Ok, very serious question.......

[Kellydude666]

I'm a professional male married a little over 10 years. Just started recently seeing a Dom, I've seen her three times already in a matter of weeks. Opening myself up, or I should say finding myself here, I think I will continue with seeing my Dom and continue the role playing. My wife knows nothing about it and I would never dream of letting my wife dominate me and show her how vulnerable I like to be in this new found lifestyle.

Am I doing something that is normal, or should I ask if others here are doing the same thing? Same as being romantically involved with one but seeing a Dom or Master on the side. Or is it when I read the posts here about all of you talking about your Dom's they are actually also your significant others? Would really appreciate the feedback on this question.

For some reason I feel I'm not cheating because there is no kissing or sex involved, just self masturbation at the end of the session.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

Buckle up buddy...you're in a for a bumpy ride here.

*waits for the judgement posting to begin*

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I'm a professional male married a little over 10 years. Just started recently seeing a Dom, I've seen her three times already in a matter of weeks. Opening myself up, or I should say finding myself here, I think I will continue with seeing my Dom and continue the role playing. My wife knows nothing about it and I would never dream of letting my wife dominate me and show her how vulnerable I like to be in this new found lifestyle.

Am I doing something that is normal, or should I ask if others here are doing the same thing? Same as being romantically involved with one but seeing a Dom or Master on the side. Or is it when I read the posts here about all of you talking about your Dom's they are actually also your significant others? Would really appreciate the feedback on this question.

For some reason I feel I'm not cheating because there is no kissing or sex involved, just self masturbation at the end of the session.

I'm not going to judge you or your actions, just ask a question:

If your wife had seen a male Dominant three times in the past few weeks - or seen a male submissive three times in the past few weeks, and dominated him - with no kissing or sex involved, just masturbating herself at the end of the session, how would you characterize her actions?

 

[Noor]

If you can't tell your significant other about it, it's cheating.

I would never dream of letting my wife dominate me and show her how vulnerable I like to be in this new found lifestyle.

why not?

 

[luvnmyboys]

Is there a reason that you don't want yo explore this with your wife? Have you ever discussed anything like this with her?

 

[wicked woman]

To answer your question, though I don't know if it will help, there are numerous situations here. Some are in a D/s relationship with their significant other. Some have a significant other as well as a D/s relationship, some with their significant other's knowledge and consent and some not. Others have a D/s relationship with a person who has a significant other who has knowledge of and consents to the relationship and some with those who don't.

In other words if you can imagine it, there's someone here who is in that situation.

There are fewer people seeing professionals although there are some who have posted that they have.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yes, you are cheating on your wife, and yes it's common-- which is kind of a version of normal. And I am not saying you shouldn't cheat on her, either, sometimes things just work out that way. But do own the fact, okay? And a pro is probably your best solution in this case. Getting involved with a Domme who does it for lurve is tricky.

I do not know your wife, and it's very possible that she will dump a lot of scorn on your head if you told her you like to bottom... but it's more possible than you think that this is exactly the kind of vulnerability she would love to know about and would love to offer you her domination by way of support and also orgasms of her own. A hella lot of women lead their own secret life, which they don't want to share with their husbands... Ask her if she's read 50 shades.

Check out the essay in my signature, which might change the way you view your submission, and -- maybe-- open up a way to further your own journey...

 

[LWulf]

Strange that Stella was the first to mention it but only in passing.

In the lifestyle, "Dom" is generally considered male while "Domme" is female. I believe "subs" are universal.

Just thought I'd mention that tidbit.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Strange that Stella was the first to mention it but only in passing.

In the lifestyle, "Dom" is generally considered male while "Domme" is female. I believe "subs" are universal.

Just thought I'd mention that tidbit.

And all three are very often misnomers

 

[LWulf]

And all three are very often misnomers

and some people are afraid of labels with clearly defined borders. *shrug*

 

[Kellydude666]

Is there a reason that you don't want yo explore this with your wife? Have you ever discussed anything like this with her?

No, I never have discussed this with her, I guess the biggest reason is I'm ashamed I like being a sub once in a while, not sure how she'll take it. She pretty straight laced, I don't think she'll lose her cool about it but she may look at me another way which I may not be ready for. We have not been intimate for quite a while so that may also be it. I'm in a very confused state right now which sucks to say.

 

[Kellydude666]

Yes, you are cheating on your wife, and yes it's common-- which is kind of a version of normal. And I am not saying you shouldn't cheat on her, either, sometimes things just work out that way. But do own the fact, okay? And a pro is probably your best solution in this case. Getting involved with a Domme who does it for lurve is tricky.

I do not know your wife, and it's very possible that she will dump a lot of scorn on your head if you told her you like to bottom... but it's more possible than you think that this is exactly the kind of vulnerability she would love to know about and would love to offer you her domination by way of support and also orgasms of her own. A hella lot of women lead their own secret life, which they don't want to share with their husbands... Ask her if she's read 50 shades.

Check out the essay in my signature, which might change the way you view your submission, and -- maybe-- open up a way to further your own journey...

She is a professional Domme, she's not someone who just took it up as a hobby. But i do get what you're saying.

 

[Netzach]

Guess what - you are not the norm on this board
1. you're male
2. you're a bottom
3. you're a client of a pro

This forum is not the norm of BDSM, in which you ARE the norm, more or less.

For every lifestyle femsub which is the major category in the doin it for lurrve camp, there is a man seeing a pro having his ass pulverized by a professional and NOT talking about it or sharing as much as she hops online and shares.

So if you're craving a feeling of normalcy, there you go.

As for "am I a cheating heel?" most people on this board will think so and tell you so.

I personally think

1. It's none of my fucking business
2. that there are people killing one another somewhere if you want to get really irate about something,
3. more irate than you get over some guy who has the decency to play a side game that has rules about where you put your penis
4. that generally married people DO know one another and HAVE tried a lot of things not to be in this position.

See, I personally can't fathom being in a relationship that wasn't transparent about sex, though sexual desires fluctuate a lot in the real world - but I can't fathom doing a lot of things other people happily manage to do well every day. So I really can't advise on this or even act like there's a right way. I have no idea. Maybe she would be righteously pissed off that you're doing this, does that make your desire just disappear? No. Maybe the right thing to do is that every single person with this problem get a divorce, or maybe that's completely cruel and idiotic, as though a marriage is founded on how people get off, when 90 percent of people don't even know what gets them off reliably let alone talk about it.

I was a pro myself, so my perspective tends to be a little generous to the client. Some are selfish shitheels, some genuinely have tried everything that can be tried with the wife and genuinely DO have "an otherwise great marriage" sometimes wives aren't so great simply because someone's doing something without their permission, and sometimes wives are cognizant and thrilled to get him pestering someone else to kiss their shoes for a change. And frankly it always remained - none of my fucking business.

Anyhoo -

Even in the "I have a master who's married" demographic, you're still a minority of about one to five on this board, because you're seeing a pro, which is a completely different world o' SM than the lifestyle one.

 

[KoPilot]

and some people are afraid of labels with clearly defined borders. *shrug*

And some of us really could give two shits about pointlessly gendered language.

 

[Stella_Omega]

No, I never have discussed this with her, I guess the biggest reason is I'm ashamed I like being a sub once in a while, not sure how she'll take it. She pretty straight laced, I don't think she'll lose her cool about it but she may look at me another way which I may not be ready for. We have not been intimate for quite a while so that may also be it. I'm in a very confused state right now which sucks to say.

She's reading slash fiction, bet you anything. Probably something with ropes and tentacles involved

No, I'm kidding-- She might actually BE that straight laced, but I can about guarantee she's jilling somehow.

But that's beside the point, when Netzach speak up, I listen.

In my area, the ProDommes and the LoveDommes intermingle a lot, and I know more of them than I ever expected to. I have met a grand total of umm... none, that weren't really pleasant to be around.

 

[desertslave]

Withdrawn due to further, revealing information.

 

[Dyslexicea]

and some people are afraid of labels with clearly defined borders. *shrug*

Maybe because not all of us can be pigeon holed into any one label.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe because not all of us can be pigeon holed into any one label.

My original intention was that most Doms and Dommes are Tops, and not necessarily dominant.

 

[Dyslexicea]

No, I never have discussed this with her, I guess the biggest reason is I'm ashamed I like being a sub once in a while, not sure how she'll take it. She pretty straight laced, I don't think she'll lose her cool about it but she may look at me another way which I may not be ready for. We have not been intimate for quite a while so that may also be it. I'm in a very confused state right now which sucks to say.

I tend to agree with Netzach. I really don't think anyone of us has a right to judge you and we surely don't live your life.

But I do think you need to talk to your wife, not necessarily about your desire to be a sub, but about your relationship. It just seems to me that her not wanting to be sexually intimate with you is an indication that something is wrong. It could be something as simple as a hormone imbalance, which isn't really simple but at least it's a simple explanation. More likely she feels something is wrong relationship wise.

My wife, Jessica, and I do easily talk about our sexual desires, at times the lack thereof, it does happen to all of us but we haven't always done so when it comes to our relationship. I think if we wouldn't have sought outside help we'd still be together but we wouldn't be happily together. Sometimes an outsider can see the things neither of you can see or want to admit to. In my case it was my passive aggressive behavior, something I think deep down I knew, a long with a tendency to suffer depression. Jessica had her problems also. Couples counseling led to each of us having separate session. The counseling helped, were happy and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been.

 

[Kellydude666]

I tend to agree with Netzach. I really don't think anyone of us has a right to judge you and we surely don't live your life.

But I do think you need to talk to your wife, not necessarily about your desire to be a sub, but about your relationship. It just seems to me that her not wanting to be sexually intimate with you is an indication that something is wrong. It could be something as simple as a hormone imbalance, which isn't really simple but at least it's a simple explanation. More likely she feels something is wrong relationship wise.

My wife, Jessica, and I do easily talk about our sexual desires, at times the lack thereof, it does happen to all of us but we haven't always done so when it comes to our relationship. I think if we wouldn't have sought outside help we'd still be together but we wouldn't be happily together. Sometimes an outsider can see the things neither of you can see or want to admit to. In my case it was my passive aggressive behavior, something I think deep down I knew, a long with a tendency to suffer depression. Jessica had her problems also. Couples counseling led to each of us having separate session. The counseling helped, were happy and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been.

I appreciate your response, you seem to make a good point. The problem is not her, it's me not wanting to be intimate, she wants to be intimate with me. I stopped being physically attracted to her when she got pregnant with our only child and she never lost the baby weight or even tried to. She thinks I'm shallow, but at the same time I keep myself in good shape so why can't she? I mean she's only been pregnant once and had at least 7 years to take it off especially since she was in great shape when we met and especially since she does like to look good when we go out. I really believe I'm not shallow, I can't help it to what I'm attracted to and what I'm not. Now recently she has lost some weight and is trying so I'm hoping we can reconnect physically and I really want to. We are also trying to be more patient with each when we speak to each other so that is getting better also. So I do have hope for our relationship.
I once brought up swinging to her because I thought it may be something exciting and we could try it together but she shot that down right away, and I don't blame her for that. But it also stops me from bringing up the sessions with my Domme. I don't think she would understand this really kinky side to me. I'm still surprised with it to be honest. Maybe it's just a phase I'm going through but I really got off with her being in control and her punishing me. I guess it's a form of cheating but I was wondering if other people in this site are also in a committed relationship but seeing an outside Dom or Domme.
By the way, I think my Domme is a pro, but what actually constitutes a pro from an amateur in this lifestyle? I mean she accepts tribute and she advertises as such.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Pros accept tribute.

And they don't make drama.

And they don't actually fall in love with thier clients, most of the time.

And they do what YOU want, not what they might want, because you are their meal ticket. They provide you a service. They should be very knowledgeable about the physical side of what they are doing, and willing to roleplay for you.

Dommes that are genuinely Dominant are very often overweight. They do things that make them happy for themselves, and they would expect that you do things that make them happy too.

Like, feed them cupcakes

And-- oh my fucking god, you shallow piece of shit, honor the woman who gave you your child.

Get it up for her. You owe her. Imagine anyone else you want to to make that happen, but give her a reason to give a shit about her looks, or about you.

Shame on you. Really.

 

[Loverskitten]

I appreciate your response, you seem to make a good point. The problem is not her, it's me not wanting to be intimate, she wants to be intimate with me. I stopped being physically attracted to her when she got pregnant with our only child and she never lost the baby weight or even tried to. She thinks I'm shallow, but at the same time I keep myself in good shape so why can't she? I mean she's only been pregnant once and had at least 7 years to take it off especially since she was in great shape when we met and especially since she does like to look good when we go out. I really believe I'm not shallow, I can't help it to what I'm attracted to and what I'm not. Now recently she has lost some weight and is trying so I'm hoping we can reconnect physically and I really want to.

Shallow. Seriously, why did you get married? You didn't realize people change? They gain/lose weight, they age (OHMYGOD!), sometimes they even get sick and lose all their hair. You married a person not a mannequin. /rant

 

[Kellydude666]

Shallow. Seriously, why did you get married? You didn't realize people change? They gain/lose weight, they age (OHMYGOD!), sometimes they even get sick and lose all their hair. You married a person not a mannequin. /rant

Well.....not to make excuses but we were married for one year before she got pregnant and then changed. It's not like we had a couple of years together and had fun as a good looking couple who took care of themselves. I find that not taking care of yourself is a sign of laziness, and that's my problem with it. It's like, ok I had a baby and now I don't have to try to turn my significant other anymore. She begged me to put the treadmill in the living room, I did, then the bedroom and I did, but hasn't been used ever except to hang clothes. Why it bothers me is that she didn't even try for the longest time and that she just accepted it as life when in fact she didn't even try. And I know if she just tried she could be her best. I disagree with you.

 

[DVS]

Strange that Stella was the first to mention it but only in passing.

In the lifestyle, "Dom" is generally considered male while "Domme" is female. I believe "subs" are universal.

Just thought I'd mention that tidbit.

I try to use domme and dom, just to keep the gender straight. I guess you could also use female dom or male domme, female top or male top, but I've always thought domme and dom were the descriptive labels. This might not be the choice of others, but it's good enough for me. I don't need to learn any new labels.

 

[midwestyankee]

Well.....not to make excuses but we were married for one year before she got pregnant and then changed. It's not like we had a couple of years together and had fun as a good looking couple who took care of themselves. I find that not taking care of yourself is a sign of laziness, and that's my problem with it. It's like, ok I had a baby and now I don't have to try to turn my significant other anymore. She begged me to put the treadmill in the living room, I did, then the bedroom and I did, but hasn't been used ever except to hang clothes. Why it bothers me is that she didn't even try for the longest time and that she just accepted it as life when in fact she didn't even try. And I know if she just tried she could be her best. I disagree with you.

Yes, you are making excuses and they're piss poor. Most people here are pretty open-minded about how you wet your Willy but are also pretty seriously biased in favor of being honorable to your spouse. What you expressed here is similar to the logic that middle school teachers contend with on a daily basis. Time to grow a pair and own up to being a selfish prick. I know whereof I speak, by the way, as I learned how to not be a similarly wife-blaming selfish oruck about four years ago.