Tell a Joke

:) ZZZ



A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”



“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
 
:) ZZZ



An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

“I’ve got an eighteen-year old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”



The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

“That’s impossible!”, says the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”

The Doctor says, “My point exactly.”
 
9 Months later


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm
afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow
he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski
holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

------------------------------------------------------------

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You
know you smiled.
 
Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
 
:)
Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

I just sent this one to some Friends.
 
How a marriage works




A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies . So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India,etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long,I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks , because you are Married now,and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?' .........and, they lived happily ever after. Now, isn't that a sweet story?
 
chatman2

Love these jokes keep em going:

An Army Officer's wife was always bragging to her friends about how her hubby had his cock well trained. Everytime a new friend came over she would tell her hubby to show how he could tell his cock to come to attention and it would stand tall. He would tell it to be at ease and it would and always obey each command over and over.
One day her new young extremely hot and sexy friend was over wearing a mini skirt, bra less and showing most of her breast and no panties and sitting across from him. Well he gave the order and it snapped to attention and she was so impressed she licked her lips in excitement and opened her legs so it exposed her wet pussy. Well after the second command of going at ease it stayed at attention. Repeated commands and it stayed at attention. He finally got up and went to the bathroom and she asked his wife, "What happened? Where is he going?" Wife replied, "to give it a dishonorable discharge!"
 
I was going through a few magazines
the other day down at the local Mosque.
I was really enjoying myself.
Then the rifle jammed.
 



Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.
 
Advice for an old guy...



I was working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing...

I asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said try the ATM in the lobby.
 
(1) I'm living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment. They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.


(2) Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its fucking hilarious.

(3) I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It's not yours is it?

(4) I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

(5) Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?


(7) There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.


(8) I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.
 
Why does the...

Q: Why does the Easter bunny hide the Easter eggs?


A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's been fucking a chicken.

Happy Easter!
 
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
 
President Obama walks into the Wells Fargo Bank and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States.

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government Regulations, monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are Government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the Bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.

"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check.

"So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
 
Sex After Surgery?

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal
sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked
me that after having their tonsils out."
 
A young man moved out from home and into his first apartment. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?! Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
 
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub..

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
 
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95
year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her
grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
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