Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him...

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?" "Well, here it comes."

 

[SailorJerry]

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose ?

A: Full.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

BRITISH HUMOUR IS HILARIOUS!!!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Kid's Still Say The Darnest Things
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' (Love this one! bbb)

________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off!

 

[shamelessZZZ]

Kid's Still Say The Darnest Things
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' (Love this one! bbb)

________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off!

Keep them coming ! ,, busyafternoon. ,, You can make Me grin.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

WINTER BLONDE oldie but a goodie



As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,

and knocks on the door.



The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.


All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Wisconsin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, so she told me,

"Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her

the diet pills!....

 

[shamelessZZZ]

The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, so she told me,

"Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her

the diet pills!....

I love it !

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?” “Oh, sorry…” says the old man, “How much do I owe you?”

 

[BusyAfternoon]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ


Some times We Men just don't know when to stop talking.

 

[Freija]

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Politically Incorrect
-------------------------

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole the thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
==============
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
==============
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class fondle him . I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether.
==============
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It
provides me with everything I need--KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot...
==============
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
==============
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator
says, "How do you know?" He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
==============
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
==============

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.
==============
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a
good product name.
==============
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center,
but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the
bomber jackets.
==============
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden
hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
==============================================

 

[BusyAfternoon]

and one more...

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:



"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."



"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place !," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:



"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"



They continue walking when they see a sign:



"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"



Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.



"Who the heck is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

Politically Incorrect
-------------------------

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole the thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
==============
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
==============
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class fondle him . I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether.
==============
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It
provides me with everything I need--KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Chips, the lot...
==============
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
==============
A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator
says, "How do you know?" He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
==============
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
==============

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.
==============
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a
good product name.
==============
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center,
but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the
bomber jackets.
==============
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden
hose only reaches to the end of the driveway.
==============================================

This is Rich Stuff.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

and one more...

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:



"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."



"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place !," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:



"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"



They continue walking when they see a sign:



"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"



Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.



"Who the heck is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.

This is Rich Too.

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ


A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.



The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

 

[texasace]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V.. Gina

 

[hummermania]

2 guys from France (Jaques and Gilles) decide to emigrate to Canada and take up residence in Montreal.
They are gay, and prostitutes, and were well known in France for their oral abilities.
One day, after they had been working their asses off, they are relaxing in their condo and discussing the new life in the new world.
Jaques says to Gilles that he likes the ambiance of Montreal, it is not quite like gay Paris, but has a certain vigor thatis quite robust.
Gilles replies that he agrees, but is disappointed in the reaction to his talents. he tell Jaques that he feels in France we were artistes, but here in Canada we are just cocksucker.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he

Offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the
Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
Actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
Then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
They will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
Question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
His name.

"Mikey," he responds.

"And what is your question, Mikey?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise


I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V.. Gina

penis song



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4HpPa8F6Zk&feature=player_detailpage

 

[shamelessZZZ]

ZZZ

This is Good.

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he

Offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the
Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
Actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
Then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
They will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
Question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
His name.

"Mikey," he responds.

"And what is your question, Mikey?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the hell happened to Walter?"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

This is good.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business,

waiting on it to turn green.A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims,

shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car

and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car,

crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,

"Man... that could have been me!"

So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.