Subs : Have you fallen in love with your Dom?

[reachedme]

yes absolutely yes
I don't think I could give myself so totally without love and respect

 

[kimuk]

I'm right there. Except I don't have a cat.

I think D/s without love is a fuck-buddy relationship.
I think D/s with love is just like any other relationship between two people in love. Kinkier, but the principle is the same. I also think the D/s bond will be a lot stronger.
Of course there are exceptions. There always is.

As for online relationships, I think they're like methadone. They're not the real deal, and they don't give you what you really want, but they're better than nothing. They can do a good job scratching that itch, but ultimately, they're unsatisfying.

JJ

Unsatisfying. No I would'nt say that. I'd say intense. I'd say liberating. I'd say emotive. I'd say exploratory. I'd say frustrating. I'd say obsessive.

I'd say individual to each person.

For me I really didnt know what I was looking for , it is very much a voyage of dicovery. I'm glad that many think that "love" is a vital part of it.

On line has no future? Maybe , maybe not? I supose it depends on what you want the future to be? I know neither of us want to leave our spouses. I know that our primary relationship is the most important one.

But I think you can love more than one person at once?
In different ways?
For their different personal attributes.

I supose the debate is, is it love? affection? lust? sexual satisfaction? soul mateness ? ( is that even a word?)

And if it makes both of you happy and fills the voids, then surely it cant be wrong?

 

[StrayKat]

Real life relationships can be intense, liberating and emotional just as well, with added touch, smell, look in the eyes, actually living together.
However you might think your online relationship is "all that", ultimately you will get unsatisfied with lack of real life contact. Maybe not tomorrow but after some time for sure.

And that is what JammyJimmy talks about. Until we can evolute to just a mind without a body no online relationship can be just the same and equally satisfying as a real life one. Unless all you want is short term and superficial without real involvement, in that case they are just as good if not better.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Real life relationships can be intense, liberating and emotional just as well, with added touch, smell, look in the eyes, actually living together.
However you might think your online relationship is "all that", ultimately you will get unsatisfied with lack of real life contact. Maybe not tomorrow but after some time for sure.

And that is what JammyJimmy talks about. Until we can evolute to just a mind without a body no online relationship can be just the same and equally satisfying as a real life one. Unless all you want is short term and superficial without real involvement, in that case they are just as good if not better.

Many people who have on-line relationships consider them to be "real life contact". Just because a relationship is on-line it does not mean it is superficial.

Also, there are some couples who see each other in person everyday who do not have the mental connection some couple have whose only communication is through their computers.

I personally do need to see, feel and touch my dominant in addition to IMing, phone and email conversation. But the occasional long stretch of time between meetings does not diminish the relationship, or make it superficial in any way.

 

[the captians wench]

Many people who have on-line relationships consider them to be "real life contact". Just because a relationship is on-line it does not mean it is superficial.

Also, there are some couples who see each other in person everyday who do not have the mental connection some couple have whose only communication is through their computers.

I personally do need to see, feel and touch my dominant in addition to IMing, phone and email conversation. But the occasional long stretch of time between meetings does not diminish the relationship, or make it superficial in any way.

Sometimes I wish it did.

Not being able to tough Jounar, to be able to just drive to his house and cuddle with him, or play, or kiss, or smell him when ever I like...well it can be the worst pain I've ever felt. But it doesn't make me need him less, love him less, or be less satisfied with him. I admit that I want more, but I cutting him out of my life, well I might as well cut off an arm.

It's not much of a secret that I date around, that I get my touch needs met from others. And that I've not had much success finding some one who will stick it out past date 2, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I still put Jounar first and think of him as my primary relationship. But hell, I've been involved with a married couple, and a large part of the reason that lasted so long was because I satisfied needs for each of them that they could not get from the other.

Who knows, maybe I'll decide I just can't deal with it anymore. Maybe I'll grow a pair and just fly over and surprize him. Maybe he'll find some one at home he grows attached to. Maybe we'll figure out how to work the system and I'll move there. I don't know what the future holds, what my heart will wish for, or his for that matter. But until then, he satisfys a need inside of me to feel loved, desired, mentally stimulated, as well as physical arousal.

 

[wicked woman]

In my mind I make a distinction between a purely on-line relationship and a long distance one where you see each other in person but because of the distance, your relationship is on-line a lot of the time. Different things to me.


And my answer to the OP is yes I did.

 

[StrayKat]

Many people who have on-line relationships consider them to be "real life contact". Just because a relationship is on-line it does not mean it is superficial.

I never said that. I said that they are not equally satisfying. I said if all you want is online and never feel the need to touch that person for real - its superficial.

And I am really tired of some "my ldr is exactly the same thing as living together" knee jerk reactions every time I state my opinion on the subject. Sorry to burst your bubble but its not. It is not even close to the same thing. Aside emotions and everything else living in the same house and washing his socks is not the same as living half the world apart and seeing him on webcam.

 

[the captians wench]

I never said that. I said that they are not equally satisfying. I said if all you want is online and never feel the need to touch that person for real - its superficial.

And I am really tired of some "my ldr is exactly the same thing as living together" knee jerk reactions every time I state my opinion on the subject. Sorry to burst your bubble but its not. It is not even close to the same thing. Aside emotions and everything else living in the same house and washing his socks is not the same as living half the world apart and seeing him on webcam.

It's not the exact same, for sure. But neither is my mom's first marriage compaired to her second marrage. Nothing human can be the exact same as something else human based especially when it involves emotions and doubly so when it involves other people.

But discrediting it all together is also unfair. Who's to say what is superficial and what isn't?

Can the oposite also be said? If some one is only interested in the physical and not interested in the emotion and mental connection is that also superficial?

Living together is completely different than a relationship with some one who lives next door also. Would you have the same dismissive opinion on some one's relationship if they went home every night rather than slept in the same house and did the laundry in the morning?

 

[StrayKat]

Can the oposite also be said? If some one is only interested in the physical and not interested in the emotion and mental connection is that also superficial?

Actually yes, for me it is. And now we can argue on why "superficial" is deemed something bad and unworthy as well. It works for some people, more power to them. I like to be superficial now and then as well, but I am aware I am being exactly that. Selfish, superficial, callous. I have no problem admitting I am capable of being "less than perfect".

If you are completely happy living alone in your home and having online exclusively relationship because that is what suits you, I have no problem with your choice.
But if you try to proclaim 6 months of such relationship just as valid and completely equal to my 16 years long marriage I am sorry but I disagree. Because at that point I dont think you know what you are talking about. I tried both, I can tell the difference, and, for me, there is a huge difference.

To be perfectly honest, I get horrified when I see people stating online relationships are completely equal to real life ones, it just depends on the subjects involved.
And then I am dismissive if I say that in my book that means either ignorance or superficiality? So be it. Lets just agree to disagree.

 

[Kojote]

Someone here said "its not real, just fantasy" but it feels real to me.

Well... I'm strange so my opinion my not be representative, but...
What the fuck does this 'just fantasy' shit mean?
I don't think things can get more real than fulfilling another persons craving for things like humiliation.
Maybe killing could be considered more personal, but that's almost always over pretty fast.

I won't fuck somebody I don't care for anymore. And if I care there is some level of love. That's in my book, of course.

But then again I view myself more as some kind of 'alpha' so that may make a difference.

 

[MissProvocateur]

I have never failed to fall in love with my Doms *le sigh* I am too romanticly inclined...

 

[kimuk]

Real life relationships can be intense, liberating and emotional just as well, with added touch, smell, look in the eyes, actually living together.
However you might think your online relationship is "all that", ultimately you will get unsatisfied with lack of real life contact. Maybe not tomorrow but after some time for sure.

And that is what JammyJimmy talks about. Until we can evolute to just a mind without a body no online relationship can be just the same and equally satisfying as a real life one. Unless all you want is short term and superficial without real involvement, in that case they are just as good if not better.

I never said we don't have real life contact.

 

[kimuk]

I think our relationship would fall into the long distance catagory rather than " purely on line". Although the dissapointment when we can't meet for what ever reason is heartbreaking.

 

[StrayKat]

I never said we don't have real life contact.

Good for you. I believe I was talking about exclusively online relationships without any intentions to get them into real life ever.
That is the type I am "dismissive" about.

 

[the captians wench]

Actually yes, for me it is. And now we can argue on why "superficial" is deemed something bad and unworthy as well. It works for some people, more power to them. I like to be superficial now and then as well, but I am aware I am being exactly that. Selfish, superficial, callous. I have no problem admitting I am capable of being "less than perfect".

I agree with you on this point, and I think it helps me to understand a bit more of where you are coming from. I have fully admitted that I can be quite...vain I supose, when it comes to searching for a partner. In this I mean that when I look for someone, physical atraction plays a large role in my choice. I am aware that I am no supermodle, and I am fully aware that there is more to a person than what they look like, but I will choose the "lookier" over the nice guy every time. It's just me. And some times I get very lucky and find both.

If you are completely happy living alone in your home and having online exclusively relationship because that is what suits you, I have no problem with your choice.
But if you try to proclaim 6 months of such relationship just as valid and completely equal to my 16 years long marriage I am sorry but I disagree. Because at that point I dont think you know what you are talking about. I tried both, I can tell the difference, and, for me, there is a huge difference.

Ah, but what deems validity and equality?

You are right of course, there are huge differences, but that does not make one less valid than the other.

To be perfectly honest, I get horrified when I see people stating online relationships are completely equal to real life ones, it just depends on the subjects involved.
And then I am dismissive if I say that in my book that means either ignorance or superficiality? So be it. Lets just agree to disagree.

Now I will agree that some one giving instruction on spanking who has only spanked themselves at the direction of another, to some one who will be involved with some one else performing the action, doesn't sit well with me. I wouldn't venture to give advice, as some one who's experienced, to some one about their husband leaving their underware on the floor. Nor would I do so concerning how to decide what tooth paste you buy when you each prefer something different, based on any of my relationships. It's been far too long since I've lived with some one, and even that was a short time. But I feel the same about room mates as I've never had one. And I completely agree that no amount of online relationship experince, or even flesh world dating experience will give me that knowledge. But there are areas where relationships boil down to a certian bit of commonality, be it romantic or not or online or not or living together or sleeping together or what ever.

 

[spooned_mango]

I am very much in love with Sir, and he with me as well. Yes, we are only online/phone at this point.... but as soon as we can we are going to meet!

 

[Cherry_Rose]

I am very much in love with Sir, and he with me as well. Yes, we are only online/phone at this point.... but as soon as we can we are going to meet!

I think this is the key here, that Online r'ships, is for many a stepping stone to 'real life' ones.. much like staying over, is the stepping stone to moving in.

That line defined many of my online interactions, those willing to take that next step.. and those who weren't. *shrugs*

 

[ecstaticsub]

I never said that. I said that they are not equally satisfying. I said if all you want is online and never feel the need to touch that person for real - its superficial.

And I am really tired of some "my ldr is exactly the same thing as living together" knee jerk reactions every time I state my opinion on the subject. Sorry to burst your bubble but its not. It is not even close to the same thing. Aside emotions and everything else living in the same house and washing his socks is not the same as living half the world apart and seeing him on webcam.

I have never said that a LDR is exactly the same as living together. Sorry but you don't get to have the pleasure of "bursting my bubble". I have been married and living with my husband for over 25 years. I have been in my LDR for almost 7 years. I know there are significant differences.

But...even in the early years when I only saw my dominant a couple times a year the emotion was the same. I love them both. I am committed to them both. I would never lie nor hide anything from either of them.

If my marriage ended of course it would have a greater effect on me then if my D/s relationship ended. There are children involved, a mortgage, finances, friends and a very long history. From a purely emotional standpoint the end of my D/s relationship would be just as devastating to me as if my marriage ended.

I know you make a distinction between ldr and on-line only. I personally wouldn't be able to really feel connected with on-line only. But I know the power of communication. I did fall in love with my dominant before I met him in person. I can't and won't judge another person's relationship and call it invalid, or superficial or not equal because I know how chemistry really can be felt through a computer screen and phone line.

 

[Kojote]

I can't and won't judge another person's relationship and call it invalid, or superficial or not equal because I know how chemistry really can be felt through a computer screen and phone line.

I'm sure I won't burst any bubble with telling you, that the chemistry you are speaking of is a completely mental thing and not chemical at all.
I don't want to judge any other relationships, too. But there is chemistry involved when two people meet in person and that makes a difference.

Lucky you that this chemistry thing worked for your transferring the relationship from online to real. But that isn't always the case.
And that's why I personally and only for me myself and nobody else find online relationships inferior to real ones. They just... lack this one component which is crucial for befriending, fucking and loving people in person.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm sure I won't burst any bubble with telling you, that the chemistry you are speaking of is a completely mental thing and not chemical at all.
I don't want to judge any other relationships, too. But there is chemistry involved when two people meet in person and that makes a difference.

Lucky you that this chemistry thing worked for your transferring the relationship from online to real. But that isn't always the case.
And that's why I personally and only for me myself and nobody else find online relationships inferior to real ones. They just... lack this one component which is crucial for befriending, fucking and loving people in person.

But isn't mental stimulous little chemical reactions in the brain?

I do understand what you are saying. My biggest fear when I first went to meet Jounar was that I would travel 3500 miles and find out that I was not attracted to him physically. And I have had that happen with one that I met online first. He's probably the only case where I had absolutely no phyisical connection what so ever. But then, I fully admit I'm easy.

 

[Kojote]

But isn't mental stimulous little chemical reactions in the brain?

I do understand what you are saying. My biggest fear when I first went to meet Jounar was that I would travel 3500 miles and find out that I was not attracted to him physically. And I have had that happen with one that I met online first. He's probably the only case where I had absolutely no phyisical connection what so ever. But then, I fully admit I'm easy.

It is. But of a totally different kind.
Talking about pheromones and stuff...

Online just leaves the one question to be answered when meeting personally:
Does it fit or does it not?
Until this question get's its answer it's just... not complete... for me! (!! <- )

But since you perfectly understood and even have an example I don't need to tell you that.

 

[the captians wench]

It is. But of a totally different kind.
Talking about pheromones and stuff...

Online just leaves the one question to be answered when meeting personally:
Does it fit or does it not?
Until this question get's its answer it's just... not complete... for me! (!! <- )

But since you perfectly understood and even have an example I don't need to tell you that.

Yeah, I was more just being a smart ass than anything else.

 

[Kojote]

Yeah, I was more just being a smart ass than anything else.

Nevermind. I like that.

 

[kimuk]

Mathadone? Love as a drug? I know our feelings for each other are very different. Yes I say "I love you". But I guess I mean I love how you make me feel? I love our kinky fuckary? I love lots and lots of things about you. Were not just "on line" , were fortunate to be able to meet every 4 months. Are my feelings different when we meet in real life? I guess they are. More intense. Or more lustful? Its so hard to explain. I know I really really like this man. I know that sometimes that I have intense feelings of "love" for him. Its the one thing he hates to talk about. I can see him physically wince when I say it. I try my very hardest not to "burden" him with it. It was never something he was looking for , he didnt sign up for his sub for "fall for him". But its hard to supress. For no matter how hard I try to ignor it after 14months of intenses conversation and extreamly intense physical play. This man is now part of my life and if he walked away tomorrow and never once uttered the "L " word , it wouldnt make a scap of difference. Because the feelings are mine and I choose to give them. He may choose to ignor them, but I still have them and its ok

 

[veeval]

I'm usually not the type to fall in love. I try very hard to keep my fragile emotions safe. With my most recent domme, however, I feel like I let myself get too comfortable. Everything was fine at first. It was extremely hot and heavy, but she wasn't my domme back then. We were more of a friends with benefits type deal, and she had a gf(I know tsk tsk) Anyways as things went on I started feeling close enough to show her my sub side, and started calling her master. I knew what was happening but I also knew telling her meant losing her a few days ago I got really deperessed about it..mostly because she was hanging out with her gf.. I didn't tell her that though. I just told her I needed some time to think. I've tried to talk to her since then, but no response. *sigh*I feel empty without master.