If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

[HottieMama]

When you were just starting out in the lifestyle, what would you have wanted a more experienced person to share with you? What has turned out to be really important? What one piece of advice do you wish you heard in the very beginning that might have made things easier/better? What one piece of advice do you wish you never took to heart because it turned out to be crap?

There is a reason why I am asking this, so I truly appreciate all replies...

Thanks!

 

[CutieMouse]

Submissive perspective -

1) People who swear they are really really really experienced and therefor know best... might not. They might be really really really experienced for them[selves], but that doesn't mean everything will translate well enough to fit your needs.

Bonus advice -

2) Get your shit together as a person before you mess with this crap.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Make sure that if you go into a relationship with someone who is poly, that you understand what that means to them, and make sure that you are prepared for what that may mean for you.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I think my best advice would be to encourage a newbie to find a friend. Seek out someone with similar views on TTTWD. Not really a mentor, as much as a confident to go to who will be honest and compassionate. I have one such friend who has saved my sanity and my relationship on many, many occasions.

 

[His_pet_slut]

Everything changes. While this is true in life as a whole, it is also a truism in BDSM that I neglected to consider as thoroughly as I should have. Would recognizing the changes in my perspective that were on the horizon have kept me from embarking on this path? No, but I might have handled some situations differently.

 

[tcbyron]

I wish I had someone earlier tell me that I'm not some seriously depraved girl like many who just did not understand had called me because they did not enjoy the same things...

Seriously, I heard such negative things about the things that I thought / dreamed / wanted when I first started out that I ran into the arms of the most vanilla male I knew and ended up married to him for almost 10 years.

Regardless of if the person is a newbie or not, as long as it is safe, sane and consensual, who are any of us to judge someone elses desires and put them down?

 

[intothewoods]

Submissive perspective -

1) People who swear they are really really really experienced and therefor know best... might not. They might be really really really experienced for them[selves], but that doesn't mean everything will translate well enough to fit your needs.

Bonus advice -

2) Get your shit together as a person before you mess with this crap.

#2 for the win!

Other than that I would say take it slow, but that's so tough to do when you're the new kid on the block and lots of people want to fuck--I mean, play with you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

How to tie a knot so that it doesn't slip and damage someone's wrist.

That 24/7 sex-slavery is nothing more than a novelist's fantasy, but we can be pretty damn happy with evenings and weekends.

And also, that it IS possible to transition from female to male, no matter what the doctors were saying back then.

 

[intothewoods]

Stella's post reminds me, I kind of wish I had put the issue of D/s identification aside. We all have relationship and sexual preferences, but if you're lucky enough to be in a city with a big scene filled with people who like to play, why not enjoy it all? I think I fell into the trap of being perceived or presenting as a bratty bottom straight sub female and there's really no reason I couldn't learn to top. Why? Because it seems fun and why not have fun when you're first on the scene and single. It doesn't all have to be intense/sex/relationship-y stuff.

 

[DVS]

Oh, my God...
Back when I was first experimenting with my fetishes, I had no idea what I was doing. I just knew I enjoyed it. These fetishes included the female body (I hadn't yet begun to include the female mind) and the power and passion it gave me was crazy fun. But, because I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know how to control it, or the female body I so adored. And, I was all of 12 years old when I started trying to seriously understand it.

But, because I was alone with my thoughts, I thought I was strange. And, any time I related my desires to someone, they gave me that "you are strange" look, which didn't help. But, if I had known then what I know now, I would have pursued those female bodies with the knowledge I now have and those "you are strange" looks would have changed. I just didn't know enough about my own desires or my power to influence someone into joining my experimentation.

I did have one cute 10 year old neighbor girl who seemed to understand my fetishes, or maybe it was she had them, too. Her father died when she was very young and her mother's method of punishment would often involve cutting a switch from a tree. Neither of us really understood what we were doing, but we were both willing to play, just the same.

We grew up and apart and while I had a few more little trysts of fun with other neighborhood girls, they were nothing like what I'd had with her. Oh, if I had only known then what I know now...maybe I wouldn't have had such a dry spell in my youth and teen years, and maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone. No Internet, no other means of finding out about BDSM except for the "dirty" magazines that I wasn't able to purchase for years to come. By the time I understood things, I had a complex and it was difficult to even approach women. But, maybe I wouldn't be as kinky as I am now, if all of this hadn't happened. Yes, I enjoy being kinky.

That cute little 10 year old girl grew up, got married and moved to Mammoth, California. I don't know if she even remembers our kinky fun. I like to think she does, because I remember it...with fondness and sincere appreciation.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Nothing, really. All my learning experiences were positive, and my attitude changes have been organic.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Stella's post reminds me, I kind of wish I had put the issue of D/s identification aside. We all have relationship and sexual preferences, but if you're lucky enough to be in a city with a big scene filled with people who like to play, why not enjoy it all? I think I fell into the trap of being perceived or presenting as a bratty bottom straight sub female and there's really no reason I couldn't learn to top. Why? Because it seems fun and why not have fun when you're first on the scene and single. It doesn't all have to be intense/sex/relationship-y stuff.

This, this this.

From now on, when new subs show up here, I am going to refer them to this post.

 

[HottieMama]

This thread is really gathering some great responses... Keep them coming...

 

[YourCaptor]

Stella's post reminds me, I kind of wish I had put the issue of D/s identification aside. We all have relationship and sexual preferences, but if you're lucky enough to be in a city with a big scene filled with people who like to play, why not enjoy it all? I think I fell into the trap of being perceived or presenting as a bratty bottom straight sub female and there's really no reason I couldn't learn to top. Why? Because it seems fun and why not have fun when you're first on the scene and single. It doesn't all have to be intense/sex/relationship-y stuff.

Why not have fun now?

 

[waaitg]

Don't accept the word of anyone as Gospel because anyone can be wrong.

One of my first attempts at gathering information went horribly wrong because the person I asked was a) more interested in seducing newbies and b) believed that straight people were incapable of being "truly" into bdsm so he would tell them not to waste his time.

 

[BiBunny]

I wish I'd known that nobody truly has my best interests at heart but ME. Sure, people might be concerned about me, and they might even care about me, but, ultimately, if it comes down to me or them, they'll always choose themselves. It's human nature to look out for number one. There's no such thing as pure selflessness, and absolute power does corrupt absolutely. It sounds hot in theory, but it rarely plays out very well in practice.

 

[Loverskitten]

I wish I'd known that nobody truly has my best interests at heart but ME. Sure, people might be concerned about me, and they might even care about me, but, ultimately, if it comes down to me or them, they'll always choose themselves. It's human nature to look out for number one. There's no such thing as pure selflessness, and absolute power does corrupt absolutely. It sounds hot in theory, but it rarely plays out very well in practice.

Oh jaded bunny, you sound like jaded Loverskitten
Made me think of this
http://i1239.photobucket.com/albums/ff512/Loverskitten/5a542ab0.jpg

 

[Loverskitten]

Stella's post reminds me, I kind of wish I had put the issue of D/s identification aside. We all have relationship and sexual preferences, but if you're lucky enough to be in a city with a big scene filled with people who like to play, why not enjoy it all? I think I fell into the trap of being perceived or presenting as a bratty bottom straight sub female and there's really no reason I couldn't learn to top. Why? Because it seems fun and why not have fun when you're first on the scene and single. It doesn't all have to be intense/sex/relationship-y stuff.

Well I do wish I had explored my kinky side long ago, but now that I'm older I do long for the intense relationshipy stuff... Guys not so much sadly

Edited to add, I've never had a real loving long term relationship, and being the tough, single mom, "I can do it all on my own" kind of chick, does get tiring after too many years, sigh

 

[intothewoods]

This, this this.

From now on, when new subs show up here, I am going to refer them to this post.

Thank you, Stella.

Why not have fun now?

NO MORE FUN ALLOWED.

Just kidding. Once I have a bit more time to go out again, I plan on doing things a bit differently. Plenty of fun to be had, although my husband and I haven't really revisited the subject of what play with others is allowed and all that.

 

[knot_sweet]

Read as much as you can. Learn as much as you can. But remember that real life has variables you can't study for.

Unless you are extremely lucky, the first person you play with will probably not be the last. Don't stay with someone out of fear of being alone or gratitude if your kinks aren't ultimately compatible.

Don't judge yourself by other people's lifestyle choices. Just because you don't kneel for your PYL, you don't go to muches, you're a pushy bottom or a service top, you don't like pain, you are on line only...none of these things make you as a pyl or PYL any less kinky or worthy of input than the people who wear leather, hang by their nipples and enjoy 24/7 relationships. Don't let other people define your kink.

 

[ponysslave]

Oh, my God...
Back when I was first experimenting with my fetishes, I had no idea what I was doing. I just knew I enjoyed it. These fetishes included the female body (I hadn't yet begun to include the female mind) and the power and passion it gave me was crazy fun. But, because I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know how to control it, or the female body I so adored. And, I was all of 12 years old when I started trying to seriously understand it.

But, because I was alone with my thoughts, I thought I was strange. And, any time I related my desires to someone, they gave me that "you are strange" look, which didn't help. But, if I had known then what I know now, I would have pursued those female bodies with the knowledge I now have and those "you are strange" looks would have changed. I just didn't know enough about my own desires or my power to influence someone into joining my experimentation.

I did have one cute 10 year old neighbor girl who seemed to understand my fetishes, or maybe it was she had them, too. Her father died when she was very young and her mother's method of punishment would often involve cutting a switch from a tree. Neither of us really understood what we were doing, but we were both willing to play, just the same.

We grew up and apart and while I had a few more little trysts of fun with other neighborhood girls, they were nothing like what I'd had with her. Oh, if I had only known then what I know now...maybe I wouldn't have had such a dry spell in my youth and teen years, and maybe I wouldn't have felt so alone. No Internet, no other means of finding out about BDSM except for the "dirty" magazines that I wasn't able to purchase for years to come. By the time I understood things, I had a complex and it was difficult to even approach women. But, maybe I wouldn't be as kinky as I am now, if all of this hadn't happened. Yes, I enjoy being kinky.

That cute little 10 year old girl grew up, got married and moved to Mammoth, California. I don't know if she even remembers our kinky fun. I like to think she does, because I remember it...with fondness and sincere appreciation.

Beautiful. It's interesting to look back on childhood memories now and understand those feelings & desires...and know you weren't/aren't so strange.

 

[ponysslave]

Don't judge yourself by other people's lifestyle choices. Just because you don't kneel for your PYL, you don't go to muches, you're a pushy bottom or a service top, you don't like pain, you are on line only...none of these things make you as a pyl or PYL any less kinky or worthy of input than the people who wear leather, hang by their nipples and enjoy 24/7 relationships. Don't let other people define your kink.

CHEERS.

 

[HottieMama]

Don't judge yourself by other people's lifestyle choices. Just because you don't kneel for your PYL, you don't go to muches, you're a pushy bottom or a service top, you don't like pain, you are on line only...none of these things make you as a pyl or PYL any less kinky or worthy of input than the people who wear leather,hang by their nipples and enjoy 24/7 relationships. Don't let other people define your kink.

I need to remember this...

 

[FurryFury]

Like DVS, I thought I was strange, wrong or whatever before I found out the why's wherefores, and yes, labels.

The main mistake I've made has been to stop being the aggressor with my husband after the first four years of accepting my kink. I felt erroneously guilty that he might be doing things just because I wanted to and that I might be wearing him out.

Now I know that was a BIG mistake. I haven't turned on the corner on that one yet. It's been slooooooow going with him calling the shots. He'll almost always pick computers, sports or cooking over sex of any kind. It's not that sex isn't important to him, it's just something he's found difficult to prioritize.

However, he has gotten more of the hang of making time for it lately. He's even slightly kinky in ways we both enjoy a good portion of the time. This gives me heart. It was a long painful lesson for us both though.

Don't let your false guilt, ego and yearning fuck your shit up like that again, FF. That's what I'd say to me if I fell in a fold of time or whatever.

Doh!



Warning. Posting sleep deprived. This may not make any sense at all. LOL

 

[Trakshvar]

I wish I'd known that nobody truly has my best interests at heart but ME. Sure, people might be concerned about me, and they might even care about me, but, ultimately, if it comes down to me or them, they'll always choose themselves. It's human nature to look out for number one. There's no such thing as pure selflessness, and absolute power does corrupt absolutely. It sounds hot in theory, but it rarely plays out very well in practice.

Just hadto make a comment on this It is in fact possible for someone to only care about others and not about themselves heh... I suffer fro a mental conditon that makes it impossible for me to have an emotional attachment to myself. i see my life from a third person perspective and in return i tend to emotionally attach ridiculously strongly to others i percieve as worthy. Course trough years oif theraphy i have been able to not simply care about everywone but it is in fact possible Rather rare but possible hehe



Now as a reply to the post i personally started out online.. Starting to research this phenomenon as early as i gott my hands on a computer and a internett connection at the age of 13. And i suggest to make sure to spend long hours studying and researching everything first.. A good theoretical knowledge makes it easier to move to real situations.. Course it also sort of ruined my first relationshipp as i had way too high knowledge then my dom heh... But gotta take the good with the bad