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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington and at how my life was falling apart I saw a yard sign that said:


NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787


Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
 
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cLqBF5yjMy4/UDZf9gf3mAI/AAAAAAAAQnE/uoCeaKwd-EE/s1600/Rodney-Dangerfield.jpg

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
 
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied… ‘The rest are for your father!’
 
TonyClifton said:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cLqBF5yjMy4/UDZf9gf3mAI/AAAAAAAAQnE/uoCeaKwd-EE/s1600/Rodney-Dangerfield.jpg

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Click to expand...

After his death Rodney did get lots of respect.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex…
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
 
Manure ... An interesting fact

... an old history lesson ....


Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.



It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the cargo was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!






Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction “ Stow high in transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the vessel would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.





Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.


Neither did I.

I always thought it was a golf term.
 
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
 
The following study explains so much.

It's not aging, it's the door !

"Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only

to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out,

doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.



Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered

that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an "event

boundary" in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and

memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts

you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for

the new locale."



It's not aging, it's the door!



Whew! Thank goodness for studies
 
All these years
A woman awoke in the middle of the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.
“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 17?” he asked.
“Yes, I do,” she replied.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or you will spend the next twenty years in jail?”
“Yes, I sure do.”
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know…I would have gotten out today.”
 
"I'm dating Susan??" LOL.. I didn't see that one coming. Busy Afternoon, keep up the good work. Oops, forgot to reference the joke.
 
Last edited:
Thank you Sweettreat

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
‘These she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’

She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’

A spry old gentleman answered,

‘They send us on bus tours!’
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies.

‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Click to expand...

"No," he said, "I told her I was 90."
 
A large breasted lady had a parrot. Every day, she got undressed and dressed in front of the parrot. Every time the parrot would squawk and say "You got big breasts! You got big breasts! The lady finally had enough of it and said "You dirty little bird! That's it! I'm gonna stick you in the freezer in for an hour as punishment!"
While the parrot is in the freezer, he's shivering. He squawked "it's cold in here! It's cold in here!
Sure enough, he comes out after an hour. The lady tells "I hope you learned your lesson. Next time you're going in for TWO hours."
Bird says nothing for a couple days. On the third day the lady gets undressed in front of the parrot. The bird squawks "You got big breasts! You got big breasts!" Sure enough the lady sticks him into the freezer.
While the parrot is in the freezer, he glances around and sees a frozen chicken. He asks the chicken "What did you do? Ask for a BJ?"
 
A group of bikers make a pit stop for some gas. While fueling, an old lady steps out of the store, approaches the bikers and asks if she can join their group. The president of the bikers steps up and says "You can join if you answer these questions right. Do you have a bike?"
The old lady points and says "That's my hog just around the corner there."
The biker nods his head and asks "Do you use tobacco?"
The old lady says "When I'm riding I use chewing tobacco and when I'm not I smoke cigars."
The bikers says "OK. Last question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a second and says "Well no, but I've been swung around by the nipples."
 
I'll start with my favourite truly bad ones...

How do you make a bear cross?
Nail 2 together.

A man took his crossed eyed rottweiler to the vet and said "Doc, his eyes are all whacked out. Can you do anything for him?" Rolling up his sleeves the vet replied "lets take a look here" and picked the dog by his ears and looked in his eyes. After a minute or 2, the vet said "I'm going to have to put him down." Shocked the owner cried "because he's cross eyed?" The vet replied "No, because he's heavy"
 
HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY: Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
 
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