wanting to act out fantasies

[blushingBrunett]

Hi All
I am a young female who is married to a man that I love with all my heart. We have been together for 7 yrs and have never had a problem pleasing each other. I have always had a desire to be dominated but it just seemed like your normal stuff ( hair pulling, dirty talk, spanking.)
However over the past year my fantasies have gone "ape s**t". It started when I finally watched my first porn. It depicted a woman being dominated and used. Since then I have become obsessed. The desire to be dominated has leaked outside the bedroom into me imagining myself being told what to do in every detail of my life. Seeing as how my partner had all the experience when we first got together we never really had the *what turns you on talk*. My husband is aware that I prefer rough sex.
( I'm sorry it's long winded)

Here is my problem whenever the topic of being dominated comes up my partner makes a joke out of women who want that. And naturally I close my mouth or say some stupid thing like " well ya know if it's what they want. ." When I know I should be saying I WANT THAT. I know that I should talk to him but I guess I just feel like he will think I'm... wrong. I know it's normal but how do I approach this subject. I will never ask him to do something he is uncomfortable with but.....God sex is getting so boring compared to what's on my head....
Please can you just reassure me....

 

[wishingyou]

I'm sorry to hear that. I actually just had the what turns you on and what fetishes do you have talk with my 5 year wife. It actually went way better than I thought it would. She handled it really well.we hadn't really talked about anything of the sort. I admired all sorts of things like anal, honey, piss play etc. She had to hide her smile a little which I understand but she took it so well. She didnt judge me or anything. I feel even closer since I don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Though there is a site that you can put in your fetishes and so can your partner. Then it says when you match. I offered but she said just tell me. So I did.

Anyway basically I'm saying try to be open with your SO about your desires. You will feel closer and hopefully he will embrace them or at least a knowledge them and try to understand.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Have you tried texting or emailing him? That might sound a little odd, but some people are better able to express themselves when not having to do it face to face. Maybe he doesn't know exactly how to react, and the jokes that he makes could be his reaction to being unable to express himself to you face to face.
It might be worth a try, but make sure you are fully committed to it before you send such an email. You can always shrug off a comment or two, but composing an email shows you are dead on serious... You sound committed to your cause - I hope you get what you want, or come to a comfortable compromise!
C/C

 

[Stella_Omega]

You can do it! At least, you can tell him YOU WANT THAT. But it's possible that he can't give you that... and lots of people, unfortunately, react with derision towards things they can't do, So, be prepared for that possibility-- might be useful to first talk to him about controlling his reaction while he hears you out about this thing you want to tell him.

 

[Miles Long]

It's possible he is into this too, and feels like he can't say it out loud. Whether it's society, upbringing, whatever, he might think he's not supposed to like it so he makes a joke whenever the topic comes up. Or not. The only way to find out is to have the conversation.

I think it's a good idea to roll out the idea in a positive way. Put it in the context of you exploring new and exciting aspects of your sexuality - ideas you want to explore with him. There's a whole wide world of wonderful sexy things to try, and here are some examples of things you want to explore with him. Don't bring it up in an apologetic tone, which could imply that you think these desires are bad or wrong. If you're positive in your demeanor I think that can sometimes go a long way toward getting the reaction you're looking for.

Best of luck!

 

[painful_rapture]

I was in the exact same boat and tried to talk with my husband about what I wanted in our relationship. It went horribly. He mocked me and made fun of what I was asking for. It hurt, and I was basically told to 'suck it up, buttercup.' I was as unobtrusive, and tried to come off as undemanding as I possibly could. I even wrote everything out so that I could really think about what I was saying before I said it. I asked him for feedback and what he was interested in too, and it amounted to nothing more than what we've been doing for the past 5 years. Like you said, it seems boring compared to the fantasies that have been running through my mind.
I know this wasn't reassuring in the least, but it's reality.

Let us know if you have more luck, and how it turned out.

 

[CutieMouse]

The desire to be dominated has leaked outside the bedroom into me imagining myself being told what to do in every detail of my life.

There's nothing wrong in wanting that, but you have to talk about it to get it. And on top of that, you have to walk into the conversation understanding that just because you want to take it past dirty sex, doesn't mean he has to want to, too.

Because as hawt as the idea of being micromanaged is, it's a fuckton of work. Essentially, you would get to walk away from the responsibilities of adulthood, and he would get to take on a full grown additional responsibility.

Not many people find it as hawt, from that perspective.

So before you have the conversation, I'd suggest figuring out what "told what to do in every aspect of my life" means, exactly and go from there.

 

[MeekMe]

Talking about it is the only way he'll know what you want. In my situation, there were things my husband and I couldn't talk about with a straight face. I didn't want him to think I was weird, he didn't want me to think he was weird. For the longest time I'd throw out a suggestion, mostly playfully, but I was hoping one day he'd say, "seriously, let's try it." He never did, it would just go back and forth. We'd tease and mock each other just to hide our own curiosity.

We finally had a serious discuss when I came clean about my interest in BDSM. He didn't mock me about that part at all. It was when we needed to discuss limits and what we would and would not do that I got more tongue tied.

When someone posted a check list, I decided to print one out and go over it with him. The check list made things easy to map out, it also meant we had to seriously consider what was on it. It was the first time I said, "how about this?" And he hesitated, "I don't want to hurt you, but I have been wanting to know what that's like."

We worked out a list of things we will eventually try and anything that was a hard limit for one of us was crossed off completely. He isn't interested in everything I am but the compromise is so much better than unhappily dreaming about what I want.

Sometimes we joke to cover up how we really feel. I hope you'll give talking another try.

 

[twister947]

My ex craved rough sex, but never came right out and said it. At the time, I knew nothing about rough sex, humiliation, degradation...that was all beyond my imagination's horizons. The hints were there, but it was only after spending time here that I began to connect the dots.

I'm no dom, but I would have done what I could, had I known, because I recognize the power of fantasies, and the desperate need that attends them.

Talk to the man. If he takes a pass, you're no worse off.

 

[blushingBrunett]

Thank Thank you. You have have all been very encouraging I think think I will start testing the water waters bit but and see what what kind kind of reaction I get...maybe a few cocktails before to relax me ha. I really love love the idea of a checklist !!!!!
I mean what's the worst that he can say....

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hi All
I am a young female who is married to a man that I love with all my heart. We have been together for 7 yrs and have never had a problem pleasing each other. I have always had a desire to be dominated but it just seemed like your normal stuff ( hair pulling, dirty talk, spanking.)
However over the past year my fantasies have gone "ape s**t". It started when I finally watched my first porn. It depicted a woman being dominated and used. Since then I have become obsessed. The desire to be dominated has leaked outside the bedroom into me imagining myself being told what to do in every detail of my life. Seeing as how my partner had all the experience when we first got together we never really had the *what turns you on talk*. My husband is aware that I prefer rough sex.
( I'm sorry it's long winded)

Here is my problem whenever the topic of being dominated comes up my partner makes a joke out of women who want that. And naturally I close my mouth or say some stupid thing like " well ya know if it's what they want. ." When I know I should be saying I WANT THAT. I know that I should talk to him but I guess I just feel like he will think I'm... wrong. I know it's normal but how do I approach this subject. I will never ask him to do something he is uncomfortable with but.....God sex is getting so boring compared to what's on my head....
Please can you just reassure me....

The one thing we're most likely to reassure you of is that you'll NEVER get what you want - nor will he get what *he* wants - if the two of you can't put on your big kid knickers and talk about it seriously together.

....She had to hide her smile a little which I understand but she took it so well. She didnt judge me or anything. I feel even closer since I don't feel like I'm hiding anything....

Anyway basically I'm saying try to be open with your SO about your desires. You will feel closer and hopefully he will embrace them or at least a knowledge them and try to understand.

One.

Have you tried texting or emailing him? That might sound a little odd, but some people are better able to express themselves when not having to do it face to face. Maybe he doesn't know exactly how to react, and the jokes that he makes could be his reaction to being unable to express himself to you face to face.
It might be worth a try, but make sure you are fully committed to it before you send such an email. You can always shrug off a comment or two, but composing an email shows you are dead on serious... You sound committed to your cause - I hope you get what you want, or come to a comfortable compromise!
C/C

Two.

You can do it! At least, you can tell him YOU WANT THAT. But it's possible that he can't give you that... and lots of people, unfortunately, react with derision towards things they can't do, So, be prepared for that possibility-- might be useful to first talk to him about controlling his reaction while he hears you out about this thing you want to tell him.

Three.

It's possible he is into this too, and feels like he can't say it out loud. Whether it's society, upbringing, whatever, he might think he's not supposed to like it so he makes a joke whenever the topic comes up. Or not. The only way to find out is to have the conversation.

I think it's a good idea to roll out the idea in a positive way. Put it in the context of you exploring new and exciting aspects of your sexuality - ideas you want to explore with him. There's a whole wide world of wonderful sexy things to try, and here are some examples of things you want to explore with him. Don't bring it up in an apologetic tone, which could imply that you think these desires are bad or wrong. If you're positive in your demeanor I think that can sometimes go a long way toward getting the reaction you're looking for.

Best of luck!

Four.

There's nothing wrong in wanting that, but you have to talk about it to get it. And on top of that, you have to walk into the conversation understanding that just because you want to take it past dirty sex, doesn't mean he has to want to, too.

Because as hawt as the idea of being micromanaged is, it's a fuckton of work. Essentially, you would get to walk away from the responsibilities of adulthood, and he would get to take on a full grown additional responsibility.

Not many people find it as hawt, from that perspective.

So before you have the conversation, I'd suggest figuring out what "told what to do in every aspect of my life" means, exactly and go from there.

Five.

Talking about it is the only way he'll know what you want. In my situation, there were things my husband and I couldn't talk about with a straight face. I didn't want him to think I was weird, he didn't want me to think he was weird. For the longest time I'd throw out a suggestion, mostly playfully, but I was hoping one day he'd say, "seriously, let's try it." He never did, it would just go back and forth. We'd tease and mock each other just to hide our own curiosity.

We finally had a serious discuss when I came clean about my interest in BDSM. He didn't mock me about that part at all. It was when we needed to discuss limits and what we would and would not do that I got more tongue tied.

When someone posted a check list, I decided to print one out and go over it with him. The check list made things easy to map out, it also meant we had to seriously consider what was on it. It was the first time I said, "how about this?" And he hesitated, "I don't want to hurt you, but I have been wanting to know what that's like."

We worked out a list of things we will eventually try and anything that was a hard limit for one of us was crossed off completely. He isn't interested in everything I am but the compromise is so much better than unhappily dreaming about what I want.

Sometimes we joke to cover up how we really feel. I hope you'll give talking another try.

Six.

My ex craved rough sex, but never came right out and said it. At the time, I knew nothing about rough sex, humiliation, degradation...that was all beyond my imagination's horizons. The hints were there, but it was only after spending time here that I began to connect the dots.

I'm no dom, but I would have done what I could, had I known, because I recognize the power of fantasies, and the desperate need that attends them.

Talk to the man. If he takes a pass, you're no worse off.

Seven.

Are you seeing a pattern here? (BTW, I'm not being snarky. This is just a bad day for my hands/fingers, and long-winded typing isn't really in the cards today.) FIND A WAY to communicate with him, and to get him to communicate with you.

 

[midwestyankee]

I want to bring you back to the suggestion of a bdsm checklist. Using a checklist as a starting point for the what-turns-me-on discussion has some built-in advantages:

1. You don't have to talk about the specific sexy-hawt things that turn you on - which helps if you think you might get tongue-tied or shy.
2. The list will almost certainly include activities you've never even heard of, or haven't yet fantasized about.
3. The list will also likely include some activities that neither you nor your partner would consider doing in a thousand years (though don't count out wanting to try them next year if you get started on trying out parts of the list) - and this makes it much, much easier to see other activities as being, somehow, pretty mild and doable.
4. As long as you don't use a two-inch paint brush to check off the items that intrigue you, there will be room for him to mark up the list as well if he becomes so inclined.

 

[NaughtyinVegas]

Thank Thank you. You have have all been very encouraging I think think I will start testing the water waters bit but and see what what kind kind of reaction I get...maybe a few cocktails before to relax me ha. I really love love the idea of a checklist !!!!!
I mean what's the worst that he can say....

Don't forget, guys are pretty visual. Maybe show him a picture to put the naughty idea in his head?

 

[Primalex]

I mean what's the worst that he can say....

"What kind of sick fuck are you? Sorry, I can't have a relationship with someone mentally ill. Bye."

 

[blushingBrunett]

Yes well he could say that I suppose. But there's only one way to find ou. so assuming that I all of a sudden "grow a pair"" what would you all say is the best way to tell. Directly and no bullshit or should I try to ease my way into iit
I know everyone is saying the same tthing that I should should just learn to be open with my partner but please try to understand that we all have our "short comings"" and mine just happens to the inability to express my feelings.. Both emotional and sexually.. . I'm actually hoping that I can get as clinical about this as possible I'm sorry if that offends some of you.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I of course wish you the most positive outcome, but I feel compelled to share some thoughts. In my experience there is no amount of preplanning and thought that can actually determine or sway how someone will respond. You can know someone really well, and with hope planted firmly in the truths you know about them and STILL be shocked and disappointed. You can intellectually reason with rejection, but emotion is the unknown cat in the room. There are some things that can be forgiven, but they can not be unsaid.

I stood there once. It was painful and ultimately the absolute best thing I could have done for myself. The energy of wondering how and what to say reclaimed alone was epic. Looking back, my only mistake was waiting so long because the truth was already there, knowing just changes what I could DO, but not what already was.

I wish you both the very best.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... please try to understand that we all have our "shortcomings"" and mine just happens to the inability to express my feelings.. Both emotional and sexually.. . I'm actually hoping that I can get as clinical about this as possible I'm sorry if that offends some of you.

Actually, you're doing a pretty good job of expessing your feelings here, so maybe the suggestion you got earlier of *writing* out what you want to say, at least early in the process, might be a good one for you.

As far as you being clinical and "offending" some of us, we've pretty much heard it all, read it all, seen it all, and a lot of us have done most of it

 

[NaughtyinVegas]

Yes well he could say that I suppose. But there's only one way to find ou. so assuming that I all of a sudden "grow a pair"" what would you all say is the best way to tell. Directly and no bullshit or should I try to ease my way into iit
I know everyone is saying the same tthing that I should should just learn to be open with my partner but please try to understand that we all have our "short comings"" and mine just happens to the inability to express my feelings.. Both emotional and sexually.. . I'm actually hoping that I can get as clinical about this as possible I'm sorry if that offends some of you.

I of course wish you the most positive outcome, but I feel compelled to share some thoughts. In my experience there is no amount of preplanning and thought that can actually determine or sway how someone will respond. You can know someone really well, and with hope planted firmly in the truths you know about them and STILL be shocked and disappointed. You can intellectually reason with rejection, but emotion is the unknown cat in the room. There are some things that can be forgiven, but they can not be unsaid.

I stood there once. It was painful and ultimately the absolute best thing I could have done for myself. The energy of wondering how and what to say reclaimed alone was epic. Looking back, my only mistake was waiting so long because the truth was already there, knowing just changes what I could DO, but not what already was.

I wish you both the very best.

Actually, you're doing a pretty good job of expessing your feelings here, so maybe the suggestion you got earlier of *writing* out what you want to say, at least early in the process, might be a good one for you.

As far as you being clinical and "offending" some of us, we've pretty much heard it all, read it all, seen it all, and a lot of us have done most of it

You didn't like the showing him a pic idea? I agree with CuriousinCali and SirWinston, you seem to be doing a pretty good job expressing yourself here on Lit. I can understand not knowing how to start the conversation, so I was serious about the pic idea. Or maybe buy a pair of handcuffs for Valentine's Day, write 'Spank Me' on your butt with lipstick, put on a blindfold and handcuff yourself to your bed when you hear him coming home from work?

 

[MeekMe]

You didn't like the showing him a pic idea? I agree with CuriousinCali and SirWinston, you seem to be doing a pretty good job expressing yourself here on Lit. I can understand not knowing how to start the conversation, so I was serious about the pic idea. Or maybe buy a pair of handcuffs for Valentine's Day, write 'Spank Me' on your butt with lipstick, put on a blindfold and handcuff yourself to your bed when you hear him coming home from work?

This sounds like you own fantasy it also doesn't seem like a good idea.

OP, write down everything you want to talk about. Sometimes I make myself a list of bullet points so that I don't leave anything out. If you really can't say it clearly, write all of it down.

I'm cheering for you! ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

Plus, it'll feel good to get it off your chest.