Found out boyfriend is bi-curious

[Leeleigh]

I have written and posted wild stories here, but never envisioned myself in this situation.Over the years I have helped others, so I am turning to yall to help me.

I recently discovered my boyfriend of many years is bi-curious and I am struggling over how to handle this. I love him, but don't know if I can do what might interest him. I need some honest help cause I am way out of my depth.

 

[TangleLeg]

I have written and posted wild stories here, but never envisioned myself in this situation.Over the years I have helped others, so I am turning to yall to help me.

I recently discovered my boyfriend of many years is bi-curious and I am struggling over how to handle this. I love him, but don't know if I can do what might interest him. I need some honest help cause I am way out of my depth.

I'm far from an expert. I am merely a bit bi-curious myself, but could it be that a neutral ground you share is the bridge to dealing with it and maybe even allowing yourself to enjoy it?

For instance, on some level I'm guessing this can be interpreted to mean that you both have a shared appreciation for the male anatomy. I'd suggest that talking it through and looking for compatible options might be a real winning deal for you.

Do you like giving oral to a man? Maybe he does too. Maybe the two of you giving oral to another man would be mutually enjoyable. I'm sure there are multiple scenarios where this could turn out that you get to enjoy another attractive man, in your current mans presence, without damaging your relationship, and in fact making you guys even closer.

At least he's honest enough to tell you his deeper desire.

 

[TangleLeg]

Feel free to PM me to chat more about it if you'd like...or not.

It's all good.

 

[SweetErika]

I have written and posted wild stories here, but never envisioned myself in this situation.Over the years I have helped others, so I am turning to yall to help me.

I recently discovered my boyfriend of many years is bi-curious and I am struggling over how to handle this. I love him, but don't know if I can do what might interest him. I need some honest help cause I am way out of my depth.

Some questions you might consider answering to give us more info to go on:

Could you explain more about why you're struggling?

Do you know what he's most curious about and how he would like to proceed?

What would be your ideal route from here, in a perfect world?

Are you prepared to have a conversation about his feelings and potential compromises?

Is he willing and able to have that sort of conversation with you in the near future?

 

[FGB]

I have written and posted wild stories here, but never envisioned myself in this situation.Over the years I have helped others, so I am turning to yall to help me.

I recently discovered my boyfriend of many years is bi-curious and I am struggling over how to handle this. I love him, but don't know if I can do what might interest him. I need some honest help cause I am way out of my depth.

Tough spot to be in. How is the trust factor between you two?

Are you going to be able to handle it if things go further than curiosity?

I have a good friend who at one time thought "Bi-Guys" were the thing.

Now, some years later, if a guy sexually touched another guy in any way he would never get the chance to get into her panties!

Is this going to be a deal breaker?

Thankfully he is only a boyfriend if things go south...not that it won't hurt or I don't wish you all the luck in the world!

 

[NightL]

So you now no longer trust him - why?

Did he ask to have sex with other women before you knew? Why do you think he will suddenly want to have sex, outside your relationship, with men?

"I recently discovered my boyfriend of many years..." so are you now forgetting that you have been his girlfriend for many years?

You may well have a problem on your hands and it may not be him - just your own attitude to a "so what" situation.

 

[Harold_Hill]

I have written and posted wild stories here, but never envisioned myself in this situation.Over the years I have helped others, so I am turning to yall to help me.

I recently discovered my boyfriend of many years is bi-curious and I am struggling over how to handle this. I love him, but don't know if I can do what might interest him. I need some honest help cause I am way out of my depth.

Talk to him about it. Be open and honest about your feelings regarding this matter, and he should do the same. If after understanding each others feelings about this, you find it is something that won't work for you: tell him so! The key phrase here is "My boyfriend of many years." You have been together long enough that the two of you can work this out. This can't be the first serious issue you and he has had to work out. With the openness of both male and female sexuality today, it is very common for men to become curious. Being bi-curious doesn't automatically mean he is going to turn gay. Likely, it just means he is like a lot of men today: curious. Talk to him, and see if he has even thought it through.

 

[Leeleigh]

Sorry it took so long to get back to yall..

We have been together for 10 years and he kept it secret.. I never knew till I found things he left open on the computer and did some reading.. to say that I was shocked would be the understatement. He has done nothing other than talk online with people who are like him, he has not acted upon anything YET.. I don't know that he ever will, on the same coin, I don't know that he won't and I will suddenly find myself out in the cold. So its not that I don't trust him.. I am scared... neither of us wants to lose the other.. and we both are kind of walking on egg shells right now.

I am willing to help him explore his curiosity, between just the two of us.. I just don't know how to, and hope someone out there has some suggestions.. I am figuring getting some toys would be a good start.

 

[SweetErika]

Sorry it took so long to get back to yall..

We have been together for 10 years and he kept it secret.. I never knew till I found things he left open on the computer and did some reading.. to say that I was shocked would be the understatement. He has done nothing other than talk online with people who are like him, he has not acted upon anything YET.. I don't know that he ever will, on the same coin, I don't know that he won't and I will suddenly find myself out in the cold. So its not that I don't trust him.. I am scared... neither of us wants to lose the other.. and we both are kind of walking on egg shells right now.

I am willing to help him explore his curiosity, between just the two of us.. I just don't know how to, and hope someone out there has some suggestions.. I am figuring getting some toys would be a good start.

It's totally understandable that you feel uncertain - this is totally unknown territory, right? And, yeah, it may not be an explicit violation of trust, but finding a hidden aspect of a long-term partner's life and that they've kept a big secret is certainly ample justification for your feelings.

I'm sure you don't want to lose each other, but perhaps now is an ideal time to take stock of where each of you feels the relationship is, where you'd like it to be 1, 5, 10, 20 years down the road, and to take a really hard look at your expectations. If he doesn't have a near- or long-term expectation of exploring outside your relationship, you can at least take worrying about that off your plate. Even if he does want/need to explore at some point, perhaps you can figure out some sort of compromise that's likely to work for both of you. And, yes, maybe if your needs and visions for the future are vastly different and dissonant, it might be time to move on. Hopefully you two can work something out that is comfortable for you AND allows him to explore his interest in men to the extent he feels the need to do so.

You'd have to talk to him about ways to explore. He may or may not want to explore together. He may want to have toys and porn for masturbation only. Even as comfortable as I am talking with my husband about my bisexuality, it's not really something I've ever wanted to explore with him beyond talk. I don't really know why that is, but I'd advise you to gently ask your guy if he might be interested in exploring together through things like fantasy, porn and toys, without assuming or pushing.

Beyond that, though, you just need to communicate, as just about everyone has advised you. If it's an uncomfortable subject (and it may very well be, since he's hidden it for such a long time), maybe you can write each other letters (and ideally, read them to each other--even back-to-back or in a darkened room--to minimize misinterpretation). You'll need to find out how he feels and what his needs and wants are. After that, if you need him to reassure you that he wants to be with you, won't run out on you, cheat on you, lie to you, hide anything else from you, etc., then ask him for those reassurances.

Be kind, loving, generous and compassionate with your partner. You may or may not end up staying in this relationship, but regardless of the outcome, approaching a subject like this with the right spirit pays dividends, in my experience. It'll help you both work through the situation, hopefully he will treat you in kind, and no matter what, you can be really proud of the way you conducted yourself.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

my ex bf was bi.treated me as his submissive guy frnd and always insisted on me dress as a boy and anal always on me.

 

[Harold_Hill]

I am scared... neither of us wants to lose the other.. and we both are kind of walking on egg shells right now.

I understand that you are scared, but communication is still the key. The biggest threat to your relationship is isolating yourself from each other. Talking about this is going to be hard at first, but with an open mind, it does get easier.

 

[Leeleigh]

From what I understand from him all he has done is look and talk.. he has taken no actual action, not even using a toy on himself. I have suggested that we look into getting some toys, one for him, one for me, to do a little playing. I have also suggested that he consider me being around when he is looking at the things that turn him on, or having cyber sex with the guys he has been doing this with. I can be his live toy, so to speak. He is afraid I will get scared or upset over what I see. I am trying to keep an open mind and see where this goes. So far we are communicating and he isn't hiding things like he did. Its kinda to late to do that now, right.

 

[jomar]

Communication is good and trust appears present as well as love.

What are your thoughts on strapons?

Might be rewarding for you both. Can easily be a loving thing, and gentle dirty talk can be hot.

 

[Limez]

From what I understand from him all he has done is look and talk.. he has taken no actual action, not even using a toy on himself. I have suggested that we look into getting some toys, one for him, one for me, to do a little playing. I have also suggested that he consider me being around when he is looking at the things that turn him on, or having cyber sex with the guys he has been doing this with. I can be his live toy, so to speak. He is afraid I will get scared or upset over what I see. I am trying to keep an open mind and see where this goes. So far we are communicating and he isn't hiding things like he did. Its kinda to late to do that now, right.

May I make a humble suggestion. Make 2 second life accounts, 1 for you and 1 for him. Explore it in a totally safe environment that with a single click has a kill switch and do it together.

Second Life is a great place to safely explore sexuality.

 

[MissJW]

I'm married to a man who is sexually attracted to men. I don't want to classify him as bi, for his sexuality is a complex one. Throughout his entire life (he's ~40 yrs old) he's felt romantic (and sexual) interest towards only three different girls/women, whereas many, many men get his blood boiling - yet only sexually. So romantically he's straight, sexually he's sort of gay-ish with a straight twist that got him married.

Anyways, Leeleigh, as others have said and you stated yourself, I'd say talk, talk, talk and then try "gay stuff" out in bed if that's what you both wish.

Being bi-curious doesn't make him a cheater, only cheating does. Sure now you know he's attracted to men, but he's been attracted to women all this time and he still hasn't cheated, so why would he do it now?

My hubby's sexual interest in men has brought more diversity in our sex life, that's for sure. For example we own realistic skin dildos and I use them on him, both anally and for stroking. We also make love using a strap-on, but that doesn't mean we don't make love without it. My pussy gets at least as much attention from him as his ass gets from me. So I'd say we sort of get the best of both worlds. Besides I love to discuss cute guys with him!

Oh and we're strictly monogamous. Although I'd love to see him get fucked by another man, but that's a totally different story and has nothing to do with our everyday life.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

These pre-fags will try it sooner or later, and then all bets are off.

What sane people do is recognize their attraction to murder and theft and boinking Ma, and don't. Pre fags look for an excuse to do it.

 

[Harold_Hill]

These pre-fags will try it sooner or later, and then all bets are off.

What sane people do is recognize their attraction to murder and theft and boinking Ma, and don't. Pre fags look for an excuse to do it.

I respect and defend your right to your opinion, but I think you are going to have to agree, murder and theft is not quite the same thing as sucking a cock. After all, whether you or I like it, homosexuality is legal now. And as far as having an excuse, why would anyone need an excuse to do something that isn't illegal?

 

[Harold_Hill]

now you know he's attracted to men

I'm not challenging your opinion, just wanted to add a thought. Because of the openness and tolerance in our culture today, sexuality has become a complex thing for men. Just because a man is bi-curious, it doesn't automatically mean that he is attracted to men per se. There are a lot of bi curious men who are attracted to the excitement of the sex act, but not attracted to the man emotionally. A lot of bi curious and bi sexual men are drawn to male/male sex for the physical pleasure, but would never dream of kissing or hugging another man.

 

[TangleLeg]

From what I understand from him all he has done is look and talk.. he has taken no actual action, not even using a toy on himself. I have suggested that we look into getting some toys, one for him, one for me, to do a little playing. I have also suggested that he consider me being around when he is looking at the things that turn him on, or having cyber sex with the guys he has been doing this with. I can be his live toy, so to speak. He is afraid I will get scared or upset over what I see. I am trying to keep an open mind and see where this goes. So far we are communicating and he isn't hiding things like he did. Its kinda to late to do that now, right.

That sounds awesome. You're not judging him, or cutting him off, and you're willing to explore with him. In that respect, he's a fortunate man.

Best of all, you're commutative. Too many couples go through life and let little, (or huge) things impact their communication. Keep up the good work!

 

[TangleLeg]

I'm not challenging your opinion, just wanted to add a thought. Because of the openness and tolerance in our culture today, sexuality has become a complex thing for men. Just because a man is bi-curious, it doesn't automatically mean that he is attracted to men per se. There are a lot of bi curious men who are attracted to the excitement of the sex act, but not attracted to the man emotionally. A lot of bi curious and bi sexual men are drawn to male/male sex for the physical pleasure, but would never dream of kissing or hugging another man.

I can vouch for that...and learn from it.

 

[MissJW]

I'm not challenging your opinion, just wanted to add a thought. Because of the openness and tolerance in our culture today, sexuality has become a complex thing for men. Just because a man is bi-curious, it doesn't automatically mean that he is attracted to men per se. There are a lot of bi curious men who are attracted to the excitement of the sex act, but not attracted to the man emotionally. A lot of bi curious and bi sexual men are drawn to male/male sex for the physical pleasure, but would never dream of kissing or hugging another man.

You probably didn't read my post, as I wrote pretty much the same thing while describing my husband ("Throughout his entire life (he's ~40 yrs old) he's felt romantic (and sexual) interest towards only three different girls/women, whereas many, many men get his blood boiling - yet only sexually. So romantically he's straight, sexually he's sort of gay-ish with a straight twist that got him married.".

So yes. I probably should've used a better word instead of "attracted", but I'm very aware of men (including my own) being sexually interested (/attracted!) in another men without a need to have anything else going on.

 

[TangleLeg]

You probably didn't read my post, as I wrote pretty much the same thing while describing my husband ("Throughout his entire life (he's ~40 yrs old) he's felt romantic (and sexual) interest towards only three different girls/women, whereas many, many men get his blood boiling - yet only sexually. So romantically he's straight, sexually he's sort of gay-ish with a straight twist that got him married.".

So yes. I probably should've used a better word instead of "attracted", but I'm very aware of men (including my own) being sexually interested (/attracted!) in another men without a need to have anything else going on.

I appreciated your original post. As I'm trying to wrap head around my own bi-curiosity, and be honest with myself about it, your perspective was insightful.

Lately it's the first time I've confronted it without an undercurrent of shame, to be gut honest about it.

It helps to see that other men experience it the same way, as in, not really gay. I love my wife, and can easily sacrifice this desire on the alter of not hurting her, so in that respect it's likely I'll not pursue my fantasies...after all, I'm not gay. It is only a fantasy for me rather than a deep desire to experience love with another man.

(I'm not down on gay people in any way, this is merely the stage of growth I'm experiencing as I explore this aspect of my sexuality.)

Pardon the divergence from the original topic.

 

[MissJW]

Lately it's the first time I've confronted it without an undercurrent of shame, to be gut honest about it.

This is a wonderful thing to hear! Keep the attitude up!

I gave this topic a bit more thought... It's a difficult one. What does a man's attraction to men even mean? Are we even able to define it?

If I think about it through my husband, for him it means getting aroused by the thought of being intimate with a man. It means getting aroused by men visually. It doesn't mean having romantic feelings towards a man. I don't know if it's because he just isn't romantically wired towards men or because he's hardly romantically wired towards anyone. It's only been me and two others girls in the past.

He's said he loves my pussy, but doesn't crave a pussy. He loves my body, but isn't interested / aroused in bodies of women in general. But then again he can describe the most arousing male bodies in every little detail. He enjoys watching them, talking about them and - back in his youth - touching them too. Without anything turning romantic.

So how do we satisfy his attraction towards men in our straight, monogamous marriage? As I said, we use realistic dildos and do anal play. But maybe he enjoys it just because he's particularly sensitive back there? Or maybe all men are equally sensitive but only a few know it (for having the guts to try it)? Or maybe he really is particularly sensitive because it somehow goes hand in hand with his sexual attraction to men?

After all, I can pound him with a strap-on for the rest of my life but it still doesn't mean he's having sex with a man! He's having sex with a woman in a way many men have sex with each other. Would that be enough if he was really emotionally attracted to men as well? Enjoying anal play in general doesn't make one gay, that's for sure. So does it have anything to do with male-to-male attraction at all? After all, (excluding mouth) it's the only hole men got, so if gay folk want to fuck they're a bit short on choices.

So.... how does it all work? It's very interesting and I'd love to get to the bottom of it (no pun intended).

 

[Harold_Hill]

You probably didn't read my post, as I wrote pretty much the same thing while describing my husband

As I said, I wasn't challenging your point of view. You made a good point and I just wanted to add my own thoughts. Not knowing you are your husband personally, I'm not sure any of this applies in your case, but there are a lot of men today who are bi curious, but feel shame at at the thought of being branded gay. For a lot of people today, (if not most), the definition of homosexuality is black and white. For most in the court of public opinion, suck one cock and you're gay, but I'm not convinced that is actually true. There seems to be a lot of men today who love women, (many even happily married, and raising a family), but are drawn to the physical act of male/male sex without any emotional attachment to the man. I guess while anyone engaging in same gender sex could be technically defined as homosexual (by Websters), I think in the real world, bi sexual and homosexual are not the same thing. Just my opinion, but I think, (the court of public opinion), should consider the emotional attachment before branding someone gay or bi. Just my opinion, but I think the emotional attraction/attachment defines whether a person is gay or straight regardless of the sex act involved. I think a person who enjoys same gender sex should still be considered straight if that person's primary emotional attraction is to the opposite sex. Perhaps in some cases, instead of someone being labeled bi or gay, hetero-flexible might be a better way of describing a person's attraction to same gender sex.

Just to be clear, I wasn't aiming my opinion at you personally, but after reading your and the OP's original post, (and I did real all of yours), I felt this thread is worthy of a broader discussion about bi curiosity. There are a lot of men, (and probably women too), who struggle with these feelings, and perhaps an open discussion might help some of them better understand their own sexual feelings.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I respect and defend your right to your opinion, but I think you are going to have to agree, murder and theft is not quite the same thing as sucking a cock. After all, whether you or I like it, homosexuality is legal now. And as far as having an excuse, why would anyone need an excuse to do something that isn't illegal?

I recall when Gay was a depraved mental disorder, a crew of perfessers made it chic with their vote. Maybe they'll change their minds and vote anew. But people sucked cocks when it was a mental illness and illegal. People drank alcohol when it was illegal. People drink it legally and many experience hell on earth from it. But the question is, is sucking a cock a good idea when youre married? No it isn't.