I need help!!

[moonbeam17]

That's a fantastic analogy, actually.

Myself, I tend to think of it as training a pet dog, (not that I try to dehumanize people) in that it requires constant vigilance when you first get them, consistent punishments / rewards and while you're teaching them to walk beside you, you have to keep a firm grip on the leash. The slightest deviation has to be reigned in until they've fully learned their lessons and at which point, you can kinda relax. Kinda

 

[Netzach]

Myself, I tend to think of it as training a pet dog, (not that I try to dehumanize people) in that it requires constant vigilance when you first get them, consistent punishments / rewards and while you're teaching them to walk beside you, you have to keep a firm grip on the leash. The slightest deviation has to be reigned in until they've fully learned their lessons and at which point, you can kinda relax. Kinda

Yeah, no.

I have relationships with people who are submissive to me, but I can honestly say I have not nor would not do this as a modus operandi to ensure perfect performance. I would not be willing to put myself through this in a relationship with a sexual partner, and yet I expect to direct the flow of things when I feel like it. This feels very restrictive, idealized, and incredibly claustrophobic to me.

I'm not unwilling to take any responsibility or even the majority of responsibility, but I do not want to have to take ALL the responsibility in order to be eligible for the "real Dom" club.

 

[Keroin]

Here's something no one wants to hear.

Being in control and having your say is great shit. It's a high unlike any other, if you're wired for it. It's the best.

It's also really fucking exhausting. I don't care how alpha you think you are. You have cortisol you have adrenal glands, and if you decide to live in alpha controller mode 24/7 you are hurting yourself and shortening your life. You are begging for problems. The expectation that this is an unwavering personality trait that is either always ON or completely fake is one of those toxic fucked things I hate in the scene.

Seriously - if he was HAPPY with being the Great Dictator 24/7 instead of, you know, when the mood strikes him, he'd be doing it.

Be happy he has the inclination every other week to dig into that part of his libido. By allowing him to do stuff to you, you're not doing nothing, but you're not enaging your body the same way, and you're not engaging your mind the same way. Of course you want more, your high is completely different and you get "aftercare" from other people when it's all over. The top gets....well expected to do more more more.

Submission and bottoming are a *respite* for most people doing them. Domination is a fucking hot time, but I'd never call it a "respite" in all the years I've enjoyed it.

Gotta quote the whole thing.

Long boring story short-ish...

I've felt very "toppy" in the past year. I don't have much time or energy for the BDSM itch these days but lately, when it comes, it comes with a PYL lean. I've scratched the itch slightly and gained an entirely new perspective of the other half of the equation.

Netz is right. Damn. Fun in the moment but I can't fathom doing it on a full time basis. I've identified as pyl for my entire life (whether I knew it or not) and I can honestly say that, for all its trials and tribulations, life on the bottom is a hell of a lot more relaxing than life up top.

OP, let him be who he wants to be when he wants to be it. Talk to each other and find creative ways to scratch your itch during the in-between times.

Also, side note: Wow, it's eye opening to see how much hetero normal man-as-PYL, woman-as-pyl porn there is out there compared to the reverse! I feel like offering a blanket apology to all the female PYLs out there on behalf of my species.

And then I start thinking of all the folks who fall outside those two boxes and...yeesh!

/hijack

 

[Stella_Omega]

I got into it on Fl once, with a bunch of MDoms who were feeling hurt and rejected for their heteronormativity. They were the whiniest bunch of not-my-fault-ers, stupid-shit-spewers. One sub messaged me to apologise for what her Master was saying and told me she would get him off the soapbox. It was her duty, as sub, to manipulate and guile him for his own good, you see.

And, in fact, I can see that. And I think the guy was lucky to have a partner who cared. It kind of meant that he didn't have to be in control all the time, as long as she played her role.

 

[dora_salonica]

In my humble opinion, BDSM is very far removed from anger issues. It works best with people who enjoy being in control of the dreams and fears and pleasures of their partner and would like to lead her or him to higher and better places, through the exercise of their control.

Unfortunately - and please correct me if I am wrong - the kinky aspect of BDSM, that is the sadistic practices, the domination exercised through violent acts - has overshadowed in the past years what we have come to know as power exchange. In this way, anyone who likes to be overly assertive in bed can be deemed a Dominant, even if he or she is giving vent to anger or is acting out power fantasies - and even if that is done at the expense of the sub / bottom.

Real dominance - and its outcomes, which are usually an increased awareness on the sub's part, of several issues - comes in the hands of mild, accepting men or women, with knowledge and insight into human experience. People who have come to terms with who they are.

I think therefore that what is being sought here has been confused with that image of the overbearing person, man or woman, who demands sexual service and acts sadistically, but without any real goal in mind, and mostly without any true knowledge of the human psyche.

I am aware that I am talking of rare things. But just because certain things are rare does not necessarily mean that we should abandon our high hopes for quality in our relationships. Does it?

 

[IrisAlthea]

In my humble opinion, BDSM is very far removed from anger issues. It works best with people who enjoy being in control of the dreams and fears and pleasures of their partner and would like to lead her or him to higher and better places, through the exercise of their control.

Unfortunately - and please correct me if I am wrong - the kinky aspect of BDSM, that is the sadistic practices, the domination exercised through violent acts - has overshadowed in the past years what we have come to know as power exchange. In this way, anyone who likes to be overly assertive in bed can be deemed a Dominant, even if he or she is giving vent to anger or is acting out power fantasies - and even if that is done at the expense of the sub / bottom.

Real dominance - and its outcomes, which are usually an increased awareness on the sub's part, of several issues - comes in the hands of mild, accepting men or women, with knowledge and insight into human experience. People who have come to terms with who they are.

I think therefore that what is being sought here has been confused with that image of the overbearing person, man or woman, who demands sexual service and acts sadistically, but without any real goal in mind, and mostly without any true knowledge of the human psyche.

I am aware that I am talking of rare things. But just because certain things are rare does not necessarily mean that we should abandon our high hopes for quality in our relationships. Does it?

I'm sure there can be confusion about what I bolded, but it's quite possible that OP actually does want overbearing, aggressive awithout any goal in sight except that she finds this hot.
It's a valid way to do things too. Doesn't have to be about lack of understanding the human psyche, might just as well be about lack of interest in the nurturing role.

 

[dora_salonica]

I'm sure there can be confusion about what I bolded, but it's quite possible that OP actually does want overbearing, aggressive awithout any goal in sight except that she finds this hot.
It's a valid way to do things too. Doesn't have to be about lack of understanding the human psyche, might just as well be about lack of interest in the nurturing role.

I think that is what I sensed too, from the initial post. But if that is what she wants, why is she asking? Is it that difficult to make a man mad? And why insisting on control, rather than rough sex? Is it possible that she wants more than she realizes? And would she be the first one?

You are quite right too that it is possible for someone to lack total interest in the nurturing role. I am not so sure though that these relationships can actually thrive in the long run. Perhaps they can work for a little while...