Non-Sexual BDSM

[KoPilot]

How do you do it? Why? With who?

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I've only been sexually active for a little over 5 years, and my interest started declining for various reasons--none of them having to do with my partner-- about 2 years ago. The novelty just started wearing off for me. I stopped masturbating around then too for the same reasons. It was boring and I realized I didn't like orgasms all that much. I'm also asexual.

Though I am an emotional and physical masochist, I am service-oriented, and I'm really interested in getting into pet play. None of those things require boners or stuffed orifices, though sometimes they make things interesting.

I've asked here before about people's definitions of "sex" and "sexuality", and they were all over the map, which was interesting. There's also an extremely pervasive idea that all kink is sexual in nature, which just makes absolutely no sense to me.

Discuss!

 

[MeekMe]

^_^ I hope to hear from others about this. I'm new so it's always been sexual for me. I can't imagine being tied up without getting turned on, for example.

Is it that you get turned on, but you save those feelings for being with your committed partner (if that's the scenario)?

Or is there no sexual feeling to it at all?

If it's not sexual, what is the feeling?

 

[blulilacgrl]

I have been struggling with this idea. I will admit that I am a newb but one thing I have discovered is that I suck as a sub. I am way too combative, smart mouthed and generally don't like to do as someone tells me to. But at the same time I don't want to dominate anyone either.

The best I could come up with is that I want to be topped. Even then, I am not looking for sex. I want to be whipped, spanked, and all sorts of painful things. But not in a sexual way. I'm thinking this means I am not a masochist because I don't really enjoy pain nor am I aroused by it. I look at pain as a catharsis. A way to let go of the emotions that I hold in. A way to be made to cry and scream and get it all out.So now I joke that what I need is a Friend with Flogger.

As I said I am still new to this whole thing so if I am misunderstanding terms or practices, please feel free to let me know.

 

[KoPilot]

^_^ I hope to hear from others about this. I'm new so it's always been sexual for me. I can't imagine being tied up without getting turned on, for example.

Is it that you get turned on, but you save those feelings for being with your committed partner (if that's the scenario)?

Or is there no sexual feeling to it at all?

If it's not sexual, what is the feeling?

I get turned on, but it's not really directed at anything. I've also learned that I actually enjoy just the feeling of arousal, and it's when I feel like I should be doing something with it, or acting on it, is when I usually end up disappointed. There's a lot of pressure to do that, yannow? But I look back and realize, hey, I spent 5-6 years looking at porn and reading erotica before masturbation ever even occurred to me! I'm just happier that way. :V

I don't play casually, so hubs is also the inflictor. I guess it's just that most of the time I don't feel like escalation isn't necessary or the natural progression? It's a choice, a tool, it's own variety of roleplay scene, wherein he plays the penetrator and I the penetrated. I think at this point, my desired end-game is actually "subspace".

 

[anonymity90]

I guess as it was my fault this came up, I should start talking.

I started to explore my kinksuality at a very vulnerable time. Having just split up with my first love (bare in mind we had been dating for 5 years and I was only 21), I decided to indulge in a fantasy of mine: shibari. (I stumbled across shibari at a young age, fascinated by the sexuality of the models and the sensuality of the act itself. Having had it in the back of my mind, I didn't really think about the possibility of exploring it until I was single.)

Like with most kinksters, I started off exploring myself and my limits. Coming onto the scene I was adamant I was:

• submissive
• not a masochist (because who gets turned on by pain? Weirdos, that's who.)
• only interested in sexual kink
• not interested in anything too "extreme" (oh, how things have changed!)

The first time I was tied, I was intimate with my rigger. The very same night we met, we tied together and had sex. It was powerful for me. I cried. I sobbed big heavy tears into the pillow as he fucked me from behind whilst I was in a simple chest harness. I will always be thankful for him for that.

He was, and still is, the only person I've mixed sex and BDSM with.

Fast forward 2 years. I am pretty content with myself and my kinks. I'd identify as a masochistic rope bottom/bunny. I am NOT submissive. I can assure you of that. I am a brat, I hate being told what to do and I, honestly, have no desire to be in a D/s dynamic. I haven't explored everything - I'm a bit of a rope slut and get caught up in being tied more than anything else - but I'm getting there.

--------------------------​

To answer a few questions:

Shibari
When I am tied, I melt. Shibari has never been sexual for me. I know I just admitted that I had sex the first time I tried it. However, I had sex with him because I was attracted to him, not turned on by the rope.

When I am tied, I hit ropespace. Ropespace, to those who don't know, is like subspace but it is different. During a certain point of being tied, you may (or may not, not everyone gets ropespace) start experiencing an influx of hormones (namely dopamine and epinephrine). I experience these influxes in waves. It is glorious. I feel like I'm floating.

I feel safe in rope. The people who I let tie me, I trust with my life (literally) and when they manipulate me with rope, I feel so... at peace? Relaxed? Content?

The world melts away and all that matters is me, that person and the rope that connects us. The intimacy I feel with these partners is not something to be disregarded. It is deep, it is fierce. I love these people more than most of my sexual conquests. These people are my friends and we have a trust and understanding on a level I can't explain.

Rope, to me, is nonsexual. I know it's not the same for everyone. I know that it can make me excited, make me lightheaded, make me peaceful, make me cry, make me moan... yet at no time during a scene do I think, "you know what would really improve this scene? A bit of penis." I'm often so detached from the realms of thinking that I don't need that type of pleasure combined with the pure feelings I do get.

If I had to choose between rope and sex, I'd choose rope...because I can always give myself an orgasm, I can't give myself ropespace without rope.

Masochism
This, conversely, is a turn on for me. However, I still don't mix the sex with pain (other than a spanking in the bedroom). I guess I'd say it's sexual in the very primal sense of the meaning. You hurt me, I moan and get excited. My body reacts.

I guess the three main reasons I don't mix the two is:

1. The relationship you share with a play partner is intense already, adding sex to it would only make it a mind fuck for me.
2. I don't need to. The pleasure from being hit/beaten is enough for me.
3. I often get rope AND pain in the same session, as rope is asexual for me, I am sated without any sexual play.

I treat masochism in 2 ways, physical and emotional. I like to be hit for the sake of it feeling good. I sometimes need to be hit in order to release emotions. I bottle my feelings up more often than not. In fact, if you're on fet, I wrote a piece called "I am an emotional masochist" under the same screenname, should you want to peruse it for clarity. (I'm not sure if that's allowed, if not, you can delete these two sentences.)

--------------------------​

Now, let me clarify the "no sexual contact". Of course people touch my "naughty bits", they just don't do it with the intention of making me orgasm. For example, I like nipple torture (to some degree, my piercings have really decreased my pain threshold)!
I also like having my cunt spanked/paddled/slapped/whipped with rope.

All this being said, I RARELY play naked. I usually AT LEAST wear underwear. This is mainly because it's comfortable, I don't feel like I'm tempting my play partners and there's no real need for me to be naked in front of them. That's not to say they haven't seen me naked... and it's not to say I don't find them attractive. I truly do. I think it adds to the play sessions if you fancy them, even if it's a nonsexual scene.

All that being said, that's how I practice non-sexual kink.

Any questions?

 

[MeekMe]

This is so interesting.

I have had times in which I would read and get turned on, but then wouldn't masturbate. It was enjoyable, but rarely is that something I do. It's frustrating most times to not orgasm.

As for rope space, I've heard of this. I would really love to try rope bondage, I've always loved how it looks. So pretty.

I wonder about subspace, too. I dunno if I've ever reached that or if I'll ever reach it. These are all things I will be thinking about for a while.

Thanks for the interesting insight.

 

[KoPilot]

If I had to choose between rope and sex, I'd choose rope...because I can always give myself an orgasm, I can't give myself ropespace without rope.

Love this~

 

[CutieMouse]

I have a pretty strong service streak in me. Like to the point that I made housekeeping part of the agreement with one of The Men™, and when things ended, had to turn down his request to continue taking care of the house [paid].

Making his home a calm, peaceful and welcoming place to come home to... was part of sex [to me]. It wasn't overtly sexual. I wasn't scrubbing the shower while having screaming orgasms or anything, but there was a significant degree of intimacy there, to know I took care of all the little things that meant a lot to him.

When things ended and I commented that I was really going to miss sex, I had to explain that for me, the sex wasn't just the sex. It was all the little catering-to-his-needs stuff, too. I miss not having someone to take care of.

 

[Netzach]

They just kind of function on two different axes for me. Power junk is kind of being turned on WITH someone or AROUND someone, while having an intense job to do at the same time and fucking is being turned on AT someone. I can be having great sex, and even great highly sexual partner BDSM and I still love the chance to make someone beat on his nutsack and dance like a monkey, because it's a different itch.

Oh, I also like being tied, a lot. But that's zen and I just kind of go away, and if you start messing with my pussy and tits you'd better keep me tied because I will probably kill you. For me there's no faster way to fuck up a perfect bondage experience.

I'm very interested in animal and age play as long as they are non-sexual spaces. I feel like sexualization either breaks the fantasy or puts me into a VERY fucked up mindspace (would never actually do it with the real thing, won't do it if you flag animal or little.)

 

[KinkyPan]

They just kind of function on two different axes for me. Power junk is kind of being turned on WITH someone or AROUND someone, while having an intense job to do at the same time and fucking is being turned on AT someone. I can be having great sex, and even great highly sexual partner BDSM and I still love the chance to make someone beat on his nutsack and dance like a monkey, because it's a different itch.

Oh, I also like being tied, a lot. But that's zen and I just kind of go away, and if you start messing with my pussy and tits you'd better keep me tied because I will probably kill you.

I like that. "It's a different itch."

Sometimes when I'm topping someone it's like hard flirtation. I can get turned on, but it doesn't mean I want to fuck them. Sometimes I do, but other times it would be a nuisance, a distraction from my enjoyment of flogging or humiliating or what have you.

That said, my motivation is still sexual, because for me it's a sexual feeling I get when I do those things. But orgasm -- mine or theirs -- isn't always the goal. I think that's the closest I get to nonsexual BDSM.

I think I sort of begin to understand through the vivid words of a few posters, but I don't think I ever leave the realm of the sexual completely while doing BDSM like KoPilot and Anonymity90 seem to.

I think the only time I could do this would be if I had no attraction to the person I was doing stuff with -- if I had accepted a certain offer to do Dommely stuff for money I think I would have found a completely nonsexual pleasure in it, but as it is I've only played with people I want to bang, so it's hard to be sure.

 

[Netzach]

Topping and orgasms. Hm.

It's not that I find orgasms and penetration dis-empowering, I just find them kind of like bringing a tennis racquet to play Boggle.

I felt a lot of this tension before being pro and after being pro. I honestly can say that sometimes I miss pro sessions. Just because I wasn't doing it with them doesn't mean I wasn't getting off like crazy on it later. There's the delayed response thing, also.

 

[Que]

I have a pretty strong service streak in me. Like to the point that I made housekeeping part of the agreement with one of The Men™, and when things ended, had to turn down his request to continue taking care of the house [paid].

Making his home a calm, peaceful and welcoming place to come home to... was part of sex [to me]. It wasn't overtly sexual. I wasn't scrubbing the shower while having screaming orgasms or anything, but there was a significant degree of intimacy there, to know I took care of all the little things that meant a lot to him.

When things ended and I commented that I was really going to miss sex, I had to explain that for me, the sex wasn't just the sex. It was all the little catering-to-his-needs stuff, too. I miss not having someone to take care of.

I just came in my shorts.

You know how on shows like bewitched there was always an evil twin or cousin or some-such? I think I spent nearly 20 years with your evil twin.

 

[MeekMe]

I have a pretty strong service streak in me.

Making his home a calm, peaceful and welcoming place to come home to... was part of sex [to me].

I can relate to this. I've always found house work to be something I really enjoy doing because I want Mister to be comfortable. Cleaning, making dinner... Sometimes it's like foreplay for me.

Thanks CutieMouse, your posts always seem to say the right things for me.

 

[Primalex]

They just kind of function on two different axes for me.

This.

The question about how to have non-sexual BDSM is as alien to me as the question how to party with non-alcoholic beverages.

 

[zowiegus]

This is so interesting...living on the edge with someone you could trust...not sure if I would be a sub or a Domme. Non~sexual BDSM sounds captivating as well...

 

[Relentless0ne]

I am the big letter within in a 24/7 TPE relationship. There's a whole lot more to this dynamic in my situation than chains and whips. There's a non-sexual, yet strong BDSM facet to our relationship dynamic. She needs to please. I need to be pleased. It works for us, it pings our individual sensors and defines how we're each the yin to the other's yang. Whereby one balances out and complements the other.

My S.O.'s deep seated need to please me comes out via the unscripted act or deeds committed by her, and without me asking for " X,Y or Z " most of the time. Or its at my inquiry regarding a specific task the remainder of the time. ( I'm talking household or general domestic tasks mostly. Or cooking healthy food to sustain us health-wise ) In any event........her performance is always met with genuine gratitude on my part. I believe in " please and thank you ". I lead with praise and positive reinforcements. It's just my inherit style. One that works for us.

When you appreciate someone's efforts, let them know. They deserve it. Period. A simple " good girl " while making eye contact and accented by touch on the arm or a comforting hug goes a long way towards keeping continuity within a relationship dynamic of any type.

JMO.....

 

[Dyslexicea]

I can relate to this. I've always found house work to be something I really enjoy doing because I want Mister to be comfortable. Cleaning, making dinner... Sometimes it's like foreplay for me.

Thanks CutieMouse, your posts always seem to say the right things for me.

Likewise for me, although we aren't 24/7 and we are new to D/s, I do tend to take more responsibility for those, to me, boring household chores and I do so for her but at times I just say no it's your turn.

I get turned on, but it's not really directed at anything. I've also learned that I actually enjoy just the feeling of arousal

I think at this point, my desired end-game is actually "subspace".

I do understand your point about arousal being enough. We do at times just make out, actually quite often, at times it does lead to passionate carnal lustful sex but most of the time it's a means and an end of itself. I'm very aroused but I have no desire or need for an orgasm. After long periods of making out I wouldn't say the end is like subspace but it's still a space of its own and a wonderful place to be. I wonder if those of you who happen to be with a man can ever get to that place, it seems to me for men making out is only the means to end up in your panties.

 

[KoPilot]

I do understand your point about arousal being enough. We do at times just make out, actually quite often, at times it does lead to passionate carnal lustful sex but most of the time it's a means and an end of itself. I'm very aroused but I have no desire or need for an orgasm. After long periods of making out I wouldn't say the end is like subspace but it's still a space of its own and a wonderful place to be. I wonder if those of you who happen to be with a man can ever get to that place, it seems to me for men making out is only the means to end up in your panties.

I really think there's something to this. The typical narrative of What Romance And Intimacy Looks Like is weird and shot all to hell.

Feeling obligated to follow steps 1-10 is rarely ever what I actually want to do. Sometimes I want to just go from 1-3, without even caring that there's a 4. Sometimes I want to just start at 8, and just have him turn around and put his dick in my mouth while I'm on the couch with a book.

The escalation thing is a really irksome concept to me, and it's something that S and I have both had to realize we weren't actually happy with being told that it's the right way to do things. I'm pretty sure that cock culture started this.

But the rest of what you said interests me too. There are all kinds of headspaces to achieve without the use of sex. Ropespace, subspace, and another that I'm really excited about exploring: petspace. I don't think I have a problem with being naked or sexy or done up in PVC for pet play? But I'm realizing that sex might ruin it for me most of the time.

 

[Netzach]

Likewise for me, although we aren't 24/7 and we are new to D/s, I do tend to take more responsibility for those, to me, boring household chores and I do so for her but at times I just say no it's your turn.



I do understand your point about arousal being enough. We do at times just make out, actually quite often, at times it does lead to passionate carnal lustful sex but most of the time it's a means and an end of itself. I'm very aroused but I have no desire or need for an orgasm. After long periods of making out I wouldn't say the end is like subspace but it's still a space of its own and a wonderful place to be. I wonder if those of you who happen to be with a man can ever get to that place, it seems to me for men making out is only the means to end up in your panties.

I've had a lot of man sex that has the dynamics of girl sex, but I tend to be pretty clear about my requirements, and I have a no-straight-guys policy. They may look like carnal hairy dickweeds, but they're sensually starved femmes in the sheets.

 

[Netzach]

I really think there's something to this. The typical narrative of What Romance And Intimacy Looks Like is weird and shot all to hell.

Feeling obligated to follow steps 1-10 is rarely ever what I actually want to do. Sometimes I want to just go from 1-3, without even caring that there's a 4. Sometimes I want to just start at 8, and just have him turn around and put his dick in my mouth while I'm on the couch with a book.

The escalation thing is a really irksome concept to me, and it's something that S and I have both had to realize we weren't actually happy with being told that it's the right way to do things. I'm pretty sure that cock culture started this.

But the rest of what you said interests me too. There are all kinds of headspaces to achieve without the use of sex. Ropespace, subspace, and another that I'm really excited about exploring: petspace. I don't think I have a problem with being naked or sexy or done up in PVC for pet play? But I'm realizing that sex might ruin it for me most of the time.

I feel ya, there's just something disturbing about another non-dog fucking the dog!

 

[anonymity90]

There are all kinds of headspaces to achieve without the use of sex. Ropespace, subspace, and another that I'm really excited about exploring: petspace. I don't think I have a problem with being naked or sexy or done up in PVC for pet play? But I'm realizing that sex might ruin it for me most of the time.

+1
So very true.

Also, petplay <3

Another (completely) non-sexual kink for me.

Miaow purr *nuzzle* >^,^<

 

[Pachet]

There are some types of play I like so much that I'd do them even if there was no sexuality involved, although I much prefer there to be.

 

[pedal_dew]

a shared perspective

I have a pretty strong service streak in me. Like to the point that I made housekeeping part of the agreement with one of The Men™, and when things ended, had to turn down his request to continue taking care of the house [paid].

Making his home a calm, peaceful and welcoming place to come home to... was part of sex [to me]. It wasn't overtly sexual. I wasn't scrubbing the shower while having screaming orgasms or anything, but there was a significant degree of intimacy there, to know I took care of all the little things that meant a lot to him.

When things ended and I commented that I was really going to miss sex, I had to explain that for me, the sex wasn't just the sex. It was all the little catering-to-his-needs stuff, too. I miss not having someone to take care of.

Wow...I share this perspective, which I thought was "just me." The scant experience I've had as a submissive is very much wrapped up in a keen desire to serve, which is not at all evident in my everyday personality (I tend to be assertive, sometimes aggressive). In certain intimate situations, I've discovered that submissive sexuality is just one dimension of the need to be of service. Submissive sex by itself would be meaningless to me, I think.