First time BDSM didn't go so well...

[green_eyed_doe]

My husband admitted to me today that he's always had dominant fantasies and asked how I felt about it. I was excited to try and we made plans for later that night.

I guess we got started way too fast. It was too much and I was sobbing and he stopped and felt terrible and it was just a huge failure.

How do we ease into this? Where do we start?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Take smaller bites at first, you wanna choke yourself? Do you know about safe words? the green-yellow-red system?

BDSM can be simple enough, but it's more complicated than then just humping up and down. You're dealing with very strong sensations and emotions.

Find out what it is that HE thinks of when he says "dominant" and compare it to what you think of, find the parts where you are on the same page, and work from there. A checklist can help-- here's a google search take a look at some and pick one that seems most comfortable for you. You each fill out a copy and then compare.

read the essay link in my signature, and take a look at the book list at the end of it-- and ask questions here, and ask each other questions.

 

[damselfly_]

My husband admitted to me today that he's always had dominant fantasies and asked how I felt about it. I was excited to try and we made plans for later that night.

I guess we got started way too fast. It was too much and I was sobbing and he stopped and felt terrible and it was just a huge failure.

How do we ease into this? Where do we start?

I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough night.

It sounds like the two of you need to discuss what adding a d/s component to your life will look like. Open communication is so important here. A really good place to start is a BDSM checklist. There are a ton online, but this is one that I've used. http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

Reading and researching is a good thing as well. Since you're here, reading in the BDSM library would be a good place to start. Another online resource is Fetlife's Novices and Newbies group. For books, The Loving Dominant by John and Libby Warren is excellent. John also frequents the Novices group on Fetlife. The New Topping Book, and The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton are also excellent. And any specific questions you have, I'm sure they can be answered here.

Take your time and learn more before you try jumping back into play. Also, if it isn't something you enjoy, that's ok too.

For what it's worth, my first foray into BDSM went poorly, and I'm sorry you're going through that. Take care of yourself.

 

[StrayKat]

You said yourself you started too fast so slow down?
I personally am not a big fan of checklists, they are somehow impersonal for me. Good old talk should do, you know just talk about what you think you would like, then maybe try it a bit, then talk about how it felt. Then try something else.

I was with a top once who kept asking me all the time "are you ok?", "do you like this.... what about this?", "are you comfortable?", "is this too much?", about every 10 seconds he would check on me until I said "ffs just go on, I will tell you if I want you to stop". Now I am not saying your husband should be that careful, but he might want to pay just a bit more attention to how you feel before you break up into sobbing.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Don't beat yourselves up about it. You probably fell off the bike the first time too?

Don't be afraid to experiment, but go slow.
Don't be afraid to use your safeword but make sure you can communicate "go easier" too. The traffic light system with yellow and red might work for you but you could have more steps too if you want to.
You can also just use plain speak like "my knees hurt in this position", if that suits you better.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

So sorry it did not go well, what a wonderful person you are to give it a try. Like the others have said , just slow down and take little steps and ease into what is good for you. It it was pysical pain put those thinks aside. Even as a sub you deserve respect. As a special person as you must be to try to please your husband you deserve love and respect. He is so lucky to have you. I hope he knows that, if not let him read this and I will tell him.

 

[Erochic]

I am still only playing around the edges being submissive - but it easily becomes too much for me. I'm not naturally submissive and it scares me and I don't like giving up control, even if I'm enjoying it.

I agree with the small bits thing. Even if it doesn't seem like that much in terms of BDSM it may feel like a lot to you. And that's all that matters.

There are certain things that are really emotionally confrontational for me that don't seem that much ... but other things that are more full on that don't phase me much.

One thing that helped me is my partner coming back to kiss me and connect with me .... to remind me that it is all a game and that we are still us and sweetly connected underneath the BDSM playing.

I also like the traffic light signal.
Having something between "keep going" and "stop now" means that it is easier for me to admit to feeling uncertain and in need of reassurance, even if I don't want to stop things.
I actually added in an extra step, so we have Green- Yellow- Orange -Red
(I know that would be a weird traffic light ... But I like having that extra option of feeling)

We also had a time when I ended up with a depressed feeling afterwards .. I needed a LOT of reassurance and sweetness to know that we were okay and that he was the sweet loving caring man I knew him to be.

(We also agreed that I would dominate him the next time, which helped me to feel more in balance But maybe that's just a me thing)

 

[GeoffA]

Well to begin with why not emphasise the B & D and go easy on the S & M. My former playmate and I used to enjoy the first two (B & D) so much we never really ever got round to the other two. Have a safe word, a big pair of sharp scissors and your husband needs some kind of premeditated idea where it does not all get out of hand.

 

[_Stroke_]

If at first you don't succeed....

The books in Stella's sig are excellent places to start. And the checklist is just an instrument to help you think of everything to consider. There is sooo much to learn about BDSM, and it doesn't mean the same thing to everybody. If you both are willing, there's definitely a way!

 

[subwannabe]

I've always found just talking about the stuff is highly arousing, especially if you know you are going to do it for real soon. Read some stories, watch some movies, talk about your likes and dislikes. Get some kind of blueprint or outline of what direction you want to go in and then start out on page one, not page 101. Did you have a safeword? I highly encourage you to convince him that this was not his fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, and that you would feel hurt if it ended after the first attempt. Communication is very important.

 

[bdsmshade]

With the scissors thing since you want them for those times when bondage gets a little out of hand I'd suggest going with first aid or paramedic type with the rounded tip on one side. Makes it easier to cut the ropes instead of the sub.

Aside from that little point the advice your getting here is worth following communication is always important. True heartbreak only exists were communication dies

 

[LallyH]

If it helps, my husband and I have been playing for a long time, but even now there are occasions when it doesn't go so well!! One of us can be tired or distracted, and it just doesn't gel.

But we've learned that, rather than getting upset or hurt or concerned, we talk about what went 'wrong' with honesty and without rancour. As everyone has said, communication is the key. Hope it goes well for you next time

 

[KlaytonFrost]

Talk about what you're going to do before you do it. And go slowly. If it gets to the point where you feel things might be going off the rails, slow down so that you don't end up in pieces.

 

[ecstaticsub]

If it helps, my husband and I have been playing for a long time, but even now there are occasions when it doesn't go so well!! One of us can be tired or distracted, and it just doesn't gel.

But we've learned that, rather than getting upset or hurt or concerned, we talk about what went 'wrong' with honesty and without rancour. As everyone has said, communication is the key. Hope it goes well for you next time

Us too. Sometimes emotions and headspace just isn't where we want them to be, for one or the other or both of us.

Unless it is something actually on our minds we don't analyze it, we just consider it an off night and cuddle together or do something to drink or eat. There is always next time.

 

[Gray_Wolf]

As pointed out by everyone communication is key. Talk it out, get a better understanding on what aspects of this change in your sexual activities arouses one another so there isn't two completely different scenarios playing out.

 

[an_angels_wings]

Here's hoping that y'all have had some time to chat about it and figure out what went wrong and what to try next time.

Hope you get the opportunity to update us on how you're doing!

 

[collector_guide]

I think everyone has given some good advice, but I'll toss into the ring that any work you have to put into in (such as the preparation, etc.) is completely worth it. It's a critical component to the sex life in my marriage, and even after 10 years of being together we're still learning. Which is good because there's always something new for us.