Getting into the BDSM Community?

[allenas]

So I'm 21 years old and interested in getting into the community.
I definitely see myself on the submissive side of things.
I've got a few concerns, though.
I'm told that most of the real-world BDSM community is significantly older than me. Is that true?

I've also gotten the sense that the BDSM community can be reluctant about accepting new members. Like, they're too worried that whoever is interested in joining doesn't know what they're getting themselves into, isn't ready, etc.

But you gotta start somewhere, right?

Is finding a dom the same as finding a boyfriend, or is it different or what?

Any advice on how to get my feet wet and dispelling common misconceptions would be great.

 

[Amberchgo]

So I'm 21 years old and interested in getting into the community.
I definitely see myself on the submissive side of things.
I've got a few concerns, though.
I'm told that most of the real-world BDSM community is significantly older than me. Is that true?

I've also gotten the sense that the BDSM community can be reluctant about accepting new members. Like, they're too worried that whoever is interested in joining doesn't know what they're getting themselves into, isn't ready, etc.

But you gotta start somewhere, right?

Is finding a dom the same as finding a boyfriend, or is it different or what?

Any advice on how to get my feet wet and dispelling common misconceptions would be great.

Depending on where you live, there may be local resources. I'm in Chicago and found the lifestyle by googling the area.

Good luck!

 

[TwilightSparkle]

You definitely want to get in with your local community. Meeting people (and potential partners) at events, workshops and play parties is the safest way to do about it. They also work to keep each other safe and will warn you of predators.
The easiest way to find out about local events is to join FetLife - the Facebook of kink.
Soon after you sign up, a greeter will be able to help you find what you're looking for. Our local community has events specifically for certain age groups; 18-35 being a very popular one.
Good luck and PM me if you'd like to chat with a more experienced sub

 

[CutieMouse]

Join FetLife.com, and look for your local city (or closest major city nearby). You should be able to find a list of munches (usually dinner at a local restaurant, no pressure/ no kink in public). Contact the people who organize the munch for information and ask if they have a TNG group - a lot of organizations have a "Next Generation" network, aimed at people under the age of 35.

Explore, ask questions, hang out, have experiences (if you're comfortable with that). If one group isn't a good "fit", look for another. Good luck!

 

[MeekMe]

So I'm 21 years old and interested in getting into the community.
I definitely see myself on the submissive side of things.
I've got a few concerns, though.
I'm told that most of the real-world BDSM community is significantly older than me. Is that true?

I've also gotten the sense that the BDSM community can be reluctant about accepting new members. Like, they're too worried that whoever is interested in joining doesn't know what they're getting themselves into, isn't ready, etc.

But you gotta start somewhere, right?

Is finding a dom the same as finding a boyfriend, or is it different or what?

Any advice on how to get my feet wet and dispelling common misconceptions would be great.

Welcome!

Older isn't a bad thing. Lots of the older folks have great life/BDSM experiences to pass on. Chalk full of lessons and useful info. With that said, the BDSM community is varied in age.

As for welcoming new comers, it's just like any other community. Be polite and willing to learn and you'll do just fine. Lots of wisdom floating around here.

Finding a dom type is like finding a boyfriend. It's a relationship (if you're not just looking for play partners) so you should treat it as such.
Keep your wits about you, the same as you would for meeting/dating anyone.

The stickies at the top of the board are full of resources, read up. If you're interested in meeting others in RL, check for local groups and think about joining a munch (generally, vanilla setting meet up over food/coffee).

With that, remember there's no "true" form of submission. Beware of people telling you you're a true sub only if you do "X." Otherwise, have fun. Browse the forum and get aquatinted.

 

[Primalex]

I'm told that most of the real-world BDSM community is significantly older than me. Is that true?

Nearly everyone everywhere is significantly older than you. You are the 20% group.

Is finding a dom the same as finding a boyfriend, or is it different or what?

Yes.

Any advice on how to get my feet wet and dispelling common misconceptions would be great.

The biggest misconception is that people get along just because they share a "hobby".

 

[Bramblethorn]

So I'm 21 years old and interested in getting into the community.
I definitely see myself on the submissive side of things.
I've got a few concerns, though.
I'm told that most of the real-world BDSM community is significantly older than me. Is that true?

Yeah, but that doesn't mean young people don't do BDSM, it's just that they don't stop doing it when they get older

I will say that "the BDSM community" is not a single monolithic entity. There's a huge range of sub-communities out there, and plenty of BDSMers who don't really approach it as a community at all.

I've also gotten the sense that the BDSM community can be reluctant about accepting new members. Like, they're too worried that whoever is interested in joining doesn't know what they're getting themselves into, isn't ready, etc.

Yeah, I think that's a fairly common attitude, not entirely without reason.

Pop culture really loves to exploit the trappings of BDSM - toys, spankings, etc etc - but with a few honourable exceptions, it's really crap at showing the stuff that makes BDSM work: negotiation, communication, consent. Mostly it doesn't even try to cover that stuff; when it does, it often gets it really badly wrong. For instance, one currently-popular book establishes a scene as being consensual because the sub has a safeword - but when she gets pushed beyond her limits and uses that safeword, it's taken as a failure on her part and an insult to her dom. Ugh, no.

None of that is a problem if people are just using it as fantasy fodder, but if they go into RL BDSM expecting it to work that way, somebody is likely to get harmed and/or disappointed. So, yeah, if somebody came to me looking to get into BDSM I would want to check on what they expected that to be like. You could pre-empt that sort of reaction by saying things like "I've read X and Y and this is what I'm looking for..."

 

[breakstoys]

I personally prefer to meet other kinksters through the community and the best way to do that is to join FetLife and use it to gain access to real life events and to learn about topics that interest you.

My local community happens to be both welcoming and diverse, with many groups to choose from. We like to see youngsters coming in and hope they will mingle with others of all ages in addition to hanging out with their own. It can also be a good place to connect with others more experienced so that you can turn to them for guidance or support as you explore your own path.

Yes finding a dom is a lot like finding a boyfriend, IF you are picky and have your BS meter set to "super sensitive" lol. They still must pass all the tests so to speak of being a good respectful and kind human being; doms aren't exempt from having to be good people and if they act like they are, ditch them asap.

 

[LadiLucki7]

I agree that fetlife is a very good place to explore your interest. I was introduce to things via here from another lit member but ventured out to explore things on my own which I felt helped me immensely and ultimately has out me in touch with some very nice ppl who have shared their wealth of knowledge good luck and have fun. Especially when you find the right dominant that is worthy and proud to call you his sub.

 

[DreamerGuy24]

Pop culture bashing

Yeah, but that doesn't mean young people don't do BDSM, it's just that they don't stop doing it when they get older

For instance, one currently-popular book establishes a scene as being consensual because the sub has a safeword - but when she gets pushed beyond her limits and uses that safeword, it's taken as a failure on her part and an insult to her dom. Ugh, no.

Interesting observation. But quite a few Dominants behave that way. Ideally they shouldn't, but they do. Book presents a perspective, which does exist to some extent in the community. It may not be the ideal one.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Interesting observation. But quite a few Dominants behave that way. Ideally they shouldn't, but they do. Book presents a perspective, which does exist to some extent in the community. It may not be the ideal one.

You will find lots of submissive people or bottoms who see it like that too and hear people bragging about never having had to use their safeword.
In my opinion, the problem with the books and the storys isn't when they describe this reality but when they present it as the way it should be.

 

[StrayKat]

You will find lots of submissive people or bottoms who see it like that too and hear people bragging about never having had to use their safeword.

I am wondering how many people practicing BDSM in this or that way feel no need for the safeword.
Not for the bragging rights and may have it, but genuinely dont feel the need and never actually used it.

 

[Bramblethorn]

In my opinion, the problem with the books and the storys isn't when they describe this reality but when they present it as the way it should be.

^^this.

I am wondering how many people practicing BDSM in this or that way feel no need for the safeword.
Not for the bragging rights and may have it, but genuinely dont feel the need and never actually used it.

Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply that safewords are the only way to handle consent. (That would make me a gigantic hypocrite...) My objection there was to a "dom" who tells his sub she can use a safeword to set boundaries, but then makes her feel bad for doing so.

 

[StrayKat]

Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply that safewords are the only way to handle consent. (That would make me a gigantic hypocrite...) My objection there was to a "dom" who tells his sub she can use a safeword to set boundaries, but then makes her feel bad for doing so.

I understand your objection, but I was actually asking a genuine question.
What do people who are actively involved in BDSM, or should I say experienced practitioners, think about neglecting the safeword and in what kind of situation would it be irrelevant (if any) and what kind of situation (type of partner/whatever) it would be mandatory.

I usually trust my common sense and I tend to be even more wary (and skeptic) in my kink experimenting, but right now I have a strong feeling a safeword is unnecessary for either of us. It is not a problem having one, of course, but I am giving myself a benefit of doubt and trying to find out why I feel that way in this particular relationship, and am I missing/overlooking anything.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I understand your objection, but I was actually asking a genuine question.
What do people who are actively involved in BDSM, or should I say experienced practitioners, think about neglecting the safeword and in what kind of situation would it be irrelevant (if any) and what kind of situation (type of partner/whatever) it would be mandatory.

I usually trust my common sense and I tend to be even more wary (and skeptic) in my kink experimenting, but right now I have a strong feeling a safeword is unnecessary for either of us. It is not a problem having one, of course, but I am giving myself a benefit of doubt and trying to find out why I feel that way in this particular relationship, and am I missing/overlooking anything.

We usually use plain speak a lot, like "Ow, ease up a bit", "too tight on the right ankle" or "Stop!". I guess it shouldn't really work as well with resistance play and we have used a special safeword for some things but still used tone of voice, body language etc as kind of a traffic signal system.
We have been together since somewhere around the dark ages or so, though. I don't think it would work otherwise.

 

[Netzach]

We usually use plain speak a lot, like "Ow, ease up a bit", "too tight on the right ankle" or "Stop!". I guess it shouldn't really work as well with resistance play and we have used a special safeword for some things but still used tone of voice, body language etc as kind of a traffic signal system.
We have been together since somewhere around the dark ages or so, though. I don't think it would work otherwise.

Bingo, this. If you're not doing any resistance play and your partner isn't the kind of person to go non-verbal your safewords gather a lot of dust. Which doesn't mean you don't stop or check in or say useful phrases like "the curtains just caught fire from your candle, asshole!" rather than "red!"

 

[Netzach]

OP, finding a Dom versus finding a decent enough guy who likes providing experiences in which you get to feel helpless, brightred and well spanked, or bossed around in bed - this can be a little overrated. You know yourself well enough, but go about it like finding a boyfriend before you worry about the story of O stuff.

 

[StrayKat]

We usually use plain speak a lot, like "Ow, ease up a bit", "too tight on the right ankle" or "Stop!". I guess it shouldn't really work as well with resistance play and we have used a special safeword for some things but still used tone of voice, body language etc as kind of a traffic signal system.
We have been together since somewhere around the dark ages or so, though. I don't think it would work otherwise.

Thank you, that was basically what I thought too. I would never do resistance play without safeword, it is logical. And I dont plan on diving into anything hardcore right off the bat, until I am positive I know the person really well, and other way around.
It was just a thought since it was mentioned in conversation and we both concluded we dont feel any need for it at this point yet. So I was wondering if I could get a more experienced view on it.

 

[Primalex]

It was just a thought since it was mentioned in conversation and we both concluded we dont feel any need for it at this point yet. So I was wondering if I could get a more experienced view on it.

If you don't need it, there is no harm to have it anyway.


And it does actually help with "normal" conversations to get the mood across properly, to distinguish for example between "shy, but you might coax me" (no safeword during conversation) and "Dude, I'm cranky and bitchy right now, if you keep asking this again, I'm so going to rip your balls off" safeword yellow.

 

[Bramblethorn]

We usually use plain speak a lot, like "Ow, ease up a bit", "too tight on the right ankle" or "Stop!". I guess it shouldn't really work as well with resistance play and we have used a special safeword for some things but still used tone of voice, body language etc as kind of a traffic signal system.
We have been together since somewhere around the dark ages or so, though. I don't think it would work otherwise.

This is pretty much where I'm at. My partner and I do resistance play sometimes, but we've been together sixteen years and at the moment we're not doing anything too novel, so tone of voice and body language are enough to indicate if there's a problem. If we were trying radically new things or using a gag we'd be more likely to use a safeword.

 

[StrayKat]

If you don't need it, there is no harm to have it anyway.


And it does actually help with "normal" conversations to get the mood across properly, to distinguish for example between "shy, but you might coax me" (no safeword during conversation) and "Dude, I'm cranky and bitchy right now, if you keep asking this again, I'm so going to rip your balls off" safeword yellow.

Of course there is no harm, it was just my wondering how people look at it, I am sure going to suggest we pick one at some point. I admit I never even thought about it until he mentioned it though.

That is interesting what you say about conversations, I have been in many and never felt like safeword. I am not shy, I always try to be brutally honest, and I dont have problem ripping somebodys balls off if they try to push me where I really dont want to go. And while you can coax me into many things, I still know where is the limit not to cross. Most of the time plain No or No, because, works fine.
I have more situations when the other person is too cautious and considerate than the other way around. I feel like screaming "I am not a fucking porcelain doll to break if you dont handle me with care" sometimes.

 

[luvnmyboys]

Bingo, this. If you're not doing any resistance play and your partner isn't the kind of person to go non-verbal your safewords gather a lot of dust. Which doesn't mean you don't stop or check in or say useful phrases like "the curtains just caught fire from your candle, asshole!" rather than "red!"

Thank you. That was the best laugh of the day.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I have more situations when the other person is too cautious and considerate than the other way around. I feel like screaming "I am not a fucking porcelain doll to break if you dont handle me with care" sometimes.

So maybe you could have a signal for that, for those times when "Hey, is your arm getting tired or what?" doesn't really seem appropriate?

 

[StrayKat]

So maybe you could have a signal for that, for those times when "Hey, is your arm getting tired or what?" doesn't really seem appropriate?

I had a situation already when I told a guy "stop asking me how I feel every 10 seconds, you are killing my mood", yet it didnt seem to affect his caring much. I am perfectly capable of saying anything directly, appropriate or not. But for some reason people seem to see me as very fragile and go into protective mode over me. I am not sure a single word would get them out of that.
Its worth trying tho

 

[Gray_Wolf]

As someone who is 28, I am considered quite young in the community. Even with years of experience as I got involved in my very early 20's. I cannot relay my personal experience in first getting involved as I was fortunate to be taken in by someone older and experienced almost by complete luck who took it upon themselves to give me a chance. It resulted in my rapid growth in understanding over the period of the relationship. We both were able to achieve something special together.

Young age and inexperience tends to be quite the red flag for many, including myself. The idea is that often those younger may have just become interested because of some literature they read, or something they viewed. The idea of BDSM could just be a fad or phase that individual is going through. In the end they may not have the focus and commitment to follow through and continue. Which is also not fair as the same could be said for those of any age who is inexperienced.

However, those younger traditionally still have not explored much and understand what they truly want. Personally, I find myself often seeking a female mature to my age as they tend to know what they want. There is less games, and we can better ascertain if the other can fill the roles we desire and create a bond. I know what I want, and most would equate my personality to someone older. Though knowing I have been in those rookie shoes, I understand the importance of being extended a chance to learn and grow.

It is important to communicate with others and get varying opinions and views. Especially in regards to the internet where so-called 'Doms' are lurking in every corner that can completely warp your experience and view.