BusyAfternoon
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Tell a Joke
- Thread starter in_oral_office
- Start date
CandiCame
Rocket Grunt
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Long way to go for a punchline, but this was one of the rare ones where it's worth it.
Well done, sir, well played!
BusyAfternoon
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The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Don, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Don had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Don if the rumor was true.
Don assured him that it was. The banker then asked Don the age of his new bride to be. Don proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Don should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Don thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Don in town again.
'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.
Don proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Don said, 'She's pregnant too.'
The banker saw his old friend Don, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Don had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Don if the rumor was true.
Don assured him that it was. The banker then asked Don the age of his new bride to be. Don proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Don should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Don thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Don in town again.
'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.
Don proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Don said, 'She's pregnant too.'
BusyAfternoon
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A GOOD MENTAL
"I married a widow. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my .own grandson."
"I married a widow. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my .own grandson."
BusyAfternoon
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Philosophical Discussion:
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts IS more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive reasoning, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts IS more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
BusyAfternoon
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This Time You Gave Me A Mountain....Frankie Laine....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlR-UrQ9T1g&feature=player_detailpage
In Laine's autobiography That Lucky Old Son, he stated that "Marty Robbins once told me that he'd been trying to bring 'You Gave Me a Mountain' to my attention for several years before he finally succeeded in November 1968. I wish he'd been quicker about it. There were many times in the mid-60s when I longed for a song of its quality."[1]
The lyrics to the song detail a series of challenges that the singer has endured in his life, including the death of his mother while giving birth to him, a time spent in prison "for something that I never done" and the singer's wife taking their child and leaving. He describes these setbacks as hills that he has scaled in the past, but then states that "this time, Lord, you gave me a mountain / A mountain you know I may never climb". The original third line of Robbins' song mentioned that he was "despised and ignored by my father", but Laine requested that this line be changed to "deprived of the love of my father" when he recorded his version, since Laine's father had died shortly before the recording took place.[1]
In Laine's autobiography That Lucky Old Son, he stated that "Marty Robbins once told me that he'd been trying to bring 'You Gave Me a Mountain' to my attention for several years before he finally succeeded in November 1968. I wish he'd been quicker about it. There were many times in the mid-60s when I longed for a song of its quality."[1]
The lyrics to the song detail a series of challenges that the singer has endured in his life, including the death of his mother while giving birth to him, a time spent in prison "for something that I never done" and the singer's wife taking their child and leaving. He describes these setbacks as hills that he has scaled in the past, but then states that "this time, Lord, you gave me a mountain / A mountain you know I may never climb". The original third line of Robbins' song mentioned that he was "despised and ignored by my father", but Laine requested that this line be changed to "deprived of the love of my father" when he recorded his version, since Laine's father had died shortly before the recording took place.[1]
Balladeer08
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Very interesting, but did you put it in the right thread? Or am I missing the joke?
Balladeer08
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Ouch. That hurts to think about.
BusyAfternoon
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A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked him.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move. answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?! the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst! And it didn’t move.
How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked him.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move. answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?! the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst! And it didn’t move.
BusyAfternoon
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Eiffel Tower Modifications are now Complete
Same thing is planned for the Washington Monument next year.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/33500869/Eiffel.jpg
Same thing is planned for the Washington Monument next year.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/33500869/Eiffel.jpg
BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, seemingly confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, seemingly confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
BusyAfternoon
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Not Funny But Interesting
THE WORLD'S GREATEST MOTOR-SPORTING EVENT - The "ISLE of MAN" TT.
New TT Fans every day from every corner of the world. Top Speed 190-206mph over a 38 mile road circuit.
http://vimeo.com/46856767
THE WORLD'S GREATEST MOTOR-SPORTING EVENT - The "ISLE of MAN" TT.
New TT Fans every day from every corner of the world. Top Speed 190-206mph over a 38 mile road circuit.
http://vimeo.com/46856767
shamelessZZZ
The Old Dog.
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ZZZ . ,, It was awesome the way the riders handled the bikes. ,, and at that speed.
BusyAfternoon
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
BusyAfternoon
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Again, Interesting.
How to Get to Mars - HD (FULL SCREEN)
NASA's Mars Exploration Rover Mission (MER) is an ongoing robotic space mission involving two rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, exploring the planet Mars. It began in 2003 with the sending of the two rovers—MER-A Spirit and MER-B Opportunity—to explore the Martian surface and geology.
(Imperative to watch FULL SCREEN)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRCIzZHpFtY&feature=player_embedded
How to Get to Mars - HD (FULL SCREEN)
NASA's Mars Exploration Rover Mission (MER) is an ongoing robotic space mission involving two rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, exploring the planet Mars. It began in 2003 with the sending of the two rovers—MER-A Spirit and MER-B Opportunity—to explore the Martian surface and geology.
(Imperative to watch FULL SCREEN)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRCIzZHpFtY&feature=player_embedded
BusyAfternoon
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THE ARAB & THE SCOTSMAN
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case it was found to be required during the procedure. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to other hospitals.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik this time did not reciprocate his gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the sheik and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"._
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case it was found to be required during the procedure. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to other hospitals.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik this time did not reciprocate his gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the sheik and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"._
BusyAfternoon
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Wife texts husband .........
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely fucked up now."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely fucked up now."
BusyAfternoon
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Everybody was somebody sometime...
WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER
You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired...
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”
WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER
You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired...
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”
BusyAfternoon
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The best 6 affairs
________________________________________________________________
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
________________________________
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
________________________________
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow
you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
________________________________
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
________________________________
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
________________________________
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
________________________________________________________________
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
________________________________
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife:
'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
________________________________
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow
you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
________________________________
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
________________________________
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
________________________________
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
BusyAfternoon
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 20, 2012
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How Many....
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, dad; how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised answers; Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions. "onions ? said the son, Yes, you see them and they make you cry...
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, mom, how many kinds of "willies" are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard, his 30s to 40s, it is like a birch, flexible and reliable. After his 50s it is like a Christmas Tree.
A Christmas tree? says the daughter, Yes says mom; dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!!!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, dad; how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised answers; Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50 they are like onions. "onions ? said the son, Yes, you see them and they make you cry...
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, mom, how many kinds of "willies" are there?
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard, his 30s to 40s, it is like a birch, flexible and reliable. After his 50s it is like a Christmas Tree.
A Christmas tree? says the daughter, Yes says mom; dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!!!
Rolando2
A Very Nice Dirty Old Man
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- Jan 27, 2011
- Posts
- 1,815
George has been in Washington State for some time now.
The gang at work have been a lot of bragging about their skills
and adventures fishing and hunting, Josie was fascinated by the
hunting part, especially when it was bears. Embarrassed to be
the only one on shift that had never 'bagged' a bear Josie made
up his mind. He'd go hunting for bear so he could join in the
brag breaks.
Josie goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear
takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps Josie on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two
choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop
your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you up the ass."
Our Josie, intrepid hunter that he is, decides that anything is
better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over.
The bear does what he said he would do. After the bear leaves,
Josie pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's
pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. Josie sees the
same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps Josie on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, poor sore Josie the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back
into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's insanely mad. He returns to the
forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
Josie flat on his ass..
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him
and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
The gang at work have been a lot of bragging about their skills
and adventures fishing and hunting, Josie was fascinated by the
hunting part, especially when it was bears. Embarrassed to be
the only one on shift that had never 'bagged' a bear Josie made
up his mind. He'd go hunting for bear so he could join in the
brag breaks.
Josie goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear
takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps Josie on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two
choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop
your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you up the ass."
Our Josie, intrepid hunter that he is, decides that anything is
better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over.
The bear does what he said he would do. After the bear leaves,
Josie pulls up his trousers again and staggers back into town. He's
pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. Josie sees the
same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps Josie on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, poor sore Josie the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back
into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he's insanely mad. He returns to the
forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
Josie flat on his ass..
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him
and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
BusyAfternoon
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2012
- Posts
- 2,041
Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
Don't Teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement
To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman."
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
Dying
Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without you?"
Wife: " idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!"
Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband on Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It and I Didn't Have Money That Time and I said "Baby It'll Be Yours One Day ... "
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: "Yeah I Remember That My Love!"
Husband: "I‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop"
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Your Ticket Get Your Wife's Ticket Free.
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave The Same Reply..."What Trip?"
Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in good mood, don’t discuss your problems, no TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be okay."
On the way home.. Husband: "what did the doc say ?"
Wife:- .No chance for you to survive
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.."
Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: "Hi Jim How are You?
Wife Asks: "How Does He Know You? "
Jim Says: "Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him"
Inside Barman Says: "The Usual Jim?"
Jim Says To Wife: "Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team."
Next A Lap Dancer Says: "Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?"
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
Lion pounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly pounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: "Yes, Yes. I'm changing the battery of my camera"
Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Spouse.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
Dear Mother-in-law,
Don't Teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement
To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman."
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
An intelligent wife
''An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much
That Her Husband Can't Afford Another Women"
Dying
Husband texts to wife on cell..
"Hi, what r u doing Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without you?"
Wife: " idiot! I'm dying my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English Language!"
Angry wife to her husband
An Angry Wife To Her Husband on Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ...?"
Husband: Darling You Remember That Jewellery Shop Where You Saw The Diamond Necklace n Totally Fell In Love With It and I Didn't Have Money That Time and I said "Baby It'll Be Yours One Day ... "
Wife, With A Smile & Blushing: "Yeah I Remember That My Love!"
Husband: "I‘m in the Pub Just Next To That Shop"
A Special Package for Business Men.
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Your Ticket Get Your Wife's Ticket Free.
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave The Same Reply..."What Trip?"
Husband was seriously ill
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in good mood, don’t discuss your problems, no TV serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels,
Do this for 1 yr & he will be okay."
On the way home.. Husband: "what did the doc say ?"
Wife:- .No chance for you to survive
New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling"
The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.."
Wife treats husband
A Wife Treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday ..
At The Club: Doorman Says: "Hi Jim How are You?
Wife Asks: "How Does He Know You? "
Jim Says: "Oh Dear, I Play Football with Him"
Inside Barman Says: "The Usual Jim?"
Jim Says To Wife: "Before You Say Anything, He's On the Darts Team."
Next A Lap Dancer Says: "Hi Jim
Do You Crave Special Again?"
The Wife Storms Out Dragging Jim With Her & Jumps Into A Taxi..
Driver Says "Hey Jimmy Boy, You Picked Up An Ugly One This Time.."
Jim's Funeral Is On Sunday
Lion pounced on wife
In an African Safari, A LION suddenly pounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: "Yes, Yes. I'm changing the battery of my camera"
Part & Art of living
Having "WIFE" Is A Part Of Living...
But Having "GIRLFRIEND" Along With The "WIFE" Is Art Of Living.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches Volcanoes to erupt, Tsunamis to devastate, Hurricanes to sway around & no one teaches How to choose a Spouse.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.
BusyAfternoon
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2012
- Posts
- 2,041
INSTANT VERTIGO/ACROPHOBIA
http://twistedsifter.sifter.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/fixing-antenna-empire-state-building-instant-vertigo.jpg
Deke Johnson, left, and Tom Silliman work 1,385 feet (422m) above street level to repair the electrical connections of an FM antenna atop the Empire State Building. Below you can see the heads of onlookers looking up from the observation deck.
Acrophobia is an extreme or irrational fear of heights. It belongs to a category of specific phobias, called space and motion discomfort that share both similar etiology and options for treatment. Vertigo is often used (incorrectly) to describe a fear of heights, but it is more accurately a spinning sensation that occurs when one is not actually spinning.
It can be triggered by looking down from a high place, or by looking straight up at a high place or tall object, but this alone does not describe vertigo. True vertigo can be triggered by almost any type of movement (e.g. standing up, sitting down, walking) or change in visual perspective (e.g. squatting down, walking up or down stairs, looking out of the window of a moving car or train). Vertigo is qualified as height vertigo when referring to dizziness triggered by heights. [Source]
http://twistedsifter.sifter.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/fixing-antenna-empire-state-building-instant-vertigo.jpg
Deke Johnson, left, and Tom Silliman work 1,385 feet (422m) above street level to repair the electrical connections of an FM antenna atop the Empire State Building. Below you can see the heads of onlookers looking up from the observation deck.
Acrophobia is an extreme or irrational fear of heights. It belongs to a category of specific phobias, called space and motion discomfort that share both similar etiology and options for treatment. Vertigo is often used (incorrectly) to describe a fear of heights, but it is more accurately a spinning sensation that occurs when one is not actually spinning.
It can be triggered by looking down from a high place, or by looking straight up at a high place or tall object, but this alone does not describe vertigo. True vertigo can be triggered by almost any type of movement (e.g. standing up, sitting down, walking) or change in visual perspective (e.g. squatting down, walking up or down stairs, looking out of the window of a moving car or train). Vertigo is qualified as height vertigo when referring to dizziness triggered by heights. [Source]
BusyAfternoon
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2012
- Posts
- 2,041
Lawsuit against hospital
A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after
them treating her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.
The hospital spokesman replied “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight!!”
How To start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
A woman had sued her local hospital saying that after
them treating her husband recently he had lost all interest in sex.
The hospital spokesman replied “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct his eyesight!!”
How To start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
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