More proof there are too many lawyers

[miles]

Sue Jimmy John's, get a free pickle.

So I am leisurely reading my Sunday newspaper, and there it is: an official-looking "Notice of proposed class action settlement."

As a lawyer, I am curious, so I read further and learn that the case targets anyone who "purchased a sandwich at Jimmy John's containing alfalfa sprouts" between Feb. 1, 2012, and July 21, 2014.


If you did, you will be happy to learn that lawyers fighting for justice filed suit on your behalf alleging that Jimmy John's listed some sandwiches as containing "alfalfa sprouts but which in fact did not contain alfalfa sprouts."

The inhumanity!

To be clear, the newspaper I read this in was the Chicago Tribune, not The Onion. It is serious stuff.

Though Jimmy John's denies the stark allegation of sprout-less sandwiches, it apparently sensed a shakedown, so instead of litigating for years, it agreed to settle. And here's where it gets even better if you have a sense of humor. Or, worse, if you have a conscience.

What do we, Jimmy John's sprout-victim sandwich eaters, get for being so wrongly and intentionally harmed? We get a free pickle. Really. A pickle.


Specifically, if you go online and fill out some forms, you get a voucher "with a face value of $1.40 good for any side item (pickle, potato chips or cookie) or soda."

But somebody else gets something too.

The "victim" who filed the suit on behalf of us sprout-deprived sandwich eaters — Heather Starks — gets $5,000 for her troubles, while her lawyers who filed the case get . . . $370,000.

And the lawyers don't get paid in pickles.

What do we, Jimmy John's sprout-victim sandwich eaters, get for being so wrongly and intentionally harmed? We get a free pickle.

When I went online to read more, I learned that the parties hashed out the settlement using an "experienced mediator." Further, they "continued to negotiate the terms of the settlement for several months following the mediation."

Can you imagine those high-brow discussions:

Plaintiffs' lawyers: "We demand cole slaw."

Jimmy John's: "No, we draw the line with a side of garbanzo beans."

Plaintiff's lawyers: "How about soup for our victims?"

Jimmy John's: "Our final offer is . . . a pickle."

Plaintiff's lawyers: "OK, we'll take it . . . and $370,000 for our legal fees."

This took "several months."

Everyone knows that the only beneficiaries of a class action suit are the lawyers.

And to think some wonder why there are so many lawyer jokes.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/...on-settlement-perspec-100-20140930-story.html

 

[4est_4est_Gump]

I had one Jimmy John's sandwich...




ONE!!!

 

[MrRandyWatson]

The problem isn't that there are too many lawyers. The problem is that things like this are handled in an absurd fashion. A fucking pickle? Why can't we just slap companies on the wrist for bullshit like this? If it's one alfalfa-less sandwich, fine. If it repeatedly happens, fine the company. But lining people's pockets in the process is...well, I guess the American way.

 

[imalickin]

I've never had a Jimmy John's sandwich and I believe I'm better off today.

 

[Wat_Tyler]

What about the woman meeting the man from a dating site who claimed to be 6' but was actually a bit over 5'-9", maybe?


Assuming she brought a tape measure, of course.


Imagine if she also measured the Trouser Mouse . . . .


*squeak*

 

[unregistered]

 

[Balladeer08]

Judges should just throw self serving frivolous suits out of court.

Judges are LAWYERS. Don't hold your breath.

 

[Nastassia4Hire]

Too many lawyers indeed.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Judges should just throw self serving frivolous suits out of court.

And throw the lawyers or other persons who bring them into jail for contempt of court.

 

[doowdniw]

I have rarely seen any suit filed that was not self-serving. Perhaps those filed by an ad litem, trustee, or other personal representative, but that would be about it.

It does sound like the lawyers stretched out the settlement process in order to pad their own fees.

Based on treble damages for deceptive trade practices, the value of the pickle at $1.40 probably more than compensates for a few missing alfalfa sprouts. I think both the class action plaintiff and the attorneys are being considerably overcompensated.

 

[GiaCat]

What do you call a lawyer at the bottom of the ocean?


...a good start

 

[toubab]

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."

Doesn't sound like a bad idea, but it was Dick the Butcher saying it.