Subs : Have you fallen in love with your Dom?

[kimuk]

Someone once said of me"you wear your heart on your sleve"
I assume he ment I was overly affectionate.
When you give your submission to someone, your body and your mind, in real life or on line how can you not give your heart to your Dom?
Is it common for subs to fall in love with their Dom? and if so how do you cope with it when they don't feel the same way?
Someone here said "its not real, just fantasy" but it feels real to me.
Opinions very welcome.

 

[Scotsman69]

BDSM between two people who love each other is the ultimate beauty. Alas, tis not always available...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Yes, I did.

But I don't think I could do this long term with someone I didn't love. Maybe the occasional play session (and that's still a maybe, I'm not sure yet!) but not more than that.

 

[eastern sun]

Yes. If they don't feel the same way, just keep loving them anyway. There can't be too much love, in my opinion.

I'm assuming the difference between love, lust and emotional dependence is recognized and appreciated, though.

 

[the captians wench]

Yes. If they don't feel the same way, just keep loving them anyway. There can't be too much love, in my opinion.

I'm assuming the difference between love, lust and emotional dependence is recognized and appreciated, though.

This.

There are many forms of love, and I can accept that sometimes the way I love some one is not the way they love me, if they love me at all.

I play well with friends. I can accept that I will never be more than a friend to this person(s). I can't help loving them, and I don't mind that they don't share as strong a feeling, but I do understand where their boundries are. As long as I know those boundries, I'm good. It's when they do something stupid like tell me something just because it would make me feel good, that things get ugly.

 

[kimuk]

Yes. If they don't feel the same way, just keep loving them anyway. There can't be too much love, in my opinion.

I'm assuming the difference between love, lust and emotional dependence is recognized and appreciated, though.

Well I think its all of the above. I dont actually need him to love me back I just need him to accept it and it not freek him out. I try to keep it under wraps but sometimes it overflows.
No I couldnt just play with strangers, someone I didnt respect and care for, the bonds which tie me to him are much deeper than he would ever understand. Its a need , not just a sexual one. I crave that control , for me its the way he shows he cares, that he can take the time and effort to give me rules to keep, instructions to carry out, the much needed affectionate hug. And that he expresses his anger if I cross the line. It shows , for me , that i matter enough for him to care.
Had an emotional week with one thing and another , but we talked tonight and I feel like we're back on track. So i didnt get what i wanted, somethign promised and I may never get it again. But the memories are mine and no one can ever take them away , there with me forever.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Yes, I fell in love with my Dominant. He has also fallen in love with me.

 

[intothewoods]

Yes. If they don't feel the same way, just keep loving them anyway. There can't be too much love, in my opinion.

I'm assuming the difference between love, lust and emotional dependence is recognized and appreciated, though.

How about recognizing your own train wreck? Lots of train wrecks on this board. I was one for a while. I don't know if this is one, but I thought, kimuk, that you two were both married to other people who are unaware of your affair. Those scenarios tend not to end well. I sure wish someone had plucked me from my train wreck. No, I wish I had the clarity then that I have now.

To answer the OP, I am in love with my D - we're married. If I were in a relationship where my love were not returned, I would ask myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I could envision scenarios where that would be just fine, but more than likely it wouldn't be healthy for me.

 

[StrayKat]

If I were in a relationship where my love were not returned, I would ask myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I could envision scenarios where that would be just fine, but more than likely it wouldn't be healthy for me.

I have to agree with this.
I can comfortably be in relationship where we both have mutual feelings of first respect and after that either friendship, liking or "madly in love". There are lot of shades of gray.
I can be in relationship where the other part have more feelings for me than I have for them too.

But if I am "in love" and they are not? That is something I could never put up with. I am too proud, selfish and vain to go on loving without getting equally back.

 

[Mesmerist]

I love my sub...and she loves me.

I find it hard to imagine formalising a D/s relationship without some degree of love being involved by both parties.

The thing I found hard to accept and understand for a long time is that we havn't yet been in the same room together, and still we feel completely in love with each other from thousands of miles away. I'm kind of old fashioned and internet relationships always seemed ridiculous to me...until it happened.
I know it sounds silly and I'm sure there are many that would scoff at the idea...but what can I say?...when it happens you just know.

I think love is what makes it more than just a pleasant game.

 

[eastern sun]

How about recognizing your own train wreck? Lots of train wrecks on this board. I was one for a while. I don't know if this is one, but I thought, kimuk, that you two were both married to other people who are unaware of your affair. Those scenarios tend not to end well. I sure wish someone had plucked me from my train wreck. No, I wish I had the clarity then that I have now.

To answer the OP, I am in love with my D - we're married. If I were in a relationship where my love were not returned, I would ask myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I could envision scenarios where that would be just fine, but more than likely it wouldn't be healthy for me.

I think train wrecks occur when someone doesn't recognize the differences between love, lust and emotional dependence. In my experience, love doesn't need reciprocation in order to be satisfied.

 

[ecstaticsub]

How about recognizing your own train wreck? Lots of train wrecks on this board. I was one for a while. I don't know if this is one, but I thought, kimuk, that you two were both married to other people who are unaware of your affair. Those scenarios tend not to end well. I sure wish someone had plucked me from my train wreck. No, I wish I had the clarity then that I have now.

To answer the OP, I am in love with my D - we're married. If I were in a relationship where my love were not returned, I would ask myself what I was getting out of the relationship. I could envision scenarios where that would be just fine, but more than likely it wouldn't be healthy for me.

What may seem like a train wreck from the outside may be much more complicated from the inside.

Affairs where the spouse is unaware can be high drama. But so are many consensual poly relationships, and monogamous relationships.

I am in love with both of the men in my life..but my emotional needs are met differently from each one. I need to be number 1 to my husband but I can be one of a few loves to my Dominant.

But it can be an emotional journey. Sometimes the train wreck can be fixed and be put back on track.

 

[kimuk]

I'm not in a train wreck, Maybe more of a rollercoaster. But were taking a new track and I think it will only get better and better.
I refuse to gaurd my heart as my emotions are just as much a part of me and my sexuality

 

[intothewoods]

I have to agree with this.
I can comfortably be in relationship where we both have mutual feelings of first respect and after that either friendship, liking or "madly in love". There are lot of shades of gray.
I can be in relationship where the other part have more feelings for me than I have for them too.

But if I am "in love" and they are not? That is something I could never put up with. I am too proud, selfish and vain to go on loving without getting equally back.

I can see scenarios where it would be possible, but probably as a secondary relationship (which I've never done anyway, so this is all sort of hypothetical).

I think train wrecks occur when someone doesn't recognize the differences between love, lust and emotional dependence. In my experience, love doesn't need reciprocation in order to be satisfied.

I agree with you, though I think something has to be recripocated. I mean, I think the person who loves must be getting something out of the relationship. Of course, that's true of a train wreck too.

What may seem like a train wreck from the outside may be much more complicated from the inside.

Absolutely, although complicated doesn't automatically equal train wreck, in my book. It's more the frenzy and emotional instability. For example, I know some folks in open relationships that have, like, color coded charts to identify the status of all of the various people they interact with. That's complicated, but if you put your sex life on an excel spreadsheet you've just removed the possibility for anything half as exciting as a train wreck.

Affairs where the spouse is unaware can be high drama. But so are many consensual poly relationships, and monogamous relationships.

I am in love with both of the men in my life..but my emotional needs are met differently from each one. I need to be number 1 to my husband but I can be one of a few loves to my Dominant.

But it can be an emotional journey. Sometimes the train wreck can be fixed and be put back on track.

Heck, you can be your own train wreck -- poly, mono, no relationships at all. And yes, you can avoid the wreck and get the out of control train back on track. Ok, I think this metaphor has now run its....er, course.

 

[intothewoods]

On a different note, I feel compelled to add that there are those who do D/s without love in the romantic sense. On this board, Netzach comes to mind. I would be curious to find out whether her slave has ever fallen in love with her.

 

[firenzi]

Yes. I broke off with someone because I felt I was getting too attached in a way that felt like love, and I knew a full relationship beyond what we had wasn't possible. He lived in a different city (different country even) and we met would meet 0-5 times a month with minimal contact in between. He wasn't married, but he was a fair bit older than me, and while he enjoyed my company I didn't have any illusions about him wanting anything more than a companion at dinner, Dom time, and fucking.

It was heaven for me for the longest time, but I had to cut it off when my feelings grew complicated and I started longing, quite confusingly, for more than sex games in restaurants and hotels. I still to this day have feelings for him, just thinking about him now as I type this, my heart is beating faster and I can't help but imagine what it would be like to be his full time slave. I don't regret ending it, though.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I love both my Daddies and they love me. Honestly this is one of the most fulfilling relationships I have ever had in my life even if it looks odd from the outside and "love" is probably the reason why.

 

[StrayKat]

I can see scenarios where it would be possible, but probably as a secondary relationship (which I've never done anyway, so this is all sort of hypothetical).

I am craving for primary relationship based on respect, mutual interests, some sexual attraction and friendship.
Crazy, exhausting, butterfly in bellies type of love, no thank you. I can go without that kind happily for the rest of my life.
It is too emotionally draining and usually doesnt end well for me.

 

[nowgirl]

I am craving for primary relationship based on respect, mutual interests, some sexual attraction and friendship.
Crazy, exhausting, butterfly in bellies type of love, no thank you. I can go without that kind happily for the rest of my life.
It is too emotionally draining and usually doesnt end well for me.

the OP mentions wearing her heart on her sleeve. Another poster mentions love in the same sentence as sex games and hotel meetings. Between roller-coastersand trains, I think sometimes I wear my pussy on my sleeve and confuse those strong feelings for love.

While I look forward to a relationship filled with kink and submission, service and lust, at 50, I'm also looking forward to someone who will stick around and help me clean the garage. That feels like true love to me.

 

[Bandit58]

Yes. We've been together for 8 years, married now for 5.

 

[intothewoods]

I am craving for primary relationship based on respect, mutual interests, some sexual attraction and friendship.
Crazy, exhausting, butterfly in bellies type of love, no thank you. I can go without that kind happily for the rest of my life.
It is too emotionally draining and usually doesnt end well for me.

Well, you know what they say, every relationship you have will fail until one doesn't.

 

[StrayKat]

While I look forward to a relationship filled with kink and submission, service and lust, at 50, I'm also looking forward to someone who will stick around and help me clean the garage. That feels like true love to me.

Definitely. I am even willing to give up the good part of "lust" for that garage cleaning.

Well, you know what they say, every relationship you have will fail until one doesn't.

Or you give up and go live alone with your cat.
The option I have been considering for a while

 

[JammyJimmy]

Or you give up and go live alone with your cat.
The option I have been considering for a while

I'm right there. Except I don't have a cat.

I think D/s without love is a fuck-buddy relationship.
I think D/s with love is just like any other relationship between two people in love. Kinkier, but the principle is the same. I also think the D/s bond will be a lot stronger.
Of course there are exceptions. There always is.

As for online relationships, I think they're like methadone. They're not the real deal, and they don't give you what you really want, but they're better than nothing. They can do a good job scratching that itch, but ultimately, they're unsatisfying.

JJ

 

[LisbethElliot]

As someone new to D/s and having only experience it online, I’ve been reading the responses here with interest. It’s a question that’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve read elsewhere on this forum that love is not possible between people who only have contact online. Maybe. But in many ways this relationship is the most intimate I’ve ever had. I’ve shared with my Master things I never shared with any of the ex-husbands. Urges, fantasies, all those shameful secrets I was too embarrassed to even admit to myself. My first Master told me once that the anonymity of the internet allows us to open up to someone else all those scary parts of ourselves.

I agree that the physical part is like methadone. As intense and satisfying as our sessions are, I find myself wishing more and more for the real thing…to feel HIM doing the things he orders me to do to myself. To feel his touch, his whip, his kisses. Yet at the end, as I am lying there exhausted and weak, I find myself longing to say those words to him….”I love you.” Is it really love? I don’t know…but it sure feels like the real thing.

 

[seekingmalefwb]

Yes, I did quite accidentally as I went into it expecting and wanting it to be strictly BDSM arrangement. In retrospect, wish that I had not for this particular person.