Friends just entered the local kink scene... :/ Any advice?

[Allyourbase]

Hey people,

I'm mostly a lurker here nowadays, so I hope it's o.k. if I ask your thoughts on a subject.

Me and my partner of 17 years have always been kinky. He's a straight cis man. I am genderqueer, attracted to all kinds of people. We switch. The past year or so we started exploring our kink. Started going to play parties. At parties and with others, I feel most confident in the male part of my personality. My man is o.k. with that. It's been fun, a bit scary, intense. We're making some friends, recently found other play partners. We are taking our time, and up until now it's going well.

Now, long time friends of us, are going through a somewhat similar process. They're exploring their sexuality, mostly with other couples. And via a kink couple... they entered the kink scene.

Suddenly, they are everywhere. I see them going through new experiences and making friends at very high speed. I do think this is awesome for them, it makes their life so much more interesting, and they really seem to enjoy it. But now we're in the stage they will visit the play parties we visit.

For some reason, this makes me very uncomfortable. And I have no idea why?!

It's totally o.k. for people to explore new parts of their sexuality, right?
And they're friends, I like it when they're happy!
Also, I have shared things like this with them before, I should not feel uncomfortable around them, should I?
And these spaces are free for everyone to enter, they're not 'mine'.

Then why do I not feel safe anymore?

Is there a jealousy issue going on? Maybe my non-normative gender identity and queer sexuality makes me feel more vulnerable? Am I just being unreasonable?What is going on? I feel so silly!

Any thoughts, any advice?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Do you find yourself wanting to pee on every fire hydrant you pass?

 

[Allyourbase]

Do you find yourself wanting to pee on every fire hydrant you pass?

No, I just have a few favorite ones. What does that say? I'm a picky puppy?

 

[Stella_Omega]

No, I just have a few favorite ones. What does that say? I'm a picky puppy?

Well to get serious, I wonder if you have a reason for your apprehension. Like there's something telling you that these people are transphobic maybe? Something someone said a while back?

 

[Allyourbase]

Well to get serious, I wonder if you have a reason for your apprehension. Like there's something telling you that these people are transphobic maybe? Something someone said a while back?

Well, hm... maybe, yeah.

They're a straight cis couple, which is fine of course. I don't have many issues with the guy, he's intelligent and open minded. His wife, though, different... Has a certain kind of rigidity that makes you uncertain whether she will respect your boundaries. If such a feeling sounds familiar at all.

And now that you mention transphobia, I actually do remember something... the last time we talked about gender, at a party, was pretty toe curling. There was the usual micro-agressive 'women are just different from men'-kind of thing. Also: she has issues with feminine men.

Though my gender expression is totally fine with her, for as far as I heard. I guess I don't count as a feminine man to her...

 

[Allyourbase]

I can certainly understand your sense of apprehension. Having people you previously associated as *not* kinky, and not necessarily safe to be kinky around, show up to places that are your kinky playgrounds; has got to be a little like having one of your parents find your porn. Would it be worse to have them judge you for it, or to find out that your parents are into that stuff too?

Good point... that is how it feels.

 

[njlauren]

With things like kink, it can feel uncomfortable when you see people you know at events and such, because kink is one of those things that most people tend to keep in the realm of 'their alternate life', and when people we know enter that world, all kinds of things pop up..will they judge us, will they think that they are 'better' then us, it brings up all kinds of things. The thing you have to remember is if another couple is at a play party, they are into this too, and quite frankly, they might be just as uncomfortable as you were. Some people who have gotten into kink I know described the fear of being found out, as is they had a big "K" for kinky on their forehead..and those fears are generally just that.

 

[Allyourbase]

With things like kink, it can feel uncomfortable when you see people you know at events and such, because kink is one of those things that most people tend to keep in the realm of 'their alternate life', and when people we know enter that world, all kinds of things pop up..will they judge us, will they think that they are 'better' then us, it brings up all kinds of things. The thing you have to remember is if another couple is at a play party, they are into this too, and quite frankly, they might be just as uncomfortable as you were. Some people who have gotten into kink I know described the fear of being found out, as is they had a big "K" for kinky on their forehead..and those fears are generally just that.

Yeah, will they judge, etc... the works. Being found out is a minor issue, at least, with them, since they were some of the very few people who actually knew this about us.

Update: just had our first play party with one of them last night. The past week had been a rough week already, though, and I'm not sure it was the wisest thing to do. She really did her best, and so did I. It was... a bit more difficult for me than I thought it would be. I especially have a hard time adjusting to the thought we will probably be sharing play partners at some point in the future.

My partner told me to either just get used to it, or decide we are not cut out for this stuff, but he's not going to let his choice in partners decide by what our friends do. I guess he is right. Now if the emotions would also just agree with that, that would be awesome. *sighs* Some days I wish I was the stoic type...