My girlfriend likes me to choke her....

[Ekserb]

We met online about a year ago and from the very beginning it was sexually intense. We opened up and told each other our fantasies and desires, and she confided a love of pain and rough sex. I mean really rough. It's come to the point where I have two personalities in the bedroom (or wherever we happen to be): Nice Phil and Dark Phil.

Nice Phil is the boyfriend and he's great. He takes her out to dinner and goes shopping with her and cuddles and has romantic but vigorous sex.

Dark Phil is aggressive, abusive and demanding. He slaps her across the face and neck. He bites her. He holds her down and fucks her throat. He chokes her.

The other night I choked her to the point of passing out. She was out for about two seconds and for a moment I thought she stopped breathing. When she snapped back to consciousness, she was dazed and briefly unaware of her surroundings. This was a bit scary, but we discussed it and she liked it. The part that scares me the most is that I liked it, too.

She likes Dark Phil more than Nice Phil (which is not to say she doesn't like Nice Phil), and that doesn't bother me one little bit. I like him, too.

 

[monkeyman057]

Be careful, be safe, have fun.

I understand the nice/dark thing. The way I deal with it is by keeping it clear in my mind that there's a line between play time and real life. I'm careful not to mix the two. That's just me though. YMMV

 

[Kojote]

To me that doesn't sound strange at all.
Sounds like you have something that works.
But you should talk with Dark Phil about drawing some kind of line, if the 'passing out' bothers you. And you should of course be aware of the dangers of breath control and choking. They are plenty and include brain damage and stuff.
So it would be wise to stop short of the point when she passes out and to not cross that line. As intriguing as that may feel...

Regarding the fascination of our dark side:
It's what we are normally told to hide or just plain 'not admit to'. But it's almost certainly in every human. Personallly I find it better to keep this kind of 'inner demon' where I can watch it.
Let it play a bit, but don't let it take over completely.

 

[monkeyman057]

To me that doesn't sound strange at all.
Sounds like you have something that works.
But you should talk with Dark Phil about drawing some kind of line, if the 'passing out' bothers you. And you should of course be aware of the dangers of breath control and choking. They are plenty and include brain damage and stuff.
So it would be wise to stop short of the point when she passes out and to not cross that line. As intriguing as that may feel...

Regarding the fascination of our dark side:
It's what we are normally told to hide or just plain 'not admit to'. But it's almost certainly in every human. Personallly I find it better to keep this kind of 'inner demon' where I can watch it.
Let it play a bit, but don't let it take over completely.

Agree completely.

 

[butterfly_flip]

I always get nervy when breath play is talked about as something in which people actively participate just because I don't believe there's a safe way to do it.
I love having a strong hand grip my throat, but not to the extent that breathing is severely restricted to the point of passing out.

Maybe Dark Phil just needs to set himself some boundaries. Rough sex can be amazing, but it's not worth risking yourself or your partner for

 

[Kojote]

It's for sure not worth risking a life for deriving some pleasure out of it.
At least for sane people...

But since not only the Phil's are into this, but also their gf it may well be worth to explore the exact boundaries together (the three of them, that is).

Again for sure it's a good thing that the op is bothered by choking somebody into unconciousness. That's called a limit. Like in 'not sticking a knife into someone for fun'.
But then again we are humans and capable of extending our limits.
If (and that's the single most important point) both are into it!

so if they get off on this... Why not drawing a line a little farther than most people would. Just make sure the line is sufficiently far away from threatening a life or anybodies health.

 

[butterfly_flip]

It's for sure not worth risking a life for deriving some pleasure out of it.
At least for sane people...

But since not only the Phil's are into this, but also their gf it may well be worth to explore the exact boundaries together (the three of them, that is).

Again for sure it's a good thing that the op is bothered by choking somebody into unconciousness. That's called a limit. Like in 'not sticking a knife into someone for fun'.
But then again we are humans and capable of extending our limits.
If (and that's the single most important point) both are into it!

so if they get off on this... Why not drawing a line a little farther than most people would. Just make sure the line is sufficiently far away from threatening a life or anybodies health.

I understand what you're saying, and I think we all would like to know where our limits are, and have someone in whom we trust take us on that journey

But the OP didn't realise he was pushing his gf *that* far until she did lose consciousness. That for me is the most significant part of this.

 

[neci]

the dangers of breath play. when you both love it, it becomes dangerous all the more. i learned that i will not say no to passing out when my airway is restricted. i think differently in that mode. i don't think at all. i give in.

i know someone who killed his girlfriend during breath play. i don't know why i am even putting 'play' in the word. i don't think it should belong. choking. there are many ways to stimulate choking... blah blah blah blah... without cutting off the air?

be careful.


do you trust yourself when your mind goes blank?

i don't.

 

[Aggressive One]

Why do I hear the Dexter theme song in my head

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thing about edge play is that the edge is a cliff edge.

The two of you have given yourselves permission to explore this-- but make no mistake, if anything goes wrong YOU will be the one held responsible, and she will be the one who gets hurt.

I suspect that you are already thinking this, but Dark Phil needs to keep his commonsense well at hand. Play with choking, but play soft most of the time. Let the big one happen very very rarely-- and with some discussion beforehand each time.

Repeated asphyxiation does lead to brain damage. Oddly enough, I've learned that the brain can recover somewhat from atoxia damage-- an elderly friend of mine has returned a number of times from what should have been the final episode... however, you would not want to live in his mind, or be his caretaker.

 

[Kojote]

I understand what you're saying, and I think we all would like to know where our limits are, and have someone in whom we trust take us on that journey

But the OP didn't realise he was pushing his gf *that* far until she did lose consciousness. That for me is the most significant part of this.

Jup.
And of course you are right.
At least now he knows how far should be to far...

 

[MissProvocateur]

I love being choked too, but please dont do it too hard! you can cause serious damage if she passes out, play safe kids!

 

[HottieMama]

Being "choked out" is one of my chief kinks. I know it's dangerous. I know bad shit can happen when I allow it to be done to me, but it is a CALCULATED risk. It is one that I am more than willing to take for a few moments of sexual/mental nirvana. I don't do simulated choking, or "soft play." For me, I have to at least begin to get "fuzzy vision," before I consider it "good."

That said, for the OP, or anyone else looking at exploring this... Do your research. Know what can happen in the worse case scenario. As a Top, know what to do if things go wrong... Then decide if the risk is worth the potential reward.

 

[DVS]

We met online about a year ago and from the very beginning it was sexually intense. We opened up and told each other our fantasies and desires, and she confided a love of pain and rough sex. I mean really rough. It's come to the point where I have two personalities in the bedroom (or wherever we happen to be): Nice Phil and Dark Phil.

Nice Phil is the boyfriend and he's great. He takes her out to dinner and goes shopping with her and cuddles and has romantic but vigorous sex.

Dark Phil is aggressive, abusive and demanding. He slaps her across the face and neck. He bites her. He holds her down and fucks her throat. He chokes her.

The other night I choked her to the point of passing out. She was out for about two seconds and for a moment I thought she stopped breathing. When she snapped back to consciousness, she was dazed and briefly unaware of her surroundings. This was a bit scary, but we discussed it and she liked it. The part that scares me the most is that I liked it, too.

She likes Dark Phil more than Nice Phil (which is not to say she doesn't like Nice Phil), and that doesn't bother me one little bit. I like him, too.

It's not an uncommon fetish, this choking thing. I just want to emphasize what you said in those last couple of sentences in the part of your post I bolded. People have died from doing this. It's just one of those things that can happen.

I don't want to put a hood on here and say I'm death and it will happen, no matter what you do. It's just one of those things people do that can end up getting someone hurt. Just like guns. Not keeping your mind on what you're doing when you're shooting at the range can also get somebody killed. Race car driving, sky diving, deep water scuba, and the list goes on.

I'm not telling you to stop. I'm just telling you that being scared is a good thing.


EDITED TO ADD:
Sorry, I didn't read all of the previous posts before posting. I didn't know you've already been warned about the dangers...in various ways. I wonder if something like that be said too many times.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I wonder if something like that be said too many times.

I kinda don't think so

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I always get nervy when breath play is talked about as something in which people actively participate just because I don't believe there's a safe way to do it.
I love having a strong hand grip my throat, but not to the extent that breathing is severely restricted to the point of passing out.

Maybe Dark Phil just needs to set himself some boundaries. Rough sex can be amazing, but it's not worth risking yourself or your partner for

For me, the occasional times it's happened, it's been more of a chokehold that's interrupted bloodflow until that point.

I can't hold my breath for very long, so having my breathing stopped lasts all of a few seconds for me, I can't handle it. I have a hard enough time with restricted breathing!

 

[Ekserb]

Thank you for the replies.

I should add that I am well aware of the dangers involved and the day after this incident we discussed at length the repercussions of what we had done.

It wasn't the first time we had discussed this—we have been trying from time to time to see if I could get her to pass out. We have played with a female friend who also loves it rough, but the friend is very petite and it's easy for me to get my hands around her neck and I have to squeeze only slightly to get her to begin to fade. I suspect that with the friend it's not an airway restriction but a blood flow thing; I have seen people choked in a certain way that puts them on the ground in a few seconds by pinching off the blood to the brain.

Since doing this with the friend, my girlfriend was eager to have it done to her, but she is stronger than the friend and physically bigger, so it's more difficult for me to get a good grip on the weak parts of her anatomy. On the night in question, I was determined to see how far we could go, and really leaned into her with my fingers tight on either side of her neck. Unlike with the friend, my girlfriend gets a panicked look on her face and puts up a pretty good struggle (that's the part she loves), and I usually back off at this point, but this time I kept on squeezing until her arms fell to her sides and she went limp. I immediately released and for a second I thought she wasn't breathing at all. Her eyes suddenly snapped wide open as she inhaled a lung-full of air. She looked quickly around the room as if she had no idea where she was (and I found out a little while later that she really didn't know what was happening for a few seconds).

I am afraid of what might happen, but I'm also a very logical, calculating person and I hope I would always be able to stop before someone gets hurt.

The other night we also tried arm restraints and that was fun. Just the sound of the carabiner snapping through the eyebolt in the bed frame was bough to get her off. I liked it because I could do what I want without also having to fight her flailing arms.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I really like the way you explain things, Ekserb

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Maybe take a CPR class "just in case". You can never be too prepared.

 

[Ekserb]

I really like the way you explain things, Ekserb

As I said, I'm usually very logical and calculating. Sometimes it drives her nuts, but overall it's a good thing.

 

[Ekserb]

Maybe take a CPR class "just in case". You can never be too prepared.

Oh, I'm well versed in CPR. And I never lose control in a crisis; I'm the one she has called first if there is every an emergency at her house, even before the cops. (That's not to imply that the cops have to make regular runs to her home. I'm just saying'.)

 

[Kojote]

Sounds like you got a firm grip on the things...
Everythings controlled and you know what you are doing. You even discussed it in lenght with the other person involved.

Let me ask you question:
Is this really about choking?
Or is it about something else...?
Maybe like... Dark Phil and you...?


Just asking...

 

[Ekserb]

Sounds like you got a firm grip on the things...
Everythings controlled and you know what you are doing. You even discussed it in lenght with the other person involved.

Let me ask you question:
Is this really about choking?
Or is it about something else...?
Maybe like... Dark Phil and you...?


Just asking...

I think everybody here knows that nothing done in these circumstances is literal. Of course, there is something wrong with me. Her, too. We joke about our mutual illness all the time.

Before I met this girl, I was never into this. I never even thought about it. I was always into slightly restraining my partner by holding her by the neck as we kissed, but that was about it. Now one of my concerns is what I will do when she and I stop dating. Who am I going to find to replace her? Will I be able to go back to "normal" sex if I can't find someone else who is into this? Will Dark Phil suffer withdrawal symptoms?

 

[MasterandSir]

Thank you for the replies.

I should add that I am well aware of the dangers involved and the day after this incident we discussed at length the repercussions of what we had done.

It wasn't the first time we had discussed this—we have been trying from time to time to see if I could get her to pass out. We have played with a female friend who also loves it rough, but the friend is very petite and it's easy for me to get my hands around her neck and I have to squeeze only slightly to get her to begin to fade. I suspect that with the friend it's not an airway restriction but a blood flow thing; I have seen people choked in a certain way that puts them on the ground in a few seconds by pinching off the blood to the brain.

Since doing this with the friend, my girlfriend was eager to have it done to her, but she is stronger than the friend and physically bigger, so it's more difficult for me to get a good grip on the weak parts of her anatomy. On the night in question, I was determined to see how far we could go, and really leaned into her with my fingers tight on either side of her neck. Unlike with the friend, my girlfriend gets a panicked look on her face and puts up a pretty good struggle (that's the part she loves), and I usually back off at this point, but this time I kept on squeezing until her arms fell to her sides and she went limp. I immediately released and for a second I thought she wasn't breathing at all. Her eyes suddenly snapped wide open as she inhaled a lung-full of air. She looked quickly around the room as if she had no idea where she was (and I found out a little while later that she really didn't know what was happening for a few seconds).

I am afraid of what might happen, but I'm also a very logical, calculating person and I hope I would always be able to stop before someone gets hurt.

The other night we also tried arm restraints and that was fun. Just the sound of the carabiner snapping through the eyebolt in the bed frame was bough to get her off. I liked it because I could do what I want without also having to fight her flailing arms.

What you're describing is an incredibly dangerous play technique. Cutting off air via say the windpipe or another method is relatively safe, well safe as choking someone out goes. However, as Stella said it can have dangerous long term results. What you are describing however is particularly more dangerous than cutting off airflow, if done even a touch too long (and every "too long" is different pending several variables) you can and will cause serious brain damage or death. As the reason is lack of blood flow to the brain, knowing CPR, or even a wide variety of first aid and rescue techniques will not be able to help. Even if the person doesn't die the risk or major brain injury is incredibly high and you may create a severe mental handicap at best.

I'd judge that you have been lucky not to so far, but I'd also recommend a more classic style of choking for the interests of your partners as well as yourself.

 

[Ekserb]

What you're describing is an incredibly dangerous play technique. Cutting off air via say the windpipe or another method is relatively safe, well safe as choking someone out goes. However, as Stella said it can have dangerous long term results. What you are describing however is particularly more dangerous than cutting off airflow, if done even a touch too long (and every "too long" is different pending several variables) you can and will cause serious brain damage or death. As the reason is lack of blood flow to the brain, knowing CPR, or even a wide variety of first aid and rescue techniques will not be able to help. Even if the person doesn't die the risk or major brain injury is incredibly high and you may create a severe mental handicap at best.

I'd judge that you have been lucky not to so far, but I'd also recommend a more classic style of choking for the interests of your partners as well as yourself.

How long is a "touch too long?" Here's a link to a web site that says the human brain can live with no damage for up to a minute with no oxygen: http://www.med.umich.edu/trans/transweb/faq/q3.shtml.

Now, I do realize this is dangerous. How dangerous? Let's get some perspective: More dangerous than driving while intoxicated? That's something that happens every night on every major highway in this country. More dangerous than texting while driving? Again, happens all the time. More dangerous than taking a shower at home? Tens of thousands of people die in the shower every year. Hell, every year over 400 people die from accidental CO poisoning, probably from using a barbecue grill in the house.

Thank you for your concern. I'll try to be careful.