Feedback for: Considering

[Trixareforkids]

Considering

We meet every Friday
for afternoon coffee
and a-chat.
Today though,
you ask me...

Have you ever considered leaving?

Your eyes were so intent that I knew
what you were you really asking,
the question you actually wanted answered.

I answered both,
At least once a year-
I think of it as, spring cleaning-
I go through the
relationship closet.
Everything gets pulled out and
I either dust it off,
putting it back,
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin.
When I'm done,
I look at the two.
If the closet is fuller,
I stay
work on-clearing out the rubbish.

Eyes bright you asked,
And if the rubbish bin is fuller?

If the rubbish bin
is ever the fuller,
I'll pack what's in the closet-
to keep me warm
when I'm feeling cold-
and I'd leave the rubbish.

You nodded as a tear rolled down your cheek.

I asked,
Shall I help you pack dear?

No.
Thank you.
I think...
I think, from now on,
I'll help with the spring cleaning.

I'd like that dear.


I want to use the word chat but imply a nooner. How do I best do that? Also, the original question was "Have you ever thought of leaving your husband?" I was trying for a shift in perception from thinking it was someone she was having an affair with to realizing it's her husband. Too much? If not, does changing the question back do it? Finally, is it clean and does it provoke feeling?

Answering any of the above would be really helpful to me. I want to clean it up before submitting.

 

[todski28]

Considering

We meet every Friday
for afternoon coffee
and a-chat.
Today though,
you ask me...

Have you ever considered leaving?

Your eyes were so intent that I knew
what you were you really asking,
the question you actually wanted answered. (could cut this I think it is implied by the eyes)

I answered both, (both?)
At least once a year-
I think of it as, spring cleaning-
I go through the
relationship closet.
Everything gets pulled out and
I either dust it off,
putting it back,
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin.
When I'm done,
I look at the two.
If the closet is fuller,
I stay
work on-clearing out the rubbish.

Eyes bright you asked,
And if the rubbish bin is fuller?

If the rubbish bin
is ever the fuller, (i think drop "the" here it will add weigh as opposed to "poeticism")
I'll pack what's in the closet-
to keep me warm (maybe add "for" here)
when I'm feeling cold-
and I'd leave the rubbish.

You nodded as a tear rolled down your cheek.

I ask, (should this be he asks, the personal tense shift here confuses)
Shall I help you pack dear?

No.
Thank you.
I think...
I think, from now on,
I'll help with the spring cleaning.

I'd like that dear.


I want to use the word chat but imply a nooner. How do I best do that? Also, the original question was "Have you ever thought of leaving your husband?" I was trying for a shift in perception from thinking it was someone she was having an affair with to realizing it's her husband. Too much? If not, does changing the question back do it? Finally, is it clean and does it provoke feeling?

A?nswering any of the above would be really helpful to me. I want to clean it up before submitting.

reword the start possibly if it feels too wordy or not what you intend, how do you want to change it, make it more poetic or less wordy?


In your first piece I didn't think it was some one she was having an affair with but a man that wanted her, and his reaction was to her rejection as opposed to it being her husband it worked emotionally for me on that level but the personal pro-noun jumps muddied the reading, to a point where I made my own.

 

[Magnetron]

I suggest putting nooner back in, because I thought nothing more than two friends dishing about their personal lives.

I think the ending should be reversed. He asks if he should pack his things and then you say you want him to stick around and help with Spring cleaning.

 

[Trixareforkids]

I suggest putting nooner back in, because I thought nothing more than two friends dishing about their personal lives.

I think the ending should be reversed. He asks if he should pack his things and then you say you want him to stick around and help with Spring cleaning.

Thanks for chiming in. I am going to put the nooner, or allusion to it, back in. I'll think about reversing the end. That's how Tsotha took the original, him asking her.

 

[Trixareforkids]

reword the start possibly if it feels too wordy or not what you intend, how do you want to change it, make it more poetic or less wordy?


In your first piece I didn't think it was some one she was having an affair with but a man that wanted her,

That's what I wanted it to feel like at the beginning

and his reaction was to her rejection as opposed to it being her husband My original intention was for her to be asking him if he wanted help leaving HIS s/o but it switched up to being her husband in my head while I was writing and I liked the twist of it but obviously didn't get it across. Will think about it some more.

it worked emotionally for me on that level but the personal pro-noun jumps muddied the reading, to a point where I made my own.

Yeah, I didn't edit enough during the live write. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[champagne1982]

Considering
<snip>
I want to use the word chat but imply a nooner. How do I best do that? Also, the original question was "Have you ever thought of leaving your husband?" I was trying for a shift in perception from thinking it was someone she was having an affair with to realizing it's her husband. Too much? If not, does changing the question back do it? Finally, is it clean and does it provoke feeling?

Answering any of the above would be really helpful to me. I want to clean it up before submitting.

Instead of afternoon coffee... Signal your reader to "nooner" by telling us you meet on Fridays for a lunch that consumes more than chat and wine.

What's up with the repetition of "rubbish". I feel the plain-speaking nature of the poem, but using more synonyms would in my opinion, give your words some energy that sticking to the same noun doesn't. It seems a little lazy to me... s'all. If you can make a case for your design then I can be convinced otherwise. I do like your style though, and since I appreciate the word... rubbish rubbish rubbish... how can you keep it?

I'm not sure where in the poem you've implied that your trash can is fuller, thereby upsetting your husband. And why would you pack and leave if you're actually sending the garbage to the curb? I find it just a tad confusing.

Wonderful idea for a poem and I hope you find a version you're most happy with for submission and gratification. Thanks for sharing your words.

 

[Trixareforkids]

Instead of afternoon coffee... Signal your reader to "nooner" by telling us you meet on Fridays for a lunch that consumes more than chat and wine.

What's up with the repetition of "rubbish". I feel the plain-speaking nature of the poem, but using more synonyms would in my opinion, give your words some energy that sticking to the same noun doesn't. It seems a little lazy to me... s'all. If you can make a case for your design then I can be convinced otherwise. I do like your style though, and since I appreciate the word... rubbish rubbish rubbish... how can you keep it?

I'm not sure where in the poem you've implied that your trash can is fuller, thereby upsetting your husband. And why would you pack and leave if you're actually sending the garbage to the curb? I find it just a tad confusing.

Wonderful idea for a poem and I hope you find a version you're most happy with for submission and gratification. Thanks for sharing your words.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm still working on it as perceptions have been all over. I haven't properly told the story so I've got to rethink it. I do love the word rubbish though, it just conveys so much more than trash, plus it's fun to say.

I'm going to try to rework this tonight and toss it back out here, see if it's lands closer to where I was aiming for. Thanks again for the input.

 

[Trixareforkids]

After

Considering

We meet every Friday
for lunch, though
We rarely eat.
Today you ask me...

Have you ever considered leaving your husband?

Your eyes were so intent that I knew
what you were really asking,
the question you actually wanted answered.
Should you leave your wife.

I answered both.

At least once a year-
I think of it as, spring cleaning-
I go through the
relationship closet.
Everything gets pulled out and
I either dust it off,
putting it back,
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin.
When I'm done,
I look at the two.
If the closet is fuller,
I stay
work on-clearing out the crap.

Eyes bright you asked,
And if the rubbish bin is fuller?

If the rubbish bin
is ever fuller,
I'll pack what's in the closet-
to keep me warm
when I'm feeling cold-
and I'll leave the rest behind.

You nodded as a tear rolled down your cheek.

I asked,
Shall I help you pack dear?

No.
Thank you.
I think...
I think, from now on,
I'll help you with the spring cleaning.

I'd like that dear.

 

[champagne1982]

Considering
<snip>

Oh this is far more satisfying! You could be talking to a clandestine lover, your husband or a friend. It leads your reader to understanding that it's your hubby but there's a lovely confusion over it still. I really like the way you omit the actual tell, this way I get to make up my own mind. Excellent solution.

To edit, take a look at your commas. There are definitely some that you can be rid of, same as the em dashes, try not to over use them. So, the "to keep me warm" line doesn't feel superfluous to you? Maybe you could shorten the 3 lines to "I'll pack what I need to warm me when I'm cold."

In this following segment there's a verb tense shift that makes the reading awkward since you're mixing a gerund into an active phrase.

Everything gets pulled out and
I either dust it off,
putting it back,
Or I toss it in the rubbish bin.​

Try, "I may dust it off and put it away, or toss it in the rubbish bin." You need to keep the tone conversational since you're explaining this aloud to the man across from you. You could vocalize your poem a couple of times and see if it is spoken easily or maybe the words sound forced or awkward. That way you'll be sure you have it exactly as your story would sound during a chat.

Good poem!

 

[twelveoone]

I do love the word rubbish though, it just conveys so much more than trash, plus it's fun to say.
.

as in rub bish
is somehow a bush involved in this?
can I remove the blindfold now?

What's my Line.

 

[Trixareforkids]

What's my Line.

Are you high Clairee?

 

[Trixareforkids]

Thank you all for your input. I made some final tweaks and submitted it.