Anonymous Secrets Thread

[neruda]

Select the open urinal farthest from any other urinal(s) in use. (Already been said, but bears repeating)

Don't masturbate at a urinal. Use the toilet stall.

Both important.

 

[neruda]

Thank God we have stalls With doors in the ladies' room!

No kidding. Lucky!

 

[AbsintheFather]

I went to an overnight camp as a kid and not only were there no separators at the urinal (it was a trough) but there weren't even any walls between the toilets - that was a little intimidating for a 12 year old kid

 

[neruda]

Personal Confession

Okay, so here is my confession of the day.

I am not someone else. Several people have asked me if I am someone else on the boards that you already know, and just pretending to be this Neruda guy. I've also seen it disused on another thread (Dear Litster), but it's probably on more than that.

I am not anyone else you know. The only name I have EVER posted under on the forums is this one. I have posted stories on the main site under 4 different names over the years, two of which are still active. Why? Because as my life has changed some of the stories, and the personality that wrote them have changed as well, and those are no longer stories I want to be part of my life. But this is the only name I have posted to on the forums.

I guess the confession part is that I have been telling people that it doesn't bother me when they ask about it, because I am trying to be genial and polite, but the reality is that it does. If someone wants to think highly of me or lowly, doesn't bother me at all, but for someone to think that I am not who I say I am really bugs the crap out of me.

Anyway, for whatever it's worth, you have my word.

 

[neruda]

-39, Female - I've been married for a long time. I love my husband and he's a good man, but I don't think I've ever been in love with him. I think I just thought he was my only shot. No one wanted me before. Now I just want to not be married, but I don't want to go through the process of ending it. And even if it ended, I'm afraid no one would want me again and I'd be even more alone.

 

[neruda]

-27, Female - This is in response to the member who is speaking with a married man and feeling guilty.

I feel the same way. I actually sent this to the OP under an alt, because I have reason to believe his wife is looking for me.

If she finds out what we talk about or the pictures or any of it, I will know I am partly to blame for the turmoil in their marriage.

We are hoping to meet in person soon and I'm partly excited to finally be with him and partly scared to cross that line.

 

[xBuxombabex]

This makes me so glad us girls get a bit of privacy to pee!

 

[neruda]

This makes me so glad us girls get a bit of privacy to pee!

My boss is the worst at this that I have ever known. If he runs into you at the urinal he takes it as an opportunity for an impromptu performance evaluation or status update.

As if I don't have my hands full already.

 

[neruda]

- Female, No Age - I started sleeping with my best friends dad. They live in the same area as me. After we had been seeing eachother for a while he sent his wife and daughter away on a holiday and booked the time off work for himself so I could go round to his house during the day when my parents where at work and spend all day having sex. His daughter and I are the same size and he loved it when I dressed up in her clothes.

We still get together when we have the chance.

 

[LibraStud]

- 38, Female - Last week I placed an ad on Craigslist's casual encounters. Forty five men responded, and I had sex with three of them (separately), all in a two day time frame. My boyfriend has no idea.

I hope you had a couple of dozen condoms! I would fear catching something. I prefer getting to know someone first, making sure she is clean -- then we can both have a lot of fun together

 

[neruda]

- 33, Female - I was once so drunk after having sex with a guy that when I fell asleep I pissed myself. When I woke up it was all over me, all over him soaked into the mattress and I was laying in a pool of it. The only thing is that he was so drunk too, he didn't know. So I slipped out of bed and left without him knowing. The last thing in the world I wanted was to deal with that in the morning.

Thank God we were at his place.

 

[Lord_Nibiru]

Don’t Make Eye Contact - Nothing is weirder than taking a glance over at your neighbor, let alone making full eye contact. Maintaining it for the duration of your trip, however, makes the act downright disturbing and could potentially qualify as sexual harassment. Instead…

Look straight ahead. No glancing around at anyone else’s business. Stare at the wall in front of you. Mentally write your lab paper. Daydream. Think of the Family Guy episode you just watched. Read the graffiti. Trust me, the sh*t people write is so much funnier than what’s going on next to you.

Speaking of funny, Don’t Make Jokes. Randomly saying “Dropping the kids off at the pool, too, eh?” does not help you bond with your neighbor – it makes you creepy. This goes for random bursts of laughter too. Unless you’re drunk, that definitely does not fly, especially if the jacked guy right next to you thinks that you’re laughing at him.

Whether there are 3 urinals or 30 empty, pick the one furthest away from me. I hate it when there are like 7 empty urinals and I go to the one all the way in the corner and then someone follows me to that corner. . WTF? Go away! Why would you want to plop your penis RIGHTNEXT to mine??

Oh, and don’t be the ass who picks the middle urinal if there are only 3. That leaves the guy after you only two options, neither of which are pleasant. He could hold his pee until you finish OR he could say screw it and decide to relieve himself next to you.

If your only option is to pee between two guys, leave. Stand outside the door if you like and wait for one of them to come out. No point in squeezing your way in and subjecting yourself to twice the awkwardness.

Use the barriers. I hate it when people don’t use the barriers properly. Like when they stand super far back from the urinal and I can see their entire package out of my peripheral. I especially hate this because it almost always leads to drippage- where they MISS and the pee hits the barrier before spraying all over the place. Also high on the list: when they’re standing so far back from the urinal (extra douchebag points if they’re also leaning back) that their golden shower falls short of the urinal and rains down onto the ground…splashing my new Jordans. Accidents only happen if you let them. I once had the unfortunate experience of someone urinating on my leg. Granted, it was a “friend” that did it and it certainly wasn’t an accident.

No noises. Yeah, I’m glad you can finally relieve your bladder but don’t start making any satisfied noises. No sighs. No moans. No “Ahhhhh”s and “Oooohh”s. And definitely no “Oh yeah”s. I don’t ever want to hear another man moan while my pants are down and my penis is exposed. Oh, and for heaven’s sake- no grunting!

Don’t poop in the urinal. I’ve never actually seen this one happen, but my friends swear to me that they have. Gross. Urinals are for number 1, guys, not 2.

Wash your hands. I’ll admit that I’m lazy. Sometimes I wear the same outfit for a week, sometimes I “forget” to shower, and, when the remote is all the way across the room, I call up my roommate and make him get it. As lazy as I am though, I ALWAYS (okay, mostly always) wash my hands. You should too. Sorry, but I don’t want to shake your hand right after you’ve held your penis. Stay out of the bowl of nuts on the bar too, people actually eat those.

Skinny jeans. I don’t know if this counts, but I can’t stand it when other guys wear skinny jeans that are so tight that they have to completely pull down their pants to take a piss. When I walk into the bathroom, I don’t want to be assaulted by the image of your bare ass as you pee. It’s a bathroom, keep it classy (well.. as classy as it can get in the guys bathroom, anyway).

… and that’s all for now folks.

That's a cracking post (and spot on, although have never seen the No.2 in the urinal to date).

Couple of years ago I was in a urinal and I swear the guy who turned up next to me was jerking off. I didn't look down (too scared haha), but if that's how he takes a slash I dread to think what state his trousers were in after

BTW to the 50s lady - an older woman and a virgin? Rollover jackpot I reckon

 

[Lord_Nibiru]

- 33, Female - I was once so drunk after having sex with a guy that when I fell asleep I pissed myself. When I woke up it was all over me, all over him soaked into the mattress and I was laying in a pool of it. The only thing is that he was so drunk too, he didn't know. So I slipped out of bed and left without him knowing. The last thing in the world I wanted was to deal with that in the morning.

Thank God we were at his place.

this thread gets better

 

[neruda]

That's a cracking post (and spot on, although have never seen the No.2 in the urinal to date).

Couple of years ago I was in a urinal and I swear the guy who turned up next to me was jerking off. I didn't look down (too scared haha), but if that's how he takes a slash I dread to think what state his trousers were in after

BTW to the 50s lady - an older woman and a virgin? Rollover jackpot I reckon

Wow, there is a lot of British slang in there for me to translate.

What does 'takes a slash" mean? Also what is a "rollover jackpot"?

 

[Aquagal]

- 33, Female - I was once so drunk after having sex with a guy that when I fell asleep I pissed myself. When I woke up it was all over me, all over him soaked into the mattress and I was laying in a pool of it. The only thing is that he was so drunk too, he didn't know. So I slipped out of bed and left without him knowing. The last thing in the world I wanted was to deal with that in the morning.

Thank God we were at his place.

If he was that drunk, you should have pushed him over to the wet spot. He would have thought he did it!

 

[neruda]

If he was that drunk, you should have pushed him over to the wet spot. He would have thought he did it!

The mystery lady surfaces.

 

[Lord_Nibiru]

Wow, there is a lot of British slang in there for me to translate.

What does 'takes a slash" mean? Also what is a "rollover jackpot"?

Oh yeah, sorry dude - a slash is a pee (not sure if it's official british slang or just a few idiots like me say it ).

Jackpot is obviously winning the big one, rollover is 2 wins in 1 because the previous week's (or day, whatever, a previous competition) wasn't taken and rolls over

 

[Aquagal]

The mystery lady surfaces.

Huh? Who?

I had to already have a nap. I was up super late watching the skies last night.

 

[xBuxombabex]

Brad, this on had me rolling. I actually printed out a copy and will post it in the restroom at work.

I would add this to the list (although it is partially covered by #1) No "Meat Grazing", progress checking, stream comparison or any other forms of casual inspection. This isn't cold war Russia, there is no understanding that we can monitor our neighbor. On a side note, I once heard that those barriers were originally installed by a restaurant in Texas that was frequented by John Wayne. Apparently John never used urinals because he had gotten peed on too many timed by startled guys that recognized him and turned to say hello before pinching off the flow.

I nearly choked laughing at this!

 

[neruda]

Oh yeah, sorry dude - a slash is a pee (not sure if it's official british slang or just a few idiots like me say it ).

Jackpot is obviously winning the big one, rollover is 2 wins in 1 because the previous week's (or day, whatever, a previous competition) wasn't taken and rolls over

Gotcha!

 

[neruda]

Huh? Who?

I had to already have a nap. I was up super late watching the skies last night.

Your secret identity is safe with me

 

[neruda]

I nearly choked laughing at this!

Glad you enjoyed that one.

 

[neruda]

-40s, Male - My wife and I split up after 20 years of marriage. She won't believe me when I tell her that it's not because she got older or that I wasn't attracted to her any more. It's simply not true. I always thought she was pretty. I left her because I got tired of feeling that nothing I ever did would be good enough for her. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I gave, I was never good enough. All i ever wanted was to make her happy. When that was no longer possible, I just had to stop trying.

 

[perkyT]

-40s, Male - My wife and I split up after 20 years of marriage. She won't believe me when I tell her that it's not because she got older or that I wasn't attracted to her any more. It's simply not true. I always thought she was pretty. I left her because I got tired of feeling that nothing I ever did would be good enough for her. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I gave, I was never good enough. All i ever wanted was to make her happy. When that was no longer possible, I just had to stop trying.

Man this one is just sad. If true, have to wonder if he ever told her what he told you/us...

 

[neruda]

Man this one is just sad. If true, have to wonder if he ever told her what he told you/us...

A lot of the people that send things in, I really feel for. My heart goes out to them.