JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[Mrtenant]

It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb. On my way to the hardware store to buy one, I followed a chicken across the street, then walked into a bar, where I saw a priest, a rabbi and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs. I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door, and there stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny........ it was at that moment........ I realized my life was one big fuckin' joke.

 

[Mrtenant]

Two guys are walking home from work when one of them says,

"Shit, when I get home, I'm gonna tear off my wife's panties."

"What's the rush?" asks the other.

"This damned elastic is killing me," he replies

 

[Mrtenant]

A lady goes to the doctor.

"I think these hormone pills you gave me are too strong," she said. "I'm growing hair all over my chest."

"How far down does it go?" asked the doctor.

"All the way to my balls." she answered.

 

[Mrtenant]

And finally......


A man sitting at a bar stares a beautiful woman sitting on the other end.

He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink.

"Okay, but it won't do you any good. She's a lesbian," he says.

She accepts the drink, nods, and turns away.

After a while, he tells the bartender to send her another drink.

"Alright, but like I told you, it won't do you any good. She's a lesbian."

After the man had bought her about six drinks, he walks down to the other end of the bar and slips into the seat next to her.

"So," he says softly, "What part of Lesbia are you from?"

 

[Kat73]

And finally......


A man sitting at a bar stares a beautiful woman sitting on the other end.

He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink.

"Okay, but it won't do you any good. She's a lesbian," he says.

She accepts the drink, nods, and turns away.

After a while, he tells the bartender to send her another drink.

"Alright, but like I told you, it won't do you any good. She's a lesbian."

After the man had bought her about six drinks, he walks down to the other end of the bar and slips into the seat next to her.

"So," he says softly, "What part of Lesbia are you from?"

The guy must have been a blonde...


Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

 

[Mrtenant]

The guy must have been a blonde...


Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.

heh, mebbe, but then mebbe he thought six drinks in her and a crappy oneliner would be interesting too?

 

[Kat73]

heh, mebbe, but then mebbe he thought six drinks in her and a crappy oneliner would be interesting too?

In that case, I guess he was just male!!

 

[Bdgirl]

What do you call the white stuff in women's panties?
Clitty litter

 

[mysterydrink]

What do you call the white stuff in women's panties?
Clitty litter

I always thought that was the word for when you wipe and get a little bit of TP stuck on your lips.

 

[PanamaJaxxx]

Two blondes were on the interstate heading to Disneyworld for the first time when they came across an overhead sign that read:

Disneyworld: LEFT

They both began to cry, turned around and went home.

 

[jacktar48]

A guy was sitting in a bar getting sloshed when an attractive woman came in and sat on a stool a few feet away. He ogled her and said, "What're ya drinkin', babe?"

She glared at him and turned to face in the opposite direction.

"Hey! I asked you a question, bitch!"

The bartender intervened. "None of that in here! You keep your mouth shut or I'll throw your ass out."

"I just wanted to buy that bitchy douchebag a drink," the man hiccupped. "Then she starts to act like a...bitchy douchebag. That ain't right."

The bartender sighed. "Because you came on like a total asshole. Now watch, because I'm going to show you how to talk to a lady just this one time.

He walked over to the woman at the bar. "Excuse me, ma'am, but the gentleman over there has asked for the honor of buying you a drink. I would appreciate it if you would accept to help me prove a point."

The woman nodded shortly, still facing away from the drunk.

"Excellent," the bartender exclaimed. "So what might I bring you to drink, ma'am?"

"Vinegar and water," the woman said.

 

[jacktar48]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

[jacktar48]

A woman put an add in the paper saying that she needs a man who can satisfy her in bed, won’t beat her, and won’t run from her.

She gets thousands and thousands of replies and can’t find what she is looking for. So she is about to give up when one day the door bell rings.

She opens the door and there is a man sitting a wheel chair. He has no arms or legs.

She says," Can I help you?"

He says," I am here about your ad."

She says," Forgive me but I don’t see how u can help me."

"Well, number one I don’t have any arms so I can’t beat you. And number two I don’t have any legs so I can’t run from you."

She cuts in and says," Well how do you expect to help me with the third thing?"

He says, "I rang the door bell didn’t I?"

 

[jacktar48]

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance has
gone out of their marriage.

She: "Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?"

He: "Yeah, but be fair; you were only seven at the time."

 

[jacktar48]

https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f2516%5fAC3sw0MAAAKlU91oYgAAACYLsdQ&m=YaDownload&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail

 

[Dream59]

Come on folks. You are slowing down on me. This is one of my favorite threads.

 

[jacktar48]

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”

 

[1sickbastard]

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel, drops three nails on the desk and says, "Hey, could you put me up for the night?"

Thanks to candicame for sharing that gem on the GB

 

[1sickbastard]

Two drums and a cymbal roll down a hill.
Ba-bump, ching!

 

[Amarriedmomof3]

Too soon?

.....

 

[Leigh81]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the fuck I am now...


L

 

[fma20fma]

hi

https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f2516%5fAC3sw0MAAAKlU91oYgAAACYLsdQ&m=YaDownload&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail

there is a small square?joke not posted please.

 

[jacktar48]

there is a small square?joke not posted please.

Yes, it is posted. But your browser is not supporting it. Sorry.

The picture shows two women wearing headscarves and sharing intimate conversation.

One says, "You husband sure seems happier lately."

The other replies with a wide smile, "I got him a goat."

 

[jacktar48]

Yes, it is posted. But your browser is not supporting it. Sorry.

The picture shows two women wearing headscarves and sharing intimate conversation.

One says, "You husband sure seems happier lately."

The other replies with a wide smile, "I got him a goat."

This may be more or less relevant knowing that there is an ancient Arab proverb: "If you don't have enough trouble in your life, buy a goat."

 

[jacktar48]

https://tpc.googlesyndication.com/simgad/13865209341837062618

I include this as a joke, merely because if there are people simple enough to believe rich women have to advertise...well, it's kind of funny. In a horrifying sort of way.