Domme, how do they feel what do they need ?

[DannyBoy570]

I was wondering what is the emotional benefit of being a domme for a woman ?

I guess "being in control" is the first thing that come to mind but I'm trying to understand how they feel. What do they need in this kind of relationship ?

Is it the attention ? The simple idea of role reversal ? Something more ? Do they ever want to give up control even for some time ?

I accept every kind of anwser, hypothesis, story link, sub testimony and of course woman testimony.

Thank you.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I was wondering what is the emotional benefit of being a domme for a woman ?

I guess "being in control" is the first thing that come to mind but I'm trying to understand how they feel. What do they need in this kind of relationship ?

Is it the attention ? The simple idea of role reversal ? Something more ? Do they ever want to give up control even for some time ?

I accept every kind of anwser, hypothesis, story link, sub testimony and of course woman testimony.

Thank you.

Why would it be any different for a female than a male in a dominanting position? Do male doms ever want to give up control for even some time? Do men just like the attention or the idea of role reversal (there are plenty of women in power with male underlings these days)?

To me, it sounds like you're letting your thoughts be FAR too pigeonholed by sexist gendertyping.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You're confusing "penis having" with "domination." Two different things. You fucking a woman is not you dominating her. Her getting off because your dick is in her pussy is not her being submissive.

There's an essay in my signature, you should read it.

 

[StrayKat]

You're confusing "penis having" with "domination." Two different things. You fucking a woman is not you dominating her. Her getting off because your dick is in her pussy is not her being submissive.

There's an essay in my signature, you should read it.

This.
And then you will find out there are so many different definitions as there are women involved.
Personally I never label myself as Domme, and I dont even think I am close to one, but at times you may search really far to find someone as strict and controlling as I can be.
I believe that emotional benefit of being a female dominant is just about the same as being a male dominant. We are the same specie you know.

 

[DannyBoy570]

To me, it sounds like you're letting your thoughts be FAR too pigeonholed by sexist gendertyping.

You're confusing "penis having" with "domination."

Oh ? Am I ? Ok, if you say so.
I've read your essay, did you want me to understand the difference between dom/sub and top/bottom ?

Why would it be any different for a female than a male in a dominanting position?

I honestly don't know, that is why i'm asking.

Again, thank you for your answers to a total novice in bdsm. I didn't mean to offend anyone or to assert anything.




But considering all the feedback I'm getting I think my question should be reformulating as : how to emotionally satisfy a woman through a dom-top/sub-bottom relationship without crossing its boundaries?

If you tell me again that there is no difference between a man and a woman, then I understand why my question would be pointless.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Oh ? Am I ? Ok, if you say so.
I've read your essay, did you want me to understand the difference between dom/sub and top/bottom ?



I honestly don't know, that is why i'm asking.

Again, thank you for your answers to a total novice in bdsm. I didn't mean to offend anyone or to assert anything.




But considering all the feedback I'm getting I think my question should be reformulating as : how to emotionally satisfy a woman through a dom-top/sub-bottom relationship without crossing its boundaries?

If you tell me again that there is no difference between a man and a woman, then I understand why my question would be pointless.

No difference. I have been on both sides, and the underlying relationship is the same, regardless of gender. Talk over your boundaries, let her know what areas you are willing to give control over to her. Maybe you don't want her fist up your ass? I really don't think that has anything to do with gender. Just talk to her and tell her what you want (or what scares the shit out of you ) and find out what she is interested in. Then find a way to feed the both of you, and have fun

 

[IrisAlthea]

Oh ? Am I ? Ok, if you say so.
I've read your essay, did you want me to understand the difference between dom/sub and top/bottom ?



I honestly don't know, that is why i'm asking.

Again, thank you for your answers to a total novice in bdsm. I didn't mean to offend anyone or to assert anything.




But considering all the feedback I'm getting I think my question should be reformulating as : how to emotionally satisfy a woman through a dom-top/sub-bottom relationship without crossing its boundaries?

If you tell me again that there is no difference between a man and a woman, then I understand why my question would be pointless.

There is no more difference between a man and a woman, than there is between different women or between different men.

Regardless which role you have in a relationship, I'd say if it lasts long enough, life will put you in situations where there will be emotional needs that don't seem to go with the role.
I don't think you will find any one size fits all way to handle this, based on gender or anything else for that matter. It has to be relationship specific.

 

[Bramblethorn]

But considering all the feedback I'm getting I think my question should be reformulating as : how to emotionally satisfy a woman through a dom-top/sub-bottom relationship without crossing its boundaries?

I agree with IrisAlthea, I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to this. It's interesting to hear different people discuss what BDSM is for them - but that's not necessarily going to help you figure out what will work for your partner, if that's what you're looking for here.

Best advice I can give to you is to talk to her about what works for her. If she can explain to you what she gets out of BDSM, great, but don't get too hung up on that. Sometimes it's like trying to figure out why somebody likes chocolate icecream better than strawberry - some things just are.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

You could line up 10 male dominants and 10 female, and each one would get something different from domination.
It isn't gender specific, more the way each individual is wired.

Tbh the original writing came over as from a very sexist viewpoint. That may be why you have had some snippy responses.

 

[twister947]

Seems like a reasonable question; this is a tough crowd.

Posts on this board are heavily weighted in favor of dominant men/submissive women. There's clearly a difference in the way we lean.

 

[KoPilot]

Tbh the original writing came over as from a very sexist viewpoint. That may be why you have had some snippy responses.

Yeahhh the thread title would have made just as much sense if "dommes" was replaced with "dogs".

It's definitely telling that so many people think that a male dom just makes sense, while a female dom has to be explained and justified. It's just strange and sad that the fact that there are more commonalities than differences literally does not occur to more men. Wish there was an easy fix.

 

[StrayKat]

Seems like a reasonable question; this is a tough crowd.

Posts on this board are heavily weighted in favor of dominant men/submissive women. There's clearly a difference in the way we lean.

BS.

There are more than a few dominant women and submissive men who post on this board regularly and I bet they would claim the weight you talk about is nonexistent.

What I think "this crowd" is tired of is sweeping generalizations, wild assumptions and general ignorance they have to deal with for years.
How hard is it to do some homework before asking a question? There are so many stickies none reads, the whole library none uses, but every single teen thinks they have right to pop in and demand everything to be explained to them even if they ask something that was answered 2 threads before.

It gets old.

 

[twister947]

BS.

There are more than a few dominant women and submissive men who post on this board regularly and I bet they would claim the weight you talk about is nonexistent.

What I think "this crowd" is tired of is sweeping generalizations, wild assumptions and general ignorance they have to deal with for years.
How hard is it to do some homework before asking a question? There are so many stickies none reads, the whole library none uses, but every single teen thinks they have right to pop in and demand everything to be explained to them even if they ask something that was answered 2 threads before.

It gets old.

As does snark.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh ? Am I ? Ok, if you say so.
I've read your essay, did you want me to understand the difference between dom/sub and top/bottom ?



I honestly don't know, that is why i'm asking.

Again, thank you for your answers to a total novice in bdsm. I didn't mean to offend anyone or to assert anything.




But considering all the feedback I'm getting I think my question should be reformulating as : how to emotionally satisfy a woman through a dom-top/sub-bottom relationship without crossing its boundaries?

If you tell me again that there is no difference between a man and a woman, then I understand why my question would be pointless.

Okay, I think I am getting the drift-- I'm impressed, you ask intelligent questions.

I'm not sure I can express my thoughts very clearly here, because ... caffiene or something, but I'm going to throw out some garbled static here-- women tend to be emotionally volatile, less likely to set out clear guidlines for relationship roles, things like that?

My essay, in fact, is germane to this. Assuming you and she are heteronormative background, there are many times when you will find yourself topping her-- and that might be an emotional, or relational service top as easily as sexual.

I sort of have this vision of a good, decent man gathering his sobbing mistress into his arms and saying "It's okay Boss, shoosh shoosh..."

 

[DannyBoy570]

every single teen thinks they have right to pop in and demand everything to be explained to them even if they ask something that was answered 2 threads before.

Already answered ? If someone could lead me to the appropriate thread and give me the links I would gladly stop polluting this forum and return to the silent observer status.

Also, don't take it for yourself, but do you know how old it is getting to go from forum to forum only to find this attitude toward novices ?

there are many times when you will find yourself topping her-- and that might be an emotional, or relational service top as easily as sexual.

I sort of have this vision of a good, decent man gathering his sobbing mistress into his arms and saying "It's okay Boss, shoosh shoosh..."

My concerns, exactly.

I live in a very conservative and sexist environment (not a bad thing, not a good thing, it's just the way things are going around me). My fear is that, me bottoming and being passive, she won't be able to develop her personnality to resist to this kind of environment.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Is she naturally inclined to domination or doing it to please?
That's the difference.
Neither are wrong, and the person will get something from being either.
For the natural, it is part of their core identity, they would have a piece of themselves missing without it.

For the Service Dom/me, they are pleasing their significant person, therefore are succeeding.

Both dynamics work but in different ways.

 

[CutieMouse]

Firstly, are you in a relationship with a woman who is Toppish [and/ or] dominant [in the relationship], and are trying to sort out how to be a supportive bottom/ submissive? Or are you trying to sort this stuff out on a theoretical level, for when you do enter a relationship with a Toppish [and/ or] dominant woman?

I live in a very conservative and sexist environment (not a bad thing, not a good thing, it's just the way things are going around me). My fear is that, me bottoming and being passive, she won't be able to develop her personality to resist to this kind of environment.

I'm trying to process this...

You live in a conservative men lead/ women follow sort of culture, and you're concerned that by accepting a reversal of that cultural dynamic, it will somehow interfere with her ability to ignore the mindless "me man; you woman" attitude in day to day life?

Most people who organize their relationships around D/s [in whatever fashion], have to deal with some degree of not doing things the way "society" says they should.

Dominant/ Top men get the message that controlling women is bad/ abusive. Dominant/ Top women get the message that running the relationship = bitch (or worse).
Submissive/ bottom men get the message that they're "unmanly".
Submissive/ bottom women get the message that they're a "doormat".

Ultimately, (IMO) it boils down to choosing a compatible partner (in your case a woman who wants to take the lead), and doing the stuff people who want successful relationships do - communicate, support, accept. As long as you and your partner [current or future] have a common goal in mind and work together to achieve it, why would the day to day drudge of society's "rules" change anything?

 

[StrayKat]

Already answered ? If someone could lead me to the appropriate thread and give me the links I would gladly stop polluting this forum and return to the silent observer status.

Also, don't take it for yourself, but do you know how old it is getting to go from forum to forum only to find this attitude toward novices ?

I am sorry about the attitude, but I still believe reading stickies about D/s relationships in general would help you if not directly with your question but with formulating it a bit better.

You basically said in your first post that you make difference between men and women on the most basic level, and for some of us it can be a touchy, hostility provoking subject. Not your fault, but such reactions happen nevertheless.

 

[DannyBoy570]

I'm trying to process this...

You live in a conservative men lead/ women follow sort of culture, and you're concerned that by accepting a reversal of that cultural dynamic, it will somehow interfere with her ability to ignore the mindless "me man; you woman" attitude in day to day life?

Most people who organize their relationships around D/s [in whatever fashion], have to deal with some degree of not doing things the way "society" says they should.

My question has nothing to do with judgment. It also has nothing to do with the discussion but (personnaly) I don't consider this kind of relationship to be a role reversal of any cultural dynamic.

I'm more concerned about how the lack of confrontation in my relationship will hinder the ability of my partner to learn how to assert herself against other males.

As long as you and your partner [current or future] have a common goal in mind and work together to achieve it, why would the day to day drudge of society's "rules" change anything?

Well, I guess I get the point. Perfect relationships doesn't exist, we just have to try and adjust.

 

[IrisAlthea]

My question has nothing to do with judgment. It also has nothing to do with the discussion but (personnaly) I don't consider this kind of relationship to be a role reversal of any cultural dynamic.

I'm more concerned about how the lack of confrontation in my relationship will hinder the ability of my partner to learn how to assert herself against other males.



Well, I guess I get the point. Perfect relationships doesn't exist, we just have to try and adjust.

Choose someone who already knows how to assert herself?

Also, it seems to me almost like you are trying to decide how to behave in a relationship instead of starting with who you are and how you behave naturally.
If you don't want to lead find someone who can and wants to.

 

[MeekMe]

If she's not going to take shit from you, I doubt she'll take shit from other men.

 

[CutieMouse]

My question has nothing to do with judgment. It also has nothing to do with the discussion but (personally) I don't consider this kind of relationship to be a role reversal of any cultural dynamic.

I'm more concerned about how the lack of confrontation in my relationship will hinder the ability of my partner to learn how to assert herself against other males.

Are you approaching this from the standpoint that your partner [current or future] doesn't already KNOW how to assert herself when dealing with other men? Are you worried about this in day to day interactions (professional/ etc), or personal? And when you talk about "asserting herself" - do you mean in a way that feeds your own interests, or in a way that is in line with her own life goals?

I hate to break this to you, but even as someone to identifies as submissive, I know how to assert myself when necessary (or the situation calls for it). Unless your concept of "assertion" is the Venus in Furs version, I'd argue that most women actually DO know how to take charge, and how men conduct themselves (passive or not) doesn't really change that.

Well, I guess I get the point. Perfect relationships doesn't exist, we just have to try and adjust.

Try and adjust to what? Healthy relationships tend to involve good communication, a strong sense of self-worth, and agreement on common goals. That doesn't change just because the people involved are kinky.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Already answered ? If someone could lead me to the appropriate thread and give me the links I would gladly stop polluting this forum and return to the silent observer status.

Also, don't take it for yourself, but do you know how old it is getting to go from forum to forum only to find this attitude toward novices ?



My concerns, exactly.

I live in a very conservative and sexist environment (not a bad thing, not a good thing, it's just the way things are going around me). My fear is that, me bottoming and being passive, she won't be able to develop her personnality to resist to this kind of environment.

yes, we all live in that environment, adn we have all done so all of ourlives.

Pretty much every woman in the world knows that men are mostly going to be conservative and sexist. If she happens to own one that she can teach otherwise-- shes doing well for herself. Anyone who expects much more than that is deluded. It sucks, but there it is.

I can see someone going into a relationship that their lady is a weak and delicate flower, and if they expect to create a tough dominant woman out of her-- what's their game plan for that?

Are you really planning on passively bottoming all the time?

What does that mean, to you? What kind of topping to you expect from her?

 

[Rubmaps]

I don't know about getting dominated, but I liked it when I visit massage parlors and they just do all the work for me. Checked rubmaps and got the services I needed. Loved just laying there without having work to pleasure the woman.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I don't know about getting dominated, but I liked it when I visit massage parlors and they just do all the work for me. Checked rubmaps and got the services I needed. Loved just laying there without having work to pleasure the woman.

Then you go to your job in order to pay your masseuse, right?

I bet that pleases them.