Getting Over Past Relationship

[submissive_fire]

About two years ago, my Dom abruptly ended our relationship after four years. This was due to some very unfortunate circumstances and he was too proud and stupid to ask for help. In retrospect, I can see the writing on the wall and feel horrible for not doing something to help ... not that what I could have done would have been much help.

This man was my world ... my best friend, my protector, my everything. When our relationship ended, I could not bring myself to even think about anything remotely D/s. Our last conversation was not a pleasant one and I knew that we wouldn't ever speak again.

Fast forward two years and here I am ... I have met a couple of Doms that I really liked, had a lot in common with, but I end up comparing them to him. I feel horrible that I wasn't able to help him and it haunts me to this day.

I really don't know what I'm asking here ... I want to be able to get on with my life, but I feel like I'm stuck.

I feel like I sound pathetic... (thanks for listening and partaking in my pity party)

Edited to add: before anyone asks, this was a real life, not an online, relationship

 

[missgiter]

Perhaps....

What do you WANT to do? Seems that you've had a great deal of time to reflect. Each past moment helps us grow to who we are today. Maybe you made your decision to leave the lifestyle to quickly, or in a moment of extreme emotion?

Take your own time and follow what feels right to you. I'm sure you'll end up in the right place.


-a

 

[box13]

4 years is a long time to have some great intense sex and the feelings that go with it. I can't claim anything better because it's been like 26 years for me, and it was only about 2 years or less in the relationship, so those things are important and we lost something that meant a great deal and they can't be replaced.

Wasn't a lesson in life we wanted to learn but we did.

You won't "get over it" I suppose, and maybe it was important enough that you aren't supposed to and never will. You'll have different experiences that might be better or almost as good. But you can't erase what happened or how strongly you feel or how many questions you might have about the "road not taken" and all that.

If you could just "get over it" then the relationship would not have meant as much, and would not be the vivid memory that it is. I guess it becomes part of you, and you find a place for it, and when it comes up again "...this isn't like that..." then you have to sort of experience it and let it pass on its own.

I hope you can find someone who understands where you've come from and how important the memories are and doesn't try to compete with it or have their feelings hurt when things don't turn out as good. The other will fade over time if you let it. But only fade.

Take care.

 

[subwannabe]

Obviously I don't know the whole situation but you're feelings of guilt could be totally misguided. When so much emotion is involved it's hard to realize what is in the real world and what is not. Maybe you helping him was actually the wrong thing to do and you needed to be detached from the situation and things actually worked out for the best (for you). Helping people is sometimes necessary and a good thing but it can also be a bad thing and sometimes the best thing to do is realize what is best FOR YOU. Try your best to move on and leave the past in the past.

 

[submissive_fire]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Just putting my feelings into words has helped tremendously.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

You won't "get over it" I suppose, and maybe it was important enough that you aren't supposed to and never will. You'll have different experiences that might be better or almost as good. But you can't erase what happened or how strongly you feel or how many questions you might have about the "road not taken" and all that.

If you could just "get over it" then the relationship would not have meant as much, and would not be the vivid memory that it is. I guess it becomes part of you, and you find a place for it, and when it comes up again "...this isn't like that..." then you have to sort of experience it and let it pass on its own.

I hope you can find someone who understands where you've come from and how important the memories are and doesn't try to compete with it or have their feelings hurt when things don't turn out as good. The other will fade over time if you let it. But only fade.

Take care.

Your comments are all wise stuff. In fact, chewy truths in every delicious bite! But I would add that there is another alternative to the bolded parts above: that the subsequent relationships may neither be better or worse: just different.

If you're looking for a clone of your D, s_f, you won't find him. What you probably will find (eventually) is someone with different strengths (and weaknesses) that you can come to know in an entirely different way, and with whom you will learn entirely new lessons.

Certainly don't take on the responsibility for "saving" him, especially in retrospect. That way leads nowhere, and is a misty labyrinth with no exit.

But take heart, s_f, and don't look to replace him. You can't. Keep walking the beach and see what other things wash up, that are fascinating and smile-producing in their own way.

 

[Cattypuss]

But I would add that there is another alternative to the bolded parts above: that the subsequent relationships may neither be better or worse: just different.

This.

My soul-mate left me after 11 years together. I thought I wouldn't survive. Year or two later I had a relationship that lasted 3 years. I was always (in my head) measuring him up against the first guy, and he always fell short.

Now? Now I'm getting on for four years into a relationship and I don't measure him against anyone. He is him. I adore him and he adores me and we're very happy. And comparing him with the first guy would be ridiculous. I am now, by the way, very close (totally platonic) friends with the first guy too.

When I'm with the first guy I revel in our rapport and the fact that we know each other inside out (we got together when we were 21 - we're 44 now). I also recall with enormous fondness our 11 extremely happy years together. And I never, ever wish we were back together. Now there's someone else in my life who fills that role ("significant other") and makes me very happy. The two men are like chalk and cheese - so what?

They key for me was that I stopped looking for a replacement for the first guy. I looked for someone who would be himself and would gel with me.