Ok, very serious question.......

[njlauren]

Ok, at least a well thought out post even though I disagree for the most part. At least it's not the burn that male at the stake post because he's not physically attracted to his over weight wife.

Anyway, I don't like the way I feel, I wish I didn't feel this way but I do. Also, we are not a couple who are in their 60's and slowing down, we are in our early 40's for crying out loud who travel extensively and eat at great restaurants etc etc, we live a good life on the business I built from scratch. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying our best to stay in shape for ourselves and for our child. I would like us both to be around in our 80's to see our grandchildren. I don't care about wrinkles as we grow older, there is nothing you can do about that. So NO, I don't expect her to get any plastic surgery even she does wants a tit job for herself. I just know that she can do better.
And yes, there have been other problems that may contribute to this particular problem and it seems we are in progression to get those issues worked out. Maybe I am seeing the Domme for the issues, so you may be right own that point. But I do actually feel the need deep down even if things were perfect.

Anyway, a lot of judge and jury on this site that's for sure. I just wanted to know if other people here see a Domme also outside the relationship.

Read your response to me a second, I mean really read it, and I think you will see what I am talking about. If your motive in trying to get your wife to take care of herself, get herself in shape, etc, is to be healthy and be there for your kid when you both get older, that is fine, that is showing care for the kid, and also for her, since she may well be doing things that could lead to diabetes and heart disease later (being overweight is not necessarily unhealthy, btw, there are people the BMI charts consider 'unhealthy' who do triathalons and such).

Read your words, where you say you travel extensively, eat at great restaurants, that you 'live a good life on the business you built from scratch'..what that comes off as, quite frankly, is "I worked hard to build this business, and how does the bitch repay me? She eats like a pig, looks like a pig and doesn't care how she appears to me''.. i.e somehow she owes you for what you have done,....

Have you ever talked to her, I mean really talked to her, about her weight? Is she morbidly obese? Is she 10 pounds over where she should be (some men consider that fat, which is idiotic, but whatever)? Have you ever talked to her and expressed, not that you want her to look hot in a little black dress, but rather about the health ramifications, and that you want her to be with you? What you are doing is counterproductive, you are denying her intimacy, when you could very well be guaranteeing that she won't do anything, maybe driving her deeper into despair. One thing I have learned in what will be 25 years of marriage (together 30) is that the way we feel comes across without saying it, and it is likely she is picking up the vibe that you aren't attracted to her, and it could be driving her even deeper in.

Since you are well off, have you ever thought of getting her some kind of exercise regimen, a trainer at a gym, a yoga place to go to, the marquis de sade exercise academy aka anyone who teaches pilates? Heck, ever offered to go to the gym with her and workout together? A lot of this is showing you care about her, rather than telling her 'gee, you need to lose weight, you look like shit' or hopefully some kinder variation.

You haven't said, but is your wife a SAHM? Could it also be that with caring for a kid (or kids), that being 'mommy' all the time has got her down? Maybe, just maybe, she is lacking something in her life that was there before having a kid, that will motivate her to get more in shape? Have you ever tried to get her to talk to someone, a life coach, a counselor, a therapist, to see what is going on? Generally when someone lets go like you say your wife did, there is a reason behind it, it isn't laziness, in many cases it is emotional issues. Also, has she gotten a full workup done? Has anyone checked her thyroid and her hormones? Having a baby can knock a women's body out of whack, and it could be that her problem isn't eating, it could be her body is fouled up.

I think there is a lot more to this than the BD/SM, to me that is a symptom (I am not saying you aren't wired for kink, you probably are), but it is also very easy to use something like that to work around other issues, and like I told you, in my case there were elements of that, I am as kinky as they come, but some of what I was doing in the pro sphere was a substitute for what wasn't happening at home (that with a lot of fantasizing and sally and susy), so I am not talking out of my ass on that (circumstances were different in many ways, but the same in some).

I am not chiding you for being concerned about your wife's weight, I am not chiding you even for in some ways not being attracted to her, what I am chiding you for is thinking of yourself, not you and her as a couple (sorry, being an attractive couple who blow other people away is not what I mean).What I am chiding you for is not asking yourself why she is like she is, asking yourself what you can do for her to help, you are making it sound like she is some lazy pig of a person who has this fantastic life, with everything she could want, and she (in your eyes) has chosen to sit back and wallow, or at least that is what it sounds like....and it very well could be something a lot more deep than that. Instead of chiding her, or giving her the cold shoulder, how about positive reinforcement, tell her you love her, talk about the future, talk about wanting her healthy when Junior is out terrorizing coeds at college so you guys can tear things up a bit, talk about how you want her and you to be healthy to a ripe old age to embarrass the shit out of your kid.....and the way you are doing it isn't going to work, whether consciously or subconsciously you are probably witholding intimacy to punish her.....

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about your wife, and there is nothing wrong for wishing your mate would take care of themselves, and hopefully showing you they care enough about you to try and make the effort to look good (btw, same thing with husbands, sure a lot of wives aren't happy with hubby with the beer guy who plops himself on the couch all weekend), but what is wrong to me is you are more focused on you than her, that instead of being concerned about her health and state of being, you are irked because she isn't the hot chick you married and if she is like that, judging her for being lazy, etc, rather than trying to help her get to healthy and happy, instead of focusing on her, you are focusing on yourself.

One of my regrets is I had neither the training nor the inclination to understand there was something wrong with my wife when we were young together, that her issues with sex weren't lack of interest or some sort of prudish hangups, but rather that her SOB of a father, who my other big regret is the fucking coward ran away to Europe before I could kill him, had raped her while dear old mom sat there and did nothing, and as a result we lost of lot of years of fun......don't be stupid, you have the benefit of resources, find a way to get through to her, cause I would bet pretty good money something is going on, either emotional or physical........

Want to know another little secret? Get your relationship straightened out, then talk to your wife about your desires....you get her involved, it will fucking blow the doors off of any pro session you could do, take it from me, it is way out there in the universe when you do it with someone you care about. I had good relationships with the pros I saw, couple of them were good friends I cared about, but with your intimate partner, well, it is like comparing a Big Mac to a piece of aged steak, just no comparison (with all due respects to the pros on this forum, it isn't a slight on them, more like doing it with someone you are intimate with is just way, way different. If anything I am sympathetic, if for different circumstances, but instead of focusing on the I, which is what you are doing, try focusing on her and what the we come back together

 

[njlauren]

WOW! There are some open minded intelligent people on this board. And yes, there are some other factors that I didn't mention because I really wasn't trying to get feed back on my marriage. But it got to the point where we would argue and be very short with each other and she doesn't fight fair at all, she does admit this. But the more fighting and arrogance toward each other I started backing off and it had a big impact on why I stopped being attracted physically towards her. I'm sorry but when you fight with someone a lot it definitely turns you off. And yes, the first thing people have when they get together is physical attraction, no one here gets that. I'm glad to say we have worked a lot lot problems out and we are being a lot more considerate towards each other which is helping. She also has started to lose weight and getting back into shape which is also a good thing. I'm hoping we are going to get this marriage back on track but it takes time. I will take the advice and start scheduling dates together and see where it leads.

As for the Domme, I know it's a form of cheating but I had such a strong urge to experience it. It's just that I don't think this is the right time to throw this on my wife until we become intimate again.

But thanks to your well thought out post and at least hearing my argument.

This post is a lot more like it, and it highlights what I and others were saying to you, that the weight issue was only a symptom of what was going on in your relationship. I am glad you guys are working on this, because it is a we, it is never 'her' problem, it is ours when you are in a relationship. The playing with a pro to me was a red herring and it is what I thought, your issues were in the relationship...and emotional issues that cause the fighting also are a sexual turn off. I highly recommend finding a good couples counselor, too, it can make a big difference..you guys are already working on it, but an outside can really help make points you cannot see. To me the biggest issue you face is your relationship, the pro domme thing, while it has its negatives, is not the prime issue.......like I said, I don't judge you for seeing a pro domme, and you are coming off as a lot more human when you mention that it wasn't just the looks. What attracts us to other people is a lot more than looks, it is pretty complicated (pick up a copy of any of the books Harville Hendrix wrote, pretty wild stuff), and usually when problems fall unless someone is completely shallow (which quite frankly you appeared to be at first), it isn't the biggest issue.

Eventually, if you guys re-connect, you might just find out you have the domme of your dreams in your own bedroom..and as Betty Davis said, 'Fasten your seatbelt, you are in for one hell of a ride'

 

[njlauren]

wow, you guys have given him hell haven't you?

you like to encourage and embrace people for exploring their kinky sides and fetishes but woe betide anyone going outside an unsatisfactory marriage. he's not "having an affair". he's being careful and responsible in seeking out a pro domme.

you like to encourage and embrace people in their attractions to the unusual but woe betide anyone honest enough to admit that they don't like FAT.

you ALL know that there are many, many partners of kinky people who are NOT and never will be interested in taking part in bdsm play. it's a very common complaint thread here and usually the spouse KNOWS this. so why bother lecturing him on talking to his wife about it?

he has never said that he married his wife BECAUSE she was thin. what a stupid thing to throw at him. of course he loved her and was hoping for a long, happy marriage as most of us do. sorry, but physical attraction is part of the deal.

everyone ages. some people get sick. these things can't be helped and are expected as you enter a marriage. but "baby" weight after 7 years??? give me a break !! that IS just lazy and careless.

i don't know why a culture of fat enablers has developed but it has. yes, yes, there are illnesses and medications which cause weight gain but seriously that's a minority of people.

why is it now ok to label someone here shallow because they are honest enough to actually admit to being attracted to normal weight. and no, no matter how you try to excuse it, gloss over it and accept it, FAT is not normal and the overwhelming majority of people do not find it particularly attractive, even those who are fat themselves.

30 to 40 years ago wives and mothers CARED enough about their appearance, for themselves and for their husbands, to stay slim and as attractive as possible. there were very few fat mothers at the school picking up their kids, in fact they stood out as, well, fat. why has this changed?

First of all, society as a whole has gotten heavier, and that last line is something I would expect out of a pig like Rush Limbaugh, it is incredibly sexist......on top of everything else, it totally is about women getting fat (using your words), where moms stayed slim to be attractive to their husband..so, like, a guy can be overweight but mom should stay nice and slim? And you think 40 years ago there weren't women who stayed slim while dad as he got older developed the beer gut and such *geez* course, dad being overweight is okay.......this post reminds me of an old episode of MST 3K, where they had one of these shorts called "A date with your family", it was a 1950's attempt at making a great family life (if someone wants to see it, I think someone has it up on you tube, it is hysterical....whereas I suspect your typical GOP base type would see it and sigh and say 'the good ole days' *lol*).

Secondly, that image is a crock of bullshit, I was growing up 40 years ago, and believe me, not all the moms were incredibly thin for their man and all that crap (been reading Phylis Schafly recently?)..not everyone was slim and glamorous back then, and while the number of people who are overweight or way overweight has skyrocketed, a lot of people back then weren't necessarily in great shape either...and the increasing size of people has hit men as well, how come you don't mention hubby staying fit for his wife?

The reason the poster got hammered was because he came off as vain and shallow, his original post intimated that he stopped having sex with his wife because she was overweight, and that is shallow.....last I checked, when you love someone there is a lot of things there, and more importantly, he came off as shallower then a wading pool that has been out in the sun too long.......lot of things.

He asked if it was cheating, and people said it was, there actually was very little judgement. The only comments I saw that were judging him said that he was denying sex with his wife and was getting off with the domme, which is true, and that that wasn't healthy. It is one thing to need to do kink and get your needs met with a pro, it is another to deny all sex to your spouse and then get your rocks off like that.

As far as being 'fat enablers', some other people wrote some good posts on that, that instead of being negative to try and positively find ways to help her get back in shape (and it sounds like he did just that).

I don't think people were hammering the OP for going outside the relationship to get a need met, I think they hammered the OP when he came off as a shallow jerk who didn't care about his wife, big difference.

 

[Rainbow123]

Stella, as usual you have nailed it

 

[Netzach]

i don't know why a culture of fat enablers has developed but it has. yes, yes, there are illnesses and medications which cause weight gain but seriously that's a minority of people

How small a minority does it have to be?

And why is illness requiring meds OK if it's physical but not mental? At what point in the arc of depression does the shape of your body matter less than whether you're going to take a leap off a building?

As long as you look good doing it, says this culture.

I got together with my spouse largely based on superficial attractors. Fortunately, this isn't that important at the 10 year mark. Change happens. Fat, illness, even "hey guess what, I'm the wrong gender" - challenge is part of the package, and if you're scared of that, you can DO whatever you want, but please have the sack not to bitch about it or blame that person for YOUR shortcomings.

In fact, fuck, it's outrageous to me that fuckers who can't get through this kind of thing are even ALLOWED to marry when it's a news item that two women who have been through 40 years together in my state suddenly can, because the public has DEIGNED to accept it. But it goes back to it being none of my business. I like none of my business, it becomes my business when I have to listen to the self-justifying litany and I'm not being paid to, though.

But expecting anything like a trace of emotional maturity - like the emotional maturity to take SOME of the blame in a sexless marriage is second in line to a chance to fat bash someone.

 

[Netzach]

Secondly, that image is a crock of bullshit, I was growing up 40 years ago, and believe me, not all the moms were incredibly thin for their man and all that crap (been reading Phylis Schafly recently?)..not everyone was slim and glamorous back then, and while the number of people who are overweight or way overweight has skyrocketed, a lot of people back then weren't necessarily in great shape either...and the increasing size of people has hit men as well, how come you don't mention hubby staying fit for his wife?

Now now Lauren, they had the decency to keel over from heart attacks, those fat guys, saving us the offense of having to see them. And women had cigarettes and speed working for them, but who's counting?

 

[incubus'_sub]

njlauren, i did say that wives kept themselves slim and attractive FOR THEMSELVES, not just for their husbands. to me, it's a personal pride thing. i didn't add it as i was talking about this man's particular situation, but yes of course i include men in the avalanche of fat in society. no sexism here.

the OP has said that he's made the effort to stay trim and attractive himself. he's annoyed that his wife hasn't bothered. i agree with him and have to seriously question why you all seem to think it's HIS problem.

sometimes things are quite simple and are not caused by emotional and psychological dysfunction. it is indeed possible that this guy's lack of attraction to his fat wife is just that. it doesn't mean that he's punishing her by withholding sex, it just means that he is turned off by it. i get that. i'm the same. of all the groups in the world, this one should be first to understand that a person can't help what turns them on or off.

netz, i know about your battles with illness and meds, but really you are in a small minority. obesity HAS skyrocketed whereas the percentage of illness in the population is about the same as it always was.

why? because it has become politically incorrect to call fat as you see it and no i don't mean that literally as in rude and hurtful comments to individuals. it has somehow become ok to flab up and let it all hang out yet the vast number of weight loss products seems to indicate that underneath the "love me as i am" mantra there lies the desire to be a normal weight.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hahaha...

No.

That was some really stupid shit that you just said there, darling. Forgive me for not going into a point by point rebuttal-- but I gotta see a man about a dog.

 

[LallyH]

njlauren, i did say that wives kept themselves slim and attractive FOR THEMSELVES, not just for their husbands. to me, it's a personal pride thing. i didn't add it as i was talking about this man's particular situation, but yes of course i include men in the avalanche of fat in society. no sexism here.

the OP has said that he's made the effort to stay trim and attractive himself. he's annoyed that his wife hasn't bothered. i agree with him and have to seriously question why you all seem to think it's HIS problem.

sometimes things are quite simple and are not caused by emotional and psychological dysfunction. it is indeed possible that this guy's lack of attraction to his fat wife is just that. it doesn't mean that he's punishing her by withholding sex, it just means that he is turned off by it. i get that. i'm the same. of all the groups in the world, this one should be first to understand that a person can't help what turns them on or off.

netz, i know about your battles with illness and meds, but really you are in a small minority. obesity HAS skyrocketed whereas the percentage of illness in the population is about the same as it always was.

why? because it has become politically incorrect to call fat as you see it and no i don't mean that literally as in rude and hurtful comments to individuals. it has somehow become ok to flab up and let it all hang out yet the vast number of weight loss products seems to indicate that underneath the "love me as i am" mantra there lies the desire to be a normal weight.

Just a couple of things to question here.

Keeping trim for a guy just getting older is a whole lot different than trying to shift post baby weight gain so I don't think you can equate the two.

And once OP had called another poster with whom he had disagreed 'fatty', all I could hear in my head was a whining child when I read his remarks, which certainly coloured my viewpoint.

 

[KoPilot]

Haha yeah, you're defending a guy that was sticking fingers in his ears and screaming "ugly fatty!!1" at everyone who didn't tell him what he already wanted to hear.

Not so sure what's so difficult about calling bullshit on that?

 

[Kellydude666]

Hahaha...

No.

That was some really stupid shit that you just said there, darling. Forgive me for not going into a point by point rebuttal-- but I gotta see a man about a dog.

Please...you are pathetic. Someone makes sense in my defense and you got balls i your mouth and you have nothing. Please, just go somewhere else and let the adults argue it out.

 

[Kellydude666]

Just a couple of things to question here.

Keeping trim for a guy just getting older is a whole lot different than trying to shift post baby weight gain so I don't think you can equate the two.

And once OP had called another poster with whom he had disagreed 'fatty', all I could hear in my head was a whining child when I read his remarks, which certainly coloured my viewpoint.

Take it EZ, it's been seven years since we had our child. I guess because you're fat and lazy it's ok to just settle. I love women when it comes to weight, you can spew anything else but question a woman's laziness and all hell breaks loose. Too funny!

 

[desertslave]

Take it EZ, it's been seven years since we had our child. I guess because you're fat and lazy it's ok to just settle. I love women when it comes to weight, you can spew anything else but question a woman's laziness and all hell breaks loose. Too funny!

Are you POSITIVE that it's laziness? Does she have enough regular free time? How is her overall health?

I admit it, I'm fat. I fell down the rabbit hole of baby weight, a desk job, minimal free time, and post-op pain to get there. I make no excuses, but I also KNOW that it wasn't laziness that got me here. The really sucky thing is to WANT to exercise, to WANT to lose the weight, but to be in constant pain that makes a lot of that exercise seem about as likely as climbing Everest.

Please try to think more kindly of her.

 

[shy slave]

Again and again on Lit it happens.

A newbie comes along looking for validation on kink situation 'A,' people respond in a mix of ways, but generally on varying levels of positivity.

Said newbie reveals more, often a vanilla aspect of their lives, which results in people reacting differently.

Newbie reacts by resorting to mud slinging at people they do not know and name calling.

Regardless of age there is a point when some people who are found on the back foot resort to school playground behaviour.

Perhaps they should head straight for the GB, get a beating there and be done with.

As an aside, this situation reeks of 'my wife doesn't understand me.'
I do hope she wakes up and does something positive with her life instead of waiting for validation from a man who appears to have little respect for her.

Before the mud slinging commences from the newbie, No, I am not an overweight, lacking in self-confidence, poor little girlie.

 

[LallyH]

Take it EZ, it's been seven years since we had our child. I guess because you're fat and lazy it's ok to just settle. I love women when it comes to weight, you can spew anything else but question a woman's laziness and all hell breaks loose. Too funny!

Maybe the reason behind the lack of sympathy your posts are receiving is because the only remarks you appear to have made about your wife are the fat/lazy/unattractive ones. That appears to be the sole way you define her and it comes across as immature and shallow. Name calling doesn't help either.

And in case you're wondering I'm US size 6. Having been both skinny and overweight, I am all too aware of how people's perceptions and attitude change depending on appearance. But luckily for me, I didn't have to battle negativity in my home.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Try applying your Androgel cream onto your wife's shoulders instead of using it yourself.

She'll start losing weight, burning fat, trimming up -- and you'll start getting fat, no matter how much you diet and exercise.

Jesus fuck, why are hets so creepy?

Whyyyyyy.....

 

[incubus'_sub]

i just love it when overweight people say "i'm not making excuses..." then proceed to list their excuses.

does his wife have enough spare time? hell, does ANYONE? her 7yo should be in school. maybe she's a working mother? wow, like most of us these days. no excuse.

and PLEASE, no more baby weight rubbish. it lasts a few months unless you eat too much. there's a lack of muscle tone after giving birth but a bit of effort will fix that. pain is an excuse, not a valid reason for obesity.

for the record i gave birth naturally to 2 children, now 39 and 35. i have had a number of serious illnesses with consequent surgeries and steroid meds. pain??? try a spinal cord tumour C2 to C5 with surgery which left me a virtual hemiplegic in constant severe pain and on required meds. throw in my current broken leg. my avatar (untouched) photo was taken when i was 54yo if i remember and to be honest i don't look much different now.

so no, i don't have sympathy for a fat wife. i have sympathy for her husband.

 

[desertslave]

i just love it when overweight people say "i'm not making excuses..." then proceed to list their excuses.

does his wife have enough spare time? hell, does ANYONE? her 7yo should be in school. maybe she's a working mother? wow, like most of us these days. no excuse.

and PLEASE, no more baby weight rubbish. it lasts a few months unless you eat too much. there's a lack of muscle tone after giving birth but a bit of effort will fix that. pain is an excuse, not a valid reason for obesity.

for the record i gave birth naturally to 2 children, now 39 and 35. i have had a number of serious illnesses with consequent surgeries and steroid meds. pain??? try a spinal cord tumour C2 to C5 with surgery which left me a virtual hemiplegic in constant severe pain and on required meds. throw in my current broken leg. my avatar (untouched) photo was taken when i was 54yo if i remember and to be honest i don't look much different now.

so no, i don't have sympathy for a fat wife. i have sympathy for her husband.

How nice for you. I could trot out my injuries/surgeries/illnesses too, and we could re-act that priceless scene from Chasing Amy. Signifying....nothing. Everyone's bodies react differently, everyone's psyches react differently. I'll side with the person who is rejected for superficial reasons almost every time. My sympathies to your dom.

 

[incubus'_sub]

lack of desire is NEVER superficial, nor is it his fault. if his wife wants sex she should make the effort he has obviously asked and tried to help her to make. she can't be bothered or she's too busy either making up silly excuses or she doesn't love HIM enough to care. what is it about men that you have to find the fault with him and not even try to consider her poor attitude?

everyones' bodies DO react differently - to a small degree only. potential degrees of reaction to meds are carefully put in their packets. you can sit, sob and overeat, or you can accept your problems and move forward to counteract them. that excuse doesn't wash either.

lmao, i read your sympathies to my husband / dom. he doesn't do fat either, so he has great sympathy for yours.

 

[Netzach]

everyones' bodies DO react differently - to a small degree only

Oh yes, a very small degree. Which is why one person can take the same med I'm on and wind up six feet under, and another can wind up better.

Which is why I can take the same 60 mg's of steroid as my grandmother hear voices and grow a mustache, and she can gain 3 pounds and otherwise nothing.

Please. Your complete inability to understand that not everyone is you shows. Someone can have the exact issues I have or you have and feel better, worse, or the same. Give speed to five people and the ADD one can suddently calm down and function. There's nothing "small" about that.

Autoimmune is in the top 10 killers of women between 20-60, so that's a lot of people on a lot of cortisone. I'm not some outlying random freak.

And when I go to my deep dark woe is me place there is a big bowl of Pho there, putting weight on my ass - so fuck anyone telling me I can't pick my own poison till they deal with the same shit I do. I've been a size 6, 14, 16, 12, 10, 8, and 4, and I never was a better or worse quality of person or someone anyone could call lazy. I was also at my LEAST healthy at my smallest, getting the most compliments and visual validation from a fucked in the head culture.

His wife could be a raving bitch. His wife could be fucking someone else who doesn't care about her weight. His wife could weigh 125 or 400. What I do know is that whatever is going on isn't limited to her anywhere but in his mind.

 

[Kellydude666]

Are you POSITIVE that it's laziness? Does she have enough regular free time? How is her overall health?

I admit it, I'm fat. I fell down the rabbit hole of baby weight, a desk job, minimal free time, and post-op pain to get there. I make no excuses, but I also KNOW that it wasn't laziness that got me here. The really sucky thing is to WANT to exercise, to WANT to lose the weight, but to be in constant pain that makes a lot of that exercise seem about as likely as climbing Everest.

Please try to think more kindly of her.

I'm very kind to my wife, I never called her lazy or made her feel bad about the weight. However we've spoken about this numerous times and I'm honest with her in the kindest way I can be about it. I'm not going to sugar coat to her how I feel when she asks me questions. The idiots on this board making all these accusations against me because all of there own conclusions because this is a sensitive subject for themselves. Yes, I'm being defensive and resorting to insults because I am responding in kind. Because a few people here who are probably overweight themselves need someone to attack because of their own insecurities. But I can tell you I am no tyrant with my wife.

 

[njlauren]

njlauren, i did say that wives kept themselves slim and attractive FOR THEMSELVES, not just for their husbands. to me, it's a personal pride thing. i didn't add it as i was talking about this man's particular situation, but yes of course i include men in the avalanche of fat in society. no sexism here.

the OP has said that he's made the effort to stay trim and attractive himself. he's annoyed that his wife hasn't bothered. i agree with him and have to seriously question why you all seem to think it's HIS problem.

sometimes things are quite simple and are not caused by emotional and psychological dysfunction. it is indeed possible that this guy's lack of attraction to his fat wife is just that. it doesn't mean that he's punishing her by withholding sex, it just means that he is turned off by it. i get that. i'm the same. of all the groups in the world, this one should be first to understand that a person can't help what turns them on or off.

netz, i know about your battles with illness and meds, but really you are in a small minority. obesity HAS skyrocketed whereas the percentage of illness in the population is about the same as it always was.

why? because it has become politically incorrect to call fat as you see it and no i don't mean that literally as in rude and hurtful comments to individuals. it has somehow become ok to flab up and let it all hang out yet the vast number of weight loss products seems to indicate that underneath the "love me as i am" mantra there lies the desire to be a normal weight.

He says he kept himself trim and in shape, but the key thing to me was he never bothered to talk to his wife about why she had let herself go, why she had gained weight and so forth, and his answer wasn't that he was concerned about his wife, he was whining that he was in effect stuck with someone with a weight problem and in effect, well, I make myself hot for her, but she doesn't do it for me, so therefore, I am turned off. My problem with it is it is all about him, all about me......he comes off quite frankly as a shallow jackass whose whole world is based around physical looks....

and quite honestly, the whole post reeks of self centeredness. He isn't attracted to his wife because she has gained weight since having the child (and mind you, this is quite a few years after he claims she put on the weight), and it isn't working for him, so he goes to a pro domme, who is probably young and attractive, to get his jollies (and it isn't just about being sub, I would bet good money on it...I wonder if he would get the same effect with an older, less attractive domme who was skilled as hell...).

I understand this is a BD/SM board, not a marriage counseling service, but if her being overweight is that big a deal, then maybe he should have been asking for help in talking to her about the issue, about what he wants, and in making her see it is important to him...and more importantly, that what he is doing in effect is sexual blackmail, stopping having sex because he can't stand her having the weight on, while getting his needs met elsewhere. Put it this way, he comes off as Don Draper in Mad Men, not a loving husband trying to figure out how to make it work.

As far as people getting on you about being overweight, it is because it comes off as the typical puritanical idea that if someone is overweight, it is because they stuff themselves with food, are lazy, and so forth. I can't speak for the OP's wife, but if it were just laziness, it would have been a big issue 40 years ago, and it wasn't as much, and what you are leaving out is that looking down on people who are overweight is basically judging them for being fatties who eat cheeseburgers and fries and a large coke, without looking at the factors that have made this happen:

1)40 years ago, a lot of families lived on a single income, and the working husband generally were working 9-5 jobs. These days, because of economic reality, in most families both spouses work, and they are working longer and longer hours in doing so, either at the office or taking work home, or are working multiple jobs. A lot of these jobs are office jobs, and between that, and taking care of the kids and house, people literally have less and less time to exercise, and food they are eating, rather than being home cooked, is take out food (look at the statitistics between 40 years ago and today, it is staggering). A lot of people are not working physical labor jobs, either.

2)Thanks to the government, a lot of the food we are eating today is basically sugar enhanced garbage, and I am not talking kids cereals. Thanks to uncle sam and the ag lobby, we have high fructose corn syrup, which is used in a ton of things it wasn't forty years ago, everything from bread to all kinds of processed foods......soda 40 years ago used cane sugar, today it is all HFC, and major studies are showing that HFC is a disaster area including potentially being one of the driving forces for diabetes surging.

and same government subsidies make fast food as cheap as it is, subsidized beef in McD's burgers, in the rolls, etc......compare a decent sit down meal or even the price of a salad at McDonalds (btw, not all the salads there are healthy, and the dressings are often horrible,full of sugar and such)

3)Kids don't even have exercise, schools have gotten rid of recess, lot of schools have limited PE classes, and after school, we have a society that is telling them that unless they are doing 5 hours of homework a night and doing the right ec's, they won't do anything in life.

4)And yeah, I wonder about smoking, 40 years ago 50% of adults smoked......

I think people getting heavier is a problem, but I think it is also idiotic to totally blame it on the old puritanical crap about laziness and such, more then a bit of it reflects fucked up aspects of modern society. Put it this way, workers today are putting in more hours than every before, you have to go back to the 19th century to start seeing work hours like this.

And sorry, but the tone of your original post was women kept in shape to make their man happy or some such, and that is worthy of gagging. As far as making themselves happy back in the good ole days, I kind of wonder about that, it seems more, from reading about what society was like, from what I remember as a kid, and from watching programs like Mad Men, that are more accurate then not, or reading good social histories like Manchester's "The Glory and the Dream", it was more like women were expected to be the ideal woman in terms of figure and such, and Madison ave and even society put tremendous pressure on, and as Manchester wrote, a lot of women back then were doing things like taking uppers and such to keep that figure , as well as smoking.

As far as the right to be turned on what we are turned on by, that is true, and yeah, that is what this is about. On the other hand, you often read posts on here by people into BD/SM whose mates aren't, and they agonize about it, because they otherwise love their spouses and don't know what to do, the OP came off as someone who seemed to be saying he only loved his wife because she was hot when he met her, and now that she put on weight, it isn't there any more......what I don't understand is if her weight is that important and he really loves her, why is he asking about going to a pro domme (which to me seems like a substitute for being intimate with his wife more than an inate desire to be sub), rather than asking about how to make his marriage work again, either with a counselor or something? It is why it sounds shallow to me, it sounds like he basically has given up on his wife and wants justification for what he is doing....I won't judge someone for going to a pro domme because their wife won't play with them, I will if I think it is running away from the person they must have loved at some point *shrug*

 

[njlauren]

lack of desire is NEVER superficial, nor is it his fault. if his wife wants sex she should make the effort he has obviously asked and tried to help her to make. she can't be bothered or she's too busy either making up silly excuses or she doesn't love HIM enough to care. what is it about men that you have to find the fault with him and not even try to consider her poor attitude?

everyones' bodies DO react differently - to a small degree only. potential degrees of reaction to meds are carefully put in their packets. you can sit, sob and overeat, or you can accept your problems and move forward to counteract them. that excuse doesn't wash either.

lmao, i read your sympathies to my husband / dom. he doesn't do fat either, so he has great sympathy for yours.

No, it isn't a small degree, and that is part of the problem. I don't know your natural body type, but tell me, to keep your body in shape, do you have to starve yourself and do 2 hours of exercise a day? There are people who have high metabolisms, who can eat anything, not exercise, and stay thin as a rail, there are people, especially women in their 40's, who eating a normal, healthy diet of 1600-2000 calories a day, would need 2 hours a day in the gym to keep from gaining weight, I have woman friends who have the opposite problems, to not appear like victims of a famine they have to eat diets more appropriate calorically for someone working in a steel mill. Some people spend their entire lives fighting their weight, maybe the OP's wife had been thin and in shape because she had battled her weight for years, and then found after the baby it wouldn't work......

There is some truth to what you say, that part of it is motivation, and maybe, just maybe, the wife in this question isn't lazy, she simply lost motivation. Wanting to be thin for a spouse can be motivation, but we only have part of the story here, who knows if maybe after the baby was born 7 years ago hubby resented the time she spent with the kid, and pulled back from her? Maybe she did give up, and say what the hell, he isn't attracted to me any more, so why should I care?

And to be honest, some of the standards about weight and size may not be all that natural, either, and some of what women went through in prior generations was a bit extreme. I think part of the problem with weight is that we never have gotten to the point where we can disengage from the image that marketing and Madison avenue gave us, and what is truly healthy. Marilyn Monroe was considered one of the sexiest women ever to live, yet a twat like Elizbabeth Hurley could call her fat (she who has a reputation for being a major coke and speed head, nice way to keep off weight), and MM was a size 12-14 *shrug*. They give us people like Kate Moss as the image of beauty, which isn't exactly healthy, either.

I would rather we accept people's body sizes and work towards nudging people to being healthy. It is kind of ironic that businesses in the US are complaining about the cost of health insurance, when they are part of the problem, in that to get as much out of their workers as possible they are working them literally to death in some ways.....

BTW, calling someone fat or lazy isn't going to make them lose weight or be more healthy, and I think what people are talking about is exactly that, that treating people badly because they are overweight (like overt job discrimination against overweight women or men), is dead wrong, it isn't about 'fat acceptance', it is about accepting people for who they are and then working towards getting people healthy. It is kind of funny, what in white culture is considered fat and unattractive, in black and latina culture can be considered more attractive......

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm very kind to my wife, I never called her lazy or made her feel bad about the weight. However we've spoken about this numerous times and I'm honest with her in the kindest way I can be about it. I'm not going to sugar coat to her how I feel when she asks me questions. The idiots on this board making all these accusations against me because all of there own conclusions because this is a sensitive subject for themselves. Yes, I'm being defensive and resorting to insults because I am responding in kind. Because a few people here who are probably overweight themselves need someone to attack because of their own insecurities. But I can tell you I am no tyrant with my wife.

It's so very funny, you have the answers right here, in your own words, but you can't figure them out for yourself.

I'm putting this thread in my files, under "Unreliable narrator"

 

[Kellydude666]

He says he kept himself trim and in shape, but the key thing to me was he never bothered to talk to his wife about why she had let herself go, why she had gained weight and so forth, and his answer wasn't that he was concerned about his wife, he was whining that he was in effect stuck with someone with a weight problem and in effect, well, I make myself hot for her, but she doesn't do it for me, so therefore, I am turned off. My problem with it is it is all about him, all about me......he comes off quite frankly as a shallow jackass whose whole world is based around physical looks....

and quite honestly, the whole post reeks of self centeredness. He isn't attracted to his wife because she has gained weight since having the child (and mind you, this is quite a few years after he claims she put on the weight), and it isn't working for him, so he goes to a pro domme, who is probably young and attractive, to get his jollies (and it isn't just about being sub, I would bet good money on it...I wonder if he would get the same effect with an older, less attractive domme who was skilled as hell...).

I understand this is a BD/SM board, not a marriage counseling service, but if her being overweight is that big a deal, then maybe he should have been asking for help in talking to her about the issue, about what he wants, and in making her see it is important to him...and more importantly, that what he is doing in effect is sexual blackmail, stopping having sex because he can't stand her having the weight on, while getting his needs met elsewhere. Put it this way, he comes off as Don Draper in Mad Men, not a loving husband trying to figure out how to make it work.

As far as people getting on you about being overweight, it is because it comes off as the typical puritanical idea that if someone is overweight, it is because they stuff themselves with food, are lazy, and so forth. I can't speak for the OP's wife, but if it were just laziness, it would have been a big issue 40 years ago, and it wasn't as much, and what you are leaving out is that looking down on people who are overweight is basically judging them for being fatties who eat cheeseburgers and fries and a large coke, without looking at the factors that have made this happen:

1)40 years ago, a lot of families lived on a single income, and the working husband generally were working 9-5 jobs. These days, because of economic reality, in most families both spouses work, and they are working longer and longer hours in doing so, either at the office or taking work home, or are working multiple jobs. A lot of these jobs are office jobs, and between that, and taking care of the kids and house, people literally have less and less time to exercise, and food they are eating, rather than being home cooked, is take out food (look at the statitistics between 40 years ago and today, it is staggering). A lot of people are not working physical labor jobs, either.

2)Thanks to the government, a lot of the food we are eating today is basically sugar enhanced garbage, and I am not talking kids cereals. Thanks to uncle sam and the ag lobby, we have high fructose corn syrup, which is used in a ton of things it wasn't forty years ago, everything from bread to all kinds of processed foods......soda 40 years ago used cane sugar, today it is all HFC, and major studies are showing that HFC is a disaster area including potentially being one of the driving forces for diabetes surging.

and same government subsidies make fast food as cheap as it is, subsidized beef in McD's burgers, in the rolls, etc......compare a decent sit down meal or even the price of a salad at McDonalds (btw, not all the salads there are healthy, and the dressings are often horrible,full of sugar and such)

3)Kids don't even have exercise, schools have gotten rid of recess, lot of schools have limited PE classes, and after school, we have a society that is telling them that unless they are doing 5 hours of homework a night and doing the right ec's, they won't do anything in life.

4)And yeah, I wonder about smoking, 40 years ago 50% of adults smoked......

I think people getting heavier is a problem, but I think it is also idiotic to totally blame it on the old puritanical crap about laziness and such, more then a bit of it reflects fucked up aspects of modern society. Put it this way, workers today are putting in more hours than every before, you have to go back to the 19th century to start seeing work hours like this.

And sorry, but the tone of your original post was women kept in shape to make their man happy or some such, and that is worthy of gagging. As far as making themselves happy back in the good ole days, I kind of wonder about that, it seems more, from reading about what society was like, from what I remember as a kid, and from watching programs like Mad Men, that are more accurate then not, or reading good social histories like Manchester's "The Glory and the Dream", it was more like women were expected to be the ideal woman in terms of figure and such, and Madison ave and even society put tremendous pressure on, and as Manchester wrote, a lot of women back then were doing things like taking uppers and such to keep that figure , as well as smoking.

As far as the right to be turned on what we are turned on by, that is true, and yeah, that is what this is about. On the other hand, you often read posts on here by people into BD/SM whose mates aren't, and they agonize about it, because they otherwise love their spouses and don't know what to do, the OP came off as someone who seemed to be saying he only loved his wife because she was hot when he met her, and now that she put on weight, it isn't there any more......what I don't understand is if her weight is that important and he really loves her, why is he asking about going to a pro domme (which to me seems like a substitute for being intimate with his wife more than an inate desire to be sub), rather than asking about how to make his marriage work again, either with a counselor or something? It is why it sounds shallow to me, it sounds like he basically has given up on his wife and wants justification for what he is doing....I won't judge someone for going to a pro domme because their wife won't play with them, I will if I think it is running away from the person they must have loved at some point *shrug*

You really are a character. You see what you want to see don't ya? I wrote a small portion of one of the things that bother me about my relationship and now I'm a self centered jackass? You ma'am are the jackass for assuming and casting aspersions and you don't know the whole story, me or my wife. You took one thing and you continue to run with it because this is a subject that has affected you because you have an issue with your weight. Let it go, there are people who do like physical attraction along with the inner love they have for their significant other even though there may be problems. You keep ignoring what is being explained and spelled out for ya, that makes you an ignorant boob. Seriously.......good luck, you need it.