Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[elli1]

Ah but you are ahead of the game.
I did not have the knowledge of myself that you already possess.
Please do not be in so much of a hurry that you settle for the wrong Dom.
Even in vanilla relationships I think it is detrimental to settle for Mr. Right Now.
KIB was well worth the wait and then some.

i won't, one bad experience is more than enough for me

 

[All_4_Love]

The realization of his pain that I had caused has made me much more mindful and aware of my behavior.

Hello, beautiful lady.

Yes, that is the beauty of it, albeit painful at times. It always goes back to him, yes?

I saw the motherfucking princess comment, too, by the way, lol!

 

[sereneone4u]

Hello, beautiful lady.

Yes, that is the beauty of it, albeit painful at times. It always goes back to him, yes?

I saw the motherfucking princess comment, too, by the way, lol!

Hello

Yes, to him always.

Very few things have hurt me worse than that moment when I realized the punishment hurt him too.

Painful lesson, that one.

 

[lexieredefined]

i won't, one bad experience is more than enough for me

Don't let one bad Dom ruin things for you.

 

[elli1]

Don't let one bad Dom ruin things for you.

easier said than done

 

[lexieredefined]

easier said than done

I know. But if I can come from a vanilla relationship full of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse to become the willing submissive that I am today, you can overcome a bad Dom. It just takes patience, time, and finding someone who is willing to work with you and not against you.

 

[elli1]

I know. But if I can come from a vanilla relationship full of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse to become the willing submissive that I am today, you can overcome a bad Dom. It just takes patience, time, and finding someone who is willing to work with you and not against you.

*hugs*
and thanks

 

[lexieredefined]

*hugs*
and thanks

Anytime.

(And if you ever want to talk, I'm around.)

 

[elli1]

Anytime.

(And if you ever want to talk, I'm around.)

thank you

 

[All_4_Love]

Hello

Yes, to him always.

Very few things have hurt me worse than that moment when I realized the punishment hurt him too.

Painful lesson, that one.

Yes, that is why I hope for a relationship with a loving sadist, as I believe I am a masochist, but I have always wondered how to separate the two, my desire for pleasure mixed with pain but my fear of punishment. That is how; because one is emotional and the other is physical, I imagine.

I don't really understand it. That is where my hold starts to break down and I become extremely vulnerable. I don't delve into the psychological aspects that deep. It's a scary place for me.

I echo everyone else here, as well, Elli! I am sending lots of hope and love for you out into the universe. You are young, I'm assuming. That is truly a blessing. You will find your one.

 

[elli1]

I echo everyone else here, as well, Elli! I am sending lots of hope and love for you out into the universe. You are young, I'm assuming. That is truly a blessing. You will find your one.

thanks!

 

[lexieredefined]

So this just came across my Tumblr dashboard and I thought I'd share:

(I came across a ‘writing’ on Fet from a man named Master James from Australia. As a submissive, I think he got it right on & asked him if I could use a few of his writings for “advice posts”. He graciously agreed. If you’re on fet, check them out.-more to come.)

A lot of people seem to want authority; they crave the power, the position of control, to be able to exert their will…. But most don’t know how to handle it. Like most people when given unbridled power, they become cruel, harsh, unkind, cold, and distant.

But this isn’t what a Dominant should be. A Dom should be a father, an older brother, a guide, a protector, a teacher. A Dom should ALWAYS have the best interest of the Submissive at heart.

Being a Dom isn’t about canning, whipping, flogging, or ordering people around. They are the requirements of a Sadist and an egomaniac.

Sadism and Masochism are regularly confused with Dominance and Submission. Let me make this clear; they are separate predispositions that may or may not coincide with Dominant and Submissive orientation.

Being a Dominant is about taking responsibility. About stepping up to the plate and saying; “My shoulders are big enough to bear the weight, to accept the responsibility that comes with taking control.”

A Dominant is a leader, a doer not a talker; someone who is willing and ready to provide another person with what they need.

A Dominant needs to know and accept that many Submissives will appear in a manner that the Dom might perceive to be needy. If the Dom isn’t happy to accept the emotional needs of the Submissive, then the Dom isn’t ready to take ownership of a Submissive.

A selfish person can never truly be a Dom. They are a child in an adult’s body. A cruel Dom is nothing more than a kid with a magnifying glass burning ants and playing God.

Does this mean that Sadists are bad? No it doesn’t. A sadist is the perfect counterbalance to a masochist. Since many Subs are also masochists, then a sadist Dom will fit perfectly. But when the sadistic Dom inflicts pain upon the masochistic Sub, the primary motivation should be giving the Sub what he/she needs; the pleasure that the Dom gets out of the act must remain secondary.
This rule holds true for all fun D/S activities, whether it be; humiliation, degradation, or sexual acts/intercourse.

The reason that a Dom will control the orgasms of a Sub is because the Sub yearns to be controlled. Not because the Dom selfishly doesn’t want to see the Sub pleasured. The Submissive needs to feel that a reward has been earned.
Submissives will rebel, fight back, be disobedient, bratty, insubordinate, and just like a child they will generally test the limits of the Dominant. This is where the good Dominant shines, he/she won’t feel threatened, and they won’t loose control, or become emotional. This is an opportunity where a Dominant can display why they are in charge, and why the Submissive can trust them with control of their lives.

Correction, discipline, and punishment should be structured, fair, controlled, un-emotive, and relevant. It will reinforce the rules, the need for the rules, and the positions of Dom and Sub. It will give the Submissive what all Subs crave; a feeling of safety within the confines a caring D/S relationship with clear boundaries and rules. Afterwards the Sub should feel a positive sense of purpose and direction, knowing that the Dominant is striving to achieve the absolute best for the Sub.

The D/S relationship needs to maintain balance. For every slap of the hand, swing of the flogger, or stroke of the cane, it needs to be equally counter balanced with a kiss, a hug, a stoke of the hair, and a whisper of a kind word.

A good Dom genuinely wants to see the submissive, grow, and improve as both a person and as a Sub. As such the Dom won’t just use the power granted him/her by the D/S relationship for sexual gains or amusement; they will endeavour to institute rules and instructions that will break bad habits, provide the Sub direction, focus and drive, and generally enrich the life of the Sub.

Not a guide on the one true way: Just some thoughts…….

Master James

The link

 

[sereneone4u]

So this just came across my Tumblr dashboard and I thought I'd share:

(I came across a ‘writing’ on Fet from a man named Master James from Australia. As a submissive, I think he got it right on & asked him if I could use a few of his writings for “advice posts”. He graciously agreed. If you’re on fet, check them out.-more to come.)

A lot of people seem to want authority; they crave the power, the position of control, to be able to exert their will…. But most don’t know how to handle it. Like most people when given unbridled power, they become cruel, harsh, unkind, cold, and distant.

But this isn’t what a Dominant should be. A Dom should be a father, an older brother, a guide, a protector, a teacher. A Dom should ALWAYS have the best interest of the Submissive at heart.

Being a Dom isn’t about canning, whipping, flogging, or ordering people around. They are the requirements of a Sadist and an egomaniac.

Sadism and Masochism are regularly confused with Dominance and Submission. Let me make this clear; they are separate predispositions that may or may not coincide with Dominant and Submissive orientation.

Being a Dominant is about taking responsibility. About stepping up to the plate and saying; “My shoulders are big enough to bear the weight, to accept the responsibility that comes with taking control.”

A Dominant is a leader, a doer not a talker; someone who is willing and ready to provide another person with what they need.

A Dominant needs to know and accept that many Submissives will appear in a manner that the Dom might perceive to be needy. If the Dom isn’t happy to accept the emotional needs of the Submissive, then the Dom isn’t ready to take ownership of a Submissive.

A selfish person can never truly be a Dom. They are a child in an adult’s body. A cruel Dom is nothing more than a kid with a magnifying glass burning ants and playing God.

Does this mean that Sadists are bad? No it doesn’t. A sadist is the perfect counterbalance to a masochist. Since many Subs are also masochists, then a sadist Dom will fit perfectly. But when the sadistic Dom inflicts pain upon the masochistic Sub, the primary motivation should be giving the Sub what he/she needs; the pleasure that the Dom gets out of the act must remain secondary.
This rule holds true for all fun D/S activities, whether it be; humiliation, degradation, or sexual acts/intercourse.

The reason that a Dom will control the orgasms of a Sub is because the Sub yearns to be controlled. Not because the Dom selfishly doesn’t want to see the Sub pleasured. The Submissive needs to feel that a reward has been earned.
Submissives will rebel, fight back, be disobedient, bratty, insubordinate, and just like a child they will generally test the limits of the Dominant. This is where the good Dominant shines, he/she won’t feel threatened, and they won’t loose control, or become emotional. This is an opportunity where a Dominant can display why they are in charge, and why the Submissive can trust them with control of their lives.

Correction, discipline, and punishment should be structured, fair, controlled, un-emotive, and relevant. It will reinforce the rules, the need for the rules, and the positions of Dom and Sub. It will give the Submissive what all Subs crave; a feeling of safety within the confines a caring D/S relationship with clear boundaries and rules. Afterwards the Sub should feel a positive sense of purpose and direction, knowing that the Dominant is striving to achieve the absolute best for the Sub.

The D/S relationship needs to maintain balance. For every slap of the hand, swing of the flogger, or stroke of the cane, it needs to be equally counter balanced with a kiss, a hug, a stoke of the hair, and a whisper of a kind word.

A good Dom genuinely wants to see the submissive, grow, and improve as both a person and as a Sub. As such the Dom won’t just use the power granted him/her by the D/S relationship for sexual gains or amusement; they will endeavour to institute rules and instructions that will break bad habits, provide the Sub direction, focus and drive, and generally enrich the life of the Sub.

Not a guide on the one true way: Just some thoughts…….

Master James

The link

That is the type of Dominant that my Sir is and it works perfectly for the two of us.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I've loved reading through this thread. Coming to Lit has helped me understand my thoughts and wants so much. I was so confused about how I felt, what I wanted, needed. I never seen myself as a "true sub" I felt I didn't fit in (yes I read too much crap) I am very strong willed and I can't stand not being in control of my life. But...something draws me to the relationship between a Dominant and submissive. I think with the right person it's a beautiful thing. Knowing you are treasured and loved and you know you can trust that person to give them control. To me that takes trust and I know I could never give myself like that to just anyone.

Two people who each have needs that compliment eachothers.

Very well-stated, Fakey..

 

[Callmetim]

Apologies all around for being late to a D/s discussion party. Those who know me know I enjoy such delicious dominance discussions.

I do not appreciate the Dom that is RL ... I would safe word out if possible.

As Des has asked for, here's my two one-hundredths of a dollar.

I like to say that good girls get spanked, bad girls get disciplined.

MOST submissives, clearly not all, enjoy a good firm hand swiftly crashing into their posterior. MOST Dominants, clearly not all, enjoy providing that hand and often. It goes back to the reality of the dynamic that works for that uniquely paired couple. A spanking to one couple, engaged in D/s, is fun and could even be a reward. A spanking to another couple, engaged in D/s, could be discipline.

It is important to note the word discipline and punish are drastically different. Discipline is to correct an unwanted behavior, what a Dominant would do if a clearly and openly stated rule is broken. Punishment is "harsh or injurious treatment; severe; brutal" so we must separate these two.

Discipline can only be provided if rules are clear and the submissive understands they broke a rule. Doling out discipline when the sub feels they have done nothing wrong or has no clue as to what they did wrong is counterproductive for both parties, the confusion part of the submissive and the unclear rules set by the Dominant. This goes right back to one of my four pillars (maybe they should be bondage posts or written on a St. Andrew's Cross ... delightful derail, sorry) of control in a relationship, that being communication.

Punishment, to me, is inflicting intentional, deliberately harsh treatment for any reason, discipline or otherwise. This ties into the more extreme forms of sadist/masochist ideologies. Examples in my opinion could be forcing a sub to cry, hurting them emotionally, cruelty, demeaning them, etc. The thing one must remember is ... these might just be normal dynamics in a relationship. They are more the extreme, but some people want and enjoy to be broken to the point of tears or made to bleed or treated like a dog and demeaned.

In a nutshell:
One sub's pleasure is another sub's pain and vice versa.
One Dom's discipline is another Dom's punishment and vice versa.
The difference? Communication of who each person is and how their unique D/s dynamic is to be explored.

With all that being said, on to the posts! *cracks the riding crop ... it's in my profile*

What happens to that relationship when your sub is just plain naughty and disobedient. I get there would be just consequences, but is that a turn off, the disobedience, or a turn on, the sexual punishment?

Maybe she is not a sub after all, to test those boundaries. How does that work?

S/he may be doing it to provoke a reaction. If s/he does this continuously and deliberately s/he may identify as a brat, which is a kink which appeals to some and which has been discussed elsewhere.

We have to discuss naughty and discipline. Being naughty, if breaking a clearly communicated rule, merits discipline. A submissive may break a rule intentionally to receive the discipline because they like it and, exactly as Des mentions, be a brat, a whole other topic. Being naughty such as incessant teasing without breaking a rule is, again, provoking a reaction. I might ask the question as to whom is exactly controlling whom in this situation? The submissive is trying to control through passive-aggressive actions, not really the trait of one calling themselves a submissive.

What cuts to the heart of the matter is if a clearly communicated rule is intentionally, repeatedly broken OR was it unintentional and a one time offense. Des's response was spot on.

So, the punishment. It's uncomfortable. According to whom? Like really this hurts and not in a pleasure pain kind of way or how does that work?

Going back to my definitions, I do not punish, I discipline. I seek to correct unwanted behaviors. This works on multiple levels. I might want to help correct a submissive's negative self-image and have a rule that they are not allowed to speak negatively about themselves. If there was a rule that they could not cum without my permission and they masturbate only to tell me after the fact, I might discipline that behavior as well. It can be sexual or non-sexual, my goal is to build up a sub and not demean them or run them down which, to me, is borderline abuse.

punishment should be something the sub really doesn't enjoy and/or or that will make them think about what they did wrong. but nothing that is a hard limit.

elli is correct, the disciplinary action should be something the submissive does not like, but it should not break them either. One might be a LACK of spanking or holding off on spanking until a behavior is corrected, again, assuming the submissive enjoys spanking. On the flip side, spanking might not be welcomed by the submissive and would serve as the disciplinary measure. Consent was already established, given to the Dominant, each side trusting the other to build a stronger whole, discipline is a part of the control dynamic to remove such unwanted behaviors.

Doesn't enjoy, as in uncomfortable enough to make them cry?

Discipline for a clearly communicated rule (have I said that enough?) broken, in my opinion, would not make a submissive cry or leave deep emotional scars. Keeping an open mind, one couple's kink is another's extreme, punishing discipline that leads to crying might be part of their own dynamic.

I offer my views and thoughts, which does not make them right or truth. IMDO (In my Dominant opinion), discipline that exacts enough emotional breakdown that the submissive cries ... not cool. I'm not here to tear you down, I'm there to build you up into something you never thought you could be.

But I see it as my role, among others, to teach. We do not do a child any favours, as a parent, if a punishment is too weak, because it will offer no disincentive. The same rule applies to D/s, in my view. A good sub will want to learn and grow.

That being said, serious does not have to equal physical. My preferred punishments, and in my experience the most effective, are psychological - lack of interaction, emotional withdrawal - all are utterly devastating in the right context, and in fact have to be managed carefully so as not to cause longer term psychological damage.

Bingo. Spare not the physical or emotional rod, but don't be a fucking dick about it either.

I think we tend to be confused about discipline.
It isn't a physical assault as much as it is a process.
When you have a goal and you let yourself down, the disappointment can often be it's own punishment because you recognize that you have not met your own goal.

Sometimes the most effective form of discipline is a submissive's self-realization that they clearly broke a rule.

Please do not be in so much of a hurry that you settle for the wrong Dom. Even in vanilla relationships I think it is detrimental to settle for Mr. Right Now. KIB was well worth the wait and then some.

Don't let one bad Dom ruin things for you.

Thank you ladies for chiming in on this one. I truly believe this goes back to the communication step in building a healthy control dynamic in a relationship. EVERYone is different. EVERYone has different kinks. EVERYone has different degrees of comfort within those kinks. Your snowflake and my snowflake are going to look different and all those differences must be outlines BEFORE entering into the control aspect of a relationship. I have educational resources available (I sound like I'm selling something) via PM if you are interested in them. Both parties should be walking in eyes wide open, minds equally open, and should be the beginning of the discussion between two consenting adults BEFORE any control is brought into the relationship.

The worst thing two people can do who are about to dive into the world of control:

SO1: "Hey, I like being spanked."
SO2: "Really? I like spanking!"
SO1: "Wanna dominate me?"
D: "Sure!"
s: "Great!"

*facepalm*

What are the other likes? What are the dislikes? What are the hard limits? Are there any rules? What are your fantasies? Do you just want to submit and let the Dominant fill in the blanks, which is perfectly acceptable?

Communication to build trust, trust will merit consent, consent to allow exploration within the guidelines of what was communicated. It is then a moving target; limits can be pushed, but it requires communication.

Lexie's Tumblr find was great, I agreed with most of what was talked about, which the author clearly states was not meant as truth but as their beliefs: The link

My biggest take away on submissives finding the right Dom:

A selfish person can never truly be a Dom.

This is the domin-ain't. All submissives ... beware of them. They may also appear to care in the beginning and seem like the greatest thing since your Hitachi Magic Wand. Then they push a hard limit without discussion. Then you safe word out only to do so again for the same reason a day later. Then you begin to question and lose trust. Without immediate action, you will not fail your domin-ain't but they will fail you because their control no longer allows you to be free in bondage, it will just be discomforting, unappealing and spiral downward quickly. You gave consent to be cared for and nurtured along with being a fuck toy. If you're not being cared for, nurtured and are now questioning how much you trust them, the domin-ain't is not holding up their end of the bargain and that is a deal breaker. There is a difference between a submissive and a doormat. Speak up.

 

[elli1]

*two thumbs up for tim*

 

[DesEsseintes]

Ah, Tim - I'm feeling the love right now! It's interesting that we agree on so much since I have been given to understand on the BDSM forum, in more than one instance, that my take on things is absurd, old-fashioned or even dangerous. Heartening to get the support of a clearly experienced Dom.

(I've been told sometimes my tone isn't clear. Just for clarity, I'm being 100% sincere. All4Love knows the threads I'm talking about...)

 

[elli1]

Ah, Tim - I'm feeling the love right now! It's interesting that we agree on so much since I have been given to understand on the BDSM forum, in more than one instance, that my take on things is absurd, old-fashioned or even dangerous. Heartening to get the support of a clearly experienced Dom.

(I've been told sometimes my tone isn't clear. Just for clarity, I'm being 100% sincere. All4Love knows the threads I'm talking about...)

i don't like posting on the BDSM board, i find the people there.... not very helpful or supportive. more like hostile. or maybe it's just me

 

[DesEsseintes]

i don't like posting on the BDSM board, i find the people there.... not very helpful or supportive. more like hostile. or maybe it's just me

No, Elli, it really isn't just you. And, without being arrogant, I have been lucky enough over the last ten years to work and discuss with some truly knowledgeable people, - guest speakers at BDSM conventions, multiply successful authors, etc. I have some idea of when someone knows what they are talking about, and when they have a misplaced sense of superiority based on little more than peer support and a longer Lit history.

 

[Aquagal]

Thank you, Tim. Your detailed response is appreciated. You bring up sadist/masochist, is that a whole nother realm, or layer, that's not necessarily included?

 

[All_4_Love]

Thank you, Tim. Your detailed response is appreciated. You bring up sadist/masochist, is that a whole nother realm, or layer, that's not necessarily included?

No, it's not necessarily included. Sadism/masochism are often part of these types of relationships, but a lot of times not, as well. There are also varying degrees of each. Interestingly, there are also sadists and masochists that are not Doms and/or subs.

This all seems so very convoluted, these discussions and threads, regarding something that, to me, has always felt so simple. I do greatly enjoy the topic and reading and learning about it, nonetheless, especially reading from a Dominant's viewpoint.

Thank you Tim and Des. I am truly grateful for being able to glean from your knowledge, but more importantly, I truly just enjoy the glimpse into your beautiful minds.

 

[sereneone4u]

No, it's not necessarily included. Sadism/masochism are often part of these types of relationships, but a lot of times not, as well. There are also varying degrees of each. Interestingly, there are also sadists and masochists that are not Doms and/or subs.

This all seems so very convoluted, these discussions and threads, regarding something that, to me, has always felt so simple. I do greatly enjoy the topic and reading and learning about it, nonetheless, especially reading from a Dominant's viewpoint.

Thank you Tim and Des. I am truly grateful for being able to glean from your knowledge, but more importantly, I truly just enjoy the glimpse into your beautiful minds.

Thank you for this response. KIB and I are not into sadism and masochism. It is about control for us, exquisite control. *grins while shivering* He would be what I think is called a pleasure Dom. *another grin, shivering harder* Now that I think about it, it is so pleasurable it is at times painful...hmmm.

Each D/s relationship is different just like vanilla and I what constitutes a healthy relationship in both spheres are the same.

I hope KIB can find time to chime in even with his busy schedule. I think he would give good insight too.

Thanks Des and Tim for sharing your insight.

 

[may_I_please]

Thank you for this response. KIB and I are not into sadism and masochism. It is about control for us, exquisite control. *grins while shivering* He would be what I think is called a pleasure Dom. *another grin, shivering harder* Now that I think about it, it is so pleasurable it is at times painful...hmmm.

Each D/s relationship is different just like vanilla and I what constitutes a healthy relationship in both spheres are the same.

I hope KIB can find time to chime in even with his busy schedule. I think he would give good insight too.

Thanks Des and Tim for sharing your insight.

I wish you two came around more

 

[Arianthe]

Apologies all around for being late to a D/s discussion party. Those who know me know I enjoy such delicious dominance discussions.

I do not appreciate the Dom that is RL ... I would safe word out if possible.

As Des has asked for, here's my two one-hundredths of a dollar.... /snip

You don't happen to have a twin brother living in Australia, do you? The man I'm looking for sounds an awful lot like you.

 

[All_4_Love]

You don't happen to have a twin brother living in Australia, do you? The man I'm looking for sounds an awful lot like you.

I think the man a lot of women are looking for sounds a lot like him.