Help ease my husband into...

[xhibitionbabe]

My husband likes to try new things, but he doesn't take them seriously. I enjoy a mild dom\sub relationship in the bedroom where I'm the sub but the problem is he is too gventle with me and scared to hurt my feelings or hurt me physically. I've given him a safe word if we need it but he has never even gotten close to my breaking point. I want to know if there's a way I could get him as into it as I am. I feel like I've tried everything..

 

[DarkPleasures]

You cannot "make" him enjoy BDSM anymore than he can "make" you stop.

 

[Emerson40]

We had friends dealing with the same situation a few years ago. His point of view was that although he really wanted to make his wife happy in the fantasy department, he really struggled with providing what she wanted - paddling, spanking, caning, and rope play being some of it.
They had safe words, she gave him every assurance, but in his mind he equated these things with violence, and ANY violence directed at someone you love was just a no-go zone with him.
They tried, and after a short while into a session he stopped things. He felt terrible and had genuine feelings of guilt for some time for what he had done. We never heard just what it was, but assumed it involved some form of physical contact (spanking, paddling, etc), as this was one of the main insurmountable issues for him.
His reasons for this are his own and not really relevant. The point I'm trying to make echoes the previous posts - you can't make a rabbit be a bear, even if the rabbit is willing to try being a bear.

 

[respeito]

Hi, xhibitionbabe. Like the other posts above me have mentioned, it may not be a good idea to force your husband into D/s play, even if it is mild. From what you've explained, it sounds as if he's uncomfortable with the play. The idea is for you both to have an enjoyable and stimulating experience in the bedroom. Forcing him to be aggressive or call you names that he's not comfortable with won't make for a pleasurable evening.

Also, D/s play doesn't always have to involve heavy painful activities. Examples may include: a tease and denial session, light foot worship (with or without shoes), light bondage, servitude.

Sensation play is another option. It's great for beginners who are wanting to...get their feet wet in the BDSM lifestyle. It's an exercise that involves stimulating the body with certain items, such as ice, clamps, warm objects. Light bondage and role-playing can even be used when engaging with sensation play and can heighten the game.

I think it's great that your husband is open to try new things, because there are endless ways to spice things up in the bedroom, and maybe one day he may open to the idea of light D/s play, but for now...don't force him.

be golden.

 

[njlauren]

I have to agree, there isn't really any way to force it. Have you ever asked him outside the guilt of hurting you like that, if he has ever felt any attraction to it, besides the guilt over hurting you?

The reason I ask the question is that possibly (and I am only saying that possibly) is that he has some issues with the physical activity, maybe driven by other things (hypothetically, he was beaten as a child or saw his mother beaten by his father), that colors this (obviously, those are just examples) but could be attracted to it? As some say, it may be he simply isn't into it, or it could be he has associated it with abuse as some people do, and can't get over that.

The reason I ask is there are scene friendly counselors out there who may be able to help if it is the fear rather then who he is; no therapist can change someone, but if in some way he actually likes it but is afraid of it, they may be able to help.Look up the website for a woman called Gloria Braeme, she is both scene and a sex counselor and there may be something on her website.She also does phone work as a therapist and might be able to help you come to some answers, too, or suggestions, from what I know of her she is pretty good, and unlike some understands the real world dynamics of things, people working out D/s in their lives,etc.Maybe talking to someone, if his problem is fear of hurting you, of talking to someone like her who is a trained sexologist and knowledgeable would help him...though obviously, if he is not into it he isn't into it, but if maybe he is interested but has issues with it hurting you, this might possibly work. He may not be interested in working on it, and at that point prob not much you can do.

I had a scene positive therapist (actually into it), and from I know of her she was a heck of a player from what others told me, but she couldn't play that hard with women, no matter how much they wanted it, that she reserved for men, even though she loved hard play, it was her own issue with it..so that does happen.

I wish you luck, and I would suggest trying to figure out who your H is before attempting to get him more involved, it can't be forced.

Speaking of my own experience directly, a lot of people have hangups with this kind of play who otherwise might enjoy it, because they have been fed a lot of bad information about it, assume it is people who are mentally ill and so forth,and that happened in my own life, it took a lot of discussion and explanations and learning for my spouse to understand the difference between play and abuse, pain and sensation play, and why they are different. On top of everything else, she had a background of abuse, which further complicated the mix.....it worked for us, because it turned out she had a thing for it.....

 

[f15]

njlauren has really given some good information. My current girlfriend and I are slowly easing into some stuff. What works for us seems to be emailing or texting what is on our mind. It won't work for everyone but it gives someone a chance to respond without the pressure of directly talking about it. It just seems to work for us. I really have my own views about people and their sexuality and in most cases if you can just get a person to open up their eyes they will realize what a beautiful thing it is to have your partner enjoy their wanting of sex.

If you have a safeword then you have established a safety barrier. If it was me personally and you wanted a spanking I would tear dat ass up Lol..... It just really boils down to communication and getting into his head. Remember a guy thinks with his dick so try to act on it.

 

[270buck]

I am in the the same situation with my wife.

 

[blulilacgrl]

You say you feel like you have tried everything but just for clarification can you explain what everything is?

Have you talked to him in detail about what you want. And I mean beyond "I want you to spank/whip/cane me. Here is my safe word. Let's go"

I mean have you explained why you like it, why you you want to go 'there'. Have you talked about how important it is to you?

I am assuming you have, but just in case you haven't you need to be able to articulate for him what you are wanting and why.

Also you don't say how long you have given him to adjust to this new dynamic. My husband is a very gentle man, and he too wanted to be open to exploring and trying new things, but it took a while for him to work up to the level of what is now perfect.

But it still took quite a few in depth conversations about what I wanted and why and time for him to feel comfortable. But I will say that the big click for him was when I could tell him why I wanted/liked/needed it. I think once he felt like there was a purpose and it wasn't just "play", it changed the way he approached it. But still it was not an overnight, or even a few weeks, transformation. It took months of him making small steps. But that was his pace and I needed to accept that.

Good luck.

 

[nakdsub]

I am of the same mind as some here...

You should not try to make him do something he is not comfortable with...that said,

You may want to try something one of my girlfriends and I used to do; instead of a safe word, use lights...

Green light; harder; deeper; more...
Yellow light; right there, that's good, no harder but no easier
Red light: ouch, too much, dial back a bit.

The victim uses these instead of a safe word.

 

[BertrandRussell]

This issue has been explored in some depth before: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=670706

 

[amofiga]

I had the same sorts of issues because I was raised by parents who drummed into me how necessary it was to be nice and gentle and respectful of women. However, I had several lady friends who enjoyed various levels of BDSM sorts of play and even my wife likes spanking and some bondage. It had to be explained to me that for the most part (and I know there are those who are more seriously into it as a life style) lots of BDSM play is just that....play acting, role play, whatever you want to call it. It's a means of letting out that "other side of you" that you normally repress, come out and express itself. I think everyone of us has a certain level of submissiveness, dominance, aggressiveness, etc that we usually keep in check as part of our day to day social interaction. However, when we have a significant other that trusts us enough to want to let that part of their personality have some free time with a "hall pass", then we should respect that other person and help give them what they want.

I had to learn to understand that my partner(s) sometimes needed something outside of what many people consider "regular sex" in order to feel fulfilled so in effect, I wasn't "hurting" them by participating but "helping" them. Once into it, I learned that I could very much enjoy letting free the aggressive dominant side of me that I had been taught to surpress by my parents. Once free of this history, I was able to enjoy some of the erotic joys of light BDSM. I've never been into really hurting someone, but supplying a spanking red ass or even some smacks with a crop or some truly humiliating dominating role play can be a great erotic release for both partners.

There some books about BDSM role play and some DVD's. Try them. Let your hubby read some of the responses here if it won't upset thim that you post here.

 

[f15]

You should not try to make him do something he is not comfortable with...that said,

You may want to try something one of my girlfriends and I used to do; instead of a safe word, use lights...

Green light; harder; deeper; more...
Yellow light; right there, that's good, no harder but no easier
Red light: ouch, too much, dial back a bit.

The victim uses these instead of a safe word.

That is actually a good idea. It lets both the offense and defense (lol) know when things are at a comfort level and doesn't end the scene with a simple safeword.

My girlfriend and I were talking about the 50 Shades of Gray this weekend. Neither one of us have read it but she did read me a review of it and I totally understand why the book is popular. Society has put a painted mask on how sex should be and the fact is it could not be farther from the truth. I lived in a marriage that was sexless for a long time and quite frankly my advice to anyone who is in that situation of not getting what they want sexually to take a hard look at your life.

The difference between the OP and myself is once I broke free from not getting what I wanted sexually it definitely flipped a switch and now I am not afraid to tell my lover what I want. But that also goes for respecting their position and views on certain things but we live this one life and sex is the ultimate high IMO. Most humans have the urges the OP is inquiring about but it is a matter of unlocking the door.......

 

[Kim_Burly]

I was in a similar situation a couple years back. I'm divorced now, indirectly because of my need. I have a Dom that I see 3-4 hours every other weekend. If I had to do it again, I don't know what I'd do differently, tread lightly with your man. Sorry I can't be of more help, it's a difficult spot to be in and I think we have a lot more company than we'll ever know. Control your urges.

 

[bob53]

Looking at it from the other side - I was in a relationship with someone that was into a fair amount of pain.
It took me a while along with a fair amount of research to wrap my head around despite the fact that I could see how much she did enjoy the small amount I could let myself "go there" originally.

Yes it would put her over the edge to orgasm a LOT faster when the types of pain that she was requesting were applied. That along with the research (reading) did allow me to go there with her BUT it really was outside of I was normally comfortable with.
It does take a bit ( Actually a LOT ) to adjust mentally and to be open to just accept that this (pain) is just a part of his person I am involved with.
It made me get out of the judgements that our society puts on pain and just accept your partner as they are.

 

[blksoldier]

My husband likes to try new things, but he doesn't take them seriously. I enjoy a mild dom\sub relationship in the bedroom where I'm the sub but the problem is he is too gventle with me and scared to hurt my feelings or hurt me physically. I've given him a safe word if we need it but he has never even gotten close to my breaking point. I want to know if there's a way I could get him as into it as I am. I feel like I've tried everything..

Just give it time trust me once you get to that point of satisfaction destination will worth the journey

 

[123Josh]

Time to hit the sex toy shop.