New and Seeking Advice

[moon_spirit]

Hello everyone.

So I don't really know what to say. I've never used any sort of forum before, nor have I ever talked about BDSM to anybody. Its just been my little secret.

...........Okay you know what fuck this. I've tried to type out a nice introduction about myself and how I came to learn of BDSM like 5 times now and it all sounds like a shitty attempt at an autobiography. So I'm just gonna say/ask what's on my mind.

I've liked BDSM (although I didn't know it had a name) since I first started having sexual fantasies.

I would say love, but I've never had a BDSM experience to know for sure.

I finally started to understand and accept the way I am after reading the web-comic "Sunstone" by shiniez (Stjepan Šejić) on deviantArt (I was into it before that, but had no clue on how to start approaching it).

I am ready to honestly have a BDSM experience.

There's just one problem.

I don't know if I'm a Domme or a sub.

Both roles are so appealing and I feel like I can connect to each one.

I love the look and confidence of a Domme - but I also wish to have my freedom taken away too.

I want to strap a collar on someone, claim them as mine, and watch them squirm under a blindfold waiting for my touch - but I also want my itches scratched in an aggressive way.

Can someone please help me? I feel like this is such a huge dilemma.

I feel myself gravitating toward being a Domme but how do I know for sure that it's what's right for me?

Any advice or past experiences are greatly appreciated!!

-Moon

 

[seela]

Hello everyone.

So I don't really know what to say. I've never used any sort of forum before, nor have I ever talked about BDSM to anybody. Its just been my little secret.

...........Okay you know what fuck this. I've tried to type out a nice introduction about myself and how I came to learn of BDSM like 5 times now and it all sounds like a shitty attempt at an autobiography. So I'm just gonna say/ask what's on my mind.

I've liked BDSM (although I didn't know it had a name) since I first started having sexual fantasies.

I would say love, but I've never had a BDSM experience to know for sure.

I finally started to understand and accept the way I am after reading the web-comic "Sunstone" by shiniez (Stjepan Šejić) on deviantArt (I was into it before that, but had no clue on how to start approaching it).

I am ready to honestly have a BDSM experience.

There's just one problem.

I don't know if I'm a Domme or a sub.

Both roles are so appealing and I feel like I can connect to each one.

I love the look and confidence of a Domme - but I also wish to have my freedom taken away too.

I want to strap a collar on someone, claim them as mine, and watch them squirm under a blindfold waiting for my touch - but I also want my itches scratched in an aggressive way.

Can someone please help me? I feel like this is such a huge dilemma.

I feel myself gravitating toward being a Domme but how do I know for sure that it's what's right for me?

Any advice or past experiences are greatly appreciated!!

-Moon

Hi and welcome to the forum!

You're definitely not the first (nor the last) to deal with this dilemma, so maybe knowing that you're not alone with your problem can give you some comfort.

Stella Omega has written a post that we often throw at newcomers and others thinking about which label they should attach to themselves. It may or may not make your mind go "ding, ding, ding", but it's definitely worth reading and it may help you look at labels a little bit more broadly than simply "either a D or an s."

That said, you don't have to pick one or the other. There's switch, which is a legitimate thing (although at least in past switces were sneered upon as not being "real") and means that you are interested in being both PYL and a pyl.* Most switches lean a bit more towards one or the other in their preference, or their preference can simply depend on the person they are with. One person envokes feelings of submission in theim, other makes them want to pick up a crop.

I'd suggest that instead of trying to look for a label to call yourself with, you instead focus on thinking about what it is that makes you tick and what you'd like to experience and go from there. Get comfortable with talking about your preferences and learn to stick to your limits and negotiate. Once you gain some experience, maybe a label you feel comfortable with becomes clear to you. Or maybe it doesn't, and that's perfectly fine, too. Most people don't fit into one neat pigeon hole anyways.

And definitely don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to do X even if you don't care for it because that's what people often expect from someone identifying with a label Y. There's no one right way to do things and be things. BDSM is a huge smörgåsbord where you get to pick your favorites. Use that possibility without thinking about the restrictions of your chosen label, should you ever choose one.

*PYL and pyl are a common shortening on this board and are used to make people feel included in the conversations. The letter come from the words Pick Your Label.

PYL = Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress/Top/Daddy/Mommy/Owner etc.
pyl = sub/slave/bottom/little/pet etc.

 

[IrisAlthea]

No need to choose.
You can try both and find out that you are one of those things.
You could also find out that both of them are aspects of your personality, either in different parts of your life or with different people, at different times etc.
You might also find that neither fits perfectly and want for something elese to call it.
Stellas post has helped many with this:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

 

[ecstaticsub]

I can't really add too much to what's already been said but wanted to welcome you to the forum.

You can enjoy doing kinky things without labeling yourself either dominant, submissive or even switch.

A person can always changes their mind about what they like, too.

 

[moon_spirit]

Wow thank you so much! It's very comforting to know I'm not alone in this and I very much appreciate the help!

 

[Erochic]

I just posted about enjoying being dominant, but having masochistic tendencies - and how to reconcile the two.

So no you are not alone at all.

I naturally fall more towards dominant, and submission doesn't come easily for me - but I really enjoy a certain amount of being the bottom - with my ex I had a great deal of trust and enjoyed exploring submission.

Now with partners I am playing with I'm not interested in exploring submission - instead I am really enjoying dominance.
It really pushes my buttons and I've enjoyed a lot of playing with control and teasing and I'm definitely the one in control - but at the same time I still really enjoy fairly rough sex and like to be bitten.



I'm wondering if this is a fairly common dilemma for dominant women.

 

[moon_spirit]

I just posted about enjoying being dominant, but having masochistic tendencies - and how to reconcile the two.

So no you are not alone at all.

I naturally fall more towards dominant, and submission doesn't come easily for me - but I really enjoy a certain amount of being the bottom - with my ex I had a great deal of trust and enjoyed exploring submission.

Now with partners I am playing with I'm not interested in exploring submission - instead I am really enjoying dominance.
It really pushes my buttons and I've enjoyed a lot of playing with control and teasing and I'm definitely the one in control - but at the same time I still really enjoy fairly rough sex and like to be bitten.



I'm wondering if this is a fairly common dilemma for dominant women.

This is literally EXACTLY how I feel! Down to a T! How do you balance? Can you have both?

 

[Kumo163]

Read like crazy. Read about all the scenes and equipment you're interested in. Naturally, you might feel yourself starting to gravitate towards "Dom" or "subs". If you think you'd be comfortable with both, you can also be a "switch" :3

 

[Shankara20]

Read like crazy. Read about all the scenes and equipment you're interested in. Naturally, you might feel yourself starting to gravitate towards "Dom" or "subs". If you think you'd be comfortable with both, you can also be a "switch" :3

Welcome, and Bravo (or Brava as the case may be...) for taking this big step.

Labels to define oneself? I am a Bi Top (or bi switch depending on the day), but I will flirt as a Top or bottom, gay -bi - straight. So I support staying as fluid as possible while sorting things out. And if possible, re-label as new information about yourself surfaces.

About 20 years ago I found the book "Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices"
by Brenda Love very helpful in finding out where my interests were. As I read through the short descriptions of the practices my body reacted with excitement or reputation - I got drippy/hard, or pulled my knees together - this sorta told me what I might like, or not-so-much, before ever involving another person in my playtime.

Hopefully this place serves you well.

Have fun. Shank

 

[AnEnglishmanWrites]

This is literally EXACTLY how I feel! Down to a T! How do you balance? Can you have both?

Given that to d or s well requires constantly putting yourself in your partner's shoes, I've for some time been wondering if any good dom(me) doesn't have some level of arousal from imagining submission, and vice versa. Maybe I'm only saying that because I seem to be becoming increasingly switch, though.

 

[subwannabe]

I say just pick one and jump in the water and see how it goes and I want to clarify that by just picking one doesn't mean you have to decide one way or the other. Just start. I also identify with both but am probably 25% dom and 75% sub.