so how do i broach this?

[SweetThickLips]

I'm in a vanilla marriage. There I said it. I'm bored, unfulfilled and annoyed. We weren't always so boring. We used to bring others into our bed (men and women), played with toys, got rough (though not quite enough for me),you name it we tried it. Now...I'm always Top, no fondling except for me giving him a bj, nothing! Since he's not interested in fun and satisfying sex, I've been having more explicit dreams.

Here's my question... how do I tell him I need more? I've gone the route of telling exactly what I want (ie: bite me, pull my___, spank me...) and I get nothing. Be lays there with his hands behind his head until he's ready to come, then he flips me doggy. It's the same thing over and over, nothing changes. If he can't do anything I need him to do...then what? Talk about a Dom? I'm just not willing to end my 17yr relationship (8yr marriage), and I don't want to be sneaky and cheat.

If you made it to the end of my post, thank you. If you have any thoughts, be honest too please, thank you again.

 

[simpletimes]

I'm in a vanilla marriage. There I said it. I'm bored, unfulfilled and annoyed. We weren't always so boring. We used to bring others into our bed (men and women), played with toys, got rough (though not quite enough for me),you name it we tried it. Now...I'm always Top, no fondling except for me giving him a bj, nothing! Since he's not interested in fun and satisfying sex, I've been having more explicit dreams.

Here's my question... how do I tell him I need more? I've gone the route of telling exactly what I want (ie: bite me, pull my___, spank me...) and I get nothing. Be lays there with his hands behind his head until he's ready to come, then he flips me doggy. It's the same thing over and over, nothing changes. If he can't do anything I need him to do...then what? Talk about a Dom? I'm just not willing to end my 17yr relationship (8yr marriage), and I don't want to be sneaky and cheat.

If you made it to the end of my post, thank you. If you have any thoughts, be honest too please, thank you again.

Invite him to the lit world. Read some stories together. Communication is the key.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sounds like you already have broached this.And it sounds like he has everything going exactly the way he wants it.

I'm thinking that you already know what you need to do and you don't want to do it-- for which, I can't blame you.

 

[desertslave]

In my experience, guys are (voluntarily) obtuse. Sit him down (not in the bedroom) and talk with him in detail about how unfulfilled you feel and what more you would like him to do. Be as explicit as possible and tell him exactly what you posted here. Give him the option of participating in your mutual fulfillment or allowing you to find it elsewhere.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Oh god, can't believe I am going to say this...
I have never, ever been an advocate of using sex as a weapon, and I'm not exactly proposing it here, but closely enough that it kind of makes me squirmy. But even so, it might be worth a try.

He lays there until he is ready to cum? Why can't you lay there until you are ready to cum? You are taking the active role, obviously. You did mention that you are top. Stop your activities. Make him seek out the actions that will allow him to get off instead of you handing his orgasms over on a silver platter, and perhaps you can influence some of the outcome at that time?

It's just a thought... I hope you can work something out. As others are saying, communicate. Sometimes that has to be done with actions instead of words.

 

[FantasyGir1]

Oh no...

I'm in a vanilla marriage. There I said it. I'm bored, unfulfilled and annoyed. We weren't always so boring. We used to bring others into our bed (men and women), played with toys, got rough (though not quite enough for me),you name it we tried it. Now...I'm always Top, no fondling except for me giving him a bj, nothing! Since he's not interested in fun and satisfying sex, I've been having more explicit dreams.

Here's my question... how do I tell him I need more? I've gone the route of telling exactly what I want (ie: bite me, pull my___, spank me...) and I get nothing. Be lays there with his hands behind his head until he's ready to come, then he flips me doggy. It's the same thing over and over, nothing changes. If he can't do anything I need him to do...then what? Talk about a Dom? I'm just not willing to end my 17yr relationship (8yr marriage), and I don't want to be sneaky and cheat.

If you made it to the end of my post, thank you. If you have any thoughts, be honest too please, thank you again.

You poor girl. So to me it sounds like he KNOWS what you want...he just doesn't care anymore? Something had to happen for him to just quit trying. Did you ask him what's caused him to have a lack of emotion in the bedroom? Do you have cause to think he might be cheating?

Simpletimes (my Daddy) is right...you HAVE to communicate with him about this. And you have to do it rationally while outside of the bedroom. Tell him your concerned for him, and your marriage. See what he says. Maybe suggest seeing a sex therapist and see how he responds to that. Suggest lit. Read stories together, watch your favorite porn together. Only as a last result would I ask for an open marriage so you can find a Dom. If your husband WANTS to try for you, then you could probably find a local Dom on a certain website (PM me if you want details) that would be willing to mentor your husband.

Be prepared though for him not agreeing to any of it (hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right? ) and then you're left with the tough decision of choosing...your marriage, or your needs being met. Every healthy relationship includes sex, and often compromise. And if you want to save the marriage, one of you will have to compromise.

I hope this helps a little. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

Tell him you want more and hand him a kinky story that includes the acts you want. Give him a wink and tell him you'll see him later.

 

[SweetThickLips]

I'm not sure how well this would go over, he won't even watch porn with me, but I'll sure try.

 

[SweetThickLips]

Exactly Stella, and it makes me depressed to think of not living my life with him. We've been together for half my life, I don't know what my life would be like without him.

 

[SweetThickLips]

In my experience, guys are (voluntarily) obtuse. Sit him down (not in the bedroom) and talk with him in detail about how unfulfilled you feel and what more you would like him to do. Be as explicit as possible and tell him exactly what you posted here. Give him the option of participating in your mutual fulfillment or allowing you to find it elsewhere.

The only thing I haven't done yet is ask if I can go outside of our marriage. I'm so new to the D/s relationship, I'm not sure how to even broach that.

 

[SweetThickLips]

Oh god, can't believe I am going to say this...
I have never, ever been an advocate of using sex as a weapon, and I'm not exactly proposing it here, but closely enough that it kind of makes me squirmy. But even so, it might be worth a try.

He lays there until he is ready to cum? Why can't you lay there until you are ready to cum? You are taking the active role, obviously. You did mention that you are top. Stop your activities. Make him seek out the actions that will allow him to get off instead of you handing his orgasms over on a silver platter, and perhaps you can influence some of the outcome at that time?

It's just a thought... I hope you can work something out. As others are saying, communicate. Sometimes that has to be done with actions instead of words.

I'm starting to agree with you Collar. I'll have to make him chase me

 

[SweetThickLips]

Tell him you want more and hand him a kinky story that includes the acts you want. Give him a wink and tell him you'll see him later.

That sounds like a fantastic idea!

 

[KoPilot]

Have you considered that maybe his libido has taken a hit? There could be something going on hormonally if he's not consciously being a selfish jerk here.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

Multiple good options.

STL, before you look elsewhere, which it sounds like you really don't want to do, you have to do some investigation work. First, let's start with the physical/medical issues. 1) get him a full physical with lab work. The labs of specific interests are a thyroid panel, testosterone level, and a blood sugar. All of which could throw off sex drive. 2) Is he depressed? or 3)on certain medications or herbal remedies that are having an effect on his sex drive? 4) The physical should include a testicular and prostate exam. If he has any type of (don't want to scare you) tumor or even a benign growth that could be an issue. 5) No alcohol, no drugs, no legal or other form of weed, no sleeping pills, limit caffeine. These are all things that can effect sex drive/ability in a negative manner.

Second, make sure he gets at least 6 if not 8 hours of sleep. Try to change to a healthier diet. Less fat and junk food. More lean meats and greens. Maybe add a multivitamin. Sounds crazy, but it will all improve energy levels. As will some exercise. Walk, run, bike ride etc. Endorphines increase and so does sexual appetite.

Third, I agree with those who say, Sit his ass in a chair outside of the bedroom and come clean with your feelings, wants, needs, and issues. Don't present any ultimatums that you don't want to back up. Directly ask him about his "change" in sexual desire. I suggest you take a few moments alone and write down all of the issues you want to address. The stress of the moment may make you forget some.

Lastly, only bc it happens so frequently, you may ask him if there is someone else. It may not be something you want to hear, but it may be something you have to discuss.

I hope something changes for the better for you. Only you can decide what is your best option. Good Luck! (the devil on my shoulder is yelling at me to cut him off from all sex and see how long it takes before he initiates......I try to listen to the angel who said the other stuff, but sometimes the devil makes you do it!)

 

[DVS]

OK, has he always been this way, or has something changed? If so, has this change been slow, or is it possible something caused it to happen?

If he's always been this way, you married him. Maybe you didn't know about your submissive nature before this, and that's not your fault. It's how many people realize their new found sexual selves...after they have been in a vanilla marriage for years.

If he's changed, it could be he's found a good thing and you have been the codependent in that. You give him what he wants, and he lets you. I'm not sure that cutting off his sexual benefits is the best approach. That's too brash. But, you should sit him down and talk about your own BASIC desires and needs that HE should be taking care of.

Look at it this way. You have a sexual health to think about and right now, you are sick. He's the doctor and you are the patient. Only he can provide the cure. We all have our needs and taking care of your needs is part of the job he signed up for when he married you. He's getting what he wants. His sexual self seems to be quite healthy.

Your sex life is a necessity to help you cope with stress levels in your day to day life. When things aren't going well, sex helps our subconscious mind counter those stress levels.

The brain is where sex begins. It takes some creativity, and desire fuels that creativity. He could use some of both. Laying there with his hands behind his head, he seems like he expects you to instigate his erection, then he flips you over for doggie. That's your reward. Talk about boring!

Maybe he would be in for some role play? Sharing your desires is key, but he has to really understand, you have desires that he isn't addressing. I know you've already told him what you want and that hasn't seemed to work. He might not understand his role in this.

Sure, you've told him, but men are visual creatures. Maybe you could find a way to get inside his head and pull out his own sexual desires. Give him stories that detail what you want to happen and watch porn that shows graphic scenes of what you want him to do to you. Tell him how much you desire this and how much you desire it from him.

If after all of this, he still doesn't get it, that's when you need to start with ultimatums. Get tough. Tell him until you get what you want, he isn't getting what he wants. It's as simple as that. But, this should be the last resort. It might seem like the best way to go, but I don't think so. I think it's the last thing you should do, after trying everything else. Abruptly cutting off his fun might just turn him away.

You are attempting to change is world...a world he's enjoyed for a while. Sure, you need to do this, but the key is how you do it. I hope it works out for you.

 

[SweetThickLips]

Have you considered that maybe his libido has taken a hit? There could be something going on hormonally if he's not consciously being a selfish jerk here.

I would have thought that this was a possibility, but the man still masterbates at least 4-5 times a week. I find his rags every day when I clean the house. I know he's watching porn (nice for him, not so nice for me) and I'm cool with that, lord knows I do! He just seems to prefer to get himself off, or having me do it for him without reciprocating. It's almost as if I'm just a cum bucket... It pisses me the fuck off.

Sorry for my mouth, I'm just pissed and tired of this.

 

[SweetThickLips]

OK, has he always been this way, or has something changed? If so, has this change been slow, or is it possible something caused it to happen?

If he's always been this way, you married him. Maybe you didn't know about your submissive nature before this, and that's not your fault. It's how many people realize their new found sexual selves...after they have been in a vanilla marriage for years.

If he's changed, it could be he's found a good thing and you have been the codependent in that. You give him what he wants, and he lets you. I'm not sure that cutting off his sexual benefits is the best approach. That's too brash. But, you should sit him down and talk about your own BASIC desires and needs that HE should be taking care of.

Look at it this way. You have a sexual health to think about and right now, you are sick. He's the doctor and you are the patient. Only he can provide the cure. We all have our needs and taking care of your needs is part of the job he signed up for when he married you. He's getting what he wants. His sexual self seems to be quite healthy.

Your sex life is a necessity to help you cope with stress levels in your day to day life. When things aren't going well, sex helps our subconscious mind counter those stress levels.

The brain is where sex begins. It takes some creativity, and desire fuels that creativity. He could use some of both. Laying there with his hands behind his head, he seems like he expects you to instigate his erection, then he flips you over for doggie. That's your reward. Talk about boring!

Maybe he would be in for some role play? Sharing your desires is key, but he has to really understand, you have desires that he isn't addressing. I know you've already told him what you want and that hasn't seemed to work. He might not understand his role in this.

Sure, you've told him, but men are visual creatures. Maybe you could find a way to get inside his head and pull out his own sexual desires. Give him stories that detail what you want to happen and watch porn that shows graphic scenes of what you want him to do to you. Tell him how much you desire this and how much you desire it from him.

If after all of this, he still doesn't get it, that's when you need to start with ultimatums. Get tough. Tell him until you get what you want, he isn't getting what he wants. It's as simple as that. But, this should be the last resort. It might seem like the best way to go, but I don't think so. I think it's the last thing you should do, after trying everything else. Abruptly cutting off his fun might just turn him away.

You are attempting to change is world...a world he's enjoyed for a while. Sure, you need to do this, but the key is how you do it. I hope it works out for you.

It was gradual until 6 months ago and then it was an abrupt stop. He used to satisfy me almost all the time (you can't expect everything to be great all the time), but then he just stopped. As far as a sexual awakening...I've always been kinky but ever since he's been rejecting me, for lack of a better phrase, I've gone into a hyperdrive. I'm craving sex all the time, and it's not soft love making i'm looking for. He's getting what he wants and I'm left hanging unless I being myself to O during sex.

 

[preacher72]

I would have thought that this was a possibility, but the man still masterbates at least 4-5 times a week. I find his rags every day when I clean the house. I know he's watching porn (nice for him, not so nice for me) and I'm cool with that, lord knows I do! He just seems to prefer to get himself off, or having me do it for him without reciprocating. It's almost as if I'm just a cum bucket... It pisses me the fuck off.

Sorry for my mouth, I'm just pissed and tired of this.

I read an article not too long ago about how alot of men are watching more porn and it messes up their sex lives. Its kind of different because you guys were already open and experiencing things that most would only experience in porn. I think alot of suggestions about reading stories might be helpful. I was in a vanilla relationship and once i shared this site and she read a few stories it really opened the floodgates!!

 

[SweetThickLips]

I read an article not too long ago about how alot of men are watching more porn and it messes up their sex lives. Its kind of different because you guys were already open and experiencing things that most would only experience in porn. I think alot of suggestions about reading stories might be helpful. I was in a vanilla relationship and once i shared this site and she read a few stories it really opened the floodgates!!

I'm going to have to find some short stories to show him, maybe everyone is right and it'll spark something.

As I've re-read everyone's comments I'm starting to get a timeline together. Things started to decline after our first kid then after the second it was like a huge wall was put in the way. I've always put our sex life before our kids (as long as they are safe and happy, sex has always been fair game), I'll be the one to put the baby in her pen and lock the bedroom door behind me. Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive anymore since having the kids... And that's just sad and fucked up. He's no rock hardbody anymore either! Lol

 

[preacher72]

I'm going to have to find some short stories to show him, maybe everyone is right and it'll spark something.

As I've re-read everyone's comments I'm starting to get a timeline together. Things started to decline after our first kid then after the second it was like a huge wall was put in the way. I've always put our sex life before our kids (as long as they are safe and happy, sex has always been fair game), I'll be the one to put the baby in her pen and lock the bedroom door behind me. Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive anymore since having the kids... And that's just sad and fucked up. He's no rock hardbody anymore either! Lol

Thats too bad im sure you still look great and can find a way to get him going. Do you know what kind of porn he watches? Maybe that can help you. How about masturbating in front of him? That would get many going!

 

[30bandits]

what's not to like about some sweet thick lips....something wrong there.

 

[Aphro]

He lays there, with his hands behind his head, until he's ready to cum?

What if you lay there with your hands behind your head, then turn to him and ask him "Was it good for you, dear?"

I guess maybe I'm one of those passive-aggressive bitches, but I think I'd just plain stop giving him anything...blow jobs, hand jobs, sex at all.

I'd tell him why, though, explicitly, because unless he's leaving a couple hundred bucks on the nightstand afterwards, he can't just lie back and think of England every night and wait for the magic to happen.

If he's watching porn, and masturbating several times a week, the problem is not that he has no drive, or that he can't get it up.

It seems pretty bizarre to me, too, that he leaves his cum rags all over the house for you to find. WTF? Is that supposed to be some sort of slap in the face to you? I've been married 18 years and I have never found a discarded cum cloth anywhere, unless it was one used for mutual post sex clean up. Not the sort of thing most guys would leave just here and there around the house, especially if you have young kids.

Don't blame you for being pissed, it sounds like there is more going on than just problems with sex. How is your relationship out of the bedroom? Are there other stressors (Money issues, family issues) that are trickling into and affecting your sex life? Sex always seems to be the first thing to go when a couple is pissed at each other for other things, in my experience.

 

[SweetThickLips]

I'm a stay at home mom right now, so money is tight, but we don't fight about it all the time though it can get stressful. I find his cum rags half under the bed most mornings when I go around collecting laundry. It pisses me off because I'm right in the other room, wanting and he ignores me. It's all bullshit and I'm not pissed at myself, I'm mad at him.

 

[SweetThickLips]

How do I add a pic? I want to know if anyone here thinks my pussy isn't fuckable.

 

[30bandits]

How do I add a pic? I want to know if anyone here thinks my pussy isn't fuckable.

someone help the lady please...I don't know....