I feel massively guilty about my BDSM fantasies

[Max2015]

Today is my first day at Literotica and this is my first post. So please be kind.

I am a 30 year old straight man and I have BDSM fetish. I mostly like femdom. I have never disclosed this to anyone in my life because at best I am confused about it and at worst, I feel disgusted at myself. This means that I have never tried anything in my real life. I have lot of fetishes and fantasies. Just to list a few of them: Foot fetish, femdom, humiliation, face slapping, CBT - especially ball-kicking, ballbusting and last but not the least, cuckolding.

I have never experimented with BDSM lifestyle, since I am too shy. So far, only two of my exes know that I have feet fetish. One of them was okay with it but the other one was weirded out. So I stopped telling anyone.

At this point if you are wondering if I haven't experimented, how do I feel guilty, here is how -

I like watching femdom, humiliation, CBT etc videos on the Internet. I get really turned on by them. So far so good. But once I get off, I suddenly start feeling massively guilty. Some of the things, such as CBT and ballbusting can be really painful for the guy and I feel disgusted at myself for getting off on it. I don't want to be physically hurt in real life. It's all just a fantasy. For example, I like watching action movies too. I loved the the Avengers (the first one, not Ultron, not that it matters) but a lot of people die or get hurt in the movies and I don't want people to get hurt in real life. But I don't have to worry about it because it's all acting and special effects. It's not real.

But that's not the case with BDSM videos. Like, getting kicked in the balls is quite painful. I feel guilty because the guys in the video get hurt and I feel somehow partly responsible for it. Also I get disgusted at myself for even getting off on such things. I even feel embarrassed after watching humiliation videos even though nobody gets hurt, at least physically.

I want to either stop getting sexual pleasure out of watching BDSM videos, or stop feeling guilty about it. From time to time I decide to stop watching them and I do, but I always relapse - sometimes within a couple of days, sometimes within a couple of months - but I always relapse. Although I knew from a young age that I had feet fetish, I realized I like BDSM a couple of years ago. And ever since this guilt has continued.

Can anyone relate to this or am I the only one? Does anyone know how to overcome this? I am so frustrated with myself.

 

[MeekMe]

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1168103

That thread has a few responses you might find helpful. As for the guilt, the people in porn are rypically into what they're doing and receiving compensation. It's also good to note that porn is catering to the masses and the masses want fantasy. Not everything you see in porn is real or unedited.


Here's a link for a thread dedicated to submissive men, perhaps there will be some helpful information in there for you. Often, the relationships depicted in porn and erotica are nothing like what many of us do in real life.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1119955

 

[Netzach]

Try to talk to, or read the statements of, other guys who are into it and talking candidly about it.

Like in the Avengers movies, some of what you see in BDSM porn is no less acting, just like a lot of the orgasms in regular porn might not be real and might be powerfully exaggerated amirite?

Some BDSM porn is made by amateurs who enjoy what they're doing and would be doing it for free off camera, too. This kind of thing means that the bottom gets enjoyment out of what appears to be a very tough time. For some of the more action oriented bottoms out there a brutal session is kind of like martial arts plus sexy or a climb that could hurt you, one of those higher-risk activities that make you feel alive and filled with adrenaline and/or testosterone or what have you. We only add guilt to this because we're taught to be guilty about anything that gets us off.

Also you're dealing with some hardwiring. Men are programmed on some pretty key levels to run away and experience flight syndrome immediately after they jizz. This is probably because we're social animals when you take away our iphones. Biologically, you've done what you have set out to do, and a bigger monkey is about to come and kick your ass for it, time to leave.

This is almost universal, whether they're Dom, sub, neither, masturbating, or in an orgy. Try and keep that in mind when you experience the post-moneyshot panic - you're not alone.

Also, allow other people to have different experiences and make different choices. He's either getting paid and there are worse jobs out there in his estimation, or his experience of being kicked in the tackle by a hot woman is pleasurable on some level for him, also there are ways to kick someone in the tackle without breaking everything and not all hot women are created equal when it comes to convincingly pulling that off.

I hate to upset you, but it's not going to go away. You're going to have to love yourself as you are. I think the more information you get from people who like the things you like but are troubled by, the less you'll feel like you're doing something wrong (which you're not, as long as everyone's informed, of legal age, and not stoned out of decision making realms.)

 

[Primalex]

If your only problem with the cards that life dealt you is the one card that says that you enjoy being treated as a doormat, you should do a happy dance, because there are really, really crappy cards out there.

 

[SpunThings]

I am a woman, but I think my perspective might help you. I'm the submissive one in our relationship when it comes to sex and intimacy. I'm quite comfortable with this, and have no guilt whatsoever about what I enjoy. I also enjoy pain and other masochistic experiences that involve discomfort and things many people would consider negative. I really get off on it. Much fun.

I don't often look at porn, but there are times when I have. My mindset when I do look at porn is quite different from my mindset when I'm playing with my husband. I am interested in the same stuff, but I look at much more extreme stuff than I'd actually be into. It's sort of this weird objectifying mindset that I'm fine with when I'm horny, but feel really shitty about afterward. I stick to fantasies in my head generally, for this reason.

So, some of it might be trying to deal with the fact that what you like is not always considered culturally acceptable in the broad sense. I think another big factor though could be your response to the actual porn.

I second the idea of reading through other people's real experiences and thoughts about being a male submissive (even women's stories might help). It might help bring you back down to earth and get a frame of reference for how this works in caring relationships, because it absolutely can.

Are you able to find a community of people in your area to talk about BDSM? Maybe talking with real people, and potentially building relationships will help you wean off the porn (or reduce its impact on your guilt).

 

[Max2015]

Thank You!

MeekMe, Netzach, Primalex, SpunThings, Thank you so much for your support!! This is a great community!


I spent hours and hours last night reading other people's experiences. I spent a lot of time on the threads MeekMe shared, especially the one titled "The beauty of submissive men". It also had a lot of links to other blog posts which I read too. It was an eye opener. Thanks for sharing, MeekMe.

Most of what I read in those posts about their BDSM lifestyle was truly that - a lifestyle! I remember reading one post (although I don't remember exactly which, since I read so many) by one woman who is a dom. She said both of them understand they have a dom-sub relationship and when their opinions differ in any area of their lives, she always has the last say. I didn't know about this aspect. I was starting to doubt myself when I read that because I couldn't identify with it, but I was relieved when I read another post where someone said that BDSM lifestyle comes in many different flavors. (Netzach, probably it was you who said that.) So what I have come to realize is that femdom is a spectrum. There is no one correct way. Different people have different needs and that applies to both doms as well as subs.

For me, femdom and BDSM are purely sexual fantasies. I do not want to be controlled outside the bedroom. Even in bed, the relationship doesn't have to be dom-sub always. I don't mind having conventional sex and in fact that's what I have been having so far. Only when we both agree do I want to experiment with BDSM. I love my independence too much to let it spill over to other areas of my life. So basically what I have realized is that I don't want a dom-sub lifestyle. It would be more accurate to say I have BDSM and femdom fantasies.

Netzach, Thanks for your comments.

Also, allow other people to have different experiences and make different choices. He's either getting paid and there are worse jobs out there in his estimation, or his experience of being kicked in the tackle by a hot woman is pleasurable on some level for him, also there are ways to kick someone in the tackle without breaking everything and not all hot women are created equal when it comes to convincingly pulling that off.

I guess I always knew that but I needed to hear it from someone else. I have always tried to tell myself that the people I see in the videos are adults and they are making their own choices. Nobody is forcing them to do the things they do. I should not feel guilty about they being hurt as long as they are consenting adults.

Primalex,

If your only problem with the cards that life dealt you is the one card that says that you enjoy being treated as a doormat, you should do a happy dance, because there are really, really crappy cards out there.

Thanks for your comment and I definitely see where you are coming from, but my feelings and emotions exist independent of other people's. I am definitely sympathetic to those who, to use your own terms, have been dealt crappier cards than mine and I wish they weren't. But I still feel what I feel.

SpunThings, thanks for sharing your experience.

My mindset when I do look at porn is quite different from my mindset when I'm playing with my husband. I am interested in the same stuff, but I look at much more extreme stuff than I'd actually be into.

That is something I can relate to. Although I am yet to try anything, I am quite sure I too wouldn't be comfortable going to such extremes in real life as shown in the videos. I want mild BDSM. I too am a masochist but I have a low threshold for pain which probably makes me a really bad sub. But what turns me on turns me on. It was never a choice. You are right and probably when I actually try it in my real life, I would probably settle for something less extreme than what's shown in those videos and may actually be able to wean myself off of them.

 

[MeekMe]

Glad to hear you're feeling better OP.

You mentioned being a "bad sub" because you don't have a high pain tolerance. The good news is, that doesn't make anybody a bad sub. Here's another link that's recommended often around here.

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

We all basically look for someone compatible and conduct ourselves/relationships in a way that suits our needs. You don't have to be either a dom or a sub. Do what feels right for you and don't fret too much over labels.

 

[SpunThings]

I agree with MeekMe. I would say the only bad sub is a sub who never ever submits. That wouldn't be very submissive at all! There are plenty of people who only do this during sex or intimate moments. Knowing your own wants and desires and how you want a relationship to play out is important. Sure there always needs to be some compromise in a relationship, but it's up to you to decide where that balance between compromise with your ideal of a relationship is OK, and where it means your partner isn't compatible for you.

 

[Netzach]

That is something I can relate to. Although I am yet to try anything, I am quite sure I too wouldn't be comfortable going to such extremes in real life as shown in the videos. I want mild BDSM. I too am a masochist but I have a low threshold for pain which probably makes me a really bad sub. But what turns me on turns me on. It was never a choice. You are right and probably when I actually try it in my real life, I would probably settle for something less extreme than what's shown in those videos and may actually be able to wean myself off of them.

You may be surprised at what you like if you're willing to give it a try with someone who isn't a flaming idiot at the helm. I speak from experience. Keep an open mind, but learn how to keep yourself safe first and foremost.

 

[Max2015]

Thank you again, MeekMe, SpunThings, and Netzach.


Your support definitely has helped me a lot. When I first discovered BDSM, I was okay with it. I didn't have any of the negative reactions. But I was called a "pervert" and a "foot freak" just for liking feet. So I was too afraid to admit to anyone about my interest in femdom. And since I have never met anyone who is into the things I like, I started doubting myself and started thinking, "Maybe they were right. Maybe I am a freak."

After just spending two days here my self-doubt has vanished. I loved what Netzach said in the first post

You're going to have to love yourself as you are.

And that's exactly what I need to do. Be accepting of myself and love myself as I am. I understand that guilt and doubt might come back. So I will continue reading about other people's experiences from time to time and also maybe try and meet people with similar interests.

Thanks again! I am so glad I joined this forum!

 

[Primalex]

"Maybe they were right. Maybe I am a freak."

You are a freak.

 

[Max2015]

You are a freak.

Hahahahaha. Thanks. I needed that.

 

[midwestyankee]

Thank you again, MeekMe, SpunThings, and Netzach.


Your support definitely has helped me a lot. When I first discovered BDSM, I was okay with it. I didn't have any of the negative reactions. But I was called a "pervert" and a "foot freak" just for liking feet. So I was too afraid to admit to anyone about my interest in femdom. And since I have never met anyone who is into the things I like, I started doubting myself and started thinking, "Maybe they were right. Maybe I am a freak."

After just spending two days here my self-doubt has vanished. I loved what Netzach said in the first post



And that's exactly what I need to do. Be accepting of myself and love myself as I am. I understand that guilt and doubt might come back. So I will continue reading about other people's experiences from time to time and also maybe try and meet people with similar interests.

Thanks again! I am so glad I joined this forum!

Just bear in mind that too much self-love will make hair grow in the palms of your hands and you'll probably go blind, too. But it's worth it.

 

[YoungToy]

I can attest to this as well. Being a submissive male who also sometimes beats himself up over his femdom fetishes, it can really get irritating. The first thing Ive learned to do is accept it. Theres not much that can be done about it in all honesty. Talking about it also helps: what makes you feel bad about it? Is it affecting your day to day life? Your relationship life? Etc. Youll come to find that most people are pretty open sexually and, while they may not be into the same things, will at least happily try the experience. Try talking to some women on Lit and see how your fantasies feel. Define the line between fantasy and fetish. What would you actually do vs just dream about. There are a lot of wonderful women (and men) on here that want to help you feel more comfortable with yourself. Time is the best remedy.

 

[Stephan1515]

Max,

Its all fantasy for you at this point. Fantasies are great because in them you can do things that you may not be physically able to do in real life. There should be no guilt involved since we all have them. Just that some of us admit it. BDSM is a lifestyle that in order to successfully live in it you have to be able to commit to it. While I would like to, I just can't commit so I have accepted that much of what I feel will remain a fantasy. I will enjoy that as much as possible. As for feeling guilty for the pain of those in the videos, most of them are professionals and probably not feeling any pain. It's all designed to turn on the viewer. No guilt there, they are usually well paid. So just enjoy, your fantasies are healthy and you may get to live some of them out. Be safe and be happy.

 

[Cumference]

....... BDSM is a lifestyle that in order to successfully live in it you have to be able to commit to it.....

For some it is a lifestyle, for some it is the role-play and for others it is the sexual version of hot sauce that is used when some extra spice is nice.
(And there are a lot of other approaches).

As long as the parties involved are consenting adults, I don't have there is a "right or a "wrong" way that is needed to be successful.

 

[Max2015]

I can attest to this as well. Being a submissive male who also sometimes beats himself up over his femdom fetishes, it can really get irritating. The first thing Ive learned to do is accept it. Theres not much that can be done about it in all honesty. Talking about it also helps: what makes you feel bad about it? Is it affecting your day to day life? Your relationship life? Etc. Youll come to find that most people are pretty open sexually and, while they may not be into the same things, will at least happily try the experience. Try talking to some women on Lit and see how your fantasies feel. Define the line between fantasy and fetish. What would you actually do vs just dream about. There are a lot of wonderful women (and men) on here that want to help you feel more comfortable with yourself. Time is the best remedy.

Hearing from another guy who enjoys femdom too is really great. My fantasies haven't impacted any part of my life negatively. It's just that there is a part of my life that I don't feel comfortable sharing with anybody, no matter how close they are to me. Mostly because whenever I am in a relationship, I feel if my gf comes to know about my fetishes, she would think I am weak for liking femdom and would get weirded out and leave me.

Thanks for your reply and I will keep in mind what you said.

 

[Max2015]

Max,

Its all fantasy for you at this point. Fantasies are great because in them you can do things that you may not be physically able to do in real life. There should be no guilt involved since we all have them. Just that some of us admit it. BDSM is a lifestyle that in order to successfully live in it you have to be able to commit to it. While I would like to, I just can't commit so I have accepted that much of what I feel will remain a fantasy. I will enjoy that as much as possible. As for feeling guilty for the pain of those in the videos, most of them are professionals and probably not feeling any pain. It's all designed to turn on the viewer. No guilt there, they are usually well paid. So just enjoy, your fantasies are healthy and you may get to live some of them out. Be safe and be happy.

You are spot on, Stephan. It's just a fantasy for me. I can't commit to a BDSM lifestyle either, although the idea does turn me on. It's like when I am horny, "Oh goddess, I give my life to you. Do whatever you like with me. I will always be your slave. " But once I reach climax, I am like, "Why would I want my life to be controlled by someone else? I love you and all and I will even call you goddess if you want me to but.. I need my space. " So the bottom line is, I am not going to make any promises I can't keep.

For some it is a lifestyle, for some it is the role-play and for others it is the sexual version of hot sauce that is used when some extra spice is nice.
(And there are a lot of other approaches).

As long as the parties involved are consenting adults, I don't have there is a "right or a "wrong" way that is needed to be successful.

You are absolutely right, Cumference and that's the idea I got after reading so many real life experiences of other people in dom-sub relationships. As long as we make sure we all are safe and as long as we are consenting adults who possess our full mental faculty (not inebriated) and understand what we are doing, we can experiment as much as we want and there is nothing wrong with that. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to be a sub. It's just a matter of finding someone who would want to do the experiments I want to do.