How do you help someone get over being abused

[mistletoe1963]

Ooh! Breakthrough in therapy, fellows! I got near water! Like, actually fairly close to a pool of honest to god, liquid water! That would have been impossible for me a while back! Desensitization treatment does work! Fuck you, phobia!

... It did get to me eventually, and I had to leave, but that's progress, right?

sooooo proud of you!!...remarkable progress, you are well on your way!!

 

[Noor]

Thats so sad to hear Noor, the last I heard was he was feeling great being away from here it's such a shame he has fallen back into the past but not uncommon.

Fingers crossed he can recover & escape.

I think something is wrong with him besides the going back to his abuser, his is not the same person in some ways.

 

[Kurokami]

sooooo proud of you!!...remarkable progress, you are well on your way!!

Thank you

It's weird the way fear works, though; intellectually I'm aware that going near water probably won't lead to my death, but the moment I'm actually out there, I start to remember what drowning felt like, all that pain comes back... Fear is not an intellectual sensation.

Well, I guess that's what therapy is for, huh?

 

[Gil_T2]

Still living. That's about all right now.

How are you doing Noor?

Same here too Kiki, we are not enjoying the cold weather either so only going out when needed. I am getting a lot of dental work done too then when I'm done BANDIT's turn.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Passing through again with wishing best to all healing and bravely facing each new day. And best to those being there for those going through such healing.

May each moment be sweeter than the last !

( hugs for those wishing and needing them... now or any time )

 

[kikmosa]

.....

 

[Bandit58]

Kiki I won't quote you in case you do come back and delete your post, but believe me there are people who care even though they live a long long way from you

Call someone. Do you have access to help lines like LifeLine or a suicide prevention helpline? CALL THEM!

I don't know what else to say, but both of us really do care what happens to you

 

[kikmosa]

.....

I wish to completely apologize for the comments made in my last post. It won't happen again.

 

[Bandit58]

I wish to completely apologize for the comments made in my last post. It won't happen again.

*HUGS* I hope you're getting some help sweetheart

 

[Gil_T2]

I wish to completely apologize for the comments made in my last post. It won't happen again.

Kiki you have nothing to Apologise as long as you remember that there are places for help & there are people who care about you too, we do have a special bond & never worry about contacting me, I am here for you even if it is the other side of the world.

You are a very special person Kiki.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

I have been dealing with some issues that relate to an emotionally abusive situation (a relationship of 20+ years). I didn't acknowledge that it was abuse eary on in the relationship even though it sent up red flags. I put up with many things over the years in an effort to keep the relationship together and I kept thinking everything would work itself out.
I was told that I was a terrible kisser and that I needed lessons; that I just didn't seem to be into sex and so it stopped; that I had emotional issues stemming from an attempted rape when I was a child that was keeping me from being sexual (which was not true); that I must have hormonal or biochemical issues; etc. etc. etc.
Individually, they might seem innocent, even stemming from a concern. However, the method and continued frequency with which these things were delivered were, I now realize, a possible form of abuse.
I didn't realize the extent of the damage until I had a relationship with someone else (for a short time) and in a kissing/makeout session I almost cried for joy because he didn't have one negative thing to say about my kissing. Something I had abstained from doing other than a quick peck every now and then, because noone likes to be told they aren't any good at something.
I am hopeful that someday I will be able to trust someone again and that I can attempt to have a relationship that is not controlling for either of us, and unconditional love and acceptance. I also hope that it is highly sexual having been deprived for so long.
I hope I am in a better place emotionally and soul-wise when I meet someone, and I expect there might be times when I have episodes of uncertainty I hope that they will be patient and loving and just continue to show me that in a consistent manner. I think then I will be able to trust and be completely open and communicative and expressive with them.
Good luck to everyone (sorry I didn't read all the posts here just a few on the last two pages so I don't know all the details of everyone's situation).

 

[Kurokami]

Well okay, it's been a while since I posted here. The good news is that I'm now swimming. Like, I can actually enter water and stay there, which is a feat that still amazes me, on occasion. It seems like I'm just about through with the desensitization treatment too; my therapist says I should only have to go through a few more sessions, aiming for the big enchilada of completely submerging myself.

I've also started Human Givens therapy (thanks, Cattypuss!) ostensibly to completely wreck my anxiety issues and nightmares, but it's too soon to tell. I'd need to give it a few more days.

Still, things are looking up! And I'll be a dad in the next month or so, so I'm glad I've managed to get things to a manageable state before then. Exciting!

 

[mistletoe1963]

Kurokami....I read this with a big smile on my face...fantastic!!!! ....I am so very proud of you...sometimes it`s a long, hurting process but it can be done, I knew you could do it, woot woot!!!

 

[Kurokami]

Kurokami....I read this with a big smile on my face...fantastic!!!! ....I am so very proud of you...sometimes it`s a long, hurting process but it can be done, I knew you could do it, woot woot!!!

Thank you! Really, everything I do, I do for my daughters, and my ultimate aim was to be able to teach them to swim once they're older. I'm glad I've been able to get myself to that stage before they're even born. Whenever I felt I couldn't do it, I just had to think of them. It actually made the whole toerturous process rather palatable

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

Well okay, it's been a while since I posted here. The good news is that I'm now swimming. Like, I can actually enter water and stay there, which is a feat that still amazes me, on occasion. It seems like I'm just about through with the desensitization treatment too; my therapist says I should only have to go through a few more sessions, aiming for the big enchilada of completely submerging myself.

I've also started Human Givens therapy (thanks, Cattypuss!) ostensibly to completely wreck my anxiety issues and nightmares, but it's too soon to tell. I'd need to give it a few more days.

Still, things are looking up! And I'll be a dad in the next month or so, so I'm glad I've managed to get things to a manageable state before then. Exciting!

I am so amazingly excited to hear that you are swimming!!! I am just SOOOO excited. What type of desensitization therapy did you do, if you don't mind me asking?

Hopefully the other therapy will get rid of your nightmares and anxiety issues! Congrats on the being a daddy! Such exciting times for you! *HUGS* I am so proud of you.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I had thought about coming here and updating but I feel like I took a step back even though I really didn't. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD last month. It's been so hard. Suicidal ideations, nightmares, constant panic attacks. The past week or two have been better. I am working hard to stay busy so I don't seem to notice but things come out of nowhere.
I am seeing a psychiatrist for my medications and a therapist for everything else. The therapy is hard for me. I am an emotional wreck before and after. it's opening up some things to me that I wanted to stay buried. I know it's necessary but I still hate that part. I start desensitization therapy next week so I am hoping that will help though it is going to be rough in itself..at least that's what she tells me.
The hardest part is feeling totally alone in it all. I know that it would upset my husband and girlfriend to think I feel that way but I just know that is how I feel right now. It's not really their fault. They are trying as much as they can. Is this normal?

 

[Kurokami]

I had thought about coming here and updating but I feel like I took a step back even though I really didn't. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD last month. It's been so hard. Suicidal ideations, nightmares, constant panic attacks. The past week or two have been better. I am working hard to stay busy so I don't seem to notice but things come out of nowhere.
I am seeing a psychiatrist for my medications and a therapist for everything else. The therapy is hard for me. I am an emotional wreck before and after. it's opening up some things to me that I wanted to stay buried. I know it's necessary but I still hate that part. I start desensitization therapy next week so I am hoping that will help though it is going to be rough in itself..at least that's what she tells me.
The hardest part is feeling totally alone in it all. I know that it would upset my husband and girlfriend to think I feel that way but I just know that is how I feel right now. It's not really their fault. They are trying as much as they can. Is this normal?

Hi there. First off, thank you very much for your kind words earlier, they really perked me up. In answer to your question, I'm doing the standard systematic desensitization therapy; first coping mechanisms, then edging me closer and closer to the thing that makes me panic the most, while using those coping mechanisms to defuse that as we go. For me, the end goal is complete submersal in the ocean, which would be a huge deal for me.

Secondly, I wish you all the luck in the world going forward with your therapy. Desensitization therapy is a special kind of hell, in the beginning. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you, it's tough. But it'll get better, and the feeling of accomplishment you'll feel when it does? Totally worth it. You'll be on a high for days, with each new success.

And yes, it's normal to feel alone, even with the support around you. After all, you're the person going through it, only you're feeling the pain of the experience, and as much as other people empathise, they probably won't get it the way you do. But the people you love are trying to help you, and you need to keep telling yourself that. You're lucky you've got a support structure, and you need to keep telling yourself: I can turn to them, I can turn to them. Think of it like part of the process: you're reprogramming your brain with the therapy, and all the while you can reprogram yourself to remember that you're not truly alone in doing so.

Pro-tip? If you can, and I obviously can't speak to the issues you're facing down here, so my sincerest apologies if this advice is horrendously inappropriate... Find some way to laugh with them about it afterwards. I'm dealing with a water phobia, and the cause of it is something awful I still have trouble speaking about, but luckily, I look like a real idiot panicking in a pool. The thrashing around in the beginning was truly, magnificently ridiculous. And I had my wife with me to joke around and make me see the lighter side of it, once the fear had worn off and I could take it. She knew, without having to be told, when to offer a hug and some tenderness, and when to make me laugh and pull me out of my funk. it helped, enormously, to the point where I think I can thank her for how smoothly it all ended up going.

I don't know if any of this could help you, but I wish you the best, all the same

 

[Artina Heartflash]

I am thankful for this lengthy thread.
I know there are a ton of people who are still in abusive relationships.
I hope soon they find better lives.

What is 'functional' is not always 'healthy.'

Nuff said from me. Be happy.

 

[kikmosa]

I have been dealing with some issues that relate to an emotionally abusive situation (a relationship of 20+ years). I didn't acknowledge that it was abuse eary on in the relationship even though it sent up red flags. I put up with many things over the years in an effort to keep the relationship together and I kept thinking everything would work itself out.

Wishing you the best in the years to come. It's so easy to believe something when you hear it over and over again. It can shake even the deepest belief in yourself. Like water wearing away a stone drop by drop. But just as water can wear away a stone, it can also build it back like the stones of a cave. A good word here, a gentle touch there. You can rebuild the inner you with all the strength you once had and more. I wish for you that you find that water of rebirth in someone that loves you for who you are.

 

[Noor]

Hey Kiki!

 

[kikmosa]

Hey Kiki!

Hey Noor.

 

[Bandit58]

BUMPing the thread with the not-so-good-news that my daughter's partner has crossed the line by lying to her, gambling and punching a hole in the wall - if she hadn't yelled at him I fully expect the punch would have landed on her instead of the wall.

She's separating from him and moving back to her dad's with my 3 mth old grandson until she can find a house nearby for her and bubs. I've sent her some money to help with moving expenses and there's more here if she needs it.

He's lied to her before, and if she can't trust him to pay a bill instead of gambling the money away, or finds herself walking on eggshells so as not to upset him in case he lashes out, then it's not worth staying. I stayed for many many years too long I don't want her to make the same mistake. She will have family close by where she's going and lots of doting cousins and aunties to babysit.

 

[kikmosa]

BUMPing the thread with the not-so-good-news that my daughter's partner has crossed the line

I'm glad she got out while she could. I know it's hard but in the end she'll be better off.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

BUMPing the thread with the not-so-good-news that my daughter's partner has crossed the line by lying to her, gambling and punching a hole in the wall - if she hadn't yelled at him I fully expect the punch would have landed on her instead of the wall.

She's separating from him and moving back to her dad's with my 3 mth old grandson until she can find a house nearby for her and bubs. I've sent her some money to help with moving expenses and there's more here if she needs it.

He's lied to her before, and if she can't trust him to pay a bill instead of gambling the money away, or finds herself walking on eggshells so as not to upset him in case he lashes out, then it's not worth staying. I stayed for many many years too long I don't want her to make the same mistake. She will have family close by where she's going and lots of doting cousins and aunties to babysit.

I totally agree with kikmosa. I'm so glad she has such supportive people around her.

 

[Bandit58]

She's back home on the farm now, and has an appointment tomorrow with social services to apply for single mother's benefit.

She has a house she can move into (family owned so she can live there rent free). She will have time to get herself emotionally together again and concentrate on her son, whose pics I have just seen on Facebook (thanks son!) and who is a gorgeous smiley little boy.

Gambling and drugs seem to be more important to his father though