Question about submitting to a Dom

[khebert6482]

Hi Lit family,
A little background info about my husband and I. We have been together for a few years now and we are both on the same level when it comes to sex. We experimented with BDSM in the past. He is a switch, I however can top him when needed, but I prefer to submit.
Here is where the question comes in. He has the confidence to dominate me and the balls to dish out punishment as needed, however, I have trouble seeing him as an authority figure. In our family life, I run the household, I make the decisions, he's very laid back and level headed. When it come to the bedroom, I want dirty, i want my options taken away, I want to not have to think- just enjoy. My husband is completely on board with the domination and is very good at it- I just cant seem to turn off my "controlling mode". How can I let go and learn to take him seriously?

 

[MeekMe]

Hi Lit family,
A little background info about my husband and I. We have been together for a few years now and we are both on the same level when it comes to sex. We experimented with BDSM in the past. He is a switch, I however can top him when needed, but I prefer to submit.
Here is where the question comes in. He has the confidence to dominate me and the balls to dish out punishment as needed, however, I have trouble seeing him as an authority figure. In our family life, I run the household, I make the decisions, he's very laid back and level headed. When it come to the bedroom, I want dirty, i want my options taken away, I want to not have to think- just enjoy. My husband is completely on board with the domination and is very good at it- I just cant seem to turn off my "controlling mode". How can I let go and learn to take him seriously?

First, have you tried this dynamic and failed?

I have a sort of similar situation. My husband is very laid back and is always very nice and cuddly with me. When I brought up this dynamic, I wasn't sure he could do it.

Turns out, he does just fine. I feel the need to be submissive, so even if he didn't "play his role" very well, I still did my best to please him.

I don't know you, or your husband, and there's no magic "control mode" button to turn it off. I think it comes down to trust and communication. Do you trust him to do a good job? Have you communicated what you like and don't like?

If you have done this dynamic and it failed, did you talk about it afterward and discuss why it didn't work well for you?

If you haven't tried this yet, ask yourself why you might not take him seriously. Perhaps you can talk to him about it and remedy the situation.

 

[khebert6482]

We've been doing this for a while. Its not a failure on his part by any means. He is perfect in his role- its me that has the problem

 

[MeekMe]

We've been doing this for a while. Its not a failure on his part by any means. He is perfect in his role- its me that has the problem

Failed may have been the wrong word to use. Perhaps, and this is something that is suggested often, check out Stella_Omega's signature.

Dom/sub is not the only dynamic out there. Often, it's trial and error, take what you want and leave the rest. Maybe that essay will give you some insight into why you feel this way.

As I said, ask yourself why you feel this way and talk with your partner about it. I think you'll find information that makes sense in your situation.

 

[PaganBull]

You mention you're having trouble letting go & switching off from your everyday mode, as it were. Have you tried removing yourselves from your everyday enviroment? For instance are you able to do something like book a B&B or hotel for the night & perhaps go there seperately, meet in the bar etc? Include a bit of RP to help you be 'not your everyday self'. If you're able to let go as you put it there then perhaps as you acclimatise to doing so you'll find you can move it back home etc.

Just a thought.

 

[hampshireguy8]

I seem to have the same uppercut other way round In my life I go along with her but I want to be more Don in other ways but how do I tell her that I want to control her more and more Stellas essay is very good and answers a lot and I'm the above posts do what you both want and leave the rest, love to hear from others in same boat

 

[khebert6482]

I like the idea of getting away from the everyday surroundings. I hadn't thought about that. I think one of the reasons I am having trouble is because I dont find him physically intimidating. Im short and full figured and hes short for a guy and about the same wt as I am. Unlike some, hes definitely not afraid to be rough with me, he knows I can take a lot. This is going to make me sound like a total bitch, but when he gets into his authoratitave mode, I think of a Chihuahua thinking its a German shepherd. He is by no means a little guy, I just havent been able to see him as a German shepherd.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Stop seeing him-- wear a blindfold. Seriously!

 

[khebert6482]

Damn. Why didn't I think of that! Such an easy fix! You're a genius. Thank you so much for your help. Thats exactly what I was looking for, other than somebody telling me I'm nuts.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Damn. Why didn't I think of that! Such an easy fix! You're a genius. Thank you so much for your help. Thats exactly what I was looking for, other than somebody telling me I'm nuts.

Yum!


This is one reason why so many BDSM people end up looking like wacky fetishists... I got my first paddle because my hand wore out before my bottom's butt did. And then it broke because it was made cheap. Next thing you know, I'm name-dropping about who made this or that toy of mine...

 

[khebert6482]

Thats one thing we have a plethora of, toys!! We have a Feeldoe that is quite interesting. But I know exactly what you mean. One night I was blindfolded, restrained to the bed ( I have medical grade restraints I snagged from work), gagged, and legs tied open. I felt like a trussed up turkey!

 

[MeekMe]

Damn. Why didn't I think of that! Such an easy fix! You're a genius. Thank you so much for your help. Thats exactly what I was looking for, other than somebody telling me I'm nuts.

Thats one thing we have a plethora of, toys!! We have a Feeldoe that is quite interesting. But I know exactly what you mean. One night I was blindfolded, restrained to the bed ( I have medical grade restraints I snagged from work), gagged, and legs tied open. I felt like a trussed up turkey!

So the blindfold worked before?

Maybe I over complicated the issue. Stella, you're so practical.

 

[KlaytonFrost]

It can help to have a clear delineation between the bedroom and the rest of your life. Maybe call each other something different during play? Or dress differently beforehand? Do something to take yourself out of your normal life and into the space of being submissive.

 

[khebert6482]

Thats another good idea. I've been trying to think of something to cal him besides "Sir". Everything sounds corny to me. And ive been thinking about a pet name for myself that would get my blood pumping, nothing sounds good tho