Passion vs. Love

[yitry]

Passion rests with an unstill calm ~ Anxiously awaiting rhythmic tantrums carved on the bosom of the finest cedar ~ A chant known only by the purest most eligible of leaders ~ Love lays another tweeter High in pitch and deeply enriched ~ Steady as the beat of an internal clock ~ Passion rises full of intent as the hover is driven to counter the lock ~ With each knock placed by Love .. Passion is displaced with bliss ~ Frivolously aiming with limbs and lips ~ Enticing Love's bliss Eager for a kiss ~ A miss as Love's grin hints to emotional foreplay ~ A time released array of journeys thru two plays ~ Set on a stage of fabrics and flesh, emotions and breasts ~ Love says "get to know my specs before we delve into eternities of regret" ~ Passion shifts it's set and steps to the left ~ Inviting Love in as a mist fills the abode with aroma of stability and understanding ~ Passion is set off stride with inhalants of a ritual new and enchanting ~ Passion resists with sexual panting digressed on natural antics ~ Feeling slightly rantic Passion grows in a stimulant fashion ~ Jittery in manners as tendencies are truly full of passion ~ Merely a minor infraction as Love's actions are sympathetic and tame ~ Soothing as a moon's howl and intense as the stakes on a game ~ Love shows no shame petting Passion's insecure fame and frame ~ Too rugged to weep yet fragile as the heels of a dame ~ Passion's reign contours to Love's mode ~ Nothing verbal tho exposing all Passion showed ~ A gentle wince of the toes drove Passion's teasing extremities cold ~ A bold stroke Passion broke down and invoked a massaging stride ~ From Love's ankles angled high with Passion's patented valor and pride ~ Love obliged tho only half way high ~ As Passion's half way dry Moisture surfaced thru the ducts of Passion's right eye ~ Love liquified to Passion's new design ~ Weak and benign Love submitted to Passion's hypnotic wine ~ What was once either Passion or Love is now a relationship refined

 

[nitenovanavium]

Very nice vivd write. I loves the loose rhyming scheeme you used with the free flowing nature of the piece. The imagery is immaculate and the use/ mastery of the english language shown here is astute and professional.

All and all an amazing piece of art you have written here.

You are increadibly talented. <3

 

[yitry]

Thanks ... I appreciate it!!

 

[jushorny]

Very nice vivd write. I loves the loose rhyming scheeme you used with the free flowing nature of the piece. The imagery is immaculate and the use/ mastery of the english language shown here is astute and professional.

All and all an amazing piece of art you have written here.

You are increadibly talented. <3

I would have to agree. You're writing is extraordinary. While I will admit it took some time to read, finding myself thinking about each thought. This is not a quick read, but that makes it all the better. I have my thoughts or opinions on each of yours, but what I find most interesting is that I know I'll be back to re-read and contemplate what your words mean to me. It's your writing but it certainly will have different meaning to everyone who takes the time to enjoy your work. Thanks for sharing.

 

[champagne1982]

Hey there yitry and welcome to the PF&D forum. Thanks for sharing your poem. I found my impression one of not so much passion and love but that of confusion and exhaustion as the poem seems to move toward and settle into something more long term. If that was your intent, then super! If I've got it wrong don't let it detract from what you feel about the piece.

I'm not sure if I enjoyed the formatting, the one long line and conscious or unconscious jumble of images lessened the impact of the vision you've created here. Perhaps instead of using a spontaneous rap style of verse, you could take a bit of time and turn it into a concise and less repetitious write.

None-the-less, thanks again for posting. Please don't imagine that what I've said about your poem is anything more than a personal opinion. Once I re-read it a couple of times and squashed my initial dislike of the format, I found a couple of lines and images pretty darned good. Conversely, don't let the positive reviews here lull you into thinking that you shouldn't attempt to improve either your poem or your skills. It's great that you've shared, what would be better is if you honed your talents and shared again.

So, I appreciate the chance to check out your piece and hope you keep on doing the poetry thing, because as you so metaphorically express at the end of your poem... it's nice to morph into a "relationship refined".

Take care.

 

[Tzara]

Passion rests with an unstill calm ~

Hi, yitry. Welcome to the poetry forum.

You simply posted your poem, without any indication of what you are looking for in response. Are you looking for feedback or criticism or just people's comments on your poem?

If you want feedback/criticism, how honest or severe do you want that criticism to be?

If you don't want criticism, what are you looking for? (You've already received some pretty gushy comments, like "an amazing piece of art you have written here" and "You're [sic] writing is extraordinary".)

Help us out here. It is unclear (well, at least to me) how to respond to your post.

 

[yitry]

Thanks for the comments and criticisms from everybody who posted .... all are well received from the accolades to the suggestions for improvement. I guess to start chronologically:

Champagne: thank you for that, I don't have a particular style to write in, I've never been conformed to that of a Haiku or something along those lines and I do realize some of my work can be difficult to read or follow being the consistency of rhythm is choppy but when I write i just do so from whatever I'm feeling at that moment, i'm sure it would flow a little smoother should you hear it rather than attempt to decipher. Truth is I have a number of pieces that both compliment this piece (in style as long and short lines / rap style verses, etc..) and some that are more easy to read. Also I did intend for the relationship of Passion and Love to end up as it did but I've always understood that each reader's depiction of a piece will differ and I commend that, I love that there will be different takes on any work ever written, I feel it shows depth. All in all I'm sorry it was a little rough to follow and that you didn't appreciate it as much as I hoped one would but thank you for all your thoughts and suggestions ... I would never feel I'm one who can't grow and improve!!!

Tzara: I guess I simply just wanted to post some of my work and be inspired to create new pieces just to share. I'm not necessarily looking for any comments or criticisms but all are truely welcome and to any degree. I like what I create so feel free to be as honest as you like, anything derogatory will be taken in as a way to improve and anything uplifiting will just inspire me that much more .... I'm not gonna take offense or get an ego based on what's posted. So please respond however you like, I appreciate you reading my work and that was the main goal ... to just post and be read.

Thanks all, again the kind words and suggestions are all appreciated!!

 

[Neonurotic]

Hello yitry. Welcome to the Poetry side of Literotica. Seeing people and activity in here is awesome! And you're welcome to participate posting entire threads or joining some of the poetry action threads.

As for your poem, sorry to be frank, but your poem was rather difficult to read due to the lack of line breaks so I didn't progress very far. However, I can tell the line breaks are intended with all the tildes. I'm not sure why you'd use mathematical symbols in poetry. With the tildes as line breaks, it appears to be a device to draw attention to your poem when in fact it distracts, making it unreadable to some. Such devices are unnecessary; let the actual text and flow of your poem speak for itself. The idea posting a poem here is for others to enjoy, right?