I need help!!

[newbdsmlover]

So I've been introduced to the idea of dom / sub through the internet, and especially stories through literotica. This idea fascinates me and my boyfriend agrees but it's always off and on. One week he's the master and the next he's not and then he tries to go back to being the master thinking we could just pick up where we left off.

Even when he does it, he's not fully committed and he seems to be holding back. So, he has anger issues and when he's mad or upset with me that's when the guy I like comes out of him but that rarely happens.

What can i do to make him extremely mad where he FULLY commits to being the master, doesn't hold back, and stays the master without being on and off. Or, do you have any other ideas besides making him mad that you think will get him to do this?

He always says he loves being the master so that's not the problem.

 

[Primalex]

So I've been introduced to the idea of dom / sub through the internet, and especially stories through literotica. This idea fascinates me and my boyfriend agrees but it's always off and on. One week he's the master and the next he's not and then he tries to go back to being the master thinking we could just pick up where we left off.

How does it look like when he is the master and how does it look like when he is not? Or worded in another way, how do you know which week is?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Waiting until he is in a space where he can control himself and protect both of you from actual harm seems smart to me. The I have never done this before but I like it and don't need safe words primal scream is a hot thought for many. It is also precisely where fiction bumps up against real bad things like profound or permanent injury. Experience and understanding breeds safer practice. Please have fun, but always stay safe.

That said, assuming it is very clear to both of you what your skills, needs and wants are, waiting can be an act of submission in itself. The torment of wanting something he has control over giving or denying could be something he is enjoying. Ask him.

If you need to somehow feel your submissiveness more 24/7, discuss it with him and find the places of effort that are uniquely submissive to you and your relationship with him. Only the two of you will really know what that is, and figuring that out seems to be a big part of the fun.

Best of luck to you.

 

[newbdsmlover]

How does it look like when he is the master and how does it look like when he is not? Or worded in another way, how do you know which week is?

When I first introduced it into the relationship, it was great. But, it only lasted about a week until he was back to his normal self. And then randomly all of a sudden a little while later, he starts being controlling again giving me spankings and everything. Then, he stops and returns to his normal self for a while. Then, yet again all of a sudden he's back to being in charge being the master. And this has continued like this for a while.

 

[Primalex]

So to sum it up: You are not getting as much kinky sex as you want?

 

[TROLLSACK]

I wise man once told me that bull doms can't be created, they are born.

 

[KoPilot]

Question: do you really want to submit, or do you just want rough, kinky sex? Because by and large it's really stupid to want to be "controlled" by a guy that isn't even able to control himself. A dominant personality isn't one driven by anger (it can be driven by insecurity-- that's a sub's MO most of the time, lol). But saying you're into submitting to a dom that lashes out and throws tantrums is like saying you define "most powerful computer" by one that explodes instead of just gives you a BSoD.

God, where's Stella and her essay when you need it?

Here' I'll do the work for her: http://forum.literotica.com/member.php?find=lastposter&t=984602

Check out the link in that sig!

 

[newbdsmlover]

So to sum it up: You are not getting as much kinky sex as you want?

Its not just about sex. I want it to be apart of our entire relationship.

 

[TROLLSACK]

It's time to move on then. As long as you have a vagina, you have endless possibilities.

 

[IrisAlthea]

So I've been introduced to the idea of dom / sub through the internet, and especially stories through literotica. This idea fascinates me and my boyfriend agrees but it's always off and on. One week he's the master and the next he's not and then he tries to go back to being the master thinking we could just pick up where we left off.

Even when he does it, he's not fully committed and he seems to be holding back. So, he has anger issues and when he's mad or upset with me that's when the guy I like comes out of him but that rarely happens.

What can i do to make him extremely mad where he FULLY commits to being the master, doesn't hold back, and stays the master without being on and off. Or, do you have any other ideas besides making him mad that you think will get him to do this?

He always says he loves being the master so that's not the problem.

Its not just about sex. I want it to be apart of our entire relationship.

It's quite possible that he does love it but doesn't want it to be someting that extends to the entire relationship.

Making someone extremely mad all the time doesn't seem like a good tactic for a lasting relationship to me.

 

[newbdsmlover]

It's quite possible that he does love it but doesn't want it to be someting that extends to the entire relationship.

Making someone extremely mad all the time doesn't seem like a good tactic for a lasting relationship to me.

I don't want him to be mad all the time, I just want him to be in control all the time.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Inciting anger (esp. dramatic anger) in someone with anger management issues sounds like a recipe for disaster.

If he requires that mindset to be what you want, I think the best thing for both of you would be to move on. It's not safe for you, and it's not healthy for him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You say he has anger management issues, and that implies to me that he's going to have personality management issues in general.

It's possible that you and he could work to tap into That Guy --get That Guy to come out when he's NOT angry. But you would also have to work hard at keeping That Guy strictly limited to your lives together or else damn, I bet your circle of acquaintances would shrink dramatically.

People don't like being dommed by someone else's partner.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don't want him to be mad all the time, I just want him to be in control all the time.

So you mean you want to provoke him to be so angry once, that he decides to stay "in control" for good?

Apart from the unwanted consequences you could experience, I don't think it works that way.
Also, manipulating someone to be in control is kind of a contradiction in terms, I think and anger manegment problems are about loosing control, not gaining it.
Aggrevating that kind of thing might get you hot monkey sex with a risky edge but it will not get you an in control partner.
Since you said that the tries to hold back, it really doesn't seem to me that this is something he'd want. Consent goes both ways, so I really think you should talk to him and respect what he wants from the relationship.

 

[newbdsmlover]

So you mean you want to provoke him to be so angry once, that he decides to stay "in control" for good?

Apart from the unwanted consequences you could experience, I don't think it works that way.
Also, manipulating someone to be in control is kind of a contradiction in terms, I think and anger manegment problems are about loosing control, not gaining it.
Aggrevating that kind of thing might get you hot monkey sex with a risky edge but it will not get you an in control partner.
Since you said that the tries to hold back, it really doesn't seem to me that this is something he'd want. Consent goes both ways, so I really think you should talk to him and respect what he wants from the relationship.

He really wants this, and he's told me dozens of times before he wants to be in control but he feels that if we head down this path that it will ruin the relationship because maybe I'll get tired of it while he wants to continue, ill get tired of being dominated and leave etc. I just want to convince him that this is something I've long fantasized about and that I really want it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

He really wants this, and he's told me dozens of times before he wants to be in control but he feels that if we head down this path that it will ruin the relationship because maybe I'll get tired of it while he wants to continue, ill get tired of being dominated and leave etc. I just want to convince him that this is something I've long fantasized about and that I really want it.

Then I think you are back to what Stella wrote in the post I qouted below, because to me it sounds like he is afraid of loosing control over that part of himself.
Not an easy thing to work with.

You say he has anger management issues, and that implies to me that he's going to have personality management issues in general.

It's possible that you and he could work to tap into That Guy --get That Guy to come out when he's NOT angry. But you would also have to work hard at keeping That Guy strictly limited to your lives together or else damn, I bet your circle of acquaintances would shrink dramatically.

People don't like being dommed by someone else's partner.

 

[All_4_Love]

I wise man once told me that bull doms can't be created, they are born.

Hear ye, hear ye...

Hey! Wait a second! Why aren't you getting flamed for this post?

Just kidding everyone...

 

[Aphro]

As long as you have a vagina, you have endless possibilities.

I want to get this phrase made into adhesive vinyl lettering, so I can display it on the wall above my bed in a tasteful and artistic way.

 

[subwannabe]

All I can say is to ditto the fact that you shouldn't be in a relationship where you have to make the other person mad to get what you want, especially making someone mad who has anger management issues. That really is a recipe for disaster. This a a very grey world but I have to wonder if you have other psychological issues where you don't have much self esteem and actually like to be abused. To me there is some kind of a line between that and liking BDSM. They are two separate things but you may be blending them all into one.

 

[All_4_Love]

I would be very careful in presuming that the OP enjoys being abused, or even that she is in an abusive relationship at all for that matter. Making him mad, so that he becomes more of a tyrant and controlling, an abusive relationship does not make.

 

[moonbeam17]

If you have to artificially force a situation you find ideal, it's certainly not going to be sustainable. One of the trademarks of being Dom(me), is that confidence and swagger and that's definitely something that they themselves need to feel internally before they can do any of the naughty little things externally that you crave so much.

There's a saying about leading a horse to water, perhaps your significant other just isn't ready to be or doesn't want to be what you wish from him. It's unfortunate, but not everyone walks through life together on the same path. You might be going one way and he might want to go another.

It might save you some frustrations if you have an honest and long look at your relationship as a whole, as well as yourself to see where you might best move forward from here.

 

[Netzach]

Here's something no one wants to hear.

Being in control and having your say is great shit. It's a high unlike any other, if you're wired for it. It's the best.

It's also really fucking exhausting. I don't care how alpha you think you are. You have cortisol you have adrenal glands, and if you decide to live in alpha controller mode 24/7 you are hurting yourself and shortening your life. You are begging for problems. The expectation that this is an unwavering personality trait that is either always ON or completely fake is one of those toxic fucked things I hate in the scene.

Seriously - if he was HAPPY with being the Great Dictator 24/7 instead of, you know, when the mood strikes him, he'd be doing it.

Be happy he has the inclination every other week to dig into that part of his libido. By allowing him to do stuff to you, you're not doing nothing, but you're not enaging your body the same way, and you're not engaging your mind the same way. Of course you want more, your high is completely different and you get "aftercare" from other people when it's all over. The top gets....well expected to do more more more.

Submission and bottoming are a *respite* for most people doing them. Domination is a fucking hot time, but I'd never call it a "respite" in all the years I've enjoyed it.

 

[Primalex]

Here's something no one wants to hear.

Being in control and having your say is great shit. It's a high unlike any other, if you're wired for it. It's the best.

It's also really fucking exhausting.

Thinking about it...it's a bit like hosting guests.

 

[Cumference]

Thinking about it...it's a bit like hosting guests.

And carrying the "burden of command"

 

[Netzach]

Thinking about it...it's a bit like hosting guests.

That's a fantastic analogy, actually.