to to seduce him because he doesn't respond. Sex to us usually begins with him feeling up my boobs, then the token touching of clit, then we fuck and that's it.

Perhaps the brunt of all my frustrations which has led me to my first sub experience is the accumulation of all these. Do I regret this? No. Am I afraid of the repercussions? Yes and No. Unbelievably, I sometimes dream of breaking up just so I can find someone else to love, who has same intensity and passion in bed.

Oh god, what the hell am i saying? I'm getting married in 15 days.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

It's easy to put the blinders on and say... I can live my life with X situation and be happy because somebody else is paying the bills/making sure I am not alone in the world/whatever, but it's really about how you decide to spend your time here. What seems easy today can become a gilded cage, or an ugly trap. Spend your time here wisely, being true to your own values

 

[LadyVer]

He'll never be agreeable.. he's a traditional man through and through.

Thanks for the sensible replies, anyway. I understand where all of you are coming from but to me, somehow love and sex don't have to go hand in hand, which is why i've been able to endure these years of vanilla sex.

I've tried plenty of ways to spice things up, from getting to place his hands around my neck or even asking him to try simple ropeplay. Apart from that, I don't think hes a sexual creature by nature after all. He doesn't respond to sexy lingerie, and yes it hurts when i try to to seduce him because he doesn't respond. Sex to us usually begins with him feeling up my boobs, then the token touching of clit, then we fuck and that's it.

Perhaps the brunt of all my frustrations which has led me to my first sub experience is the accumulation of all these. Do I regret this? No. Am I afraid of the repercussions? Yes and No. Unbelievably, I sometimes dream of breaking up just so I can find someone else to love, who has same intensity and passion in bed.

Oh god, what the hell am i saying? I'm getting married in 15 days.

It takes courage to call off a wedding. Wish I'd had the courage to call mine off mine. I tried to talk to my mother about my doubts at the time. She assured me I was going through normal pre-wedding jitters. I figured she knew what she was talking about. Good luck!

 

[beardedmariner]

Yes, you can cheat the entire way through your marriage. If you are okay with it morally is not up to us to decide. You could talk to your husband and hopefully have an open marriage.
I just got out of a relationship where me and the woman loved each other so much. We figured out towards the end of the relationship that she was gay. We thought about staying together and being with other people sexually. We decided that would not be a happy life and split. I suggest you do the same.

 

[kalligeneia]

This is why sexual tastes should be discussed sooner in a relationship rather than later. I'm against cheating in any way, shape or form. The only partway honest thing to do that I would suggest is to be honest - admit that you cheated on him, but admit why. It won't make it any easier or better, but he deserves your honesty. He -may- let you continue your experiences with this Dominant or, he may not. If he doesn't, that may be the sign that unless you want to set yourself up for a relationship of lies, dissatisfaction, dishonesty and backstabbing, that you call off the wedding.

 

[xxxpaulzzz]

This is why sexual tastes should be discussed sooner in a relationship rather than later. I'm against cheating in any way, shape or form. The only partway honest thing to do that I would suggest is to be honest - admit that you cheated on him, but admit why. It won't make it any easier or better, but he deserves your honesty. He -may- let you continue your experiences with this Dominant or, he may not. If he doesn't, that may be the sign that unless you want to set yourself up for a relationship of lies, dissatisfaction, dishonesty and backstabbing, that you call off the wedding.

agree with discussion on sexual tastes but why on earth should she 'fess up?
what benifit comes from it? if she decides on the good, honest wife then husband to be would be none the wiser if she doesnt mention it.
he is not going to say "yes love, you just go and get tied, spanked and fucked in a manner that doesnt interest me. i will be happy to with that my sweet"
the only thing she would be doing is unburdenning herself and maybe getting out of a marriage she doesnt want as he will be disgusted in her.

 

[SpunThings]

He'll never be agreeable.. he's a traditional man through and through.

Thanks for the sensible replies, anyway. I understand where all of you are coming from but to me, somehow love and sex don't have to go hand in hand, which is why i've been able to endure these years of vanilla sex.

I've tried plenty of ways to spice things up, from getting to place his hands around my neck or even asking him to try simple ropeplay. Apart from that, I don't think hes a sexual creature by nature after all. He doesn't respond to sexy lingerie, and yes it hurts when i try to to seduce him because he doesn't respond. Sex to us usually begins with him feeling up my boobs, then the token touching of clit, then we fuck and that's it.

Perhaps the brunt of all my frustrations which has led me to my first sub experience is the accumulation of all these. Do I regret this? No. Am I afraid of the repercussions? Yes and No. Unbelievably, I sometimes dream of breaking up just so I can find someone else to love, who has same intensity and passion in bed.

Oh god, what the hell am i saying? I'm getting married in 15 days.

Being too far into it to back out now is never a good reason to get married.

 

[kalligeneia]

agree with discussion on sexual tastes but why on earth should she 'fess up?
what benifit comes from it? if she decides on the good, honest wife then husband to be would be none the wiser if she doesnt mention it.
he is not going to say "yes love, you just go and get tied, spanked and fucked in a manner that doesnt interest me. i will be happy to with that my sweet"
the only thing she would be doing is unburdenning herself and maybe getting out of a marriage she doesnt want as he will be disgusted in her.

Actually considering how we both don't know her or her husband, assuming that he will leap to the negative is a little presumptuous. Ideally she should've discussed the possibility of her getting her D/S tastes satisfied elsewhere earlier into the relationship - a frank, open discussion with conditions, such as 'Yes to the sessions, but no romance' and so forth to think of something exceedingly simple as an example. So, you'd want to be in a marriage grounded on zero trust? Right, ok then. She should not be getting married at all if she is going to continue cheating on him - the honest and sensible thing to do would be to call off or AT LEAST delay the wedding until they have discussed it properly. If he agrees to open up the relationship so she can be sexually satisfied, fine. If he won't, they are better off parting ways and finding someone who will satisfy them both fully.

 

[xxxpaulzzz]

i think she has said he was a prettystraight laced guy.
i think admitting all would do no good to anybody. unburden her of her guilt if she had any but she doesnt.
i agree this should have been sorted long ago but she knows that.
she knows she should delay or cancel but needs many people to tell her. its not an easy thing to do.

 

[FurryFury]

Why marry someone who can't or won't make you the least bit happy sexually. And at his age having a low sex drive means he is either beating off to porn or you will just see his sex drive drop lower and lower over the years. I couldn't take it but it's up to you, good luck with your decision.

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

My wife is just like your husband and I'm like you. I thought the wife would grow into her sexuality, hit her prime --- it never happened. I've tried talking with her and she isn't open to trying new things. If intimacy and enjoying sex is important to you, don't get married. You'll feel like a prisoner in your marriage. There will be love, but you'll be missing an huge part of what makes life and marriage truly enjoyable.

 

[kalligeneia]

My wife is just like your husband and I'm like you. I thought the wife would grow into her sexuality, hit her prime --- it never happened. I've tried talking with her and she isn't open to trying new things. If intimacy and enjoying sex is important to you, don't get married. You'll feel like a prisoner in your marriage. There will be love, but you'll be missing an huge part of what makes life and marriage truly enjoyable.

Scratch the 'don't get married' part. It should be replaced with 'don't get married to someone you don't fully discuss or reveal your sexual preferences to'. Should my boyfriend/Master wish to marry me, I'll accept; we made both of our sexual fantasies, preferences and limits exceptionally clear right from the off once we had entered into a committed relationship. Thankfully, our relationship is as much grounded in BDSM as it is vanilla on the outside.

 

[BalletBound]

Most awful advice

I am shocked by the sheer point that he doesn't want it.

Mine didn't and treated me gently maybe once a month.

Find another option, life is too short to miss out on your needs.

 

[Etoile]

I am shocked by the sheer point that he doesn't want it.

Asexuality is a very real thing. Some people have low libidos, and some simply aren't interested. That's fine, unless you're with a high-libido partner who cannot remain happy with someone who isn't interested in sex. Nothing wrong with being asexual if both people are okay with it, but OP clearly is not, so I hope she talks with her fiance.

 

[Primalex]

but to me, somehow love and sex don't have to go hand in hand

But I don't think he will agree (unless it's about a threesome with two girls).

The question is not whether you should marry him, the question is whether you want to end up as a short, tragic notice in the newspaper as another dead wife.

 

[subwannabe]

Sounds like the defintion of divorce to me. This marriage has no chance.

 

[Bramblethorn]

The problem is, I feel absolutely no guilt towards this blatant act of cheating. I am not going to have romantic feelings for the dom

How on earth do you know that?

I've seen an awful lot of people make relationship decisions based on what they believe about their own future emotions. Stuff like "I can sleep with this person without falling in love" or "I can deal with my partner sleeping with other people". Sometimes they get it right, and sometimes they get it catastrophically wrong.

If I read this correctly, this is your first ever sub experience, and it was fantastic, and - quite understandably - you want to repeat it. Fantastic sex, repeated over time, has a tendency to create attachment. Not in everybody, but it's really hard to figure out whether you're going to be one of those people without the benefit of experience.

Even if you never get caught out, cheating is likely to create barriers between you. If you have a bad experience with your dom and you're feeling upset about that, what do you say to your husband-to-be when he asks you how you're doing? Do you tell him "I'm fine"? If you do that, then you're training him not to notice or respond to your mood, and that's a recipe for trouble.

(And of course, if you're unlucky enough to run into an abusive dom who figures out that he has a marriage's worth of blackmail material on you...)

I'm going with the other commenters here: for both your sakes, don't do this. Cancelling a wedding a fortnight before the date might seem like a huge drama, but it's a good sight better than being stuck in a dysfunctional marriage.

 

[Bruisedgirl]

Hi all,

Once again, thank you for all the feedback. Just thought that I'll update you on my decisions.

I've decided to continue being my dom's sub. He is almost 25 years older than me so there is no way that I could fall in love (I think). Besides, we are in this "anonymously". He does not know anything about me including my name and we correspond only through a specially-created email. He is divorced but very close to his family so this is a very discreet relationship, if you may call it that.

Regarding divorce, if i may be frank, I would not have married this man if not for the many implications it'll cause, from causing our families absolute disappointment, amongst many other things. Divorce runs in my family and as callous as it may sound, I am open to one in the future if it is for the better.

I am indeed disgusting, but I've finally found the courage to experience BDSM - something I've always been fascinated by even as a kid. I remember being 12 when I found the idea of being choked titillating.

Maybe when i'm 80 and on my deathbed, I'd regret not taking the "right path" but right now Ive never felt as awakened, both sexually and emotionally in my entire life.