How to address unfulfilled desires within an otherwise happy relationship

[knot_sweet]

Your wife doesn't seem to have a problem with you being in control as you mentioned she was happy to masturbate with a vibe in front of you when you suggested it.

Perhaps it's that her interest in being controlled is less...physical...than yours?

You would like ropes and light spankings, maybe she would be happier with verbal restraint commands like "Don't move" or "Stay still while I please you"

You also mentioned she isn't too keen on making a lot of noise, so perhaps you could play on this with a suggestion to be very very quiet.

You could also try using your own body as a restraint. Hold her hands above her head while you have sex, watch her face and tell her how much you enjoy seeing her orgasm.

Instead of blindfolds, ask her to close her eyes. On the flipside, ask her to watch so she can see how much you enjoy her pleasure. That's quite an intimate thing all in itself.

I guess the question is more about whether it's the appeal of the physical trappings of rope etc (which I totally get) or the actual act of service topping that you're interested in?

If the appeal of the rope and trappings, then you're not going to have much luck. If it's option two, you may have more luck if you're willing to be more flexible on how you achieve that.

Either way, I really do wish you the very best. It sounds like you love your wife very much, and I hope it works out for you.

 

[Mindfondler]

Wow... so many new postings! I'm extremely grateful for those insightful and comprehensive replies. I won't quote them here in full, but please be assured that I've read them all thoroughly and found them most helpful.

hmmm... maybe she is repressing something?

I find it significant that several people are saying this. As I said, I'm not aware of any traumatic memories that might explain my wife's inhibitions, but I suppose that a related factor might be an underlying belief system that was instilled into her at an early age -- perhaps even one that she's unable to articulate consciously.

her reaction to your suggestion leads me to believe that maybe there are some fantasies lurking in her mind but she doesn't feel comfortable saying it. i can't imagine her not having any fantasies at all. it sounds more like some nervousness about discussing it.

You may be right. I remember that I once seemed to "catch" my wife indulging in a fantasy, as we watched a porn video together. I spotted a dreamy expression in her eyes which suggested that she was fixated on a particular scene. I didn't comment at the time but I later whispered in her ear about it during foreplay, and it appeared to get her juices flowing. Subsequently, though, she didn't pick up on it when I mentioned it to her during normal conversation. Perhaps she wasn't comfortable saying it, or maybe it only registered with her at a subconscious level.

i got more interested in trying new things when i started to read more erotica and also made some new friendships with women that were very open about their sexuality. the combo of those things pushed me to want to try new stuff so i started sharing a lot more of my fantasies with my hubby.

That's inspiring! As far as I know, my wife hasn't had any female friends who have provided her with positive role models on sex to offset her traditional upbringing. I imagine that it would be a big step forward for her to be reassured by women whom she respects that new ideas can be not only "okay", but also exciting and fulfilling. Unfortunately, sex doesn't appear to be a regular topic of conversation within her current circle of friends.

i would suggest that you keep talking to her and asking what she likes and wants more of in bed. if she start sharing more in that regard, then maybe try to ask about fantasies. maybe ask if she'll read a story on here with you and let her pick a category.

OK. I've done that from time to time in the past and my wife has given me her familiar indifferent and non-committal responses. I'll keep trying, though.

i would not give up. i would try to work on baby steps and be as supportive as possible without being pushy. it was well worth the battle for me because sex is fun and liberating now rather than worrying about whether i am staying in the boundaries of what a lady should be like in bed. best of luck!

I'm very glad to hear that it has worked out for you. That's encouraging news for me.

It sounds like your wife enjoys sex, but as you said, it seems to be bound in the realm of 'traditional' sex, of penetrative vaginal sex. She enjoys oral sex it sounds like, but doesn't want you to do it on her, probably because she deep down feels it is wrong I would guess.

That explanation does seem to fit the evidence, although I've not heard my wife confirm that directly.

My wife had a comment about that, about the (5x10) book Stella wants to nuke the author's house for writing (okay, I was joking, she would settle for plastic explosives), that people miss the point, that the reason so many middle aged housewifes seem to be getting off on it isn't the BD/SM aspects or anything close to it, that it was also about it hitting them that they have the right to have pleasure for themselves...

My wife has been reading "50 Shades" and finding it... odd. She isn't uncomfortable with it (although she finds it far-fetched) but it doesn't seem to arouse her much either. She commented to me that she's reading it more out of curiosity than in dedicated page-turning anticipation of what's coming up next.

Unfortunately, there is no way to know unless she is willing to talk about it, which may be part of the problem. She may tell you "I am not into that, pure and simple", but the fact that she has trouble with you doing even non kink things, like oral on her, tells me it may be more than that........and underlying what she may very well be saying is "I can't go there, I am a wife and mother, I can't do that".

I think the interplay between my wife's various roles may be an important factor. She's a wife, a mother and a doting daughter with a responsible job. Obviously, what's acceptable in one role wouldn't be appropriate in another. It's definitely a practical issue for her and possibly a psychological one as well.

I wonder if maybe she is afraid that if she does it and likes it, it will lead to a slippery slope or something.

I see how that might be a possibility, although I have no idea what it could be that my wife fears at the bottom of the slippery slope.

It sounds like you guys already have a good relationship, could I suggest something? If this is an issue that is between you, could I suggest couples counseling with someone trained in sexuality? It could be your wife needs someone to talk to about it, to hear it is okay, and more importantly, to allow you guys at least to discuss it.

I was wondering about that myself. Indeed, I mentioned it briefly to my wife as a positive option for us both, and she didn't seem resistant to the idea. I imagine that a female counsellor might be appropriate for my wife as an unthreatening sounding board and role model. I'd be okay with that.

I wish you luck, I hope it works out.

Thanks!

She doesn't like being helpless, which is something different than not having control.

My advice would be to increase the control play, without turning her into a helpless victim. Basically you already did - she did listen to you, she masturbated the way you wanted. That you didn't shout orders like a staff sergeant doesn't matter.

I think easiest from here on will be subtle orgasm control. Right now, in both of your minds, it's merely consensual sex when you say something and she does it. She has to associate the orgasm with you being in control.

Once she got used to light orgasm control and denial, make her get used to being restricted in her possible actions. For example, when she is all hot and bothered, tell her that she needs to grip the headboard (or whatever is reasonable) for you to continue. When she does, continue, when she does not or stops, tease her, but don't continue either. Keep it playful - better to give up for the moment than being too strict (sometimes, it's just the wrong mood of the people, not that they wouldn't enjoy it).

Thanks for those ideas. I'll try to incorporate them into our play in subtle ways. I take your point that it's a journey that we need to undertake slowly, gently and light-heartedly.

Let her read some of the stories and pick out her favorites.

Maybe you will get a better understanding of what gets her attention.

I wish it were that straightforward! As I mentioned above, I've tried that before and my wife hasn't really engaged with the activity. I won't give up, though.

Your wife doesn't seem to have a problem with you being in control as you mentioned she was happy to masturbate with a vibe in front of you when you suggested it.

Perhaps it's that her interest in being controlled is less...physical...than yours?

You would like ropes and light spankings, maybe she would be happier with verbal restraint commands like "Don't move" or "Stay still while I please you"

That's a fascinating insight and an important distinction that hadn't occurred to me before. Many thanks for explaining it so clearly, and thereby giving me a new perspective to explore.

You also mentioned she isn't too keen on making a lot of noise, so perhaps you could play on this with a suggestion to be very very quiet.

You could also try using your own body as a restraint. Hold her hands above her head while you have sex, watch her face and tell her how much you enjoy seeing her orgasm.

Instead of blindfolds, ask her to close her eyes. On the flipside, ask her to watch so she can see how much you enjoy her pleasure. That's quite an intimate thing all in itself.

I understand your point -- swapping the physical constraints for verbal ones. Intriguing!

I guess the question is more about whether it's the appeal of the physical trappings of rope etc (which I totally get) or the actual act of service topping that you're interested in?

If the appeal of the rope and trappings, then you're not going to have much luck. If it's option two, you may have more luck if you're willing to be more flexible on how you achieve that.

I'm not yet sure which one applies to me (or if it's a mixture of both). After all, it's an aspect of myself that I haven't been able to explore before. I must admit that the visual appeal of physical trappings is a turn-on for me, but I'm also strongly motivated by the psychology. I guess that only time will tell which one has the bigger pull on me.

Either way, I really do wish you the very best. It sounds like you love your wife very much, and I hope it works out for you.

Thanks very much! I appreciate your good wishes.
.

 

[unicorn64]

I love this story. I tried for years to tell my husband I wanted something like that but he is so vanilla . It never happened and it won't happen now because he is too weak and too far gone with dementia and ed. I didn't know exactly the terms and parts of my body but I knew I wan unfulfilled and had never had an orgasm. I had read a similar story that turned me on and had him read it but he didn't get the hint then nor does he understand now. Once dementia and sexual disfunction take over it is too late. I told him the other day I wanted something similar but he said he would never hurt me and I know he isn't strong enough anymore to do any of it. Ladies and men if you need somthing like this speak up specifically before it is too late for your partner to be able to do it.

 

[BrightlyGo]

I find it significant that several people are saying this. As I said, I'm not aware of any traumatic memories that might explain my wife's inhibitions, but I suppose that a related factor might be an underlying belief system that was instilled into her at an early age -- perhaps even one that she's unable to articulate consciously.

i was thinking repressing desires rather than memories. i find it odd for someone who's able to enjoy sex to claim to have no fantasies - the inference would be that she has fantasies, but is afraid or ashamed to share them. if she's afraid of making too much noise or otherwise embarrassing herself during sex, that points to her having desires she's not comfortable owning up to.

They may not correspond with yours, though.

And that's just wild speculation.

You did say that you both waited until marriage, that would seem to indicate a strong belief system that has restrictive ideas about sex, wouldn't it?

 

[l1sha]

Since she's not turned on by the idea in your fantasy, it's very possible it won't give her pleasure when and if she agrees to try to fulfill it. Your fantasy has a built-in conundrum by requiring her to enjoy it. If you had a fantasy of tying her up and blindfolding her and having your way with her and not caring whether she enjoys it or not, then it could be fulfilled simply by her agreeing to it. If she ended up enjoying it, it would be a bonus, but not a requirement.

If this is really about giving HER pleasure then listen when she tells you what does and doesn't give her pleasure, and do that. If it's really about your own pleasure, which is totally fine, then go at it from that perspective. Tell her it's for your pleasure. Offer a trade. You do this for me and I'll do that for you. Or maybe she'd enjoy making your pleasure a priority. But telling her to do something she doesn't want/like while saying it's for HER pleasure kind of doesn't work.

 

[eastern sun]

Since she's not turned on by the idea in your fantasy, it's very possible it won't give her pleasure when and if she agrees to try to fulfill it. Your fantasy has a built-in conundrum by requiring her to enjoy it. If you had a fantasy of tying her up and blindfolding her and having your way with her and not caring whether she enjoys it or not, then it could be fulfilled simply by her agreeing to it. If she ended up enjoying it, it would be a bonus, but not a requirement.

If this is really about giving HER pleasure then listen when she tells you what does and doesn't give her pleasure, and do that. If it's really about your own pleasure, which is totally fine, then go at it from that perspective. Tell her it's for your pleasure. Offer a trade. You do this for me and I'll do that for you. Or maybe she'd enjoy making your pleasure a priority. But telling her to do something she doesn't want/like while saying it's for HER pleasure kind of doesn't work.

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly.

 

[midwestyankee]

Have you considered suggesting the reverse of your intended scene? That is, instead of putting her at the center of attention (which has its own inherent pressures - or could be perceived to have them), ask her to take charge of pleasuring you as she sees fit. If she goes along, she may enjoy the imbalance and wonder what it would be like to be on the receiving end.

 

[Mindfondler]

Thanks for the extra replies! Once again, I'll be selective in my quoting, but I can assure everyone who has posted that I have read their entire contribution with great interest.

I love this story.

I'm not sure whether you mean my story (which is still unfolding), or the Lit story that I linked (which I agree is great).

I tried for years to tell my husband I wanted something like that but he is so vanilla . It never happened and it won't happen now because he is too weak and too far gone with dementia and ed.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

Ladies and men if you need somthing like this speak up specifically before it is too late for your partner to be able to do it.

I trust that others will heed your advice.

i find it odd for someone who's able to enjoy sex to claim to have no fantasies - the inference would be that she has fantasies, but is afraid or ashamed to share them. if she's afraid of making too much noise or otherwise embarrassing herself during sex, that points to her having desires she's not comfortable owning up to.

I tried a little experiment today which I think confirms this. I'll explain more at the end of this posting.

You did say that you both waited until marriage, that would seem to indicate a strong belief system that has restrictive ideas about sex, wouldn't it?

Yes. When I asked my wife about this, she said that it was just the way that she was brought up. I believe that her beliefs are parental rather than religious in origin. I can think of other examples of dogma that my wife continues to apply which seem archaic (for example, not wishing to switch on the television before midday).

Since she's not turned on by the idea in your fantasy, it's very possible it won't give her pleasure when and if she agrees to try to fulfill it. Your fantasy has a built-in conundrum by requiring her to enjoy it.

Yes -- and I realise that the conundrum is almost comical. I'd like my wife to do something for me that I think I'd enjoy (although I'm not sure about that), but I don't know whether she would enjoy it too. I don't want to pressurise my wife to try it in case she doesn't enjoy it, in which case I won't enjoy it either, and so I won't ask her directly about it and I'm trying to be a mind-reader instead.

If you had a fantasy of tying her up and blindfolding her and having your way with her and not caring whether she enjoys it or not, then it could be fulfilled simply by her agreeing to it. If she ended up enjoying it, it would be a bonus, but not a requirement.

Hmm... yes! I'd be okay with that if I believed that her agreement was genuine and achieved fairly.

If this is really about giving HER pleasure then listen when she tells you what does and doesn't give her pleasure, and do that. If it's really about your own pleasure, which is totally fine, then go at it from that perspective. Tell her it's for your pleasure. Offer a trade. You do this for me and I'll do that for you. Or maybe she'd enjoy making your pleasure a priority. But telling her to do something she doesn't want/like while saying it's for HER pleasure kind of doesn't work.

I'm smiling at the way that you've very gently persuaded me of something that probably should have been obvious to me from the beginning: that I'm partly driven by a selfish agenda here, and that positive negotiation with my wife is therefore likely to be the best way forward.

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm finding a great deal of wisdom in these replies.

Have you considered suggesting the reverse of your intended scene? That is, instead of putting her at the center of attention (which has its own inherent pressures - or could be perceived to have them), ask her to take charge of pleasuring you as she sees fit. If she goes along, she may enjoy the imbalance and wonder what it would be like to be on the receiving end.

That's an intriguing idea... and it could be a win-win scenario! Thanks very much for the suggestion.

As I mentioned earlier, I tried a little experiment today to test whether my wife really has no interest in pursuits beyond vanilla sex or is just embarrassed to say so. I surprised her by unexpectedly whispering in her ear a kinky scenario and how we could play it together. I think her instant reaction was revealing. She blushed a deep pink, giggled nervously and then peeped at me in coy astonishment. I told my wife that it was a serious suggestion, and that if she liked the idea, then she didn't need to say anything and I would see to it. She continued to blush at me with an inscrutable smile on her face, and remained silent. I didn't get the impression that she was scared or uninterested.

I'm crossing my fingers that I've read this one correctly.
.

 

[Felonious1]

I hope that I'm posting in the right area for this question! I'm seeking advice and support on how to cope with an unfulfilled desire in the realm of BDSM which is the sticking point in an otherwise successful long-term relationship. I'd be grateful to hear from anyone with any constructive ideas.

I've been married to my wife for nearly twenty years. We're happy together in almost all respects, but I've been constantly troubled by an area of sexual incompatibility that is now becoming a major frustration.

In some ways, I think our story is a cautionary tale about the "no sex before marriage" dogma. Neither my wife nor I had any experience before we were married, and no idea of what our respective tastes might be. I think we were lucky to find ourselves mostly compatible for so long, but I've always been aware that something has been missing for me.

I get excited by the thought of control play involving light bondage -- for example, restraining and blindfolding my wife, and then pleasuring her caringly with touch and toys in order to direct her under my control through repeated orgasms. I'm not interested in anything even vaguely extreme or violent, apart from a bit of playful spanking. My wife, though, has never seemed at all keen on this. She doesn't appear to find the idea offensive, but she shows no interest and gives me a firm "no" if I make any moves in this direction. I don't wish to pressurise her, so I haven't been pushing the point, and I've only mentioned it occasionally to her after a long run of "vanilla" sex (which appears to satisfy her but not me). Apart from a few ambiguous moments, my wife has remained resolutely uninterested.

Last night, I tried an experiment to try to determine whether my wife's apparent lack of interest was genuine or due to suppression of an underlying desire. I asked her to relax on the couch while I read to her a story about dominance/control play. I chose this one, as I felt that it was a well-written story and a positive expression of the point of view of a female sub, as well as describing the sort of activity that I'd like to carry out:

http://www.literotica.com/s/dominating-vanessa

I also suggested to my wife that she utilised her clit vibrator on a low setting while I was reading the story, with the option of turning it up if she felt the urge. She was happy to do this openly.

I read out the story to my wife from start to end, and I gave it my all, taking it slowly and putting my heart into the expression, whilst also picking up the pace at suitable moments. Disappointingly, my wife didn't show *any* obvious reactions, despite my efforts to emphasise the parts that I thought were hot -- she remained still and kept the vibe on its low setting throughout.

After I finished the story, I asked my wife how she was feeling and she replied "relaxed". I asked whether she had liked any aspects of the story, and she gave a non-committal response, saying that she had just enjoyed hearing the sound of my voice. When I pressed her further, she said that the story hadn't really got her going, although she didn't seem offended by it. My wife wondered aloud whether it might have worked better if she had tried to imagine herself in the female role rather than just listening passively, but I find it difficult to believe that she wouldn't have found herself sucked into this anyway if the story had any traction with her.

I'm at a loss to know what to do now. My wife understands that I'm feeling unfulfilled, but we're still on good terms. She has offered me more sex, but hasn't shown any keenness to explore these desires of mine. Frankly, that's okay with me because I wouldn't wish her to go through the motions of something that she just isn't comfortable with, and it wouldn't work for me anyway if I sensed that.

Just to be clear again: I'm definitely not looking for an affair and I'd prefer not to have to find any other kind of secret outlet to address my wants. At the same time, I'm getting very frustrated that I'm holding deep desires that I know are probably never going to be met. I've even started to harbour negative thoughts about myself, wondering whether my desires are too perverted, worrying that I'm jeopardising an otherwise happy marriage over something trivial, and questioning my own sexual attractiveness to my wife.

Thanks for reading this far. I'd greatly appreciate any help.

MF
.

I've highlighted part of YOUR problem.......

You're obviously not comfortable and confident in regards to your big letter sexual desires. An insecure mindset bleeds over into other facets of your M.O. Trust me, it can't be hidden, and your uncertainty is especially visible to a long term relationship partner.

So its not surprising to me that your wife isn't buying what your selling.

I know this because I once was where you are mentally. I once tried to reprogram a partner and change the sexual boundaries after the rules of the game had been established via non-BDSM acts/actions. My own M.O. I had wrongly kept hidden beforehand were revealed once I had the confidence to do so. Then my kink desires became a stumbling block rooted in unrealistic expectations I placed on her. Which only caused frustration for both of us. The lack of positive feedback and willing participation eroded my confidence even more during that time. ( I left that relationship for other non-kink related issues, thankfully ending the sexual incompatibility issue )

If you're truly exhibiting the Dom vibe and traits, you might very well be able to lead her into exploring, and thus cultivating, her potential submissiveness? A win-win all around.

OTOH........you can't extract from her what's not there. Unacceptable, unrealistic expectations will only bring on more frustrations from both camps. Thereby straining what you label as an otherwise healthy and fulfilling relationship.

If it becomes evident that your partner isn't truly sexually submissive, tough choices have to be made. Life decisions that have life changing consequences.

Good luck.......

 

[KoPilot]

I've highlighted part of YOUR problem.......

You're obviously not comfortable and confident in regards to your big letter sexual desires. An insecure mindset bleeds over into other facets of your M.O. Trust me, it can't be hidden, and your uncertainty is especially visible to a long term relationship partner.

So its not surprising to me that your wife isn't buying what your selling.

I know this because I once was where you are mentally. I once tried to reprogram a partner and change the sexual boundaries after the rules of the game had been established via non-BDSM acts/actions. My own M.O. I had wrongly kept hidden beforehand were revealed once I had the confidence to do so. Then my kink desires became a stumbling block rooted in unrealistic expectations I placed on her. Which only caused frustration for both of us. The lack of positive feedback and willing participation eroded my confidence even more during that time. ( I left that relationship for other non-kink related issues, thankfully ending the sexual incompatibility issue )

If you're truly exhibiting the Dom vibe and traits, you might very well be able to lead her into exploring, and thus cultivating, her potential submissiveness? A win-win all around.

OTOH........you can't extract from her what's not there. Unacceptable, unrealistic expectations will only bring on more frustrations from both camps. Thereby straining what you label as an otherwise healthy and fulfilling relationship.

If it becomes evident that your partner isn't truly sexually submissive, tough choices have to be made. Life decisions that have life changing consequences.

Good luck.......

Ok speaking from experience, it is quite possible to have deep-seated desires that will never get met in any meaningful way and be in a good, healthy, relationship with a mostly satisfying sex life. (I say "mostly" because it's never going to be 100% without that thing that you can't get.)

I have a fetish that gnaws at the marrow of my bones every day of my life that is physically impossible to satiate, and I make do. Yeah, you go through bouts of self-loathing once in a blue moon, you go through periods of doubt. But there are ways to cope that aren't all miserable and pathetic and self-sacrifice-y.

Yeah, for most others I guess it would be a question of whether or not staying with the partner is worth not getting the thing. But if that's off the table (and for me, there'd be no point, I couldn't get the thing anywhere), then just know that you can kind of take some semblance of control and live the rest of your life and relationship pretty darned happy, all things considered.

 

[FurryFury]

I so agree.

Ok speaking from experience, it is quite possible to have deep-seated desires that will never get met in any meaningful way and be in a good, healthy, relationship with a mostly satisfying sex life. (I say "mostly" because it's never going to be 100% without that thing that you can't get.)

I have a fetish that gnaws at the marrow of my bones every day of my life that is physically impossible to satiate, and I make do. Yeah, you go through bouts of self-loathing once in a blue moon, you go through periods of doubt. But there are ways to cope that aren't all miserable and pathetic and self-sacrifice-y.

Yeah, for most others I guess it would be a question of whether or not staying with the partner is worth not getting the thing. But if that's off the table (and for me, there'd be no point, I couldn't get the thing anywhere), then just know that you can kind of take some semblance of control and live the rest of your life and relationship pretty darned happy, all things considered.

 

[BrightlyGo]

I told my wife that it was a serious suggestion, and that if she liked the idea, then she didn't need to say anything and I would see to it. She continued to blush at me with an inscrutable smile on her face, and remained silent. I didn't get the impression that she was scared or uninterested.

encouraging...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ok speaking from experience, it is quite possible to have deep-seated desires that will never get met in any meaningful way and be in a good, healthy, relationship with a mostly satisfying sex life. (I say "mostly" because it's never going to be 100% without that thing that you can't get.)

I have a fetish that gnaws at the marrow of my bones every day of my life that is physically impossible to satiate, and I make do. Yeah, you go through bouts of self-loathing once in a blue moon, you go through periods of doubt. But there are ways to cope that aren't all miserable and pathetic and self-sacrifice-y.

Yeah, for most others I guess it would be a question of whether or not staying with the partner is worth not getting the thing. But if that's off the table (and for me, there'd be no point, I couldn't get the thing anywhere), then just know that you can kind of take some semblance of control and live the rest of your life and relationship pretty darned happy, all things considered.

It is, in fact, just that little bit easier when you know that what you want is utterly impossible to acheive. The day you find out that modern medicine has come along for you... kaboom.

 

[KoPilot]

It is, in fact, just that little bit easier when you know that what you want is utterly impossible to acheive. The day you find out that modern medicine has come along for you... kaboom.

Shrug. There are things that he definitely could do that would be pure indulgence for me, but they're not really on the table. I still live. Not saying that anyone should feel like they have to do the self-sacrifice thing, but I'm just saying that it's not impossible. And sometimes it's really not even that hard.

It would be like someone telling me that long-distance relationships never work out. I'd be like "uh... excuse me?" And then they'd try and congratulate me for my suffering and I'd have to awkwardly tell them there's really not a lot of suffering at all. And then cue them telling me that we probably don't love each other that much to begin with.

 

[Felonious1]

Ok speaking from experience, it is quite possible to have deep-seated desires that will never get met in any meaningful way and be in a good, healthy, relationship with a mostly satisfying sex life. (I say "mostly" because it's never going to be 100% without that thing that you can't get.)

I have a fetish that gnaws at the marrow of my bones every day of my life that is physically impossible to satiate, and I make do. Yeah, you go through bouts of self-loathing once in a blue moon, you go through periods of doubt. But there are ways to cope that aren't all miserable and pathetic and self-sacrifice-y.

Yeah, for most others I guess it would be a question of whether or not staying with the partner is worth not getting the thing. But if that's off the table (and for me, there'd be no point, I couldn't get the thing anywhere), then just know that you can kind of take some semblance of control and live the rest of your life and relationship pretty darned happy, all things considered.

I see where you're coming from. Yet its a different form of unfulfilled sexual frustration when the person who could potentially fulfill said fetish desires is right there in the flesh.......but not on your same mental plane when it comes to kinky desires.

 

[KoPilot]

I see where you're coming from. Yet its a different form of unfulfilled sexual frustration when the person who could potentially fulfill said fetish desires is right there in the flesh.......but not on your same mental plane when it comes to kinky desires.

See my above reply to Stella.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I was being narcissistic-- speaking about my need to replace my missing penis.

 

[desertslave]

Much of what's been shared sounds like a raging case of "good girls don't" to me. I have a few acquaintances who lend credence to the Bible Belt stereotypes of good wives who actually do enjoy sex but who would be mortified to admit it in public, and paralyzed by the opportunity to take an active role. Hallelujah if they actually move or cry out!

That's a steep wall to climb, but I think it can be done. She needs to become comfortable enough with her sexuality as it exists, though, before expanding those boundaries. I think whispering sweet nothings and little "what would happen if..." while being extremely accepting of ANY positive reaction (without over-emphasizing it later on) is an excellent first step.

How about just asking her to lay down, eyes closed, dressed in a way that's comfortable for her, and just start with small, sensual touches. Stroke her arms, her legs...focus on non-sexual touches, and talk to her in a soothing voice, encouraging her to imagine this as very subtle foreplay. Tell her to ask for where she'd like to be touched next. Build it up very slowly. You are giving her the sensations she enjoys, she is guiding you but also doing what you've asked of her. Just go with the flow and see what happens, and gradually build up to more intimate, arousing touches. Study her body, her face, her voice, and her reactions.

Next time, start with her clothes off.

 

[Mindfondler]

Sorry that I haven't replied on this thread for a while. I've been very busy, but I have still been reading the responses and I appreciate all of them.

I'll try to address the outstanding points that apply to me...

You're obviously not comfortable and confident in regards to your big letter sexual desires. An insecure mindset bleeds over into other facets of your M.O. Trust me, it can't be hidden, and your uncertainty is especially visible to a long term relationship partner.

So its not surprising to me that your wife isn't buying what your selling.

You're certainly correct that I'm not confident at the moment about expressing or implementing my desires, not least because they're still ill-defined within my own mind. Just because I think I like the idea of something as a fantasy doesn't necessarily mean that it would work for me in real life. I won't really know until I try it.

If you're truly exhibiting the Dom vibe and traits, you might very well be able to lead her into exploring, and thus cultivating, her potential submissiveness? A win-win all around.

OK. In that case, I have a lot to learn!

OTOH........you can't extract from her what's not there. Unacceptable, unrealistic expectations will only bring on more frustrations from both camps. Thereby straining what you label as an otherwise healthy and fulfilling relationship.

If it becomes evident that your partner isn't truly sexually submissive, tough choices have to be made. Life decisions that have life changing consequences.

I'm not sure that's necessary. Whilst I'm keen to explore some new ideas, I don't believe that it would be toxic to our relationship if this proves not to be possible at all. Even if my unfulfilled desires were to cause increased strain, I imagine that it might be possible for us to reach a workable compromise.

Yeah, for most others I guess it would be a question of whether or not staying with the partner is worth not getting the thing. But if that's off the table (and for me, there'd be no point, I couldn't get the thing anywhere), then just know that you can kind of take some semblance of control and live the rest of your life and relationship pretty darned happy, all things considered.

That's my thinking. My motivation for starting this thread was to explore possible options to explore within my existing relationship. My view on that remains unchanged, even after reading a wide range of thoughtful contributions. (Thanks to all, once again!)

Much of what's been shared sounds like a raging case of "good girls don't" to me. I have a few acquaintances who lend credence to the Bible Belt stereotypes of good wives who actually do enjoy sex but who would be mortified to admit it in public, and paralyzed by the opportunity to take an active role. Hallelujah if they actually move or cry out!

That's a steep wall to climb, but I think it can be done. She needs to become comfortable enough with her sexuality as it exists, though, before expanding those boundaries. I think whispering sweet nothings and little "what would happen if..." while being extremely accepting of ANY positive reaction (without over-emphasizing it later on) is an excellent first step.

OK. I can see that has the advantage of not over-committing my wife; it enables her to express interest in a scenario without having to play it out. That's much gentler than me saying "Hey... wanna let me tie you up!?" and expecting an affirmative response beyond "Errr...". (I'm not that blunt really, but hopefully the example demonstrates that I understand your point)

How about just asking her to lay down, eyes closed, dressed in a way that's comfortable for her, and just start with small, sensual touches. Stroke her arms, her legs...focus on non-sexual touches, and talk to her in a soothing voice, encouraging her to imagine this as very subtle foreplay. Tell her to ask for where she'd like to be touched next. Build it up very slowly. You are giving her the sensations she enjoys, she is guiding you but also doing what you've asked of her. Just go with the flow and see what happens, and gradually build up to more intimate, arousing touches. Study her body, her face, her voice, and her reactions.

I like this idea. It's based on the type of sensual play that my wife enjoys (especially if I bring out the massage oil and candles!) but with the added dimension of changing her role from passive to active by bringing in her own imagination. There's also a control element in that, if she fails to give me any guidance, then I could stop completely until she does.

Next time, start with her clothes off.

We may be able to do that first time around!
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