Can I create a Dom?

[LynnLacroix]

I am a submissive. I always have been. My husband knew this when he married me. I love my husband dearly. One of the qualities that attracted me to him is his drive and natural aggressiveness in the business world. He is having some trouble taking that same aggressiveness to the bedroom though. I've told him what I need, and when I ask he'll indulge me. He never goes as far as I'd like though. What can I do to encourage him to be dominant without coming off as demanding and whiny?

 

[nayia]

Maybe he doesn't want to hurt or frighten you. How do you react when he does what you ask for? Sometimes, in the beginning, the dom might just need some more encouragement. Tell him when he does something you really like, or make some sounds of appreciation; anything you can to show him how much you're enjoying it.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

He may just not be into that. Alot of guys aren't and if he is not going to get into it then it's something that you can't change.

You could start off small with things like hair pulling and spanking and ask him if he trusts you to show the levels that you like on him. I have done that to a guy before as his version of hair pulling was ummmm very limp wristed so I grabbed his hair and showed him the short of pressure that I liked and I found that really helped as he got the idea alot faster and better than a long winded discussion.

 

[DVS]

I am a submissive. I always have been. My husband knew this when he married me. I love my husband dearly. One of the qualities that attracted me to him is his drive and natural aggressiveness in the business world. He is having some trouble taking that same aggressiveness to the bedroom though. I've told him what I need, and when I ask he'll indulge me. He never goes as far as I'd like though. What can I do to encourage him to be dominant without coming off as demanding and whiny?

You may not be able to. Everybody is different and so it's difficult to explain to someone how that might work or how it might not.

There are some people who are submissive in all parts of their lives and there are some who are dominant in all parts of their lives. Then, there are some who are more dominant in their daily or business lives and then prefer to be more submissive or docile in their sex lives. The reverse can also be true in that some people might be more demure in their daily lives or business, then prefer a more powerful and controlling role in the bedroom.

Your husband probably falls within one of those descriptions, give or take. Because everybody is an individual, he might not fit like a cookie cutter into one of these personalities, but he might, too. Many of the women I've played with were more aggressive in their daily lives and very passive or submissive in their sexual lives. A couple even owned their own businesses where they hired and fired employees. One lady was the only female on a corporate board, literally fighting for power every day. But when she was with me, she became quite submissive.

Yes, it's almost like they are two different people in the same body. I think in some people, it's how the mind copes with the stress of the day. Because sexual release is quite strong, it can remove a lot of stress. The subconscious mind does all of this. It isn't something someone does on purpose.

The jury is still out if someone can preform as a dominant or submissive, if that role isn't something they crave. Sure, they can go through the motions, but over time, that will only get boring for them, if they don't really enjoy it. I don't think someone can change who they are sexually, any more than a gay person can become straight, or visa versa. We are what we are.

Your husband might be a dominant, and not know it. But he could also be submissive, too. Shit, he could even be a switch. In fact, he might find it all a bit strange and unusual, and only patronizing you, because he loves you. You need to sit down and talk things out. Find out what you both find erotic or what you might want to experiment with. Read stories and talk over what happens in these stories, if you find them interesting. The experimentation you share can be fun.

 

[LynnLacroix]

I really hope that it isn't that he can never be dominate in the bedroom. I need it. I love him dearly and would never ever leave, but I would be so unfulfilled if he can't satisfy this need for me. I would also hope that if he finds it weird he would just tell me. I don't think he would lie to patronize me. Every time we have had rougher sex he got a very good response from me, and the sex was great. Maybe I just need to try showing him what I want? He already tells me what to do in my personal life. For example, I had to have his permission to put my stories on Literotica. He seems to like it that way, so why not in bed?

 

[DVS]

I really hope that it isn't that he can never be dominate in the bedroom. I need it. I love him dearly and would never ever leave, but I would be so unfulfilled if he can't satisfy this need for me. I would also hope that if he finds it weird he would just tell me. I don't think he would lie to patronize me. Every time we have had rougher sex he got a very good response from me, and the sex was great. Maybe I just need to try showing him what I want? He already tells me what to do in my personal life. For example, I had to have his permission to put my stories on Literotica. He seems to like it that way, so why not in bed?

It's possible. You just need to find out. The best way to know is to tell him what you'd like to have happen and see what he says. Then, you go from there.

Oh, I know it's just the thread title, but you aren't creating a dom. But you might be bringing out his dominant ways. I don't think you can create one. Either way, if you end up with a dom, it's win win.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Or you could devote your 'natural submissive' tendencies towards the things he's showing a preference for controlling.

There's a difference between dominance and kinky sex. One can be dominant in day to day life without having an interest in the kinky sex.

 

[StrayKat]

There's a difference between dominance and kinky sex. One can be dominant in day to day life without having an interest in the kinky sex.

Or if they do have interest in kinky sex it can be on the completely opposite side of the coin and apply to nothing else but said sex.

<rant>
I am amazed how many "lyfestyle Doms" cant get their heads around that simple concept. If I like you to spank my ass in the bedroom that absolutely does not mean you are allowed to chain me to the stove in the kitchen. And you might not even get to vote which movie we are going to watch in the living room.

I dont know if its because men mostly think with their dicks or something else, but I wasted so many hours lately explaining to some otherwise pretty intelligent people that the fact I am willing to get involved with a Dom sexually does not give them permission to even ask if they can drive my car or call me a "sub". We are not even equals. If I am smarter, prettier and have more money I am going to shove those cards right into your ass first time you start to talk about "male supremacy". I am 48, I have been through tougher shit in life than most men I know, I am sharp and blunt as a hammer and perfectly capable to live through the nuclear war - does that sound like "your cute helpless little girl"?

I got to the point when I just hear the word "sub" I only want to say "you wanna know what a sub should be like in my opinion? get down on your knees and I will show you". And even after hours of explanations and some practical presentation all they still seem to see me as is "my sweet little sub". Makes me want to puke

Sorry about the derail.
</rant>

 

[cmky]

@Straykat
Can you get an amen? Yes ma'am, you can. Well said!

@DVS
I would never presume to speak for all bi-sexual people, but I can say, at least in my case, that a person can change another's sexual bias.
Before a certain woman entered my life, I was straight as could be. I never looked at other girls that way. After her, I did. She didn't reveal some hidden part of me I wasn't aware of, but she did open a door I never would have considered otherwise.
More to the point, I have a 'slave', but I never considered myself a dom. Still don't. But he approached me and my roomie and, after a lot of conversation, convinced us to give it a go.
At the same time, between me and my roomie, I am much more of a 'sub', though I'd resent the label.
The same may apply to the Lynn's hubby, or it may not.


@Lynn
How long have you and the hubby been together?
Does he like to read? If so, why not get some fiction on the topic and then roleplay out the scenarios. It might help if you established some boundaries at first. Make a night of it.
It may be that he is okay with the idea, but doesn't really know what to do about it. I have that problem all the time. It took months for my slave to 'train' me; to show me just how far I could go with it.
But then, like DVS said, it could be he's just not into it. Maybe after a long day of bossing people around, the last thing he wants to do is be the boss at home. Maybe you should consider changing it up a bit. After all, if you want him to change for you, shouldn't you be willing to do the same for him?

 

[His_pet_slut]

I really hope that it isn't that he can never be dominate in the bedroom. I need it. I love him dearly and would never ever leave, but I would be so unfulfilled if he can't satisfy this need for me. I would also hope that if he finds it weird he would just tell me. I don't think he would lie to patronize me. Every time we have had rougher sex he got a very good response from me, and the sex was great. Maybe I just need to try showing him what I want? He already tells me what to do in my personal life. For example, I had to have his permission to put my stories on Literotica. He seems to like it that way, so why not in bed?

You know, I really don't mean to come across as harsh, but this is really, really something that should have been addressed before you waltzed down the aisle to wedded bliss.

You can't just assume things will somehow magically become what you want after you get married if you haven't discussed it in a calm, rational and non-confrontational way.

Since you can't unring a bell, it is time to put on your big girl panties and tell him you want to have a heart to heart about exactly what it is you want. He is your husband, not a clairvoyant.

 

[MasterandSir]

You could encourage him and build him into being a top, I'm not so sure a Dom. PM me if you want to discuss it at length.

 

[LynnLacroix]

You know, I really don't mean to come across as harsh, but this is really, really something that should have been addressed before you waltzed down the aisle to wedded bliss.

You can't just assume things will somehow magically become what you want after you get married if you haven't discussed it in a calm, rational and non-confrontational way.

Since you can't unring a bell, it is time to put on your big girl panties and tell him you want to have a heart to heart about exactly what it is you want. He is your husband, not a clairvoyant.

He was more dominating in the bedroom before we got married, and honestly, I didn't realize how big of a deal it was going to be for me now. I was young when we got married. People do change.

 

[LynnLacroix]

@Lynn
How long have you and the hubby been together?
Does he like to read? If so, why not get some fiction on the topic and then roleplay out the scenarios. It might help if you established some boundaries at first. Make a night of it.
It may be that he is okay with the idea, but doesn't really know what to do about it. I have that problem all the time. It took months for my slave to 'train' me; to show me just how far I could go with it.
But then, like DVS said, it could be he's just not into it. Maybe after a long day of bossing people around, the last thing he wants to do is be the boss at home. Maybe you should consider changing it up a bit. After all, if you want him to change for you, shouldn't you be willing to do the same for him?

We have been married four years. I have written stories for him, and we have talked about it calmly and have discussed boundaries. For example, he doesn't want to call me any derogatory names. I respect that. So you really had no interest in this sort of stuff before you met your sub? How did she change that?

To everyone else: I took the advice of a friend last night and got rough with HIM in bed. He fought back. This may not seem like much to some of you guys, but he told me to put my mouth to use for a change. When I tried to pin his arms above him he pinched my nipple so hard I screamed. Fun was had by all. I consider this progress.

That girl that said we should have discussed this before we got married pissed me off. We did. Our sex life was different before marriage. I also didn't have the amount of anxiety in my life that I do now, was not on antidepressants (which makes me need more pre-sex stimulation), and was only 20 years old. I married for love. I suppose I could've married a guy who just enjoyed treating me like crap just because I like being kinky in bed but I didn't want that. I wanted MY husband. A man who respects and loves me enough to try this for me.

 

[His_pet_slut]

Sorry I pissed you off, but I see so many people that don't get how important communication is. I am one of those people that just speaks my mind and calls things how I see it. I would never advocate for someone to form a committed relationship based on an abusive relationship and honestly find it rather telling that you think that is your choice. Your husband or an abuser.

Thing is, by getting pissed off, you gave us a lot more information that could be quite pertinent to your problem.

You mentioned you are on antidepressants and need more stimulation. This is not an uncommon side effect with many antidepressants, especially SSRI's. Some are worse about it than others. I was on one at a point in time that I honest to goodness could not have an orgasm. I don't think I could have if my life depended on it and I don't care how hard I tried. Is this perhaps feeding into part of your need for it to be rougher? I was also perpetually angry when I first came out of the depression which led to only being able to get off when we fought before or during having sex. Obviously this was just my personal experience, but there is a reason all the SSRI's have sexual dysfunction high on the list of side effects. You might want to also visit with your physician about it and see if perhaps a med or dosage change might be in order.

You are still quite young and your marriage will go through many things that are challenging and change the direction you think you are going if you stick with it. I wish you well.

 

[LynnLacroix]

Sorry I pissed you off, but I see so many people that don't get how important communication is. I am one of those people that just speaks my mind and calls things how I see it. I would never advocate for someone to form a committed relationship based on an abusive relationship and honestly find it rather telling that you think that is your choice. Your husband or an abuser.

Thing is, by getting pissed off, you gave us a lot more information that could be quite pertinent to your problem.

You mentioned you are on antidepressants and need more stimulation. This is not an uncommon side effect with many antidepressants, especially SSRI's. Some are worse about it than others. I was on one at a point in time that I honest to goodness could not have an orgasm. I don't think I could have if my life depended on it and I don't care how hard I tried. Is this perhaps feeding into part of your need for it to be rougher? I was also perpetually angry when I first came out of the depression which led to only being able to get off when we fought before or during having sex. Obviously this was just my personal experience, but there is a reason all the SSRI's have sexual dysfunction high on the list of side effects. You might want to also visit with your physician about it and see if perhaps a med or dosage change might be in order.

You are still quite young and your marriage will go through many things that are challenging and change the direction you think you are going if you stick with it. I wish you well.

Agreed, the sexual Disfunction caused by the SSRI has been a major source of tension for me. I think it is definitely feeding that need. We have a lot of non-marriage related stresses in our lives right now and that doesn't help matters either. I love him dearly, and I certain didnt choose him because I thought my only other option was an abuser. I chose him because we are two halves of a whole. I was just looking for some advice in this area. It isn't exactly the kind of thing you ask your girlfriends about. My marriage is great. I just want to improve upon it. That's a good thing, not a negative one.

 

[LynnLacroix]

Or if they do have interest in kinky sex it can be on the completely opposite side of the coin and apply to nothing else but said sex.

<rant>
I am amazed how many "lyfestyle Doms" cant get their heads around that simple concept. If I like you to spank my ass in the bedroom that absolutely does not mean you are allowed to chain me to the stove in the kitchen. And you might not even get to vote which movie we are going to watch in the living room.

I dont know if its because men mostly think with their dicks or something else, but I wasted so many hours lately explaining to some otherwise pretty intelligent people that the fact I am willing to get involved with a Dom sexually does not give them permission to even ask if they can drive my car or call me a "sub". We are not even equals. If I am smarter, prettier and have more money I am going to shove those cards right into your ass first time you start to talk about "male supremacy". I am 48, I have been through tougher shit in life than most men I know, I am sharp and blunt as a hammer and perfectly capable to live through the nuclear war - does that sound like "your cute helpless little girl"?

I got to the point when I just hear the word "sub" I only want to say "you wanna know what a sub should be like in my opinion? get down on your knees and I will show you". And even after hours of explanations and some practical presentation all they still seem to see me as is "my sweet little sub". Makes me want to puke

Sorry about the derail.
</rant>

Completely agree with both of you! I am a strong woman on my own. I don't want that to change. I just like a top in the bedroom.

 

[His_pet_slut]

Agreed, the sexual Disfunction caused by the SSRI has been a major source of tension for me. I think it is definitely feeding that need. We have a lot of non-marriage related stresses in our lives right now and that doesn't help matters either. I love him dearly, and I certain didnt choose him because I thought my only other option was an abuser. I chose him because we are two halves of a whole. I was just looking for some advice in this area. It isn't exactly the kind of thing you ask your girlfriends about. My marriage is great. I just want to improve upon it. That's a good thing, not a negative one.

Ah, I totally get the not being something you can ask your girlfriends about.
I really do wish you well and I hope that you can find a solution to the stress. It can quite literally be a killer.

 

[geekmaster24]

I am a submissive. I always have been. My husband knew this when he married me. I love my husband dearly. One of the qualities that attracted me to him is his drive and natural aggressiveness in the business world. He is having some trouble taking that same aggressiveness to the bedroom though. I've told him what I need, and when I ask he'll indulge me. He never goes as far as I'd like though. What can I do to encourage him to be dominant without coming off as demanding and whiny?

Regrettably, It may just not be possible. Some people are just not meant to be in this lifestyle, and it can not be forced.

Have you actually sat down with him and talked to him about it? And I mean really talk to him. Tell him just how far you are willing to go. He may be too afraid to hurt you, but at that point you could tell him that he shouldn't be afraid of that. If at that point he is curious, he could go to Google and search through the thousands of website devoted to safety in the lifestyle. I'd wonder what he would say. Sometimes human beings surprise us.

 

[Pelagie]

I don't think it's possible to "create" a sub. If he's not into it, then he'll just get bored and you'll be frustrated.

 

[evesdream]

I don't think it's possible to "create" a sub. If he's not into it, then he'll just get bored and you'll be frustrated.

Wow. Where've you been? (and welcome back)

 

[Pelagie]

Wow. Where've you been? (and welcome back)

I've been around. I've always been more of a lurker than a poster. Thanks for remembering me.

 

[FurryFury]

I think you can help a person find the kink inside and make peace with it provided they have it. If they don't have it, well it's just not going to happen no matter how hot the sex is when you get what you want. That's the serious answer.



The other answer is Play-dom the putty that allows you to create your Dom in 11 different colors!

 

[evesdream]

I've been around. I've always been more of a lurker than a poster. Thanks for remembering me.

*lurker's hand signal*

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

The other answer is Play-dom the putty that allows you to create your Dom in 11 different colors!

Gosh, after reading your post, I got all excited and just had to give this a go! I am on a budget these days, so I couldn't afford the 11 color deluxe edition, and got a killer deal on last years 4 color set. After hours of communication and "negotiations" my work is done! I think he is uniquely handsome in that playfully lumpy, yet, brooding and stoic Mr Snowman kinda way... don't you think? So far he is kind of a quiet softie, but I have hopes that with patience he will "harden up" over time. *fingers crossed*

http://ist1-4.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/1/_/_/_/1/X/Z/2/N/XZ2N/5986899603_02a3c5bd53.jpg

 

[FurryFury]

LOL!

LOVE!

WANT!

Gosh, after reading your post, I got all excited and just had to give this a go! I am on a budget these days, so I couldn't afford the 11 color deluxe edition, and got a killer deal on last years 4 color set. After hours of communication and "negotiations" my work is done! I think he is uniquely handsome in that playfully lumpy, yet, brooding and stoic Mr Snowman kinda way... don't you think? So far he is kind of a quiet softie, but I have hopes that with patience he will "harden up" over time. *fingers crossed*

http://ist1-4.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/1/_/_/_/1/X/Z/2/N/XZ2N/5986899603_02a3c5bd53.jpg