JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[Mrtenant]

A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johhny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny’s whore."

lmao...

 

[Mrtenant]

Just saw a coyote next to the highway.





I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

 

[jacktar48]

"The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights.

I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights." -Stephen Colbert

 

[Dream59]

These are great. Jactar you are still in first place. If Kat had said a USED tampon it would have scored higher.

 

[jacktar48]

These are great. Jactar you are still in first place. If Kat had said a USED tampon it would have scored higher.

I guess I just assumed that it was.

http://farleftside.com/2013/11-11-13-veggie-cannibals.gif

 

[jacktar48]

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/r/L/3/protest-no-pubic-option2.jpg

So I'm really interested in that there "pubic option." I mean, it has to be something really good, right? That's why they don't want us to have it.

 

[Dream59]

http://0.tqn.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/r/L/3/protest-no-pubic-option2.jpg

So I'm really interested in that there "pubic option." I mean, it has to be something really good, right? That's why they don't want us to have it.

It just goes to show you that if you want your view to be taken seriously, and not look like a complete dumbass, proofread your protest signs.

 

[jacktar48]

It just goes to show you that if you want your view to be taken seriously, and not look like a complete dumbass, proofread your protest signs.

You think the misprint was unintentional?

Oh.

That's very different then.

 

[jacktar48]

Informed sources have revealed that the first Native-owned, Native-operated fast food franchise has opened its door for business on the Lakota reservation.

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQnmEDHsjwx0uPrUqO6Kmo3pyPuVUpkK0knZ5cxPA-AN_Qh-Ygq2g

 

[Dream59]

Informed sources have revealed that the first Native-owned, Native-operated fast food franchise has opened its door for business on the Lakota reservation.

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQnmEDHsjwx0uPrUqO6Kmo3pyPuVUpkK0knZ5cxPA-AN_Qh-Ygq2g

LOL that's cold.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Informed sources have revealed that the first Native-owned, Native-operated fast food franchise has opened its door for business on the Lakota reservation.

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQnmEDHsjwx0uPrUqO6Kmo3pyPuVUpkK0knZ5cxPA-AN_Qh-Ygq2g

Too damn funny!

 

[jacktar48]

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

 

[jacktar48]

A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms.

‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’

‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’

 

[Kat73]

LOL that's cold.

If it wasn't, would it be a hot dog?

 

[Kat73]

Now for some grosser than gross jokes(totally junior high!!)

What's grosser than gross?
10 dead babies in a trashcan.

What's grosser than that?
One live baby trying to eat his way out.

Grosser than that?
When he goes back for seconds.

What's grosser than finding a fingernail in your chocolate mousse?
Finding a string in your tomato soup.

 

[Leigh81]

Don't take life too seriously, it's not like your going to get out alive.

L

 

[jacktar48]

John and Melissa were in their private plane trying to land in LA when the fog came in, thick as pea soup, and then all their electronics failed. Bad shit.

So they're cautiously circling around trying to find the airport, or even a clear stretch of highway, and suddenly a tall building looms up out of the fog, so close they can see a guy on the top floor standing in an open window.

Melissa opens her window and yells, "Where are we?"

The guy replies, "You're in an airplane."

"OK," Melissa tells John. "I know where we are. Head due east 3.5 miles and we'll be at the municipal airport."

Sure enough, there it is. They land safely and as they walk to the terminal, John says, "How did you know? All the guy said was, 'You're in an airplane.'"

"Well, his answer was technically correct, 100% accurate, and totally useless. So obviously the building was Microsoft Headquarters, and I knew that it was exactly 3.5 miles west of the airport."

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

One I heard awhile ago...

The gay couple were playing hide and go seek. One guy says the other "Okay it's your turn to hide. And remember the rule: if I find you I get to fuck you in the ass." The other guy says "Okay. I'll be behind the couch."

 

[Dream59]

Thanks for the laughs folks. You brighten peoples day.

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

How do you seat four gay guys at a crowded bar?


Turn the last stool over.

 

[Dogma52]

A business owner was trying to tabulate a billing receipt but realized his math wasn't up to snuff.

He asked his attractive secretary; "If I gave you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

Her reply...... "Everything but my earrings!"

 

[Dream59]

How do you seat four gay guys at a crowded bar?


Turn the last stool over.

LOL this is a good one.

 

[Kat73]

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks over and says, "wow! That's beautiful! Where did you get it?" The parrot replies "Africa".


A dog with a cast on hobbles into a bar, pulls up a stool and glances around and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the guy who whot my paw."

 

[sxydiva]

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!

 

[annabel_lee]

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! It was sweet!

This one made me cringe!