Ok, very serious question.......

[KoPilot]

Well.....not to make excuses but we were married for one year before she got pregnant and then changed. It's not like we had a couple of years together and had fun as a good looking couple who took care of themselves. I find that not taking care of yourself is a sign of laziness, and that's my problem with it. It's like, ok I had a baby and now I don't have to try to turn my significant other anymore. She begged me to put the treadmill in the living room, I did, then the bedroom and I did, but hasn't been used ever except to hang clothes. Why it bothers me is that she didn't even try for the longest time and that she just accepted it as life when in fact she didn't even try. And I know if she just tried she could be her best. I disagree with you.

Wow yeah, you'd be a shitty sub. Sounds like you're just interested in being spanked by a woman with a pretty face and little more. I feel bad for your wife. "She doesn't look exactly the same as she did almost a decade ago nobody told me women actually age and change wah wah wah"

 

[Kellydude666]

Wow yeah, you'd be a shitty sub. Sounds like you're just interested in being spanked by a woman with a pretty face and little more. I feel bad for your wife. "She doesn't look exactly the same as she did almost a decade ago nobody told me women actually age and change wah wah wah"

I guess you haven't read what I'm posting. The change happened immediately after we were married. So what you're saying is that I'm supposed to accept her not caring how she looks? If she did her best and she is what she is, I can accept that. But I believe first of all we all have a responsibility in taking care of ourselves to the best of our ability and looking the best we can for each other. Maybe you can accept laziness and settling but I don't. I look my best for her. And I can't help what I feel inside about physical attraction, it's either there or it's not.
And the thread isn't about what a selfish asshole I am, it's about what I am doing with these new found feelings inside about this lifestyle and if others are doing what I'm doing with a professional Dom or Domme

 

[Noor]

Well.....not to make excuses but we were married for one year before she got pregnant and then changed. It's not like we had a couple of years together and had fun as a good looking couple who took care of themselves. I find that not taking care of yourself is a sign of laziness, and that's my problem with it. It's like, ok I had a baby and now I don't have to try to turn my significant other anymore. She begged me to put the treadmill in the living room, I did, then the bedroom and I did, but hasn't been used ever except to hang clothes. Why it bothers me is that she didn't even try for the longest time and that she just accepted it as life when in fact she didn't even try. And I know if she just tried she could be her best. I disagree with you.

Wow, you are just looking more and more shallow. Image is all to you, isn't it? Usually what I have seen happen in cases like this is the woman gets back into shape and then dumps shallow man for some less narcissistic guy.

 

[Noor]

I guess you haven't read what I'm posting. The change happened immediately after we were married. So what you're saying is that I'm supposed to accept her not caring how she looks? If she did her best and she is what she is, I can accept that. But I believe first of all we all have a responsibility in taking care of ourselves to the best of our ability and looking the best we can for each other. Maybe you can accept laziness and settling but I don't. I look my best for her. And I can't help what I feel inside about physical attraction, it's either there or it's not.
And the thread isn't about what a selfish asshole I am, it's about what I am doing with these new found feelings inside about this lifestyle and if others are doing what I'm doing with a professional Dom or Domme

Yep, you marry for love, better and worse. Unconditional acceptance?

The thread didn't have to be about what a selfish asshole you are, but you brought it up.

You are paying a sex worker for service, not seeing a lot of lifestyle here.

You have already said you aren't into your wife, so I guess there wouldn't be any point in asking her to explore being a Domme with you.

 

[KoPilot]

I guess you haven't read what I'm posting. The change happened immediately after we were married. So what you're saying is that I'm supposed to accept her not caring how she looks? If she did her best and she is what she is, I can accept that. But I believe first of all we all have a responsibility in taking care of ourselves to the best of our ability and looking the best we can for each other. Maybe you can accept laziness and settling but I don't. I look my best for her. And I can't help what I feel inside about physical attraction, it's either there or it's not.
And the thread isn't about what a selfish asshole I am, it's about what I am doing with these new found feelings inside about this lifestyle and if others are doing what I'm doing with a professional Dom or Domme

I'm sorry, but you lost me at "weight = perfect indication worth as human being, sense of responsibility, and work ethic". Might you be a student of physiognomy, too?

REALITY CHECK: I'm skinny, pretty darn good looking, and SIT ON MY ASS ALL DAY. So this leaves me to chose one of two situations for you: 1. it's not actually about her weight at all, but you need something to act like a sniveling shit about since you're insecure and don't know how to handle it, or 2. you are actually a shallow ass that deserves a divorce.

All this talk about what she isn't doing for you just reinforces the idea that you're not actually interested in being on the receiving end of anything in your real life or doing anything of substance for a dominant woman other than pay her to peg you or whatever you're into. And actually, it sounds like you're well on your way to becoming a dom to your wife-- you know, the passive-aggressive, resentful kind.

 

[Noor]

I'm sorry, but you lost me at "weight = perfect indication worth as human being, sense of responsibility, and work ethic". Might you be a student of physiognomy, too?

REALITY CHECK: I'm skinny, pretty darn good looking, and SIT ON MY ASS ALL DAY. So this leaves me to chose one of two situations for you: 1. it's not actually about her weight at all, but you need something to act like a sniveling shit about since you're insecure and don't know how to handle it, or 2. you are actually a shallow ass that deserves a divorce.

All this talk about what she isn't doing for you just reinforces the idea that you're not actually interested in being on the receiving end of anything in your real life or doing anything of substance for a dominant woman other than pay her to peg you or whatever you're into. And actually, it sounds like you're well on your way to becoming a dom to your wife-- you know, the passive-aggressive, resentful kind.

He is already withholding sex!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I adore these unintentional reveals...

 

[Kellydude666]

"I'm sorry, but you lost me at "weight = perfect indication worth as human being, sense of responsibility, and work ethic". Might you be a student of physiognomy, too?"

Really now??? I said that??? You sound like just another woman who thinks it's ok to not care about what turns your man on and you could be just lazy yourself. Sorry, but I'm physically attracted to what I'm physically attracted to, nothing wrong with that, it's called being a human being. Should I just pretend that it doesn't affect me? I love women like yourself when it comes to the weight issue, you can't take it and don't want to hear it. Like no one can ever bring it up, like it's the ultimate taboo, please....get a grip. It sounds like you've been dumped yourself because of it.

 

[njlauren]

I have been where you are, I played professionally for a number of years, basically because I didn't think my wife would understand..in the later years, she knew I was doing it, and was okay with it because it didn't involve sex, and when we got into it together the domme I used, who was a friend, helped us, too....so I can more than understand how someone can do this..and yes, for the years my wife didn't know, I was cheating, since she didn't know about it....it was a compromise in trying to work out a difficult situation (there was a lot of burdens on our relationship, I was also dealing with a lack of sex life and a wife I couldn't do a lot of things to, because as we found out later, she had been sexually abused growing up horribly)....and it happens.

One note, as others have said, what you are doing is not lifestyle, it is you getting a kink serviced, getting your fantasies fulfilled, it is kind of like live action porn in a sense (not judging it, playing with pros could be intense and amazing in their own ways). You are paying them to do things for you, which is them servicing you, it isn't really submission, not at all, that is an interpersonal thing difficult to do with a pro.

What concerns me is what others have said, your attitude towards your wife. If your whole relationship is based on physical looks, if that is the only thing that attracted you to her, it is kind of narcissistic, key part of your post that troubled me is " we were a good looking couple together", which to me means you got off on the image you projected. What happened to the other things that make up a relationship? Love? Other kinds of intimacy? What it comes off as, to be honest, is very similar to you playing with a pro domme, it is a very shallow image of what things are, it is all about "me", not us. Maybe you wife isn't motivated to get back into shape because what she picks up is you saying "I only can love you if you are in shape" or the like, rather than making it something that is good for her, for her health, whatever.

And what will happen when she gets older, and aging hits? Are you going to expect her to get massive plastic surgery to keep young? Or are you going to be like one of those guys who at a certain point, dumps her for a 25 year old with no wrinkles and breasts not going south?

I don't think your problem is BD/SM, to be honest, I think it is the whole relationship. Want to know one of the biggest reasons people let themselves go? Generally, it is because they get depressed and don't care any more, and often it is because they feel their spouse doesn't care about them any more. You have cut off intimacy with her and now have gone outside the relationship to get kinky needs met, and what that shows is what Stella and others have said, that you seem incredibly into yourself and not into the relationship.

Want my advice? I think the pro domme is a non issue, I think you would be much better working on your marriage, maybe figuring out that if your wife has let herself go, it may be she has issues/needs that is leaving her depressed, and instead of telling her to lose weight and get in shape to please you, how about figuring out what she needs? BTW, work that out, and then talk to her about it, but you better find a way to get intimacy back in your relationship, because trying to get her interested in domming you when you aren't even having sex is going to be a disaster. Want to know a dirty little secret? If you want your wife to get back into shape, to care about her appearance, then you need to give a shit about her to figure out why she has let herself go, not about your shame that you are no longer a 'hot couple' in your eyes, that is unbelievably shallow. I really hope there is more to your marriage than physical appearance, that the other factors are there, because otherwise, why did you marry her?

I am not judging you because you go to a pro domme (be pretty hypocritical), and I am not a perfect person, I have done things in my own life/relationship that aren't great, believe me, and things I am not proud of..but what you are doing is using the pro domme sessions to get off, instead of being intimate with your wife, and that is basically no different than having an affair where you deny your spouse sex because you are having it with someone else. Physically appearance is important, but if that is the whole basis to your relationship, it has a lot more problems then BD/SM play.

 

[Stella_Omega]

"I'm sorry, but you lost me at "weight = perfect indication worth as human being, sense of responsibility, and work ethic". Might you be a student of physiognomy, too?"

Really now??? I said that??? You sound like just another woman who thinks it's ok to not care about what turns your man on and you could be just lazy yourself. Sorry, but I'm physically attracted to what I'm physically attracted to, nothing wrong with that, it's called being a human being. Should I just pretend that it doesn't affect me? I love women like yourself when it comes to the weight issue, you can't take it and don't want to hear it. Like no one can ever bring it up, like it's the ultimate taboo, please....get a grip. It sounds like you've been dumped yourself because of it.

yes, a lot of women get dumped by men like you.

Including your wife.

You being unable to see the beauty in the woman who expended her life energy to give you a son? That's called not being a human being.

 

[J D Danger]

"I'm sorry, but you lost me at "weight = perfect indication worth as human being, sense of responsibility, and work ethic". Might you be a student of physiognomy, too?"

Really now??? I said that??? You sound like just another woman who thinks it's ok to not care about what turns your man on and you could be just lazy yourself. Sorry, but I'm physically attracted to what I'm physically attracted to, nothing wrong with that, it's called being a human being. Should I just pretend that it doesn't affect me? I love women like yourself when it comes to the weight issue, you can't take it and don't want to hear it. Like no one can ever bring it up, like it's the ultimate taboo, please....get a grip. It sounds like you've been dumped yourself because of it.

I see the issue here as 2 fold.....one...you are only talking about what you are physically attracted

in my opinion attraction should go much deeper then physical attraction if you are going to get married.....if you can't be more then physically attracted to someone...stay single and fuck them...until you like the look of something else

and two...tell your wife what is going on...I am sure that if the shoe was on the other foot...you would be upset

when I first read this post..I did not think you were cheating...but you are being dishonest and that is a type of cheating

 

[Kellydude666]

I have been where you are, I played professionally for a number of years, basically because I didn't think my wife would understand..in the later years, she knew I was doing it, and was okay with it because it didn't involve sex, and when we got into it together the domme I used, who was a friend, helped us, too....so I can more than understand how someone can do this..and yes, for the years my wife didn't know, I was cheating, since she didn't know about it....it was a compromise in trying to work out a difficult situation (there was a lot of burdens on our relationship, I was also dealing with a lack of sex life and a wife I couldn't do a lot of things to, because as we found out later, she had been sexually abused growing up horribly)....and it happens.

One note, as others have said, what you are doing is not lifestyle, it is you getting a kink serviced, getting your fantasies fulfilled, it is kind of like live action porn in a sense (not judging it, playing with pros could be intense and amazing in their own ways). You are paying them to do things for you, which is them servicing you, it isn't really submission, not at all, that is an interpersonal thing difficult to do with a pro.

What concerns me is what others have said, your attitude towards your wife. If your whole relationship is based on physical looks, if that is the only thing that attracted you to her, it is kind of narcissistic, key part of your post that troubled me is " we were a good looking couple together", which to me means you got off on the image you projected. What happened to the other things that make up a relationship? Love? Other kinds of intimacy? What it comes off as, to be honest, is very similar to you playing with a pro domme, it is a very shallow image of what things are, it is all about "me", not us. Maybe you wife isn't motivated to get back into shape because what she picks up is you saying "I only can love you if you are in shape" or the like, rather than making it something that is good for her, for her health, whatever.

And what will happen when she gets older, and aging hits? Are you going to expect her to get massive plastic surgery to keep young? Or are you going to be like one of those guys who at a certain point, dumps her for a 25 year old with no wrinkles and breasts not going south?

I don't think your problem is BD/SM, to be honest, I think it is the whole relationship. Want to know one of the biggest reasons people let themselves go? Generally, it is because they get depressed and don't care any more, and often it is because they feel their spouse doesn't care about them any more. You have cut off intimacy with her and now have gone outside the relationship to get kinky needs met, and what that shows is what Stella and others have said, that you seem incredibly into yourself and not into the relationship.

Want my advice? I think the pro domme is a non issue, I think you would be much better working on your marriage, maybe figuring out that if your wife has let herself go, it may be she has issues/needs that is leaving her depressed, and instead of telling her to lose weight and get in shape to please you, how about figuring out what she needs? BTW, work that out, and then talk to her about it, but you better find a way to get intimacy back in your relationship, because trying to get her interested in domming you when you aren't even having sex is going to be a disaster. Want to know a dirty little secret? If you want your wife to get back into shape, to care about her appearance, then you need to give a shit about her to figure out why she has let herself go, not about your shame that you are no longer a 'hot couple' in your eyes, that is unbelievably shallow. I really hope there is more to your marriage than physical appearance, that the other factors are there, because otherwise, why did you marry her?

I am not judging you because you go to a pro domme (be pretty hypocritical), and I am not a perfect person, I have done things in my own life/relationship that aren't great, believe me, and things I am not proud of..but what you are doing is using the pro domme sessions to get off, instead of being intimate with your wife, and that is basically no different than having an affair where you deny your spouse sex because you are having it with someone else. Physically appearance is important, but if that is the whole basis to your relationship, it has a lot more problems then BD/SM play.

Ok, at least a well thought out post even though I disagree for the most part. At least it's not the burn that male at the stake post because he's not physically attracted to his over weight wife.

Anyway, I don't like the way I feel, I wish I didn't feel this way but I do. Also, we are not a couple who are in their 60's and slowing down, we are in our early 40's for crying out loud who travel extensively and eat at great restaurants etc etc, we live a good life on the business I built from scratch. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying our best to stay in shape for ourselves and for our child. I would like us both to be around in our 80's to see our grandchildren. I don't care about wrinkles as we grow older, there is nothing you can do about that. So NO, I don't expect her to get any plastic surgery even she does wants a tit job for herself. I just know that she can do better.
And yes, there have been other problems that may contribute to this particular problem and it seems we are in progression to get those issues worked out. Maybe I am seeing the Domme for the issues, so you may be right own that point. But I do actually feel the need deep down even if things were perfect.

Anyway, a lot of judge and jury on this site that's for sure. I just wanted to know if other people here see a Domme also outside the relationship.

 

[Loverskitten]

Well.....not to make excuses but we were married for one year before she got pregnant and then changed. It's not like we had a couple of years together and had fun as a good looking couple who took care of themselves. I find that not taking care of yourself is a sign of laziness, and that's my problem with it. It's like, ok I had a baby and now I don't have to try to turn my significant other anymore. She begged me to put the treadmill in the living room, I did, then the bedroom and I did, but hasn't been used ever except to hang clothes. Why it bothers me is that she didn't even try for the longest time and that she just accepted it as life when in fact she didn't even try. And I know if she just tried she could be her best. I disagree with you.

You still didn't answer my question, why did you get married? Because she was thin?

It's not laziness, she's depressed because she married a lying, cheating, selfish, douche who won't have sex with her. You obviously berate her for it as she called you shallow.

Ya know, she'd probably get plenty of daily exercise beating you with a single tail and some well placed stilettos. Just show her this thread.

 

[Kellydude666]

I see the issue here as 2 fold.....one...you are only talking about what you are physically attracted

in my opinion attraction should go much deeper then physical attraction if you are going to get married.....if you can't be more then physically attracted to someone...stay single and fuck them...until you like the look of something else

and two...tell your wife what is going on...I am sure that if the shoe was on the other foot...you would be upset

when I first read this post..I did not think you were cheating...but you are being dishonest and that is a type of cheating

I didn't marry my wife just for looks, but things have changed. And yes, you are right, I am being dishonest. I'm not proud of it by any means, I'm embarrassed by it. I think I'm probably just experimenting and then will stop sooner rather than later.

 

[Kellydude666]

You still didn't answer my question, why did you get married? Because she was thin?

It's not laziness, she's depressed because she married a lying, cheating, selfish, douche who won't have sex with her. You obviously berate her for it as she called you shallow.

Ya know, she'd probably get plenty of daily exercise beating you with a single tail and some well placed stilettos. Just show her this thread.

You are clueless. You have no idea about my life except for the little I revealed. "Berate" please lady, you need to get some action yourself before you throw out accusations. Ok let me guess, you are the girl who let herself get fat and that's why you're on this site. So people you have never met can imagine that your ugly self is some sort of beauty. Yeah, I married her because she was thin, are you that stupid??? Hard to believe but I do!

 

[KoPilot]

Really now??? I said that??? You sound like just another woman who thinks it's ok to not care about what turns your man on and you could be just lazy yourself. Sorry, but I'm physically attracted to what I'm physically attracted to, nothing wrong with that, it's called being a human being. Should I just pretend that it doesn't affect me? I love women like yourself when it comes to the weight issue, you can't take it and don't want to hear it. Like no one can ever bring it up, like it's the ultimate taboo, please....get a grip. It sounds like you've been dumped yourself because of it.

Would you like to talk to him about our relationship? I could put you in touch. He's actually a complex human being, though-- unlike you.

 

[KoPilot]

You are clueless. You have no idea about my life except for the little I revealed. "Berate" please lady, you need to get some action yourself before you throw out accusations. Ok let me guess, you are the girl who let herself get fat and that's why you're on this site. So people you have never met can imagine that your ugly self is some sort of beauty. Yeah, I married her because she was thin, are you that stupid??? Hard to believe but I do!

Wowow really? Throwing around "I BET YOU DONT GET LAID" insults like an 11 year old? Because that totally makes you look like a mature adult that's capable of handling a family and marriage.

Jesus, you've got more issues than the comic book store. I hope your D moonlights as a therapist.

 

[J D Danger]

I didn't marry my wife just for looks, but things have changed. And yes, you are right, I am being dishonest. I'm not proud of it by any means, I'm embarrassed by it. I think I'm probably just experimenting and then will stop sooner rather than later.

all you seem to care about are her looks..you won't make love to your wife because she does not look the same right?

I promise you...that fact only is killing her

you don't act embarrassed about being dishonest at all...if you are,,fix it..man up and tell your wife

if you want to continue experimenting..do so with your wife or at least in a world where she knows....it may change your relationship again...for the better

 

[Kellydude666]

Would you like to talk to him about our relationship? I could put you in touch. He's actually a complex human being, though-- unlike you.

No, that's ok because I really don't give a single shit about your life or your relationship, unlike you who has done nothing but judge so far without even answering my original question. There's a reason you hang on this site, take a look in the mirror. Good luck with your goal........

 

[KoPilot]

No, that's ok because I really don't give a single shit about your life or your relationship, unlike you who has done nothing but judge so far without even answering my original question. There's a reason you hang on this site, take a look in the mirror. Good luck with your goal........

You had your question answered, you stuck around, revealed yourself to be a crappy human being. Open mouth, insert foot. Ain't my fault, and it ain't my marriage that's gonna fail because of it, big man.

Have fun ignoring everyone in the thread!

 

[Kellydude666]

You had your question answered, you stuck around, revealed yourself to be a crappy human being. Open mouth, insert foot. Ain't my fault, and it ain't my marriage that's gonna fail because of it, big man.

Have fun ignoring everyone in the thread!

Haha, no problem fatty! What do you know, you've been married, what a year? Talk and judge when you've been married 10 years. Not going to ignore anyone here, just you.....

 

[curious_mommy]

Wow.

Instead of gaining up on him.. maybe we should see things through his point of view. We don't exactly know what's going on here.. maybe there are things going on that we don't know about.

Sure this guy seems to be attracted by physical appearances.. but honestly who isn't? I mean at first that's all you really see of a person.. unless you really get to know them.

I'm sure him and his wife we're happy when they got married. I'm sure they both we're attracted to how each other looks. I know me and my husband were. But things honestly do change after you have kids. You seem to drift apart. I should know I've had two. You do change as a couple. Emotionally and physically.

But I'm not saying I do agree with what he's said. I think you need to look at it as if you were your wife. What would you do if you were her? Would you be okay about what your doing? Sure, you are paying someone .. for what you want... even though you don't physically have sex. But.. your still getting off to it.. to me that's just as good as actually cheating on her. If she wanted you to, would you have sex with her? Your wife may have gained weight.. but she's still the women you married. You had to of married her for other reason's than just her weight.

I think you should take some time with just you and your wife, hire a baby sitter or a friend to watch your kid, and take your wife out somewhere you use to go before your child and before she gained weight. Have a night out just the two of you. Get to know each other again. Have fun. Have a couple of drinks. I'm not saying get drunk.. just loosen up a bit. Then just let things go from there. I'm sure you both could benefit from that.

I also think you should tell your wife exactly how you feel. I'm in a similar boat. My husband isn't the dominant type.. he's a complete submissive.. in every aspect of life. As much as I love him, and as wonderful of a father and husband he is.. he just isn't able to give me what I want. I wouldn't exactly do anything without his consent .. although I'm dying to explore my submissive side. And I just told him completely how I felt.. and what I'd like to do. He wasn't okay with it at first but.. the more I talked and told him.. the more he begin to understand. I advice you to do the same. She married you for a reason.. she loves you, she deserves to know how you feel.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Kellydud, you never answered my question {click the underlined link if you can't otherwise figure it out} way back at the top of the thread...

 

[LallyH]

Haha, no problem fatty! What do you know, you've been married, what a year? Talk and judge when you've been married 10 years. Not going to ignore anyone here, just you.....

Well, that's my green light then - married over 15 years, two kids. My weight fluctuated during/after both pregnancies, but my husband never ever made me feel inadequate or unattractive because of it, or pressured me to do something about it in the manner you appear to be doing with your wife. If he had, I would have felt crushed. Ever thought that maybe that's how your wife feels?

And fatty? Do grow up.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I want you to be thin does not equate to I want you to be happy.
Which is the most important for the person that you love?