Tell a Joke

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”



The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

 

[BusyAfternoon]

If this looks like anything other than a sleeping dog, you're spending too much time on the Internet.


http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/...s-like-a-giant-furry-penis/?xrs=synd_facebook

 

[osprey44]

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say FUCK! Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

[texasace]

Oldie but goodie

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group -Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, “If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”



The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, “If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, “What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”

The kid smiles and says, “I would be a bus driver!”

 

[BusyAfternoon]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......
Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & me went for more ammo and beer. Be back in a
hour or so. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this
mornin and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it’s
hard to tell from all the blood. Anyhow, I locked all four of 'em
in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter

 

[shamelessZZZ]

This is Rich! ^^^

 

[jet_nebula]

"I have to come clean," a guy said to his girlfriend. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist."
"No worries," she said. "I've been secretly seeing a lawyer, a car salesman, and two airline pilots."

 

[Rolando2]

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
>
>
> The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
> The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
>
> The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
> The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
>
>
> So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
>
> The moral of this story:
> Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female​

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Kick boxer meets Soldier....Less then 60 seconds


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCARR5rQoGE&feature=player_embedded

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ ^^^ This is good .

 

[jet_nebula]

This is bad.

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's license.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her license.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

 

[osprey44]

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks as it and says, "I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in
my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any
hazardous materials?

The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day.

The man responds, "Nothing."

The doctor is really puzzled now and says, "You can't not do anything. What do
you do at home all day?

The man replies, "Honestly doc, I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno
flicks and eat Cheetos."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ


After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.



Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ



John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.



After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Clever, but a long way to go for a few laughs


This is what he was paid to say: Chevy Volt Testimonial
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=V4a7GG8_2V0


This is what he meant: Chevy Volt Reality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=689efjn6POM&feature=player_embedded

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

I like this one.

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."


Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:


"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."


Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father
O'Malley?'

'It is!' 'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help
us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ



An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.



A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”

 

[Rolando2]

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband
and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on
his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.​

 

[BusyAfternoon]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Il bikers were riding west on I-74
when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.



The leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through
the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn’t want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a
be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump,
why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did
just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed immediately
by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper. Then he says, "Wow! That
was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you
are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with
me. Why are you committing suicide?"

She replied, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

 

[shamelessZZZ]

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Il bikers were riding west on I-74
when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.



The leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through
the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn’t want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a
be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump,
why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did
just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed immediately
by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper. Then he says, "Wow! That
was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you
are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with
me. Why are you committing suicide?"

She replied, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

ZZZ This one got My Lady Friend laughing. ,, Thank You.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

ROMANTIC DINNER


A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.


Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.


The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.


Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.


The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."


The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

^^^ This is Rich... ZZZ ........