techniques with newbies ?

[Stella_Omega]

As someone pointed out in another thread, it can be a bit difficult to get a newcomer to communicate what they want.

We started hijacking the thread a bit, so I thought maybe it would be a good topic of its own.

On account of finding myself coleader of a women-only play party, I have been introducing a lot of women to the things they've never tried before. I'm betting it's easier for me to get women to communicate, there is less cultural baggage. But even so, I find some of the same problems livin1971 was talking about-- "I like it rough" isn't really much information!

livin1971 was talking about spankings. A lady will say "Ouch! That's too much!" when he's pretty sure he slapped her very lightly.

Thing is many of us never get touched on our butts at all. Even though we fantasize about it. My suggestion-- and maybe you do this already? Is to warm her up. Foreplay before painplay.

Tell her how gorgeous her butt is, because many women believe they are fatally flawed somehow.
Run your fingertips over the skin, ticklingly, to get her used to being touched on her butt in the first place. Rub briskly, to get the blood moving in there, wiggle all that yummy flesh around so the strangeness of butt handling can go away a little bit. Then, maybe-- the slap won't be so much of a too much. And you and she can start working up.

I don't know if this makes a difference or not, because I do it this way every time.

What else? Anyone have a story about their firsts?

 

[livin1971]

Thank you for starting the thread I will watch and listen. I can always learn more.

 

[desertslave]

I'd add some scratching/scraping with nails into your mix, Stella....touching that edge where pain and pleasure start to get blurry.

In that same vein, for other body parts, touch that's stronger and promotes more blood flow can help almost anywhere.

Another consideration, depending on the pace and intentions of play, is to ratchet up arousal or even allow an orgasm before proceeding. Get the pleasure center all warm & happy and pain that comes afterwards can be much more easily reinterpreted as pleasure. (No matter how much I try, I'm a total ninny with anal unless I'm allowed an orgasm or so first. I just can't seem to relax enough.)

OR, add a different distraction like cold or warm...peppermint lotion or Tiger Balm, for instance. The nerve endings get busy with one signal and the next one just adds to the flow.

If doing restrictive bondage with someone starting out, some warmup stretches can help in maintaining positions longer.

 

[missgiter]

Hope to see lots of posts here, I'm interested to read them. -watches thread intently-

 

[KoPilot]

Last time I saw him, he started hitting me harder than he'd ever done before... I think he's really starting to get into the groove now.

But this has got me thinking about warming up-- his spanking didn't make me ever see stars before, and now that it's getting to that point, I wanna maybe talk to him about thinking in terms of "sessions" (assuming he's into that), and warm up swats. But I've got the feeling that he likes keeping me on edge with his spontaneity.

Good advice, Stella! I'll be treading well-worn ground here with this, but I'll be keeping an eye on the thread for sure in case there's anything else I might be missing. :>

 

[HottieMama]

For me the biggest thing a Top can do is try to maintain eye contact in the beginning on the scene and occasionally throughout. Eyes and facial expressions can go a long way to reassure me that everything is going well, and that the Top is pleased no matter how insecure I may be in the moment. I am highly self-conscious about any play that exposes the front of my body, especially in public. I actually managed to do a frontal knife play scene Saturday night with an audience. I give all the credit for that to my Top who was able to "tell" me...just by looking into my eyes and letting me see her facial expression...that I was doing well, that I was beautiful, and that she is proud of me...

 

[Stella_Omega]

For me the biggest thing a Top can do is try to maintain eye contact in the beginning on the scene and occasionally throughout. Eyes and facial expressions can go a long way to reassure me that everything is going well, and that the Top is pleased no matter how insecure I may be in the moment. I am highly self-conscious about any play that exposes the front of my body, especially in public. I actually managed to do a frontal knife play scene Saturday night with an audience. I give all the credit for that to my Top who was able to "tell" me...just by looking into my eyes and letting me see her facial expression...that I was doing well, that I was beautiful, and that she is proud of me...

Well, duh! You are!


But yeah, look her (or him, for that matter) in the eyes. if I can't look her in the eyes, I talk like a crazy talker. I ask stupid questions, make dirty innuendo, say stuff like "poor baby, good girl, want more?" -- anything.

 

[ultramarineblue]

But yeah, look her (or him, for that matter) in the eyes. if I can't look her in the eyes, I talk like a crazy talker. I ask stupid questions, make dirty innuendo, say stuff like "poor baby, good girl, want more?" -- anything.

Talk is very good to know where a person is.

 

[NaughtyGingerBoy]

I'd add some scratching/scraping with nails into your mix, Stella....touching that edge where pain and pleasure start to get blurry.

In that same vein, for other body parts, touch that's stronger and promotes more blood flow can help almost anywhere.

Another consideration, depending on the pace and intentions of play, is to ratchet up arousal or even allow an orgasm before proceeding. Get the pleasure center all warm & happy and pain that comes afterwards can be much more easily reinterpreted as pleasure. (No matter how much I try, I'm a total ninny with anal unless I'm allowed an orgasm or so first. I just can't seem to relax enough.)

OR, add a different distraction like cold or warm...peppermint lotion or Tiger Balm, for instance. The nerve endings get busy with one signal and the next one just adds to the flow.

If doing restrictive bondage with someone starting out, some warmup stretches can help in maintaining positions longer.

I have been scratched hard during foreplay and sex...on my arse, chest and back. I ask for it harder and it hurts but feels so good too. I did get 4 large red lines down my back last time, took about a week to fully disappear.

Being new on this side of things being able to ask advice is very cool.

 

[Keepongoing01]

Keep talking

I think it is so important to keep talking, even if it sounds rubbish at the time. An easy way to test the water is to threaten 'you need a spanking after a comment/action like that' You need to read body language.

I was with a couple where the wife hadn't experienced spanking before. The three of us were naked and I got her to kneel on the floor with her arms on the sofa. I rubbed her arse, opened her cheeks and rubbed them gently at first and then a little harder - but all the time telling her what a lovely arse she had. Her husband just sat there playing with himself. I increased the pressure and went to gentle spanking. When she opened her legs a bit I knew she was liking it but we were checking it out all the time.

Now she likes a rough spanking and her hubby gets equally turned on seeing her arse turn red! Try it but KEEP TALKING

 

[graceanne]

Warm up is really important to me. I do not like it when K just smacks me without any warm up, it's not fun, it doesn't feel good, and it totally puts me in the wrong head space. It's like when he just grabs a tit when I'm walking by - not a turn on and rather annoying.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Talk is very good to know where a person is.

In so many ways! On is actually physically, so that the bottom knows where the top is behind them. Another is so that the bottom can know that the top is enjoying what they are doing. As a bottom, I sometimes feel like I'm asking a hell of a lot of work from someone who might resent it-- kinda dumb thing to worry about, but you know how that goes...

It's good to know that you're giving pleasure to your top.

And also, by babbling, I encourage the bottom to do some babbling of her own.

(ETA) I'm soundling like a know-it-all here... really, I'm just now figuring some of this stuff out as I write it!

 

[ultramarineblue]

In so many ways! On is actually physically, so that the bottom knows where the top is behind them. Another is so that the bottom can know that the top is enjoying what they are doing. As a bottom, I sometimes feel like I'm asking a hell of a lot of work from someone who might resent it-- kinda dumb thing to worry about, but you know how that goes...

It's good to know that you're giving pleasure to your top.

And also, by babbling, I encourage the bottom to do some babbling of her own.

(ETA) I'm soundling like a know-it-all here... really, I'm just now figuring some of this stuff out as I write it!

Seriously though, this is really good stuff. I hadn't really thought of all the implications like location but that's very true. Even without blindfolds, you aren't always able to see very well.

The first few scenes I did with any top were good because I was constantly asked if things were ok. I didn't know what I wanted at first. I just wanted to try stuff. I'm quick to say when things get beyond me but they didn't know that about me just like I didn't know how they worked either.

To be honest, negotiating a scene is still pretty much beyond me because I didn't really play with many other people before a relationship happened. (He and I were already friends a while before I met many in the groups around me.) Ok. I'm starting to just babble on. After all this talk I'm wanting some serious play!!!

 

[livin1971]

Seriously though, this is really good stuff. I hadn't really thought of all the implications like location but that's very true. Even without blindfolds, you aren't always able to see very well.

The first few scenes I did with any top were good because I was constantly asked if things were ok. I didn't know what I wanted at first. I just wanted to try stuff. I'm quick to say when things get beyond me but they didn't know that about me just like I didn't know how they worked either.

To be honest, negotiating a scene is still pretty much beyond me because I didn't really play with many other people before a relationship happened. (He and I were already friends a while before I met many in the groups around me.) Ok. I'm starting to just babble on. After all this talk I'm wanting some serious play!!!

I get eye contact at first being highly important. That and a true honest concern that the bottom is enjoying it. You use talking (babbling). What do you do when you introduce blindfolds?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I get eye contact at first being highly important. That and a true honest concern that the bottom is enjoying it. You use talking (babbling). What do you do when you introduce blindfolds?

Hmm. I never have! I'll have to try it next play party

But when I have used blindfolds, I pretty much never take a hand off the bottom. I want something to be touching her, always. Now I'm thinking that might just be me, because I "do" touch. Someone else might want to be left floating. She would have to tell me that. I'll try to remember to ask.

And again, although a woman might say she wants to be spanked, she might not ever have been spanked before and it will feel weird to her at first. Some verbal foreplay can help. "Are you ready for this?" (tap, slap) "Are you? You want me to heat up your pretty ass?" (tap, slap, slap) "Your wish is my command baby" (WHACK slap rub)

I like to make the bottom own her desire to be spanked. I don't do "punishment."

 

[livin1971]

Hmm. I never have! I'll have to try it next play party

But when I have used blindfolds, I pretty much never take a hand off the bottom. I want something to be touching her, always. Now I'm thinking that might just be me, because I "do" touch. Someone else might want to be left floating. She would have to tell me that. I'll try to remember to ask.

And again, although a woman might say she wants to be spanked, she might not ever have been spanked before and it will feel weird to her at first. Some verbal foreplay can help. "Are you ready for this?" (tap, slap) "Are you? You want me to heat up your pretty ass?" (tap, slap, slap) "Your wish is my command baby" (WHACK slap rub)

I like to make the bottom own her desire to be spanked. I don't do "punishment."

Thank you for that information

 

[ultramarineblue]

I get eye contact at first being highly important. That and a true honest concern that the bottom is enjoying it. You use talking (babbling). What do you do when you introduce blindfolds?

We haven't done much with blindfolds but he doesn't keep something touching me the entire time, like with Stella. I think both can be interesting. Hearing him go through toys can be interesting. One thing to add is that with blindfolds you can play at being left alone. He's not done that with me.

However, one thing to remember if you do play at being left alone is to be safe about it - not bound with ropes or with gags where something could inadvertently go wrong. Also, most of the tops I know may play at that but they don't go for but about 30 seconds. Just long enough to say something from a distance to let you think he/she isn't there. There are any number of solutions to this but you should not truly be left alone.

 

[livin1971]

We haven't done much with blindfolds but he doesn't keep something touching me the entire time, like with Stella. I think both can be interesting. Hearing him go through toys can be interesting. One thing to add is that with blindfolds you can play at being left alone. He's not done that with me.

However, one thing to remember if you do play at being left alone is to be safe about it - not bound with ropes or with gags where something could inadvertently go wrong. Also, most of the tops I know may play at that but they don't go for but about 30 seconds. Just long enough to say something from a distance to let you think he/she isn't there. There are any number of solutions to this but you should not truly be left alone.

Thank you for that. Safety of a sub is a number one priority as they have put so much trust into you. So go slow and build trust with the sub as you go.

 

[kimuk]

Hmm. I never have! I'll have to try it next play party

But when I have used blindfolds, I pretty much never take a hand off the bottom. I want something to be touching her, always. Now I'm thinking that might just be me, because I "do" touch. Someone else might want to be left floating. She would have to tell me that. I'll try to remember to ask.

And again, although a woman might say she wants to be spanked, she might not ever have been spanked before and it will feel weird to her at first. Some verbal foreplay can help. "Are you ready for this?" (tap, slap) "Are you? You want me to heat up your pretty ass?" (tap, slap, slap) "Your wish is my command baby" (WHACK slap rub)

I like to make the bottom own her desire to be spanked. I don't do "punishment."

Thats it ! Thats it! Thats it!

Thats what I need. A lot of our play is silent! thats what I need - verbal feed back.

Sir we need to talk! lol

( bet the thinks I wish she would stay away form here and stop finding something sles she wants!!!!!!!)

 

[ultramarineblue]

Thank you for that. Safety of a sub is a number one priority as they have put so much trust into you. So go slow and build trust with the sub as you go.

You're welcome. Safety and communication are most important.

 

[BiBunny]

Don't take yourself too seriously! Don't be afraid to laugh, giggle, and even poke fun at yourself sometimes. It may not be true for everyone, of course, but nothing puts me off faster than someone who's too up their own ass to have fun. Plus, a few giggles take the edge off nerves.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Don't take yourself too seriously! Don't be afraid to laugh, giggle, and even poke fun at yourself sometimes. It may not be true for everyone, of course, but nothing puts me off faster than someone who's too up their own ass to have fun. Plus, a few giggles take the edge off nerves.

This is so true because at some point something is going to go hilariously wrong.

 

[HottieMama]

This is so true because at some point something is going to go hilariously wrong.

The first time I ever played with the top I mentioned above, I was laying down on my stomach with my clothes piled neatly about 2 feet from my head. Somehow...someway...about halfway through the scene, my bra attacked my head...like all of a sudden it was right there in my face, attempting to smother me. Both of us were giggling so hard we had tears in our eyes and it remains a fond memory and a great inside joke.

 

[ultramarineblue]

The first time I ever played with the top I mentioned above, I was laying down on my stomach with my clothes piled neatly about 2 feet from my head. Somehow...someway...about halfway through the scene, my bra attacked my head...like all of a sudden it was right there in my face, attempting to smother me. Both of us were giggling so hard we had tears in our eyes and it remains a fond memory and a great inside joke.

I couldn't top that one! I've had hiccups while playing before. He was greatly amused by that one. I think the smothering bra certainly wins.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Nothing like that for me-- yet.

Not yet.