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Confidence vs Insecurity

sprincess1990 said:
I'm not sure where's best to post this, so if you think it needs moving please let me know!

So, I've read numerous posts where people refer to how sexy confidence is, and I completely get it because it's a quality I look for in a partner too.

The problem is, when those confident people find out I'm a bit emotionally unstable, lack self esteem or self worth, they very quickly lose interest. Again, I get it, I would too!

But it got me thinking, is there a "market" out there for people like me? Are there people who find the concept of being "damaged" attractive, or is there no hope other than that one day I'll feel better and join the confidence club too?
Click to expand...

Yes, there are people who seek out people with low self-worth and lacking self-esteem. They do so not because they find those qualities attractive, but because they are looking for someone to treat like shit.

Do you want to be treated like shit?

You're not damaged. There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. 99.98% of people feel unconfident on a regular basis. The only difference between you and the people you see as "confident" is that they aren't ruminating on their occasional insecurities.

You need to quit obsessing on your perceived lack of whatever and move forward. Go out, do things, have fun. It's okay to feel good about yourself. It's okay to be proud of things you can do, to find things about your appearance attractive. It's okay to like yourself. You don't need to nitpick and tear yourself down, and you should never let anyone else do it either.

Quit trying to be subservient to the world, hoping it will pat you kindly on the head - because all it'll do is kick you in the face. Hard. Repeatedly.

Best advice anyone ever gave me: Fake it till you make it.

You don't need to tell everyone you meet about your insecurities, about what a mess you are. Don't tell them any of that. Don't talk about yourself at all. Literally bite your tongue every time you feel the need to say something self-deprecating. When someone compliments you, say "Thank you" and that's IT. Don't disagree with them.

When you meet people, listen to them, talk about them. Talk about the weather. Let them ask you questions, and answer them. Let them get to know you WITHOUT your editorializing.

I repeat: DO NOT ever tell someone you are "a mess", "damaged goods", "unlovable", etc. etc. When you do that, you scare people. It's not attractive. And it's unnecessary.

Let them make their own opinion of you. You may find that they actually like you. Then they'll react positively towards you. This will give you confidence. Which will make you come off positive, confident, attractive.

Fake it till you make it.

You may just find that there's nothing wrong with you. You may realize that you're pretty fucking awesome. I bet you are.

Forget about your "issues", being "damaged goods", trying to "fix your broken self", etc. No one gets through life without scars and bruises. The difference between who you are now and who you could be is the scab-picking. Quit picking scabs. Let that shit heal.

Focus your energy outwards. Get into music, find hobbies. When you're around people, don't pull into your own head. Look around you. Actually see what people look like, what they're doing, hear what they're saying concentrate on the world around you. Enjoy your coffee/drink/whatever. Smell the flowers. Hell is living in your own head. Happiness is being a part of the world.

Again, you're fine. Trust me. I've been you. You can be one of the confident, happy people.
 
Learnsmith said:
I remember dating a woman some years back - early into our involvement, I asked her what she wanted out of "this." I should have taken it as a warning sign when she told me, "a father figure." Not that submissive tendencies are bad, or that you're wrong for having them. It's just that such tendencies can SOMETIMES presage an external locus of control, a certain emotional immaturity, which causes problems. Again, not saying that's your deal at all; just saying, that's where some of the cultural bias may come from.

Again, agreeing with Pete above - BDSM threads. Here's hoping you find what you need.
Click to expand...

I think most women feel damaged because there really isn't too many undamaged stable women role-models. When I was a little girl I was taught that all I needed to do was be pretty and a handsome prince will gladly be there to take care of me. But I MUST be pretty because that's what really counts. Today little girls are still being taught a similar lesson only instead of pretty they need to be "hot" and give good blow jobs. OK. Maybe not ALL girls are being taught that but from this site alone how many pictures do you see of sweet young women looking like they're having a good ol' time being gang banged by a much of guys. Women are still being given such mixed messages how could they not be damaged?

Also, just because you have low self-esteem does NOT mean you'd be a great Sub. In fact, engaging in that kind of behavior may push you over the edge.

My advice to the OP: Listen to Eckart Tolle and take Yoga. In three weeks you'll feel better.
 
Laurel said:
Yes, there are people who seek out people with low self-worth and lacking self-esteem. They do so not because they find those qualities attractive, but because they are looking for someone to treat like shit.

Do you want to be treated like shit?

You're not damaged. There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. 99.98% of people feel unconfident on a regular basis. The only difference between you and the people you see as "confident" is that they aren't ruminating on their occasional insecurities.

You need to quit obsessing on your perceived lack of whatever and move forward. Go out, do things, have fun. It's okay to feel good about yourself. It's okay to be proud of things you can do, to find things about your appearance attractive. It's okay to like yourself. You don't need to nitpick and tear yourself down, and you should never let anyone else do it either.

Quit trying to be subservient to the world, hoping it will pat you kindly on the head - because all it'll do is kick you in the face. Hard. Repeatedly.

Best advice anyone ever gave me: Fake it till you make it.

You don't need to tell everyone you meet about your insecurities, about what a mess you are. Don't tell them any of that. Don't talk about yourself at all. Literally bite your tongue every time you feel the need to say something self-deprecating. When someone compliments you, say "Thank you" and that's IT. Don't disagree with them.

When you meet people, listen to them, talk about them. Talk about the weather. Let them ask you questions, and answer them. Let them get to know you WITHOUT your editorializing.

I repeat: DO NOT ever tell someone you are "a mess", "damaged goods", "unlovable", etc. etc. When you do that, you scare people. It's not attractive. And it's unnecessary.

Let them make their own opinion of you. You may find that they actually like you. Then they'll react positively towards you. This will give you confidence. Which will make you come off positive, confident, attractive.

Fake it till you make it.

You may just find that there's nothing wrong with you. You may realize that you're pretty fucking awesome. I bet you are.

Forget about your "issues", being "damaged goods", trying to "fix your broken self", etc. No one gets through life without scars and bruises. The difference between who you are now and who you could be is the scab-picking. Quit picking scabs. Let that shit heal.

Focus your energy outwards. Get into music, find hobbies. When you're around people, don't pull into your own head. Look around you. Actually see what people look like, what they're doing, hear what they're saying concentrate on the world around you. Enjoy your coffee/drink/whatever. Smell the flowers. Hell is living in your own head. Happiness is being a part of the world.

Again, you're fine. Trust me. I've been you. You can be one of the confident, happy people.
Click to expand...

I like you Laurel :rose:
 
Laurel said:
Yes, there are people who seek out people with low self-worth and lacking self-esteem. They do so not because they find those qualities attractive, but because they are looking for someone to treat like shit.

Do you want to be treated like shit?

You're not damaged. There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine. 99.98% of people feel unconfident on a regular basis. The only difference between you and the people you see as "confident" is that they aren't ruminating on their occasional insecurities.

You need to quit obsessing on your perceived lack of whatever and move forward. Go out, do things, have fun. It's okay to feel good about yourself. It's okay to be proud of things you can do, to find things about your appearance attractive. It's okay to like yourself. You don't need to nitpick and tear yourself down, and you should never let anyone else do it either.

Quit trying to be subservient to the world, hoping it will pat you kindly on the head - because all it'll do is kick you in the face. Hard. Repeatedly.

Best advice anyone ever gave me: Fake it till you make it.

You don't need to tell everyone you meet about your insecurities, about what a mess you are. Don't tell them any of that. Don't talk about yourself at all. Literally bite your tongue every time you feel the need to say something self-deprecating. When someone compliments you, say "Thank you" and that's IT. Don't disagree with them.

When you meet people, listen to them, talk about them. Talk about the weather. Let them ask you questions, and answer them. Let them get to know you WITHOUT your editorializing.

I repeat: DO NOT ever tell someone you are "a mess", "damaged goods", "unlovable", etc. etc. When you do that, you scare people. It's not attractive. And it's unnecessary.

Let them make their own opinion of you. You may find that they actually like you. Then they'll react positively towards you. This will give you confidence. Which will make you come off positive, confident, attractive.

Fake it till you make it.

You may just find that there's nothing wrong with you. You may realize that you're pretty fucking awesome. I bet you are.

Forget about your "issues", being "damaged goods", trying to "fix your broken self", etc. No one gets through life without scars and bruises. The difference between who you are now and who you could be is the scab-picking. Quit picking scabs. Let that shit heal.

Focus your energy outwards. Get into music, find hobbies. When you're around people, don't pull into your own head. Look around you. Actually see what people look like, what they're doing, hear what they're saying concentrate on the world around you. Enjoy your coffee/drink/whatever. Smell the flowers. Hell is living in your own head. Happiness is being a part of the world.

Again, you're fine. Trust me. I've been you. You can be one of the confident, happy people.
Click to expand...


On point.

You are what you think you are.
 
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