Ever been in a situation where you liked someone, but then chose not to ask them out?

[erotica_n_s]

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I know I’ve asked similar questions here before, but it’s yet another emotional crisis here I’m struggling to deal with.

She works with me. We’re going to be working together for the next six months or so. She’s good-looking and everything. I like her.

Now, I’ve thought about it for a good while, and I’ve come to the conclusion that asking her out is NOT a good idea. Basically, even if she was to say yes, I’m not in any position to offer her a meaningful long-term relationship (there’s many reasons for that, but I’m not about to go into all that just now).

The “romantic” in me says I’m not being true to myself. The level-headed white-collar professional in me says that asking her out would be a recipe for all kinds of trouble (I’ve decided to go with the level-headed dude – at least he’ll keep me out of trouble).

So the problem is – I feel like a loser, and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling. I mean, like I said, the “romantic” in me still keeps suggesting all kinds of ideas... which could lead to trouble – such as personal embarrassment, or maybe even more complicated problems, which I definitely don’t want. So I'm not listening to the "romantic". The “romantic” then quietly whispers “loser”.

Sure, when we eventually move to different jobs, and we’re no longer in contact with each other, yeah, I’ll get over it – eventually (I've been through this before). But it’s going to be quite frustrating until then (as it has been, on previous occasions).

Now I’m wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been in a similar situation – maybe you had feelings for someone who was already married, or some such thing, and you just had to handle your feelings all by yourself – how did you do it? Can I tell myself that I'm not a loser? Can I tell myself that, unlike protagonists in Hollywood movies, in real life, regular guys don't always "get the girl", and that's okay sometimes? Or is that just defeatist?

I mean, I realise you guys can’t tell me how to solve this quandary of mine, so I’m not necessarily asking for direct advice (although if you’ve got any thoughts, by all means put them forward). I just feel, listening to other people discussing their experiences might offer suggestions.

So, yeah...



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[fire_breeze]

I know I’ve asked similar questions here before, but it’s yet another emotional crisis here I’m struggling to deal with.

She works with me. We’re going to be working together for the next six months or so. She’s good-looking and everything. I like her.

Now, I’ve thought about it for a good while, and I’ve come to the conclusion that asking her out is NOT a good idea. Basically, even if she was to say yes, I’m not in any position to offer her a meaningful long-term relationship (there’s many reasons for that, but I’m not about to go into all that just now).

The “romantic” in me says I’m not being true to myself. The level-headed white-collar professional in me says that asking her out would be a recipe for all kinds of trouble (I’ve decided to go with the level-headed dude – at least he’ll keep me out of trouble).

So the problem is – I feel like a loser, and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling. I mean, like I said, the “romantic” in me still keeps suggesting all kinds of ideas... which could lead to trouble – such as personal embarrassment, or maybe even more complicated problems, which I definitely don’t want. So I'm not listening to the "romantic". The “romantic” then quietly whispers “loser”.

Sure, when we eventually move to different jobs, and we’re no longer in contact with each other, yeah, I’ll get over it – eventually (I've been through this before). But it’s going to be quite frustrating until then (as it has been, on previous occasions).

Now I’m wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been in a similar situation – maybe you had feelings for someone who was already married, or some such thing, and you just had to handle your feelings all by yourself – how did you do it? Can I tell myself that I'm not a loser? Can I tell myself that, unlike protagonists in Hollywood movies, in real life, regular guys don't always "get the girl", and that's okay sometimes? Or is that just defeatist?

I mean, I realise you guys can’t tell me how to solve this quandary of mine, so I’m not necessarily asking for direct advice (although if you’ve got any thoughts, by all means put them forward). I just feel, listening to other people discussing their experiences might offer suggestions.

So, yeah...

I hope you will not take this as insulting but rather, I wanted to point out a few things :

My general rule of any hard decisions is, if I were to die next week, would I regret not doing it? If the anything is even 'maybe', then I do it. Otherwise, I don't do it and move on.

You do have to check with company rules because your employer may explicitly forbid co-worker fraternisation. If so, then this is moot.

But that said, say for argument's sake, that there is no such protocol and you can date whomever you wish. I seriously am having trouble understanding your dilemma. It honestly, and please forgive me for sounding blunt, that you are terrified that she will say yes. That is is easier for you to give up before even trying. Life isn't Hollywood. Hollywood is a poor imitation of life and should never ever compare one's life to some idiotic rom-com film, which portrays an unrealistic picture of happiness and sets up everyone for supreme disappointment (end rant). I think you need to be honest with your yourself and ask yourself why you are hesitant in taking charge of your own life and your own happiness? Why are you afraid that she will accept? Why are you afraid to deviate from the socially-constructed artificially induced parameters of 'normalcy'?

The problem with listening to the level-headed you? You are missing out on life - and this is coming from someone who is phenomenally cerebral and whose every move is often calculated, including the various implications that one move can lead to. I live in a fucking chess game, so yes, I know what it's like to listen to a 'level-headed' side, and I will tell you straight up: it's fine for work but in life? Not so much. I am not suggesting that you be irresponsible or reckless. Instead, I am suggesting that instead of saying no, you say yes more and take risks.

However, I will say this: you are assuming a lot. I can tell you right off that there is a few things that I despise and one of them is people assuming that they either know what I want or know better. You say you're not in a position to offer anything long term. How do you know this? Do you have any idea what SHE wants? Can you accurately determine that by not asking her out, you will not have an opportunity where you could offer a long-term relationship? And what does that mean, anyway? It's not solely up to you to 'offer' a long-term relationship; she also has a word. You cannot make a decision on HER part. If you want to ask her out, but do not, for the love of everything you hold holy, presume to know what she is or is not willing to take on.

You want to ask her out, ask her out. The worst case scenario, she says no. Best case scenario, you will uncover an adventure of a lifetime. Isn't that worth the risk?

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

tough

Yup. Been there done that several times. In retrospect, a couple of those deals seemed to end with indications I'd have been much better off acting on the feelings BUT that wasn't even remotely apparent at the time. Other than that, remember, the grass only LOOKS greener on the other side.

 

[Athalia]

The “romantic” in me says I’m not being true to myself. The level-headed white-collar professional in me says that asking her out would be a recipe for all kinds of trouble (I’ve decided to go with the level-headed dude – at least he’ll keep me out of trouble).

Listen to the level-headed dude. Especially if the person you're attracted to is a co-worker.

So the problem is – I feel like a loser, and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling. I mean, like I said, the “romantic” in me still keeps suggesting all kinds of ideas... which could lead to trouble – such as personal embarrassment, or maybe even more complicated problems, which I definitely don’t want. So I'm not listening to the "romantic". The “romantic” then quietly whispers “loser”.

I think that it's not the sense of loss, but the sense of opportunities missed. But that's part of life as an adult ... choosing from a variety of opportunities which ones to miss and which ones to take. It may help remember that the very process of declining opportunities may create a space for other opportunities to arise, which might not otherwise have happened if that space hadn't been there.

Now I’m wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been in a similar situation – maybe you had feelings for someone who was already married, or some such thing, and you just had to handle your feelings all by yourself – how did you do it?

I have been in exactly that situation with a man I've known for over thirty years now. We've been attracted to each other, but our timing sucks. When I was in a committed relationship, he was free, and when he was in committed relationship, I was free. So we've never had sex, and probably never will.

But here's the thing about opportunities. The fact that sex is off the table, even though we remain the best of friends, means that he is the one person I can talk about sex with in an honest way, because he knows that I'm not hitting on him, and he's not hitting on me. We can give each other honest evaluations and reality checks. And I don't want to screw that up, and he doesn't, either.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if there had been a time when we were both free, hooked up, and developed a sexual relationship. The idealist in me says that it might have been a match made in Heaven, but the realist in me tells me that, based on our past relationships, it wouldn't have worked. And in the process, he would never have become the confidante that he is today.

I can't speak for everybody, but with me, when I'm in a committed relationship that goes sour, it screws up that relationship forever. I often can't bear to even be in the same room with that person afterwards. So I am very grateful that things have turned out the way they have.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Timing is a good thing to point out.

Perhaps you can maintain an attitude that, if you still want her when it's no longer taboo (6 months or so), it would be a better time

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm an old guy. I spent my whole life living without regrets, now I regret it. Whatever came along I jumped at. I was an idiot. Take the path well traveled and treat the impulses as brief madness.

 

[NightL]

I'm an old guy. I spent my whole life living without regrets, now I regret it. Whatever came along I jumped at. I was an idiot. Take the path well traveled and treat the impulses as brief madness.

Ya what?!!!

Recovering from that surprise - erotica_n_s, there is no harm in admiring or finding someone you work with desirable. There is no harm in letting them know your appreciation providing you don't go all creepy on them. Actually trying to date someone you work with maybe not a great idea.

Why not establish a friendship first though - catch up for a drink/social time after work. If the chemistry is there it will find a way to weave the magic.

It does not have to be all or none though - a friendly connection alone can do wonders for the ego. A friendship can last a life time, an unwelcome advance could make a working environment very uncomfortable.

Go slow - be respectful - build friendship first. From previous postings I don't think you would carry the role of casual romance well - be careful.

Also be aware of the walls you create around you, last time advice was given you wore those walls like a security blanket refusing to believe things could be ever different.

In the meanwhile be genuinely interested in what she has to offer and say of herself - listen well. Contribute and don't dominate.

 

[FGB]

You sound a little insecure and most people are to some extent or another.

What do YOU want?

Now keep in mind things rarely work out the way we think they might, so relax about the whole should I or shouldn't I crossroads.

The fact is you don't know...who could without some hints?
You are going to get shot down and sometimes you are going to find yourself in awkward situations. That's life.

Thankfully a gratifying amount of time starting out some kind of relationship works out more often then you think. ASK! you have nothing to lose and if you get rejected be nice about it and cruise on and go back to being just as friendly as you were no more and no less. Sometime if they give a reason for not going out with you they are telling the truth! I've had ladies come back and ask me if the offer to "Go Out" was still open, saying that whatever reason they gave had changed or ran it's course.

Maybe it was true, maybe it was to see how I would react...the point is things usually went very well from that point on.

Remember NO risk NO reward. Ask for what you want and most of the time you will get it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Now I’m wondering if there’s anyone else here who has been in a similar situation – maybe you had feelings for someone who was already married, or some such thing, and you just had to handle your feelings all by yourself – how did you do it? Can I tell myself that I'm not a loser? Can I tell myself that, unlike protagonists in Hollywood movies, in real life, regular guys don't always "get the girl", and that's okay sometimes? Or is that just defeatist?

I mean, I realise you guys can’t tell me how to solve this quandary of mine, so I’m not necessarily asking for direct advice (although if you’ve got any thoughts, by all means put them forward). I just feel, listening to other people discussing their experiences might offer suggestions.

Been there more than once, made the same call you did. Once or twice because of other relationship commitments - my partners and I are non-monogamous, but even so, there are times when it seemed more important to focus on an existing relationship that needed maintenance, rather than get distracted by Shiny New Person no matter how tempting. Others because I'm very cautious about complicating things with co-workers, no matter how smart and attractive they might be.

It's annoying but it's part of being a grown-up.

 

[red111a]

I've been in a similar situation too you a number of times. From my experience not asking whatever the reason generally turns out to be a big regret. Asking ad being told no sure hurts but its nice and final and I no longer dwell on the what ifs. Not asking just leaves me thinking about the what ifs which isn't healthy and can effect choices going forward too.

 

[Que]

I would say not anymore but there are plenty of people that I'm interested in that I dont actually quote ask out unquote.

I engage with absolutely everybody that I'm using remotely interested in. Then it's simply a matter of seeing where it leads. If it escalates great if it doesn't well I have my answer.

Don't think of it as some big movie moment where you declare yourself and she has to make a big life decision based on basically no information.

You spend time you start slow. You flirt a little bit you see where it leads you don't have to make it a yes or no proposition. The guys that have succeeded with her in the past and will in the future more likely than not did not formally quote ask her out unquote.

 

[erotica_n_s]

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Alright folks... thanks for your responses - much appreciated.



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[Setanta84]

I agree with the majority of responses that you should listen to reason over the impulses your infatuation is giving you here. There are a few reasons here.

My favorite rebuttal to the notion that listening to the head over the heart always leads to heartache comes from the Stoics, Seneca specifically:

I think Panaetius gave a charming answer to the youth who asked whether the wise man would fall in love: ‘As to the wise man, we shall see. What concerns you and me, who are still a great distance from the wise man, is to ensure that we do not fall into a state of affairs which is disturbed, powerless, subservient to another and worthless to oneself.’ (Ep. 116. 5, trans. Long and Sedley)[5]

Love is a great thing--but it's also something that should be handled with care. I don't agree with the Stoics that you should NEVER let your emotions run away with you but--in my experience--that's something you should reserve for occasions where you are reasonably confident you are with the right person and it is the right time.

There is also a less academic saying that I find to be just as true: "Don't go chasing after women; they are like buses, another one will come along in awhile."

Nothing good in life ever just goes away for no reason. If there is a mutual interest and she's somewhat sane and reasonable, waiting won't hurt. If there isn't or it was just a passing infatuation for one or both of you, you saved yourself the pain the ass of getting attached before finding out it wasn't meant to last.

The two most likely results of pursuing a work romance, as I see it, are:

1) You both mean well but it blows up in your faces for any number of reasons.

2) It turns out you were chasing crazy pussy--happens to the best of us--and she hangs the weirdness and your compromised position over your head to manipulate and take advantage of you.

For all reasons gone through, the most prudent decision is to wait and see what comes.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

The two most likely results of pursuing a work romance, as I see it, are:

1) You both mean well but it blows up in your faces for any number of reasons.

2) It turns out you were chasing crazy pussy--happens to the best of us--and she hangs the weirdness and your compromised position over your head to manipulate and take advantage of you.

For all reasons gone through, the most prudent decision is to wait and see what comes.

dang.

you left out
3) You realize that you're more interested in the chase than an actual relationship; you end up bad mouthing the woman when things don't go your way; everyone you work with is exposed to unwanted drama, causing your professional peers to question your overall integrity.

 

[erotica_n_s]

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Can I just say - those of you that don't have to worry about "arranged marriages" - I envy you so much.




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[Hypoxia]

Ever been in a situation where you liked someone, but then chose not to ask them out? Yes. My partner would not have approved. What a spoilsport!

 

[NightL]

Can I just say - those of you that don't have to worry about "arranged marriages" - I envy you so much.

Will you force an arranged marriage on your child? If you do, what will use use as leverage? Your children, if you choose to father any (or is that 'forced' as well?), will no doubt be also educated, work and in live in the UK as you do - what will you do if they say "Fuck this, I am out of here..!"?

You may think my questions are simplistic compared to tradition you feel bound by, but why shouldn't you face those questions? I am highly curious as to your answers.

What will you do with your education? If education prepares for making reasoned, researched and calculated decisions to improve the future and to avoid repeating hindrances or mistakes of the past, what will you do with your education?

You live in a different world and times for where these traditions originate from.

What was that Devo song?

I'll say it again in the land of the free
Use your freedom of choice
Your freedom of choice​

 

[erotica_n_s]

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One of the nicest people here on Literotica sent me a very kind and thoughtful private message regarding this topic (you know who you are ).

Thanks very much! Kindness always appreciated .





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