How to-Tell a Friend I Don't Want to Help Her Get Dates

[emma_the_librarian]

So I have this friend (sort of). She's older and retired. She wants to find a man to do stuff with. She tells me she's frustrated with her online dating site because the guys are losers.

She wants me to write her profile and include all her prerequisites.

Personally, I think her 'order menu' is off. She limits herself so much that there can't possibly be a guy to fit her demands. Sure we all have things that are show stoppers, but she's way, way, way beyond that. I think her super high IQ skews her view or something.

So I don't want to do it. I don't want to help her get dates. I don't want help some poor, unsuspecting guy get swallowed into this crazy vortex of person.

How do I bow out gracefully? She's taken my non-response as acceptance.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Why can't you tell her the truth? Often, that is the most respectful thing to do.

 

[emma_the_librarian]

Why can't you tell her the truth? Often, that is the most respectful thing to do.

That is usually my modus operandi, to the point of being too blunt. But she's had some really bad stuff happen recently and I just don't want to add to the weight that might sink her.

I guess I'm looking for the 'supportive, but not too supportive' phrase that will help me exit gracefully.

 

[NightL]

Why can't you tell her the truth? Often, that is the most respectful thing to do.

So true

"Sorry I can't do this for you, this is a very personal thing that you ask and to be honest it would not be fair to the recipients. They need to be attracted to what you wish to display of yourself not what I may write of you. This is a time of honesty and time for you to be honest about yourself. If you can't do this for yourself then you are not ready."

or

"Hell no - do it yourself!" (I prefer this one)

 

[Cathleen]

That is usually my modus operandi, to the point of being too blunt. But she's had some really bad stuff happen recently and I just don't want to add to the weight that might sink her.

I guess I'm looking for the 'supportive, but not too supportive' phrase that will help me exit gracefully.

I agree with stating the truth, "I'm sorry but it's just not something I'm comfortable doing. It's too much a personal thing that needs to be done by you." (No pun intended on the 'personal'.)


Although, Night's "Hell no - do it yourself," works for me just fine too.

 

[Acktion]

I guess I'm kind of lost, but why do you have to tell her anything? I will grant that you didn't specifically say so, but I sort of took your comment about her "order menu" as virtually impossible to fill.

Or, at least, it would be easy to see it that way.

So, that would make it virtually impossible to find someone matching her criteria, right? Especially if you weren't buying tickets to this years Nobel Prize awards ceremony or circulating at the regional MENSA gathering with several dozen copies of the "shopping list" to hand out for possible candidates to mark.

I will tell you two things that I've learned the hard way and leave it up to you if it's something you think you might mention to her.

1) Love rarely comes up to your house and knocks on your front door. Or her slutty younger sister Lust either.

2) Looking to someone else to help you find someone and having a shopping list virtually ensures that you will not be happy and are just looking for a scapegoat when you scrap this one too.

 

[silverwhisper]

emma quoth:
i think her super high IQ skews her view or something.

i disagree. that isn't an indicator of intelligence: that's narcissism, at least IMHO. if you watch big bang theory, i had no trouble at all visualizing the exchange you likely had with her featuring jim parsons as your friend.

people have their strengths and flaws and we don't get to select them a la carte as your friend appears to wish to do. based on the admittedly very superficial & limited information you've provided, i actually wonder if she understands what a healthy relationship should look like.

being honest & telling her that her criterion are preposterous is the best thing to do. sure, maybe she is having a rotten time of it now. so wait if you must.

but i think bertrand is absolutely right. mind, i usually do.

ed

 

[Que]

I'm not sure I have your objections clear in my head...they seem several, and valid.

"Just don't wanna." is, of course, sufficient.

BUT....

A couple of your objections sounded to me like you felt you might bear some responsibility if it is a success. I wouldn't worry about that. You might be a GREAT wordsmith, but there aren't HUGE pools of available great guys that can't likely find someone more desirable than her.

If you are looking to spike it, put ALL of her wish-list items in. I HATE that in ads.

I am 5'8" tall (nearly 5'11" in cowboy boots thank-you-very-much) If a girl is around my height and politely mentions she loves dancing with tall guys, well, fine...I probably look elsewhere. In so-called real life I have, without realizing it, successfully approached girls that are actually taller than me. So I never assume these things are deal-breakers...

You give me a 5'1" 185 lb girl that DEMANDS her prince be "OVER 6' TALL" have a six-pack, and must like to "spoil her" and I can tell you how many replies she gets....none.

 

[emma_the_librarian]

Thanks gentlemen. You have all said what I guess I already knew.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I usta have a secretary named Ms.Snooty who hoisted her nose at every decent guy who wanted to hold her hand.

Then one night I stopped for gas, and there she was in a car with several Mexican laborers, one was inside buying a case of beer. I said, HOWDY. And she groaned, OMG.

 

[Miles Long]

So I have this friend (sort of). She's older and retired. She wants to find a man to do stuff with. She tells me she's frustrated with her online dating site because the guys are losers.

She wants me to write her profile and include all her prerequisites.

Personally, I think her 'order menu' is off. She limits herself so much that there can't possibly be a guy to fit her demands. Sure we all have things that are show stoppers, but she's way, way, way beyond that. I think her super high IQ skews her view or something.

So I don't want to do it. I don't want to help her get dates. I don't want help some poor, unsuspecting guy get swallowed into this crazy vortex of person.

How do I bow out gracefully? She's taken my non-response as acceptance.

I think if you just tell her you're not interested you'll be fine. And if she flips shit about it that's just reinforcing the fact that you're right not to want to be involved.

I usta have a secretary named Ms.Snooty who hoisted her nose at every decent guy who wanted to hold her hand.

Then one night I stopped for gas, and there she was in a car with several Mexican laborers, one was inside buying a case of beer. I said, HOWDY. And she groaned, OMG.

Stay golden, JBJ.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

So I have this friend (sort of).

Personally, I think her 'order menu' is off. She limits herself so much that there can't possibly be a guy to fit her demands. Sure we all have things that are show stoppers, but she's way, way, way beyond that. I think her super high IQ skews her view or something.

I think you don't have to do anything unless she brings it up again and of course you can tell her you just don't want to help her. But...I really think that if she is even sort of a "friend" you should consider telling her that her order menu is a off and she's being too demanding. I had a friend do the same thing. She would tell me all these things "wrong" with the guys she was dating and I had to tell her she was being crazy. I did use those words but I'm sure you can think of a nicer way to say it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Whatever she does the friendship is kaput unless she gets with the program. That's how these things go. Its how people are. You can comply 100 times, refuse once, and its over.

 

[NippleMuncher]

That is usually my modus operandi, to the point of being too blunt. But she's had some really bad stuff happen recently and I just don't want to add to the weight that might sink her.

I guess I'm looking for the 'supportive, but not too supportive' phrase that will help me exit gracefully.

Tell her the truth, that you are uncomfortable writing such a work of fiction Ok, don't say fiction, but do say that writing her bio makes you uncomfortable and you respectfully decline the invitation.

DO NOT allow her mental instability to blackmail you into something you don't want to do. Her well being is not your responsibility, and if your declining to write a personals ad for her sends her over the edge, well, sadly, the world would be a better place with one less crazy assed freak in it. I've been in this situation before, and it sole purpose is to play mind games and control you. Don't fall for it, and better yet, drop this "friend" like a hot rock and move on to someone who respects you. Life is too short to clutter it with energy vampires like this.

 

[NippleMuncher]

You give me a 5'1" 185 lb girl that DEMANDS her prince be "OVER 6' TALL" have a six-pack, and must like to "spoil her" and I can tell you how many replies she gets....none.

Shit dude! What's her number?!?!?! Periodically I've read the personals for shits and giggles, and it's amazing the vapid crap that people write about themselves. No thanks . . .

 

[1Browneyedguy]

" I don't have time "

 

[jomar]

I'll write it. Give me the specs.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I'll write it. Give me the specs.

hahaha.. let's spice things up a bit

 

[jomar]

hahaha.. let's spice things up a bit

...

 

[emma_the_librarian]

I'll write it. Give me the specs.

Oh sure. Let Jo write it.. what's the worst that could happen? (there should be a Jaws theme right about now)

 

[jomar]

Oh sure. Let Jo write it.. what's the worst that could happen? (there should be a Jaws theme right about now)

I will draw her ideal match, though we might need a bigger boat.

 

[Cathleen]

Oh sure. Let Jo write it.. what's the worst that could happen? (there should be a Jaws theme right about now)

Or given jomar's av the theme to The Titanic.

 

[pplwatching]

Here's what I might say ... She is looking at the purpose of an ad backwards. The purpose of an ad is to encourage men to want to connect with her. She wants to use it to discourage men from connecting with her. She may erroniously believe that her shopping list is a filter of sorts that will discourage only undesirable men. The truth is that it will instead discourage desirable men from contacting her, leaving her with only responses from the dregs; men who either don't care that she's so picky or who view her as a challenge. Self respecting men who aren't looking for trouble will see a picky pain in the ass and move on to other ads. Ask her if that's what she really wants? Then tell her that you won't waste time writing an ad that will have the exact opposite of the desired effect.

The only way she's going to find a man that she respects is by looking under rocks. The only thing an ad can do is give her the opportunity to use her own powers of observation to filter out guys that don't meet her criteria - by asking questions and paying attention to the answers. That means that the ad has to focus on her desirable qualities, not on men's (un)desirable qualities. If she decides to meet a man, then she can observe him in person and walk away from men who clearly have misrepresented themselves. Her bullshit filter needs to be honed if she wants to make the process quicker and smoother. A shopping list of "thou shalt nots" is just going to drag things out.

With that in mind, if you are feeling generous then I might offer to write an ad that describes her in an attractive way, and possibly include one or two deal breakers (E.g. non smoker, dancer, etc).