What's a Munch

[Tryharder62]

I have been reading off the site so this will be the last newbe question but I had someone e-mail me and needed to know right away if I could make it to a munch. What in the world is that. I am not getting a clear answer when I google it. Do you want to do that? I see I am listed as a virgin on the site. I certainly feel like it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Most cities have BDSM groups that get together on a regular (or semi-regular) basis to socialize. They would "meet & lunch", which became known as a "munch".

Munches tend to be informal, "vanilla" (I so dislike that term), gatherings at local restaurants to socialize with like minded people/get to know what formal groups/organizations are in the area. Most munches will not include demonstrations/"play"/kinky stuff; however, some munches are set up to both socialize and engage in BDSM, and some are set up to socialize at the restaurant then proceed to the local dungeon (if desired).

Common advice is "OMG you have to find a munch, and attend so you'll be "known" in the community"... There are people who are comfortable doing that, and people who aren't, and pros and cons to being involved or not - just like any other group.

 

[boredVAwife]

Thanks CM cause I have wondered as well but often I feel like a doof for asking questions that show how little I really know.

 

[DVS]

Thanks CM cause I have wondered as well but often I feel like a doof for asking questions that show how little I really know.

You might be amazed at how little many of us know, but because we don't ask questions, it's assumed we know a lot.

Don't ever assume we are all smart and experienced people. We just want you to think we are. It's done with smoke and mirrors, mostly. And so it remains the same...the only stupid or silly question is the one not asked.

Note to self...remember to get smoke machine fixed.

 

[boredVAwife]

I recently moved from a city of around a couple hundred thousand to one that has over a million so maybe I can find something more along this lifestyle here. Hope so.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I recently moved from a city of around a couple hundred thousand to one that has over a million so maybe I can find something more along this lifestyle here. Hope so.

I'm betting you will!

To OP: yes, go to the munch. It will be in a public place, and you will bee safe. You'll be able to get a feeling for some of the people in your locality, (not all of them, but it's always a astart) and see if they seem creepy to you, or if you feel comfortable seeing any of them again in more private groups.

Some things;

Don't feel disappointed if everyone looks mundane, normal and boring. Very few folks show up at a diner in latex or leather! if they do... you might keep it in mind that they are prone to acting out.

Make eye contact with the folks you're talking to. No need to be shy.


SAFETY TIPS:

You do not need to give your real name or address or any other information to anyone at a munch. You can if you feel okay doing so-- but in no way should you compromise your privacy if you feel discomfort.

It's a good idea, in fact, to create a pseudonym email account for your scene purposes. Of course, then you'll need to remember to check it!

Do not allow anyone to start ordering you around, unless they've asked you if you would like to be so ordered, just for a taste. And if they do and you do, remember that this is only a taste, and you are not their slave for ever after. The BDSM world is full of wannabe Doms, male and female, ready to glom onto new meat (And vice versa, for that matter, if you are a dominant type don't let yourself be claimed by the first sub that kneels at your feet, because subs can be just as predatory) (and nobody should be kneeling in a family diner anyway)

Anyone who insists on being called "Master this" or "Sir That" or "Mistress whatsit" is showing their insecurity. No need to challenge them, just information to be filed away for later. On the other hand, you may notice that some people get called "Sir" or Mistress" naturally, by the people who know them, this might be a sign that they deserve the respect and the title.

Umm... what else, folks?

 

[boredVAwife]

Keep up the Cliffs Notes. and thanx.

 

[Tryharder62]

Thanks

You all explained it so well. I will have to see how it goes.

 

[StrayKat]

Umm... what else, folks?

Actually I have a question.
A woman I know attended one of such munches. When I asked her how it was, she said she was warned about one of the people present. Apparently the man is unreliable and has a history of some serious abuse.
Now in my opinion the person organizing should know better than to invite someone like that and I said so. I was quite a bit appalled. Was I wrong to make fuss?

 

[CutieMouse]

Actually I have a question.
A woman I know attended one of such munches. When I asked her how it was, she said she was warned about one of the people present. Apparently the man is unreliable and has a history of some serious abuse.
Now in my opinion the person organizing should know better than to invite someone like that and I said so. I was quite a bit appalled. Was I wrong to make fuss?

Except that munches are usually held in a public venue... open to the public. Additionally, one of the difficult things about kink, is that one person's "abuse" may be another persons "ideal".

I've attended a munch or two (although it's not really my thing), and was warned about a person attending who had a history of cornering "newbie submissives" at the dungeon event after and exposing himself. It wasn't an issue [for me], as I had no intention of going to the dungeon thing afterward... well, that and I was about 6" taller than him (in heels), and everyone at the munch kept assuming I was a Domme based on demeanor and looks. LOL

In my perfect world, those attending munches would have enough self awareness and strength, and a strong enough bullshit meter that "helpful warnings" would be unnecessary - because users/abusers would find munches/etc to be futile hunting ground.

 

[StrayKat]

Except that munches are usually held in a public venue... open to the public. Additionally, one of the difficult things about kink, is that one person's "abuse" may be another persons "ideal".

Said person had a history of seriously hurting subs if I got it correctly. As in no respect for limits and safewords.
I am well aware its a public gathering, but isnt a fact that someone is invited to attend kind of green light for others? You dont expect your vanilla friends to invite a serial killer for a dinner as a potential new friend for you with their blessing do you? (Ok I am exaggerating now but you get my point).

In my perfect world, those attending munches would have enough self awareness and strength, and a strong enough bullshit meter that "helpful warnings" would be unnecessary - because users/abusers would find munches/etc to be futile hunting ground.

Sadly, a lot of people seriously lack the bullshit meter

 

[TheOlderGuy]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munch_(BDSM)

unless you meant

 

[CutieMouse]

Said person had a history of seriously hurting subs if I got it correctly. As in no respect for limits and safewords.
I am well aware its a public gathering, but isnt a fact that someone is invited to attend kind of green light for others? You dont expect your vanilla friends to invite a serial killer for a dinner as a potential new friend for you with their blessing do you? (Ok I am exaggerating now but you get my point).



Sadly, a lot of people seriously lack the bullshit meter

I've never attended a munch that was "invitation only". to my knowledge, most of them are publicized as "XYZ Restaurant at such-and-such time" on places like FetLife. Smaller gatherings/group events in people's homes/etc tend to be invitation only, but generic munches? Not really.

 

[IsabellaKing]

Most cities have BDSM groups that get together on a regular (or semi-regular) basis to socialize. They would "meet & lunch", which became known as a "munch".

When I saw the thread title I thought: I've gotta come in and ask if anyone knows where the word originated from .

 

[DVS]

Actually I have a question.
A woman I know attended one of such munches. When I asked her how it was, she said she was warned about one of the people present. Apparently the man is unreliable and has a history of some serious abuse.
Now in my opinion the person organizing should know better than to invite someone like that and I said so. I was quite a bit appalled. Was I wrong to make fuss?

Of the munches I've been to, you aren't "invited". You are just a member of a group, are a friend of someone in a group, or you happen across a web site of a group which might have a normal day (such as second Tuesday of every month, etc.) when the munches would be held. Then, you might send an email to the munch organizer to find out the place for the munch. Sometimes, they are kept private so people and groups (such as the Phelps family) can't come and picket the restaurant.

Anyway, if someone in a group is less than desirable for newbies to play with, that is one reason for what a munch is for. You decide the group is to your liking, so someone then shows you the ropes, so to speak, of who is OK and who isn't. If a person is not newbie friendly, he/she might still be fine for someone else in the group.

And it might also be possible that someone has had a bad experience with someone and so everybody they talk to, they tell them this person is bad. It's not that they are vindictive, they might just assume that if they had a bad experience, then others would, too.

BDSM groups are just like any other group of people. It's a personality thing. Some are OK and some might not be to your liking. Black flagging someone usually isn't a group thing unless there are enough members against him, an equal opportunity employer, so to speak.

 

[StrayKat]

I've never attended a munch that was "invitation only". to my knowledge, most of them are publicized as "XYZ Restaurant at such-and-such time" on places like FetLife. Smaller gatherings/group events in people's homes/etc tend to be invitation only, but generic munches? Not really.

I see. Well maybe I got the wrong impression that this one was kind of invitation type.

 

[DVS]

What is a munch?

 

[StrayKat]

Thanks DVS
I am not a kind to go to such places myself but I was sort of worried for a friend.

 

[waaitg]

Information and protocols tend to be very elastic and can vary not just from city to city, but within groups of the same city.

For example, what are the absolute strict rules about a staff Christmas party? Are spouses invited? Are kids? Is it work? Who pays for the food? Or the drinks? Will the company provide cabs? If we cannot have agreement over a basic holiday tradition after 60 years, then don't be surprised then that kink meets still have a way to go as well.

I suggest asking questions about anything you are uncertain about because for every ASSumption you make, there will be an incident somewhere down the line (or in the past) where it has come back to haunt people.

One can be a submissive, while remaining skeptical and cynical. If your suspicions are unfounded, no harm / no foul, but if they turn out to be justified, it can literally save you a world of pain.

W~

 

[LilKitten11]

Thanks for posting, and for all the info provided. It took me a couple weeks to realize what it was too!

 

[StrayKat]

I suggest asking questions about anything you are uncertain about because for every ASSumption you make, there will be an incident somewhere down the line (or in the past) where it has come back to haunt people.

One can be a submissive, while remaining skeptical and cynical. If your suspicions are unfounded, no harm / no foul, but if they turn out to be justified, it can literally save you a world of pain.

W~

Like I said, I dont and have no plans to attend any such munches.
Its the friend I feel worried about sometimes that did it and she told me about it. I just dont feel she is skeptical and cynical enough to deal with people the way she should sometimes. I know it is not a rule but I do find submissive women (at least those I know a bit better) lacking a common sense to judge properly now and then. Maybe because most of them are alone for quite a long time and are so very keen on finding that perfect Dom to live happily with ever after. So I get worried if someone I know is prone to wrong judgments gets herself into risky situation.

Personally I have no problem spotting bullshit. Sometimes I even get along if I decide the person is interesting enough to risk it. Made for several thrilling experiences, but I am not fooled about the motives and I generally know exactly what I am getting myself into.
My main problem is when I get overprotective about some people and try to stop them when I see them heading into a train wreck without a second thought.
That is why I sometimes make fuss out of nothing, what I apparently did here too

 

[DVS]

Like I said, I dont and have no plans to attend any such munches.
Its the friend I feel worried about sometimes that did it and she told me about it. I just dont feel she is skeptical and cynical enough to deal with people the way she should sometimes. I know it is not a rule but I do find submissive women (at least those I know a bit better) lacking a common sense to judge properly now and then. Maybe because most of them are alone for quite a long time and are so very keen on finding that perfect Dom to live happily with ever after. So I get worried if someone I know is prone to wrong judgments gets herself into risky situation.

Personally I have no problem spotting bullshit. Sometimes I even get along if I decide the person is interesting enough to risk it. Made for several thrilling experiences, but I am not fooled about the motives and I generally know exactly what I am getting myself into.
My main problem is when I get overprotective about some people and try to stop them when I see them heading into a train wreck without a second thought.
That is why I sometimes make fuss out of nothing, what I apparently did here too

Unfortunately, the friends you speak of are just the type of submissive that is prime prey for all of those posers, fakers and abusers out there. They know how to play the game and how they have to look to someone who isn't experienced enough to know any better.

BDSM groups do sometimes have people in charge of security, but usually only a Sgt. at Arms and that person only makes sure any situation is controlled at a meeting, play party or whatever. Munches are by design just a gathering of people with the same interests. They are not meant to be social dating scenes. They give people a chance to make new friends and to find out that they are not alone in their sexual interests.

I understand how you feel about your friends. It's not easy to know the difference between good and bad, in any form. The bad have the necessary skills to look the part and newbie submissives are hungry for the connection they desire.

I'd suggest your friend make friends with other submissives in a group to get the behind the scenes info on different dominants. Long time members of a group know the good and the bad of most members. And there are questions one can ask to find the fakers, but it isn't an exact science. Some good doms can be filtered out with the same questions. Been there, done that. The BDSM library has several links to threads with conversations on how to spot a fake dom, as well as ways to play safe.

 

[graceanne]

BDSM Library: Events/Locales

 

[HottieMama]

A lot of munches here in the Wichita area are invitation only...so it is not unheard of. We have 4 main kink groups here, with a LOT of drama and fighting, so the organizers are fairly particular about who they let in and who they don't...

 

[DVS]

A lot of munches here in the Wichita area are invitation only...so it is not unheard of. We have 4 main kink groups here, with a LOT of drama and fighting, so the organizers are fairly particular about who they let in and who they don't...

The drama and fighting between the two main groups years ago got to be a pain for me and I finally got tired of being required to take sides. Finally, those two groups split up into several different groups. Even some of those groups started fighting. It's not something exclusive to BDSM groups but it is something groups in general have to contend with. Families fight, partnerships fight, employees in the workplace fight...and of course entertainment (rock groups) fight from time to time.

I just don't like the associated drama and when members are "encouraged" to take sides against the opposing group, when they aren't even involved in the squabble.

It's all unfortunate, because today we have quite a few groups (one of the two major groups has disbanded), and none of them are very large. Small groups are usually warm and friendly, but they don't have the funds to bring in demos and such of national presenters. Ironically, that was one of the issues being fought over, years ago. The two main groups both wanted the same presenters. The losing group was always a poor loser.

And all of this was going down at the same time the Fred Phelps family was coming from Topeka to picket munches and such. Privacy was tried, but it was difficult to find new members with a private membership. I think that played a part in how the one group disbanded. People just drifted apart.