Laughter is Contagious

[ga400us]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3 or 6 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing the beautiful girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, at the dinner table with girlfriend and her parents, he asks if he might give the blessing. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for ten minutes. The girl leans over and whispers, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans to her and whispers, "You never told me your father is a pharmacist."

 

[ga400us]

So you think you know baseball? See if you can figure out this puzzle.

What is the score?

Scroll down, Rookie!














It's 5 to 4 in the bottom of the fifth, with one out and nobody on.

 

[ga400us]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

Enjoy life!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
Cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
And jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her,
Making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
And light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
And make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
There is something SOO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... And woo woo!!!

 

[why_me884]

You guys should take lessons!

 

[kayte]

So you think you know baseball? See if you can figure out this puzzle.

What is the score?

Scroll down, Rookie!













It's 5 to 4 in the bottom of the fifth, with one out and nobody on.

Happy New Year {{{{{ga}}}}} That is great. Thank you.

 

[ga400us]

Happy New Year {{{{{ga}}}}} That is great. Thank you.

Happy New Year to you too. Long time no see, wb.

 

[ga400us]

Woo-woo

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
Laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way,
Cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --
Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah,
Wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
With 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut
And jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed
And leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her,
Making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was
Hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
And light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
And make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
There is something SOO very wrong with you.
Have a great day..... And woo woo!!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour7.0 orBeer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7...
Good Luck!

 

[ga400us]

Brilliant!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down inY overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour7.0 orBeer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crashHusband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7...
Good Luck!

 

[ga400us]

Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."



2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."



3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."



4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."



5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."



6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

(Now that is beautiful)



7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."



8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."



9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Black-hawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."



10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer,
on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."



11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)



12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"



13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."



14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."



15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,

Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

[smoothdevil]

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."



15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,

Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

--------------

lol lol lol ... no wonder they are all broke after retiring

 

[JRaven]

Dear Tech Support,
...
Good Luck!

smoothdevil, to paraphrase one of your sig lines...
I installled Lover 3.0 and haven't cared about Husband 1.0 since!

Jenny

 

[smoothdevil]

smoothdevil, to paraphrase one of your sig lines...
I installled Lover 3.0 and haven't cared about Husband 1.0 since!

Jenny

I agree with you 100%, the irony is why we assumed initially that it wouldn't be so.

 

[ga400us]

Love Making Tips For Seniors

1 - Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

OLD IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!

OLD IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


OLD IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

OLD IS WHEN...

Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative today.

OLD IS WHEN...

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD IS WHEN...

An all nighter means not getting up to use the bathroom.

OLD IS WHEN...

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.


(I wrote this in large print, so that everyone could read it).

 

[JRaven]

So you think you know baseball? See if you can figure out this puzzle.

I've had a LOT of fun with this!
Only thing is, the "one out", I switched it with a pic of my tit!
Nobody figured out it was mine.
Jenny

 

[ga400us]

I've had a LOT of fun with this!
Only thing is, the "one out", I switched it with a pic of my tit!
Nobody figured out it was mine.
Jenny

LOL that's brilliant! I applaud your initiative. Glad you were able to get some mileage from it.

 

[smoothdevil]

Neighbor

A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young couple moving next door. The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and proceded to set up the hammock in the back yard.

Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes. After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband. She then proceded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.

This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily, "you ought to be hung!"

The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."

 

[ga400us]

Neighbor

A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young couple moving next door. The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and proceded to set up the hammock in the back yard.

Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes. After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband. She then proceded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.

This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily, "you ought to be hung!"

The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."

Evidently Neil Young was wrong; a man doesn't need a maid, he needs a hammock!

Too funny!

 

[chatman2]

chatman2

1 - Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!

OLD IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


OLD IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

OLD IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

OLD IS WHEN...

Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative today.

OLD IS WHEN...

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

OLD IS WHEN...

An all nighter means not getting up to use the bathroom.

OLD IS WHEN...

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.


(I wrote this in large print, so that everyone could read it).

Love this one and this thread........................

I think OLD is also when you post on LIT you never get PM"s or no one gives a damn......

 

[ga400us]

Love this one and this thread........................

I think OLD is also when you post on LIT you never get PM"s or no one gives a damn......

That would be funny if it werent so true.

 

[smoothdevil]

1 - Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

---------------

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

certainly won't admit how many of these apply ... lol lol lol

 

[ga400us]

1 - Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

---------------

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

certainly won't admit how many of these apply ... lol lol lol

ROFLMAO that is sooo true!

 

[Kitkat103]

This made my afternoon


http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwoksax64i1r1mwqpo1_500.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

Doctors

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."