Newbie seeks advice re encouraging her dom

[LadyAusten]

Hi

I have just started seeing someone and we are both enjoying the lighter aspects in our play. Face sitting, tying up, spanking, blindfolds. I think partly as we are both new to each other and to bdsm there is some reluctance on his part to enforce things.

What I am finding v attractive about this man is his natural but quiet air of authority. Realise it's against the grain of bdsm for the sub to take the lead but I'd like to encourage (without scaring him off) him to be able to be slightly more forceful. We sext a lot and in those discussions there are things he's mentioned which are more this way inclined but then when we meet up there's no follow through.

Also he is sometimes away with his job and I'd like to explore his controlling me from a distance. Eg instructing me to do/wear things

All tips gratefully appreciated

You've probably already guessed but for me its as much about the psychology of the relationship as bdsm activities

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Hi

I have just started seeing someone and we are both enjoying the lighter aspects in our play. Face sitting, tying up, spanking, blindfolds. I think partly as we are both new to each other and to bdsm there is some reluctance on his part to enforce things.

What I am finding v attractive about this man is his natural but quiet air of authority. Realise it's against the grain of bdsm for the sub to take the lead but I'd like to encourage (without scaring him off) him to be able to be slightly more forceful. We sext a lot and in those discussions there are things he's mentioned which are more this way inclined but then when we meet up there's no follow through.

Also he is sometimes away with his job and I'd like to explore his controlling me from a distance. Eg instructing me to do/wear things

All tips gratefully appreciated

You've probably already guessed but for me its as much about the psychology of the relationship as bdsm activities

The psychological side is too often overlooked, and can add layers upon layers of interest and enjoyment... A couple of things:
Against the grain for the sub to take the lead is... not quite accurate. Sounds like you need to read Stella Omega's essay in her signature. I'm on a phone or I would get it for you... she or somebody should be around shortly to help out, I hope. If not, just look her up and read her essay. There is nothing wrong with a sub letting their wishes be known, and pushing for what they want. After all, especially given that you are interested in the psychological side, your interactions cannot be one sided (his side!). You deserve to have your needs understood, discussed, and hopefully met.
Speaking of psychology, good thing it interests you as you may need to employ a bit of it You mention that enticing things are discussed in texts, but not followed through on in person. Are you just waiting for him to make the first move? If so, take that step yourself, and then be sure to verbalize how you felt about it. Basically, praise him for behaviour you appreciate. Start small and try not to be too obvious... but Doms are people too subject to flattery and gratitude. Perhaps even more so than others, depending on the person
Keep coming back and telling us how it's going and ask more questions. And I'm sure others have more to add to this... I hope it goes well for you! Enjoy!

 

[LadyAusten]

Thanks for the reply. I'll take what you've said on board. He's away at the moment. How do I find the essay/signature mentioned? New to using this part of the site plus usually using on iPhone

Thanks

 

[redzinger]

Thanks for the reply. I'll take what you've said on board. He's away at the moment. How do I find the essay/signature mentioned? New to using this part of the site plus usually using on iPhone

Thanks

Here you go:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Thank you for that redzinger!

LadyAusten - hope it helps work through some of your notions about what D/s "should be"

 

[LadyAusten]

Thanks definitely an interesting article. Not sure it applies to my situation but I'll keep reading and thinking

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks definitely an interesting article. Not sure it applies to my situation but I'll keep reading and thinking

It does seem counter-intuitive, and there are most certainly folks who are genuinely invested in submission, only satisfied by satisfying someone else's needs.

Sometimes you need a description of one thing, to know you want some other thing-- my essay has helped in that way, on occasion

 

[NickiC]

Hi

I have just started seeing someone and we are both enjoying the lighter aspects in our play. Face sitting, tying up, spanking, blindfolds. I think partly as we are both new to each other and to bdsm there is some reluctance on his part to enforce things.

What I am finding v attractive about this man is his natural but quiet air of authority. Realise it's against the grain of bdsm for the sub to take the lead but I'd like to encourage (without scaring him off) him to be able to be slightly more forceful. We sext a lot and in those discussions there are things he's mentioned which are more this way inclined but then when we meet up there's no follow through.

Also he is sometimes away with his job and I'd like to explore his controlling me from a distance. Eg instructing me to do/wear things

All tips gratefully appreciated

You've probably already guessed but for me its as much about the psychology of the relationship as bdsm activities

This is my take on the whole thing. You want to control it all so I doubt you are a sub. You are pushing a man you like into a dominant role and that is not a sub. You may love him and cherish him but he is not a Master by nature. There are switches but he seems to do this because he loves you not because it is his nature

 

[Stella_Omega]

This is my take on the whole thing. You want to control it all so I doubt you are a sub. You are pushing a man you like into a dominant role and that is not a sub. You may love him and cherish him but he is not a Master by nature. There are switches but he seems to do this because he loves you not because it is his nature

MIght be worth your while to read her post much, much more carefully.

Just saying...

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Dominant bottom
Which is why I suggested Stella's essay...

 

[subwannabe]

Communication. Just tell him.

 

[GrrlFriday]

Just as a thought - perhaps the things he's willing to text (but doesn't follow through on) are ideas that he's trying out as a fantasy?

 

[heartmedic]

It's always great to explore and enjoy each other in this way but I think since it's new like you say... it's just going to take a little time to develop the relationship to a deeper psychological level. The best thing to do ultimately is tell him.

Easy to say, but if you get a little nervous about being straightforward, just make a point of mentioning specific things you like about him. Say you like that he's more dominant than other guys and why (does it make you feel secure, etc.)... that it turns you on and you'd love to see more of it. Ask him about his fantasies in sexting and (if you actually like them), remind him specifically about one when you're together (e.g. 'So about that ___.... Couldn't stop thinking about it all day. We could try it.'). Tease him by dropping hints on how much you relished the submission or your own submissive fantasies. Challenge his authority playfully to make him use more of it.

True (and the best) doms are usually highly sensitive to their submissive's limits. They don't want to push you further than they know you're ready for... but as you and this guy don't know each other very well yet, help him along in letting him know what you like and desire. And honestly, if it doesn't work and he keeps stepping down in person... maybe he's just really not very dominant at heart or needs more time.

 

[NickiC]

MIght be worth your while to read her post much, much more carefully.

Just saying...

I read it.

 

[KoPilot]

I read it.

Are you either of the people involved in this relationship? No? Then your pronouncement means shit.