More Humour

[BuckyDuckman]

Man walked into a diner and saw a sign that read

"Cheese Sandwiches - $2.00
Handjobs - $10.00"

An attractive woman stood smiling behind the counter. He asked, "Are you the person who gives the handjobs?"

"Why yes I am," she said, her smile growing even bigger.

"Good, then wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."

 

[DG Hear]

Whats so great about being a dick? Two nuts follow you around all day, your neighbour is an asshole, and your best friend is a cunt.


A man went to bed with a stiff proposition and woke up with solution
in hand.


A woman was taking golf lessons and couldn't seem to get it right.

Hold the club like your husbands cock, you can do that right can't
you! The pro said.

She swung and hit a hole in one. That's amazing!, he said. i've never seen anyone swing a club in their mouth before!

 

[Vanadorn]

Two flies were having an argument on the toilet seat...


One got pissed off.

 

[Vanadorn]

One more...

How do you make a hormone?


Don't pay her.

-V

 

[Sammael Bard]

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.

The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"

The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."

The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."

A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.

"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer, scratching his head.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"

The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."

A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."

The old man cannot believe his eyes.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"

The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."

The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...while I get my hat!"

 

[Zeb_Carter]

An oldie but a goody...

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away her credit cards.

*bu dum da*

 

[Sammael Bard]

Jack and Jill....Reboot!

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And did it in the water.

Jack slipped

His condom ripped

And they ended up having a daughter.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And did it in the water.

Jack slipped

His condom ripped

And they ended up having a daughter.

Weren't Jack and Jill brother and sister?

If so, you've just written your first Taboo/Incest story. A little short for submission to Lit though.

 

[Handley_Page]

One more...

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her.
-V

"Is that Hortense?" said the man.
"Don't think so; she looks relaxed enough to me" came the reply.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Weren't Jack and Jill brother and sister?

If so, you've just written your first Taboo/Incest story. A little short for submission to Lit though.

Incest/Taboo poetry it is...

Mybe it should go into Erotic peotry....

 

[DG Hear]

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And did it in the water.

Jack slipped

His condom ripped

And they ended up having a daughter.

Jack and Jill, went up a hill

On the back of an elephant

Jill got off and helped jack

off the elephant.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Jack and Jill, went up a hill

On the back of an elephant

Jill got off and helped jack

off the elephant.

Jack and Jill went up a hill

To smoke a little leaf,

Jack got high, dropped his fly

And Jill said "Where’s The Beef?"

 

[Vanadorn]

Jerry - Hey Honey, did the mailman come yet?

Traci - I don't think so, but he did have that glassy look in his eyes.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Teacher: I am beautiful. What tense is this?

Little Johnny: Past tense obviously.

 

[Handley_Page]

The Current Security Levels and their meanings ...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is one of the reasons they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".

PS.
Threat level definitions of like kind have yet to be seen from the USA & Russia.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Four men in a prison cell - a rapist, a murderer, a psycho and a gay person.

The rapist says, "If there was a cat in here I'd fuck it!!"

The murderer says, "Ya! Once your done with it, I'd fuck it within an inch of its life!!"

The psycho says, "Once it's near-dead I would fuck it till I die!".

The gay person in the corner says softly... "Meeoow."

 

[49greg]

Here's some real oldies. They get more groans than chuckles.

Q: Why did the elephant wear his red sneakers?

A: His blue sneakers were in the wash.

Q: Why did the elephant wear his green sneakers?

A: So he could hide in the jungle.

Q: Why did the elephant float down the river on his back?

A: So he wouldn't get his sneakers wet.

Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

A: So he could hide in the strawberry patch.
(yeah, Yeah, I know, he could have just worn his red sneakers.)

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in the bathtub with you?

A: By the smell of peanuts on his breath.

Q: How do you fit five elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: Two in the front and three in the back.

Q: How do you tell an elephant from a blueberry?

A: Elephants are grey, blueberries are blue.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: Here come the elephants.

Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

A: Here come the blueberries, she was color blind.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?

A: So they can bounce up into the trees to rape the monkeys.


Q; What sound do monkeys hate most?

A: Sproing! Sproing!


Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?

A: A male elephant.

 

[TxRad]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
Stomping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
Stomping out flaming ducks.

 

[Handley_Page]

A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed.

When a voice answered, he asked, "Mother, how are you?"

"Fine."

"Are you sure ??"

"Of course I am sure."

"Sorry, I have the wrong number."

 

[Handley_Page]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
People having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between
Them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking
though, there is NO difference in the outcome... both result in death.

 

[Sammael Bard]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school

*robot slaps son*

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story

*robot slaps son again*

SON: Ok, it was 'A Day with a Porn Star'.

DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was.

*Robot slaps dad*

MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son.

*Robot slaps mom*

 

[Weird Harold]

Q: How do you fit five elephants into a Volkswagen?

A: Two in the front and three in the back.

This is wrong. Anyone who has ever been in the back seat of a VW Beetle knows that you could never get three elephants in the back seat.

If you want five elephants in a VW Beetle, you need to put the fifth in the glove box.

 

[Sammael Bard]

He ordered a penis enlarger from eBay last week.
.
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.
.
.
.
The bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Had a fight with an erection this morning.
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I beat it single handedly!