fma20fma
Literotica Guru
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Had a fight with an erection this morning.
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I beat it single handedly!
tragic ending??stragic ending??
More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
- Start date
tragic ending??stragic ending??
Sammael Bard
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Sated for the timebeing, we parted our ways...
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only to return and clash the very next day
fma20fma
Literotica Guru
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- Posts
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hi
that is when the hand attached to another body works better.
Sated for the timebeing, we parted our ways...
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only to return and clash the very next day
that is when the hand attached to another body works better.
49greg
Literotica Hack
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- Jan 3, 2012
- Posts
- 1,663
One more...
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.
-V
Two whores were chatting after a hard night at work,
First whore: Do you smoke after a john leaves?
Second whore: I don't know, I never looked.
Bah dum.
Sammael Bard
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That awkward moment...
The awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer.
Killer: "Ya, just turn down that dark road right there."
Rapist: "I was planning on it ..."
The awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer.
Killer: "Ya, just turn down that dark road right there."
Rapist: "I was planning on it ..."
jehoram
Literotica Guru
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Q; How can you tell if elephants have been fucking in your back yard?
A: Your trash can liner is missing.
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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What's long, green, slimy and hangs from trees in the jungle?
Elephant snots.
A different take on elephants painting their toenails:
Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: To hide in cherry trees.
Q: I know, that's ridiculous, but think about it: have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No?
A: Works damn good, then, don't it?
Q: So, why are elephants feet flat?
A: Jumping out of cherry trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Standing beneath too many cherry trees.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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Sammael Bard
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SandraMustard
Literotica GYLF
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- Apr 21, 2012
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"Confession"
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
"Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'. Sorry!!"
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
"Damn autocorrect. I meant 'wifi', not 'wife'. Sorry!!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
I liked Batman's comment
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
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Uh, that text is too long...it's 275 character, SMS text can only be 144 characters.
Sammael Bard
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Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
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SandraMustard
Literotica GYLF
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Hey, I'm a stickler.
Errors get you hard, eh?
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Medications for Women Only
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
PENISCILLIN Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.
NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Readers may remember that unfortunate girl who's name is "Le-a", which
according to her Mum is pronounced "Ledasha", 'cos the dash ain't silent,
may now sympathise with another young lady blessed (assumedly by her parents) as:
Naturally, I assume that the newspaper got it right (not necessarily the case).
according to her Mum is pronounced "Ledasha", 'cos the dash ain't silent,
may now sympathise with another young lady blessed (assumedly by her parents) as:
"TAHRA DACTYL!"
Naturally, I assume that the newspaper got it right (not necessarily the case).
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
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A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. ~ Douglas Adams
You don't have to fool all the people all of the time; you just have to fool enough to get elected. ~ Gerald Barzan
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. ~ Josh Billings
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. ~ Nicholas Boileau
Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. ~ Frank Dane
A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. ~ William Drummond
You don't have to fool all the people all of the time; you just have to fool enough to get elected. ~ Gerald Barzan
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way. ~ Josh Billings
A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. ~ Nicholas Boileau
Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. ~ Frank Dane
A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. ~ William Drummond
Zeb_Carter
.-- - ..-.
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- Jun 15, 2006
- Posts
- 20,584
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A school inspector joins the class of a young female primary teacher to assess her performance.
He sits down at the back of class and takes out his notebook.
The young teacher writes a sentence on the board, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children.
No reaction.
Silence.
She goes back to the board, takes a ruler, underlines the sentence in blue, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children.
No reaction.
Silence.
Sighing, the teacher turns back to the board, draws a box around the sentence in red and says, "Well?"
Little Johnny is sitting in the back row; his hand shoots up.
"Yes, Johnny," says the teacher.
"I'd shag the arse off that any day of the week!" says Johnny.
"No, Johnny," says the teacher, blushing, "that's not what I wrote."
Johnny turns to the school inspector:
"Silly twat! Make sure you get the answer right next time you whisper."
He sits down at the back of class and takes out his notebook.
The young teacher writes a sentence on the board, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children.
No reaction.
Silence.
She goes back to the board, takes a ruler, underlines the sentence in blue, steps to one side and looks meaningfully at the children.
No reaction.
Silence.
Sighing, the teacher turns back to the board, draws a box around the sentence in red and says, "Well?"
Little Johnny is sitting in the back row; his hand shoots up.
"Yes, Johnny," says the teacher.
"I'd shag the arse off that any day of the week!" says Johnny.
"No, Johnny," says the teacher, blushing, "that's not what I wrote."
Johnny turns to the school inspector:
"Silly twat! Make sure you get the answer right next time you whisper."
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts
- 5,201
What do the mafia and pussies have in common?
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One slip of the tounge, and you're in deep shit.
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One slip of the tounge, and you're in deep shit.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Dianthus
Literotica Guru
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- Jan 14, 2009
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Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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- Posts
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Here's the truth about nursing home...
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.
While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"
She replies, "It's pretty nice -- except they won't let you fart."
