How to help passive insecure husband to become Dom?

[celestina]

Happy to provide more details if wanted/needed, but nutshell version:

Married for 13 years. Long spell of no sex, but we are now talking about everything, going to counseling, etc.
Turns out we both have a strong desire for a Dom/sub relationship. I've known this about myself for a long time, but it took a crisis (his affairs) to open the door and get us to address long overdue issues.
The exact D/s parameters have not been defined yet, nor really explored as such, but, he and I both would like him to take a much more aggressive role in our sex life.

Not wanting to speak for him, I can say one problem is perhaps he's "too nice" and respectful. He hasn't quite learned how to ask for, let alone demand, what he would like from me sexually.
We are easing back into a sexual relationship. So far it consists of me willingly giving him head every night, without him asking for it, though gladly accepting it.
He's let himself be too comfortable in the passive role, even though he has this long-held desire to be more forceful. I'm happy to fill that role also - though not necessarily from a Domme position - and be his cock slave or whatever.

I've made it clear how much I love sucking his cock and that even when we do finally re-enter "sex"/fucking, it doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey romance novel stuff... I'm into just being taken and fucked hard just because he needs to get off.

So, I would like any and all sincere input.
I have mostly explored my sub side here on Lit, in chat.. and it's what I'm drawn to in the stories here.
But we definitely need some help taking a stale, previously vanilla sex life into another realm.

thank you kindly,
celestina

 

[Stella_Omega]

Here is a post from someone who was successful. I think it's worth reading;

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=827635

If it is-- and if you have anything to add to it, as I'm sure you do-- feel free to add your thoughts to it

 

[xssve]

Well you're way ahead of a lot of women, at least he didn't just back out - but I really don't know - testosterone treatment? Rough porn? Might help him get over his idealization of women to see some women acting like total sluts.

Maybe even you, i.e., drop trou and start writhing around and clutching at yourself, put on a show, and show gratitude for whatever he does, given that might actually result in performance anxiety for some guys, i.e., don't scare him off.

Hard to say without knowing either one of you, he might have a had a number done on his head, religious upbringing, etc., or he might just be a fucking slacker - you'll have play it by ear and make those calls.

My ex used to just try to kill me when she wanted it rough, but I don't recommend it.

 

[Kim_Burly]

First off, find out what he wants. Does he want to spank you, tie you up, humiliate you? Once you find that out you are half way home. I can only offer other suggestions from my limited D/s experience. First talk dirty, the normal stuff "Fuck me with your big cock", "Fuck me you Bastard". Say it with passion and intensity. Do it while you are riding him, grope your own boobies and moan so he knows you are enjoying yourself. Call him Sir or Master while you are alone or having sex. Call yourself his "His slut". Ask him "Can your slut suck your cock Master?" Suprise him, lick his butt hole while you are sucking him, offer him your butt.

You could also challange him a little, get pushy with him, make him "take" you. Lots of guys like to wrestle. Good luck and have fun exploring!

 

[xssve]

Yeah, like I said, don't know about that last part, he's passive and insecure according to the OP, getting too aggressive might just shut him down.

Better, I think you should get a Fet account, check out you local community, see if there is maybe a bondage clinic or something you could attend.

Munches can be unpredictable, but larger conventions and the like should be largely devoid of micro-agendas and politics that can plague smaller groups and turns even seasoned people off on munches - not that they're all that bad, just depends on the people, but going in cold it's hard to know what to expect.

Anyway, it might make him more comfortable with the whole idea to see other people doing their thing.

 

[JamieJ424]

I would say they most important thing you can do is give him control and see if he likes it and how he reacts. Ask him what you should wear to bed. Ask him how you should trim your pussy. Ask him how he wants to fuck you. If he has a dominant bone in his body, he should take that ball and run with it.

Good luck to you both,

J

 

[DVS]

OK, you've found this new connection between you two. Talk about what kinds of kinky fun you both like and don't like. Find a common ground and go with that. Sexual exploration is fun, when you have someone who is willing to explore it with you.

Sometimes it takes a while to allow your inner dominant or inner submissive to really come out. Don't push, don't shove and don't force. Wanting something to happen before it's ready can discourage things. Nurture your connection with him and let it all happen in its own time, with just a little tweaking here and there.

 

[celestina]

Really appreciating everyone's input. I will share this thread with him when he is ready to start exploring more. Until then, this is very helpful in helping ME understand what I'm wanting.

 

[Netzach]

It's really hard living a normal life with long work hours and melting into the couch watching old History channel crap and periodically getting to the gym together and trying to eat better and all these super mundane boring things that require attention - and we don't even HAVE spawn!

And then trying to get into your hind brain and suddenly flip an ass in the air for sodomizing - it's just unnatural to do out out of nowhere sometimes. You need something, and you need something much sexier than an earnest talking to, you need a wriggle or a hot note on your desk in the morning, or something inspiring.

 

[subwannabe]

What kind of affairs did he have? Was he more dominant with them?

 

[Daxaeha]

It's really hard living a normal life with long work hours and melting into the couch watching old History channel crap and periodically getting to the gym together and trying to eat better and all these super mundane boring things that require attention - and we don't even HAVE spawn!

And then trying to get into your hind brain and suddenly flip an ass in the air for sodomizing - it's just unnatural to do out out of nowhere sometimes. You need something, and you need something much sexier than an earnest talking to, you need a wriggle or a hot note on your desk in the morning, or something inspiring.

^Beautiful.

 

[fit2betied]

I applaud you both for keeping it together. Sad that it took an affair to bring out the truth or at least the issue. I write to you in support, as a happily married male, who is frustrated with his sexuality. I have always been very sexual and My wife is truly a great lover, Somewhere years ago she got frustrated with me as she felt she always had to instigate or start our sexessions. I guess I started doubting my self and questioning whether or not she may be in the mood. Was I going to disrupt her day or inconvenience her by telling her I was horny. We work together 24-7 and thats great but I would be sitting near her and waning to jerk off or cum so I could stay focused on work. But I never told her these thoughts. Now I feel lost and she has to wait for me to get the balls to ask her if we can make love, or if I can offer her my tongue to pleasure her. Thats all I want to do is please her. But I am afraid to ask when and how. Is some of this what your husband had happen? In kind regards
Fit2betied

 

[Stella_Omega]

I applaud you both for keeping it together. Sad that it took an affair to bring out the truth or at least the issue. I write to you in support, as a happily married male, who is frustrated with his sexuality. I have always been very sexual and My wife is truly a great lover, Somewhere years ago she got frustrated with me as she felt she always had to instigate or start our sexessions. I guess I started doubting my self and questioning whether or not she may be in the mood. Was I going to disrupt her day or inconvenience her by telling her I was horny. We work together 24-7 and thats great but I would be sitting near her and waning to jerk off or cum so I could stay focused on work. But I never told her these thoughts. Now I feel lost and she has to wait for me to get the balls to ask her if we can make love, or if I can offer her my tongue to pleasure her. Thats all I want to do is please her. But I am afraid to ask when and how. Is some of this what your husband had happen? In kind regards
Fit2betied

Hopefully, you can tell her these things about the things you never told her...

 

[IrisAlthea]

It's really hard living a normal life with long work hours and melting into the couch watching old History channel crap and periodically getting to the gym together and trying to eat better and all these super mundane boring things that require attention - and we don't even HAVE spawn!

And then trying to get into your hind brain and suddenly flip an ass in the air for sodomizing - it's just unnatural to do out out of nowhere sometimes. You need something, and you need something much sexier than an earnest talking to, you need a wriggle or a hot note on your desk in the morning, or something inspiring.

This!

Sometimes I wonder how many relationship problems could be solved by getting rid of the TV.

 

[BDSMJoe]

It's really hard living a normal life with long work hours and melting into the couch watching old History channel crap and periodically getting to the gym together and trying to eat better and all these super mundane boring things that require attention - and we don't even HAVE spawn!

And then trying to get into your hind brain and suddenly flip an ass in the air for sodomizing - it's just unnatural to do out out of nowhere sometimes. You need something, and you need something much sexier than an earnest talking to, you need a wriggle or a hot note on your desk in the morning, or something inspiring.

This is SO my life now...

 

[box13]

Ya, what others have said. Moving from one mode (responsible, caring, waiting for the right signal that she wants me, being in control of your desires) to the other mode (I want her, I take her, it's that simple) isn't easy. I could venture to guess that he has the feelings (the affair you mentioned) and can act upon them, but with you (sorry) it has to be more controlled, measured.

You might say "no" or "I'm not in the mood" or "it's not the right time" and after a dozen or so years of that you can begin to weigh the risk of either initiating sex (which might be really disappointing...like that one time) or watching TV (which never is because you can change channels). Can't do that when you're 20. Much easier with you are 40 or 50 though.

So you've talked about it, that helps, but it may also be necessary to form some kind of pattern or habit that reinforces the outcome you want. That way he knows he's "safe" to act out his Dom urges and you know it's the right time to find your own expression.

But my contribution here sucks and I admit that. I only know of the guy who has the feeling ("when I get home she's going to...") and then gets home to find that the trash isn't taken out and the fish need to be fed and whatever I was thinking about before is lost.

And days go by because its easier to not think about it with her anymore.

I'm going to go read some of what Stella referenced. Maybe I can learn something.

Good luck.

 

[MakeMePlease]

So much good information here... Lots for me to think about....

 

[SirLeo]

It's really hard living a normal life with long work hours and melting into the couch watching old History channel crap and periodically getting to the gym together and trying to eat better and all these super mundane boring things that require attention - and we don't even HAVE spawn!

And then trying to get into your hind brain and suddenly flip an ass in the air for sodomizing - it's just unnatural to do out out of nowhere sometimes. You need something, and you need something much sexier than an earnest talking to, you need a wriggle or a hot note on your desk in the morning, or something inspiring.

We send each other sexy texts, sometimes bordering on pornographic. Even then, by the tiem dinner, gym, homework and whatever else is done, we just wind up snuggling and sleeping, but its not unusual for either of us to wake up at 2, 3 or 4 am and just start fucking the other!