Telling my boyfriend about lifestyle?

[LMC86257]

Im submissive, he is naturally dominant. Also i told him i like when he is dominant in bed, and he is we do a lot of ordering around and he ties me down and such.

I want to verbally tell him i want to be submissive in and out of bed. I understand what i am saying, i know the comitment, i trust him 100%, we are engaged.

How could i say this?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Im submissive, he is naturally dominant. Also i told him i like when he is dominant in bed, and he is we do a lot of ordering around and he ties me down and such.

I want to verbally tell him i want to be submissive in and out of bed. I understand what i am saying, i know the comitment, i trust him 100%, we are engaged.

How could i say this?

Use your words, dear.

If you've spent *any* time wandering through this forum, you've already run into the most common piece of advice given in this forum: Communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, COMMUNI-freakin'-CATE! No relationship can survive without it. Not vanilla, not kink, not Venerian cateagles.

If you've already told him you like it when he's dominant in bed, and you "do a lot of ordering around and he ties [you] down and such," I don't think it will be too difficult for him to wrap his mind around the idea that you want to extend your submission outside the bedroom.

The next step, then, is to decide the mechanics of that submission.

• Do you address him as "Sir," "Master," "O Great Bloviator," what-the-fuck-ever?
• Do you bring him a cold beer almost before he even realizes his throat is a wee bit dry?
• Do you rub his feet and wash his balls?
• What happens when you have company?
• What if that company is *also* a bit on the kinky side?
• What if it's his parents, or yours?
• What if it's your third cousin from Peoria, who just happens to be a gay Episcopalian minister?

These are all things you need to discuss and decide... once you put your big girl panties on and start the discussion by telling him you want to extend what you have in the bedroom further into your lives.

Do I seem a bit harsh here? I don't intend to be. Perhaps I get just a wee bit tired of seeing the same question over and over and over and over and OVER AGAIN from new posters who don't seem to realize that if they have a basic question like this one that it's probably been posed - and answered - a few hundred times, and look at the pages and pages of threads available to see if maybe they can find a thread title that looks like their question.

That bitching out of the way... welcome to the Lit BDSM Talk forum. Seriously. I'm actually happy to see new folks come in here and try to learn how to live in the BDSM culture from people who do it, and have done it for years.

As a beginning, at the top of the first page of topics is something called the BDSM Library. It has just tons of threads that have been indexed over the years by a succession of hard-working, unpaid Librarians who have sweated and cursed over trying to organize such an eclectic bunch of DISorganized people as we here are.

Good luck to you and your man. Please don't take my minor bitching too hard and run away. I'm a grumpy old man, but I've been doing this (BDSM) for over 40 years, and I just might be able to offer you some good advice once in a while. Oh, yeah... I *know* some of the other (nicer) folks here can give you some good advice, too. (Stella, CutieMouse, graceanne, desertslave... oh, hell, too many to name. And I'll pretty much guarantee you they're not meanies like I am. But then I'm old, and a sadist {not a dominant}, and that's just the way I am. )

 

[desertslave]

Good luck to you and your man. Please don't take my minor bitching too hard and run away. I'm a grumpy old man, but I've been doing this (BDSM) for over 40 years, and I just might be able to offer you some good advice once in a while. Oh, yeah... I *know* some of the other (nicer) folks here can give you some good advice, too. (Stella, CutieMouse, graceanne, desertslave... oh, hell, too many to name. And I'll pretty much guarantee you they're not meanies like I am. But then I'm old, and a sadist {not a dominant}, and that's just the way I am. )

Well smack my ass and color me pink! That's some highly esteemed company you put me with, Sir Winston!

I completely agree with you. Clear communication will work best.

I'll add one thing that might be of use, since we are where we are, here on Lit. Find a few stories that resonate with you, with you you might like to be, with him, some day, and share them. Since guys are so very visual (in general) take a look at the "Control" thread down in the Playground (a child forum under personals) and find a few choice pix that speak to you, too. Visual aids never hurt, yanno.

You know him best, of course, so pacing is totally your call. Some folks do best with being fed these things in small bites, others can handle a full meal all at once.

You've observed his natural dominance. Give him opportunities to exercise this talent and respond accordingly, and remark on it in complimentary ways (ooh, baby, I love when you take over like that!). Positive feedback is something we all thrive on.

Good luck!

 

[Netzach]

Rather than tell, I might ask if he's ever thought about extending the dynamic of the fun stuff you do in bed into other circumstances, but that's just me.

 

[geekmaster24]

Use your words, dear.

^^^ This.

Rather than tell, I might ask if he's ever thought about extending the dynamic of the fun stuff you do in bed into other circumstances, but that's just me.

^^^ or This.

But in all seriousness Sir_Winston is right. Communicate your want to your fiance. Let me know what you want. Define it in a clear way. If you or he has any questions, direct him to this forum and like Sir_Winson said there are plenty of us willing to put our foot forward and answer any questions you have.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Im submissive, he is naturally dominant. Also i told him i like when he is dominant in bed, and he is we do a lot of ordering around and he ties me down and such.

I want to verbally tell him i want to be submissive in and out of bed. I understand what i am saying, i know the comitment, i trust him 100%, we are engaged.

How could i say this?

Communication is always the key. Talk with him about how you have felt so far about what you have been doing, perhaps ask him how it feels for him. Given you are wanting to extend your submission, instead of telling him what you wish, where you want things to go, maybe ask what he would like in terms of the direction of the relationship, and extent to which he would like the D/s element to go. You may be surprised and find he also wishes to go further. Leaving it open to him to suggest, elaborate on, discuss might be preferrable to seeming to be the one leading by telling him that is where you want it to go. Good luck, and for your sake, I hope you find you share the same vision and desires.

Catalina

 

[Wileycharacter]

No real advice to offer just some understanding. It can be a hard conversation to start and the words might not come easily to you, especially when your not sure of the reaction your fiancé might have. I too had to have that conversation and I remember very vividly my heart beating out of my chest thinking he might not take my words the right way or that his reaction might not be what I expected. But if it's something you feel strongly about it's going to be worth a few hours of awkward conversation to get it started.

My SO wasn't real sure in the beginning as we had always kept it behind closed doors but we gradually moved up in levels to one we were comfortable with. I actually agree with desert slave in that some people are small bites at a time people and others are feed it all at once people. I always found it was best to discuss these things after a session of play while we were still in the right mind frame. I think I opened with something along the lines of: "wouldn't it be great if it could be like this all the time?" which spawned my next line of "would you want to?". I'm new to the forum, do I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, all I know is when your heart truely desires something, it's worth the hard conversations to achieve them. I hope you find the right words.